It was magical every single time, just looking into the mirror and seeing this face stare back at me. Seeing Emily’s face stare back at me. I still didn’t really understand how this black magic ritual called makeup worked, but I did know that I loved the results. My eyes just looked clearer, my skin more vibrant, my expression… happy.

I felt Riley’s hand resting on my shoulder. I shifted my gaze upwards to look at the reflection of her face. Her eyebrows were arched, and nose wrinkled; she lacked the usual confidence she would normally exude.

“I don’t know, buddy,” Riley said while removing her hand from my shoulder. “This just doesn’t feel like the best idea.”

“It’s the only option we have left, and it’s just 2 days before the tournament.”

She sighed while nodding. “Yeah, I suppose you’re right.”

I stood up and turned around to face her directly. “It’s fine, you did your best. But I guess it’s hard to reach her right now. I’m sure that if I tell her in person, she will get the message.”

Riley bit her lip. “Are you sure you don’t want me to come with you? I really wouldn’t mind.”

I caught myself chuckling slightly. “Of course, you would. Look, it’s like you said yesterday, this is not your fight.”

“Just be careful? Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.”

I smiled. “How does that narrow it down?”

Riley was silent, but the uneasy smile she returned to me told me a thousand words.

***

The sky was dark, the moon stood hidden behind a thick blanket of clouds. All the light on the street came from the ornate streetlights of Battingham’s inner city. The coat I borrowed from Riley was slightly too large. I felt a cold breeze blowing right through it. I could feel the shivers pass down my spine, but I wasn’t sure if that was due to the cold.

Looking out over the parking lot, I tried to find the familiar Mini Cooper. I found it all the way in the back, flanked by an empty parking spot on one side and a white hatchback on the other. A large lamppost stood right behind the empty spot, illuminating the place like some objective marker from a generic AAA video game.

Walking over to the car, I thought back to the short interaction between Rachel and me after our loss at the Bootcamp. Her words had paralyzed me on the spot. She called me out; I was pretending to be someone else. It’s true, she had only ever known me as Emily. Had I been lying to her? Maybe I was when I joined the team, but that boot camp, that felt like the truth. I guess I was coming across as a completely different person, a happier person though.

I looked inside the empty car; it almost looked brand new, that’s how clean it was. Just like when Rachel drove me home from the mall. While initially terrified by her presence there, she turned out to be nothing more than a cuddly teddy bear. But now that fear was back, the bear had shown she had claws, and I was afraid to meet them.

In the distance, a tall shape approached. That had to be her. I stepped back slightly, seeking comfort in the dark.

She got closer. I could hear her footsteps. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.

“Hello?” Rachel’s voice cut through the silence.

I opened my eyes and stepped out into the light. “Hi, Rachel.”

She narrowed her eyes and leaned forward. “Huh? Emily?” She paused, seemingly trying to comprehend the sudden meeting she found herself in. “What are you doing here?”

“I want to talk about it.”

A slight frown formed on her face while she opened the car’s trunk. “Talk about what? I already said I’m out.”

“I’m sorry.”

She had just stashed her violin case and slowly closed the trunk when she looked me straight in the eyes. She was shaking her head. “What? What are you even saying sorry for?”

“I don’t know.” I peeked at the car’s driver’s seat. “But you said they are ‘the magic words,’ right? As long as it’s said between two good friends, they can fix everything,” I quoted her.

Rachel looked away for a second, trying to hide a soft chuckle. “I said that? Damn, I’m corny.” When she looked at me again, I could see hints of a smile. “You really came all this way here to apologize, not even knowing if or what you did wrong in the first place?”

“Well, yeah.” I scratched the back of my head. “There is no way we can win the tournament without you. I don’t want to be the reason why the rest of the team has to suffer.”

“Look.” Rachel’s smile faded. “This is ridiculous; the team clearly isn’t working out. I just don’t feel like embarrassing ourselves in front of everybody. This has nothing to do with you.”

I took a step forward, my body now fully illuminated. “Doesn’t it? If I hadn’t lied to you all. You wouldn’t have tilted during boot camp. If I hadn’t ditched training last week, we could have worked through this together.” I felt tiny tears welling up in my eyes. “I should have just been honest with you all in the first place, and none of this would have happened.”

Rachel stepped out from behind the car, now standing right across from me. With more light shining on her face, I could clearly read her confusion. “What lies? I was just angry we lost the one game we needed to win.”

I snorted my nose, trying to hold back my tears. “You said it yourself; I was trying to be somebody I’m not.”

