In the end, what saved me was the thought of Kishirra right there with me.
I could at least try and copy her.
Fake it until you make it!
I spotted the fabric vendor to the right side of the market, and, stepping past a large cow pulling a carriage, I met with a middle-aged man who was busy folding clothing.
“G-Good morning,” I greeted him.
There! Amazing! I got this. I could be as cool and collected as Madama Kishirra, no worries about that. I just had to ignore the rumble of my beating heart screaming in my ears or the need to carve a hole for myself right then and there and disappear in the dirt.
Easy!
“Yes?” He replied with a nod.
“I had a list. I…” wait, would it think it weird if I pulled it out in front of him? Surely most of his customers kept these sort of things to memory.
Why did I care so much about what he thought? I was just a customer.
And now I was rambling again. It was always like this… maybe I should just run away and make up a story about being assaulted. Father would understand and…
I balled my fists.
“I would like. To buy two fathoms. Of clear wool cloth. Rough is fine.”
There. The words came out of my throat like boulders, but they did get out. I let out a long breath.
“Sure thing.” He nodded and went to work, cutting up the needed amount. I rummaged through my backpack for the right amount of coin and paid.
“We also have linen if you need it,” he added as he gave me the cloth.
“Ah. No, thanks it’s fine like this…”
“Didn’t you ask for rough?” He chuckled. “Are you sure? I can give you a bit of a discount. Just for today.”
“I will think about it.” Which meant no. “Thanks for everything anyway.”
“Right… I will be here if you do think about it. Keep in mind linen goes fast, though. You won’t get a better price anywhere else.”
“Great.” I put the cloth in my backpack and walked away from the stall, trying to understand what had just happened.
I just… I did it.
It had been horrible. I could pray and kick and scream – please never make me do that again!
But I was there.
I put my hand against my chest as I thought about what that meant.
Maybe I could.
I could… I could do this.
“Thank you, Madama Kishirra,” I muttered to myself. I could do this!
And what was even better, the salesman did not even try to belittle me, or called me a failure, or criticise my choice of clothes.
Which was… once again, my paranoia talking.
I had to stop being such a worried mess. People would catch up on it. Kishirra would not let herself get flat-footed like that.
Next: cheese.
I squared my shoulders and set my backpack a little better on them.
Time to see how I dealt with cheese sellers now.
+++
By the end of the morning, I had managed to buy everything I needed… and I did not die. I took a moment to rest my arms, putting the bottle of milk to the ground as I kneaded my wrists. These things were heavy. No wonder Mom managed to look so good at her age. Plenty of exercise, while I was stuck with my weak nerd arms.
“I did not die,” I muttered, almost too shocked to say anything more intelligent. I stepped out of my home and managed to talk to everyone, even to say ‘good morning’ and ‘goodbye’. A smile spread over my lips as excitement ran through my veins. I could do this.
Picking up the milk once again, I hurried back home and when I came in, I immediately went to hug my father, who was still huffing and puffing at the forge.
“I did it,” I whispered, my heart beating so fast it sounded like thunder. “I did it… and they listened to me.” I was still trembling with excitement.
My father pulled me into an even tighter hug, holding me against his leather apron as he ran his fingers through my hair. I was home again and for the first time since I came into this new world, I felt like I truly did something to earn this second chance.
“I could talk to them and look at them in the eyes,” I explained.
“It gets easier,” he explained, still patting my head. “You know, when your mother was your age, she was also a bit like you. She used to be so shy she couldn’t even speak to people unless someone spoke first.”
“Mom used to be like that?” I couldn’t believe it. A far cry from how she was nowadays, the confident woman who could spend hours bartering and haggling.
“Maybe it’s something in the blood. But she did get better, and you will as well.” He tilted his head towards the garden. “I took care of her bandages and changed her bedsheet. Did you buy new cloths?”
“Yes, I got everything…”
The next few minutes passed in a whirlwind of emotions. I took care of Mom, changing her clothes again and drinking fresh milk with her. It did help to turn her cheeks a little rosier. Her fever was going down and while she was still a sweaty mess, it seemed she would recover sooner than later.
When I finished I stayed by her side, holding her hand like I did that morning. I thought of Madama Kishirra and how helpful she had been. It was also thanks to her that I managed to come out of my shell and actually talk to people. Next time I met her I wanted to tell her all about it.
“I can’t believe what Dad said,” I murmured, holding Mom’s sweaty hand. “Maybe it is something in the blood indeed. Thank you for being my Mom.” I put a kiss on her forehead. Mom’s eyelids fluttered and maybe it was just me, but I thought I had seen a smile appear on her lips.
It was all so strange – maybe the circumstances of my rebirth did have some part to play in this? Maybe if it was in the blood – genetic, I would have once said – I did inherit something from her that influenced my own soul? I had never met anyone else who got reincarnated in this world, and the concept did not seem to be even that common or understood, so I couldn’t say.
There was an uncomfortable undercurrent of fear beneath all this: was I really myself? How much did this body influence who I was? I was myself, and I was Lugana Delebasse, and I was both.
Food for thought, but surely for another time. I kept company to my mother, sitting next to her as I kept vigil to her feverish body.
Madama Kishirra would have stayed there.
So I did the same.
I could do this.
Patreon
loving this so far, very fun characters!
Thank you for letting me know! I’m glad you are having fun and there’s lot more coming!