Nicole peered through the ages and found a memory of her mother. Nicole was six years old, crammed into the back seat of the family minivan, baby Monica sleeping in a booster seat next to her, Iris shoved into the way-back. They sat in a parking lot on a cold winter day, the heat cranked up as a light snowfall emanated from the silver-clouded sky. Nicole sat on her hands and looked out the window across the empty cement parking lot as Mom walked out of a two-story brick building and slammed the door behind her, stomping her hiking-boot clad feet across the pavement as she grinded her teeth. The thin sunlight sparkled off of her nose ring and her double eyebrow piercing, her heavy makeup starting to sweat off even as she shivered inside her leather jacket. She nearly tore the driver’s side door off its hinges, yanking the beanie off of her head and revealing her spiky head of raven-black-dyed hair. 

Thirteen years ago… Mom would’ve been… twenty-four, maybe? Twenty-five tops, Nicole thought. 

“‘We don’t hire trailer trash emo scene hoes,’” Mom said in an angry, mocking voice. Then she looked in the driver’s mirror and her face shifted, presumably as she remembered she had three small children in the back of the car. “... Er, I mean… Good Gracious, that was certainly frustrating.”

“You didn’t get the job?” Nicole asked. 

“No… They didn’t think I was a good fit for it,” Mom said. 

They drove to the houseboat they called home, anchored at the New Castle docks. Dad was back from his daily haul, smoking a cigarette on the stern as he bobbed up and down on the tide. “How’d it go?”

Mom gave a thumbs-down. “Can you take the kids for a few hours? I think I need to… Make a few changes to my approach.”

“Sure thing, babe,” Dad said, stubbing out his half-smoked cigarette. He picked up baby Monica, who squealed with delight as Dad gave her a kiss on the cheek. Nicole and Iris flanked both of Dad’s legs and hugged them tightly as she laughed his big, deep laugh. “Whatever you need.”

“Thank you,” Mom said. “I… I’m gonna need to spend some money.”

“Yeah, well… This will give me an excuse to quit smoking. Been meaning to for a while, anyway,” Dad smiled.

Mom turned and left, and when she got back that night, the tattoos on her arms were gone, replaced by a raw redness of the skin. All the piercings were removed from her face, save for two pearl studs in her earlobes. Her hair was light brown instead of jet black, and the spikes had been flattened and trimmed into a neat and tidy pixie cut. All the heavy makeup was scrubbed off her face, and she wore a simple black and white checkered-pattern dress under her coat. 

“How do I look?” Mom said as she stepped onto the boat. 

“Pretty!” Nicole and Iris had said simultaneously. 

Mom smiled gently. 

“Very professional,” Dad said, rocking Monica back and forth. Dad’s hair was still blonde in those days, instead of white, but it was still long and thick as it was now. 

Mom’s community college teaching degree, the one Dad had paid for with his fishing even as they struggled to raise first one then two and now three young children, had been a tough sell to a lot of people, and the interview process took her further and further away until finally, it led them all the way to Manchester. Thus, the compromise had been reached: the family would live in the city so Mom could work at the academy and Nicole and Iris and Monica could go to school there. And Dad would commute to the ocean, to pursue the only job he’d ever wanted. He sold the houseboat and bought The Sunshower, and that was that. 

The memories echoed inside Nicole’s mind as her parents sat down on her couch and Nicole pulled up a chair in front of them. She crossed her legs, smoothed her skirt, and brushed her hair out of her eyes. 

 “Nicole, what’s going on here?” Mom asked. She looked even more prim and proper now then she had when she’d first come back that day, long brown hair tied into a French Braid, hoop earrings dangling from her lobes, a pair of black slacks and a dark red blouse and a simple pair of pumps as her outfit. It was what she’d always called ‘deceptively fancy’- she’d bought it all at a thrift store for fifty dollars, but it was nice enough that nobody was the wiser. 

Dad wore one of his flannels and his leather jacket that he’d had since high school. He’d even worn it to senior prom- Nicole had seen the pictures, seen Mom’s baby bump underneath her artfully ripped black dress and the cheap engagement rings on both their fingers. It was weird to think she’d technically gone to prom with her parents, but it was the simple reality of how she came to be. He put his index and ring fingers on his temple and massaged them as he exhaled heavily- he could tell this was not going to be an easy conversation. 

“So,” Nicole said. “Here’s the thing about Iris-”

“Iris?” Mom asked. 