“I didn’t mean--”

“—I should have known that pretending to be a girl was a stupid idea! But when I was there, with you guys, it didn’t feel like I was pretending. I was, initially, but now, I don’t think I am. It’s so stupid.” The tears started flowing freely. “I should have just told you guys what was going on right from the start. But if I did that, I wouldn’t have found out about… me? I would still just be— “

I felt Rachel’s hand resting on my shoulder, my words morphing into incomprehensible sobbing instead. Rachel pulled me in closer until all I could feel was the warmth of her body enveloping me completely, her frizzy hair catching the stream of tears escaping from my eyes.

“Hey? Are you okay?”

I tried to use my words, but I couldn’t. All I could do was sob as a toxic cocktail of pain and regret was stirring in my stomach. I knew I was supposed to be strong; I knew I came here to tell Rachel the truth, I didn’t come here to turn into a blubbering mess. With the greatest effort, I eventually managed to have two words escape my mouth, muddled by sniveling I kept repeating the same words. “I’m sorry.”

Rachel was affectionately rubbing my back during our embrace. As my sobbing slowed down, she grabbed me by my shoulders, her face now directly across from mine. I could see her dark brown eyes looking straight down into my soul.

“It’s going to be fine, Emily.” Tears were visible on her face, her voice broken up by some sniveling of her own. “And please, stop saying sorry.”

I took a few deep breaths. I swallowed the collection of lumps that had bunched up in my throat.

Rachel was rubbing my arm. “I didn’t even know about any of this; you don’t have anything to apologize for.”

“But I lied to you.”

She shook her head. “You didn’t lie to me; the only one you have been lying to is yourself. And if there is anyone who should be apologizing here, it’s me.” She handed me a packet of tissues after taking some herself. “I never should have said the things I said to you and the other girls.”

I just stood there, unable to respond. All I wanted to do was to keep apologizing, but Rachel had just told me not to do so. Instead, I was just nodding along with her words.

“I am the one who is sorry. I’m sorry for caring more about winning than I did about my teammates. Thanks, Emily, for not giving up on me like I did on you.”

I swallowed one final time. “Teammates stick together, right?”

A smile that stretched from ear to ear appeared on her face. “Teammates stick together. I guess I am that corny.” This caused both of us to laugh while we wiped away our tears. I had been so afraid, but just telling her the truth had made that completely disappear.

Rachel glanced at her watch. “Talking about sticking together, do you want a ride home?”

While wiping away the last runny makeup from under my eyes, I responded, “I would love to.” Rachel opened the passenger door for me and walked around to the driver’s seat.

Rachel stuck her keys in the ignition and turned towards me. Her told eyes told me she wanted to say something, but her silence told me she lacked the words. Instead, she just smiled at me and drove the car out of the lot.

What was she thinking? What did she want to say? Somehow, I was simultaneously trying to understand Rachel’s expression while recovering emotionally from our confrontation. Could I even call it a confrontation though? That’s what I had imagined it to be, but instead, I had just turned into a blubbering mess right in front of her. Had it just been pity?

“How long have you known?” Rachel said while we stood in front of a traffic light. “About being transgender?”

Somehow, that word still made my skin crawl. “Honest answer? Sometimes I’m still not sure.” I could hear Rachel chuckle. “But I think it properly clicked on the Saturday of the boot camp.”

“I get that.” Rachel stepped on the gas as the light turned green. “You don’t want to know the times a nice guy came onto me, started giving me attention, and I started questioning my own sexuality. But then they start giving you those fuck-you eyes and you start to understand what they really want. You quickly realize you’re not looking for the same thing.”

I nodded, not quite knowing how to respond or where she was going with this. Rachel’s eyes were glued to the road, making it hard for me to read her expression. Her tone of voice was the only thing to rely on.

“Who else knows?” Rachel spoke slowly but with intent.

I was lightly scratching the tight jeans I was wearing. “Well… you, Riley, her parents, and my dad.”

I was expecting Rachel to question the fact that both of Riley’s parents knew, but my mother didn’t. A false expectation as instead, she said. “How did your dad respond?”

“Aloof? I guess. It didn’t seem like he completely understood what I felt, but also just kind of accepted not to understand it.”

“That’s good!” Her words came out quickly and enthusiastically this time. “That’s honestly a great starting off point.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well…” She paused, her finger tapping on her steering wheel with the rhythm of a turn signal. “Sometimes things don’t start out so great.” Rachel’s voice darkened. “It’s obviously not exactly the same, but when I told my parents I liked girls… They definitely knew how they thought about it.”

When she mentioned her parents, I felt that venom in her again. “I take it they didn’t respond well?”

“They hated the idea, tried talking me out of it. And when that didn’t work, started telling me I was crazy and embarrassing the family. I could do everything right--” Her hands were getting red as she clenched onto the steering wheel. “—but I would never actually be the person they wanted me to be.”

I felt the pain in her words, wanted to hug her tightly.

Rachel was breaking up. “Just promise me one thing, Emily, promise me that you are never letting anybody tell you who or what you’re supposed to be. And never, never ever apologize for being who you are.”