Nicole raised her eyebrows, exhaled, and then tilted her head towards the room her sister had run into. 

“Oh,” Mom said. “It’s… It’s a very pretty name.”

“I agree,” Nicole said. “The thing about Iris is that she’s like me. And I don’t just mean that she’s a trans girl- she has powers.” 

Mom blinked. “What?”

“She has powers, Mom,” Nicole said. “She’s a Magical Girl like me. It’s why she’s been changing.”

“I… I hadn’t even noticed,” Mom said, furrowing her brow. 

“You hadn’t?” Dad asked her. 

“You had?” Mom said. 

“I mean… Yeah,” Dad said. “Look, Sarah- Zack isn’t- I mean, Iris, Iris isn’t like you.”

“In what regard?”

“She doesn’t have your… Tenacity,” Dad said. 

“Is that a euphemism?”

Dad blinked this time. “Um-”

“Mom, Iris is afraid you’re going to make her transition into something about you sticking it to your bosses,” Nicole interjected. 

“Has she said that to you?”

“No, but the way she’s behaved-”

“Then how do you know?” Mom said. 

Nicole winced. She’d been afraid of this conversation. “Because that’s seemingly what you did with my transition. And she ran out of the room when you said you were gonna do the same with hers.”

“But I thought you didn’t mind what I did?” Mom said. 

“Me personally? No, I don’t mind,” Nicole said. “I love that you want the world to know how much you love me. I really do. But Iris isn’t like me- I mean, she is, but not exactly like me. She doesn’t like being the center of attention, let alone the center of an argument.”

“Nicole, you don’t like being the center of an argument either- you always shut down when it happens,” Mom pointed out. 

Ouch. “Maybe I did before, but I’m different now, Mom. I’m a superhero. I’m stronger than that.”

“But if Iris is going to be a hero like you, then she needs to be stronger than that as well.”

… Dangit. That made sense. “What if she still wants to keep a low-profile in other respects? I’m out and proud in my life here, and I’m generally left alone, but I also live in a bubble. Iris is going back to Manchester, back to that school, potentially with a target on her back if she socially transitions. And it’s gonna be hard for her not to, Mom, especially if she keeps using her powers. In her civilian life, what if she really, truly doesn’t want to be a spectacle?”

Mom exhaled. “Nicole. You know that if she wants that, then I want that for her.”

Nicole sighed with the same tone as her mother. Blue Blazes, had their mannerisms always been so similar. “Yeah. Of course I do, Mom.”

“As do I,” Dad piped in. Oh thank goodness. “Sarah, I think what Nicole is trying to say is that you’re a fighter. You always have been. It’s what made me fall in love with you, to be perfectly honest. But you can’t throw the first punch in every fight. I know you hate that school, I know you hate the way it keeps us apart, I know you hate what your coworkers have said about you and about me when they thought you weren’t listening. But that’s your fight. Our daughters need to be allowed to pick their battles while they’re still afforded that option. And Nicole, no matter what you think to the contrary, you’re a fighter at your core as well. You’re braver than you give yourself credit for, even if you haven’t always protected yourself because you were too busy protecting everyone else. And I can see how much you both want to protect Iris. But she’s not the same as either of you, or me. Same with Monica.”

Nicole blinked rapidly. “Dad. What are you- what do you mean?”

“Iris and Monica aren’t fighters, not deep down. But this family has changed. And I’m happy with how it’s changed, happy to see two of my girls really, truly come into their own. But that means our roles are gonna have to change a bit. Sunshine, you’ve always protected Iris and Monica with everything you had. You shielded them both from the worst of times. And Sarah, you’ve always fought for them. All three of them. But things are changing. Sarah, our daughters have to learn to fight for themselves. And Nicole, you’re gonna have to accept that you can’t always protect them. You’re all growing up, and that means you’re all going to have to make your own choices. And it’s my job as your father, your mother’s job as your mom, to support those choices.”

Mom looked so overwhelmed she was about to cry, but she held it back. Nicole gripped her skirt in a tight bunch, and nodded. 

“I think,” Nicole said, “It’s time one of us talked to Iris.”

***

Iris sobbed on the bed, Mark stroking her hair, and Monica handing her alternating makeup wipes and tissues. The door opened a crack, and her father stood in the light. “Hello, kids,” Dad said. “Monica, Mark, do you mind if I have a moment alone with her?”

Mark met her eye-line, and Iris nodded. Mark gave her hand a squeeze, then followed Monica out the door. 

Dad sat on the floor, on the side of the bed Iris wasn’t facing. “Hey,” he said. 

“Hey,” Iris whispered. 

“What would you like to be called?” Dad said. 

Terror drilled inside her mind, and for a moment, reflexively, she nearly responded with, ‘Zack.’ She imagined herself saying it, heard the echo of the word inside the theater of her mind, and a damp, dirty dread pumped through her like sewage. “Iris,” she said. The name, her true name, caused a warm, reassuring energy to pulse through her. 

“Iris Nygaard,” Dad said. “I like it. It rolls off the tongue nicely.”

He clicked his tongue. 

Then he did it again.

Again. 

Again. 

Finally, Iris chuckled in spite of herself. Still the same dad with the same corny jokes. At least that much hadn’t changed. 

“How are you feeling?”

“Shitty,” Iris said. 

For once, he didn’t chastise her for her language. “Yeah. I’m guessing this isn’t how you wanted to tell us?”

“Not even close,” Iris said. “I wanted to surprise you tomorrow night. Meet you guys at the car dressed like this and… And…”

“... And?”

“And see if you still love me.”

“See if we still- Iris, what on Earth makes you think I wouldn’t still love you? That your mom wouldn’t? We accepted Nicole just fine- why wouldn’t we do the same for you?”

“Because I’m not Nicole,” Iris said. “It’s easier to love her than me. She’s always been better. Smarter. More talented. More obedient.”

A silence sat between them, until finally, her father spoke: “Now you listen to me Iris Erika Nygaard, you can say a lot of things to me, but don’t you ever accuse me of playing favorites with my daughters. I love you just as much as I love Nicole and Monica, and I know your mother feels the same.” 

Iris gulped and sniffled, then finally turned over and faced her father. She still laid flat on the bed, but from her side, even in the darkened room, she could see her father was weeping. “Erika?”

Dad gave a weak smile. “Well, I figured you needed a middle name. Is that one alright?”

The warm hearth of euphoria burned higher and brighter than ever inside her heart and her soul and her mind. “It’s perfect. Thanks, Dad.”

“Anything for my little girl,” he said, patting her on the shoulder. 

A memory came to her unbidden. On a stage in the theater of her mind, Iris’ younger self stood on a stage with her father in a model of The Sunshower, a background painted to look like the ocean behind them. 

“You remember how I taught you to tie off these threads?” Dad asked as he handled the fishing net. 

Iris, still young and confused and angry, held a bunched up tangle of threads in her hands. “No- this is stupid.”

“No, it’s not, you’re just being impatient.”

“I’ll never get this right!”

“You need to use a more delicate touch, kiddo,” Dad said. 

The net ripped inside Iris’ hands, and a frustrated scream exploded out of her. She smacked herself on the face, once, twice, over and over again. “Stupid, stupid-”

Dad grabbed both her hands as a massive plume of fog rolled in from behind him. “Don’t talk about my kid like that. Ever.”

“But I can’t do anything right!”

“No, you can’t do some things right on the first try. That’s normal.”

“Not for Nick,” Iris said. Her present-self winced as she remembered calling Nicole that.

“It’s wicked nice that you’ve such a high opinion of your sister,” Dad said. Funny how my subconscious corrects him automatically but not me, Iris groaned internally. “But she’s not perfect. Nobody is. And nobody’s expecting either of you to be. Cut yourself some slack, be patient, and be gentle. Otherwise…”

“Otherwise what?”

The fog swallowed him up as he said, “You’ll be so focused on trying to force something to happen that you won’t even notice as you get more and more lost.”

In the present, Iris breathed in deep, holding onto the facsimile of the memory. She wondered how much of that really happened. At the very least, something like it had definitely happened. 

“Hey, Dad?” Iris asked. 

“Yeah, kiddo?”

“Over Christmas break, do you mind if I spend a little time out on the boat with you?” 

Dad chortled. “In the dead of winter? You sure about that?”

“A day or two won’t kill me,” Iris said. 

“That’s usually when Nicole and I work together,” Dad said. “Boat might be a little crowded.”

“Fine by me,” Iris said. “Nicole and I are gonna have to get more used to working together regardless.”

Dad grinned. “Yeah. That you will. I’m proud of you, Iris.”

“Thanks, Dad,” Iris smiled. 

***

Monica’s eyes followed the trail as Mom paced up and down Nicole’s apartment. Nicole stood in the kitchen making everyone coffee, while she and Mark riffled through some more of Amy’s books. 

“Thees one is interesting,” Mark said. “It is about world where meteor hits in the 1950s, causing space program to become accelerated due to the destabilization of the Earth’s climate.”

“That is interesting,” Monica said as she attempted to read rather than focus on her mother slowly digging a trench in Nicole’s floor. Her success was limited at best.

“Are you sure you don’t want any help, Nicole?” Mom said. 

“I’ve got it, Mom,” Nicole said as she placed the grounds over the coffee pot and began pouring in boiling water.  

“Does Amy help you with this, normally?” Mom asked. 

“What? Of course she does.”

“Well that’s surprising.”

Nicole’s eyes narrowed. “And what does that mean?”

“Nothing, nothing.”

“Mother.”

“What?”

“Do you not like Amy?”

A memory floated up to the surface of Monica’s mind: when she’d first introduced her ex-boyfriend to her mom. They’d already met- Mom was his science teacher. But this was the first time she’d interacted with him outside of the classroom. 

“So, Ben, what do you want to do with your life?” Mom asked as she drove them back to their house to study. 

“Oh, I’ll probably just go to college and then work for my dad,” Ben replied.

“What does your dad do?”

“He owns a publishing company. It’s not a huge deal though- it isn’t one of the big five or anything, just a mid-sized press.”

A cold, icy silence permeated the car for a moment. Iris, even in the confusion she’d dwelt in back then, shot Monica a pitying look. “No big deal, uh huh, right,” Mom said in a tone so flat you could balance a game of Jenga on top of it. “So, you’ve just got the whole thing already figured out then? No question of where you’re going?”

“Mom, please,” Monica begged. 

“What? I’m just asking the young man some honest questions about the amount of work he plans on doing in his life.”

Ben side-eyed Monica and mouthed ‘what the fuck’, and Monica just died inside while her Mom put some Dropkick Murphies on through the aux chord. Her favorite song, ‘Take ‘Em Down,’ started playing. Loudly.

It hadn’t gotten much better after that. Mom didn’t say anything else, didn’t let it affect how she interacted with Ben in class, but outside of that, whenever he and Monica were together, the same frost settled over her voice and body language. It was what she’d always done when she got mad at Monica or one of her sisters growing up, but now it wasn’t directed at them. 

It wasn’t directed at Nicole right now, either. 

Mom stopped pacing and breathed in and out through her nose. “I don’t really have an opinion on Amy, Nicole.”

Please don’t say it, Monica thought. 

“Okay,” Nicole said. “But I’m going to hold you to that.”

“That’s… That’s perfectly understandable. 

Good, good. 

Mom continued, “I just… Worry about the possibility she’s taking advantage of you. People like her-”

Nicole walked over with a tray of coffees. “And what kind of people are those?”

“I- look, Nicole, you have to admit, you two got off on the wrong foot,” Mom said, accepting the coffee. “And she… I just worry about you.”

“Mom. You know I love you. But you barely know Amy. Give her a chance. Please. I really, really like her.”

“Okay,” Mom sighed and took a sip of her coffee. “Okay. I will try.”

“Can I invite her to Thanksgiving then?” Nicole said as she brought Monica and Iris their drinks. She’d added a few spoonfuls of sugar for her, which was much appreciated with how it sweetened a bitter situation.

Monica shot Mark a text message that read, ‘I’m sorry you have to see all this family drama.’

“Okay,” Mom nodded. “You may invite her. Go right ahead.”

“Thank you.”

Mark texted back, ‘Is fine. Nice change of pace for me. I’m an only child, and my parents are never around.’

The door to Amy’s room opened, and Iris and Dad stepped out. Iris wore a weak smile, and her arms were folded together, but she looked… Calmer. She’d stopped shaking, at least. 

“Hi, Mom. I’m Iris.”

Mom didn’t say anything. She just ran up and hugged her middle daughter. 

The front door clicked open as well, and Amy stood there in the archway. “Oh wow. What did I miss?”

Nicole walked over to her girlfriend and kissed her. “Oh, just some family stuff.”

“Is that right?”

Once Mom let Iris go, Mark went for her as well, putting his arm around her. 

And Monica sat there on the couch, alone amongst the couples, brewing in her own sorrow and isolation, trying to swallow it and be happy for her sisters with mixed success. 

***

The afternoon melted away into evening. They all wound up ordering pizza and watching the Celtics game together, simply relaxing in Amy’s living room. By night’s end, though, Mom and Dad were ready to go, and Monica went with them. They were… Reluctant to leave Mark there with Nicole and Amy and especially Iris, but they relented when Iris assured them Mark would sleep on the couch. She meant it, too- she wasn’t quite ready for the idea of sharing a bed with her… Whatever it is that Mark was at this point. 

Even still, he sat on the foot of the bed reading his lady astronaut book while Iris laid on her back contemplating the day’s events. She hadn’t taken off her dress or her makeup yet, but she would soon. 

First, though… 

“Thank you for coming with me,” Iris said, sitting up.

Mark put down his book. “Ja, of course. How do you feel?”

“Relieved,” Iris said, crossing her legs. That had become… Easier, lately. Not as easy as it probably would be after a full transformation, but… Easier. “I don’t know if I’m ready to come to school as me yet, though.”

 “Take as much time as you need,” Mark said. “I will support you no matter what.”

Iris. “Holy Hannah, what did I do to deserve you? I mean, s-seriously, what’s so g-great about me?”

“You are well-read and honest and passionate,” Mark said instantly. “You have a good heart, even if you don’t always listen to it. And you know how to use a gun and gut a fish, which I find quite hot.”

Iris giggled. She’d never done that before she’d hatched, and now she was doing it more and more, especially around this boy. She pushed her hair back, and she bit her lower lip briefly before saying, “I really, really do appreciate everything you’ve done for me. And I guess I was wondering if… Maybe,” her heart thundered louder and louder and louder inside her chest, and the words caught on her teeth as she struggled to say them.

That was when he kissed her, his light stubble tickling her face, his lips soft against hers despite his aggression. Shock trembled through her, but she went with it, stoking the warm fire in her chest as she kissed him back. 

“Can I be your boyfriend?” Mark asked, pressing his forehead against hers. 

Iris exhaled and smiled. “Yeah. Yeah, you can.”

She kissed him again, and they got lost in each other for a while. 

***

Amy spooned Nicole as they laid in bed together. Nicole wanted nothing more than to lay here forever, forget everything outside this room. 

Amy evidently had a different idea. “Does your mom not like me?”

Nicole gulped, nearly choked. “W-what makes you say that?”

“Just a vibe she gives off,” Amy said. “I’m guessing she’s not crazy about us living together?”

Nicole rolled over and faced Amy directly, only a few inches separating their faces. “She has no right to level that argument- she and my dad were living together right out of high school. And definitely not in a place this nice.”

“Didn’t you say your dad knocked her up though?” Amy said. 

“I… Yeah, yeah, that’s true. It’s not that, though.”

“Then what is it?”

“My mom… She has a bit of a chip on her shoulder when it comes to people with more money than her,” Nicole said. “It’s been a thing my whole life, probably longer than that.”

“I see,” Amy said, furrowing her brow. 

“I made her promise to be nice, though,” Nicole said. 

“Well, that’s good at least,” Amy said, the sorrow still plain to see on her face. 

Nicole’s heart ached, and she ran a hand through Amy’s hair as she said, “You know how moms are.”

“Yeah, I sure do,” Amy said with a bitter laugh. 

Nicole cringed. “Sorry- I meant Victoria-”

“I know you did,” Amy whispered. “She, uh, told me about her conversation with you the other day. She said she’s gonna try, even if she’s… Not used to…”

“To people like me?” Nicole said. “Lotta that going around, ain’t there?”

“Yeahhhh,” Amy said. 

Nicole kissed her girlfriend. “It’ll be okay. We have each other, and that’s what matters to me.” 

Amy kissed her back. “I know.”

“Do you wanna spend Thanksgiving with me?” Nicole asked. 

Amy’s eyes went wide, and her lips trembled. “I would love to.”

Nicole smiled, and tears streamed out of her eyes. She kissed Amy again, deeper and with tongue, as a reassuring warmth ran through her. A magnetism that pulled her to Amy, kept them together no matter where they went. She knew then that no matter what happened, no matter where their strange, strange lives took them, Amy would always be a part of her. 

It was then that Nicole knew she was in love.