Lotus17

Hey everyone, so remember how this story existed? I am so sorry for the delay, but it is now officially back on track. Elamimax, an amazing author and the cowriter of this story, and I are back to finish this story once and for all. Apologies again for the delay, and we both hope you all enjoy.

“Hey, hold up a sec?” Jace did his best not to faceplant as he hurried after Maisie while putting his shoes on, a feat he was only capable of because of his practice. Well, that and the fact that they’d definitely seen their best days, but he wasn’t in a position to exactly acquire some new shoes any time soon. Maisie had quickly slipped into a pair of comfortable flats and was patiently waiting by the door. 

“I wasn’t going to go anywhere anyway, silly,” she said. “You have to walk me home, remember?” She gave him a dainty, exaggerated wink to go with that, but a part of him did feel a little uncomfortable. Like he was a gentleman walking her home, and even after these past few weeks that just… didn’t sit right with him. He’d been following Sean’s advice, and here, too, he understood where she was coming from. If he was a girl, he’d want someone he was comfortable around to walk him home. But he also knew that, if he was in her position, he wouldn’t want that person to be a guy. Well, in her position, he’d want it to be, well, Maisie. If he was Maisie he’d want a Maisie to… Hold on...

He short-circuited briefly at the paradox his circular reasoning had left him at, and between trying to logic his way through nonsense and having to navigate four functioning limbs, he just barely avoided crashing face-first at Maisie’s feet, which would have been symbolic but painful. “Uh, yeah!” he said, and stumbled again. “But there was a thing I wanted to talk to you about actually so like, double hold on. Eh, up. Whichever.”

“Are you alright?” Maisie asked, raising an eyebrow. He took a breath and shuffled his feet. One of his shoelaces had ended up underneath his foot somehow, but he couldn’t duck down and fix it now. That would be silly. “If something’s up, you know you can talk to us, you know that, right? To all of us?”

He knew that. Of course he knew that. The way everyone had accepted Amy and Maisie, he knew this group was Good PeopleTM, but he also didn’t want to talk to the others about this, because it wasn’t really about the others. It was about Maisie, and his feelings for her, and how complicated those were, and that he didn’t want her to be uncomfortable, and the thought of even having a conversation like that with the others around was mortifying. 

“Um, yes. Of course, yeah. But I want to talk to you. Um.” He took another deep breath and started to walk, Maisie following alongside him while he tried to get his thoughts to stop ricocheting around his brain long enough for him to catch one. Maisie, meanwhile, was clearly exercising the patience of a saint, because she was simply walking alongside him. Or she was just enjoying his presence, which was a possibility he didn’t even dare consider. “Um,” he said, and then a few more times, because his language-processing-center was currently installing updates. 

“Do you want me to get you started?” Maisie offered. Jace paused and looked at her. She couldn’t in any way have any idea of what he was thinking of, could she? Sure, she’d flirted back during the session but, like, maybe that was all just in character? Or like, banter between friends? Maybe? And even if it wasn’t, that just made him more uncomfortable because he didn’t— “First question,” Maisie said. “Is this about me?”

He thought for a moment. “Yes,” he said. “Um. Sort of.” The corners of her mouth went up. 

“Is iiiit… about us?” Oh. Oh no. She had figured him out. The cat was not just out of the bag, it was up in a tree and hissing at passersby. He swallowed and nodded. It was, wasn’t it? He had feelings for her, and it made him feel like a creep. If she realized he was that uncomfortable, would she take it badly? “Okay,” she said, “but you seem like you’re trying to escape out of the back of your own head, so it’s not just that, is it?”

He shook his head. It wasn’t just that. But what was it? Was he that uncomfortable with her? No. God no. He’d considered what it’d be like to be closer to her, to feel her heart beat against his chest, to hear her breathe so quietly it was only audible to him, to feel her fingers interlace with his. Not even that much. Only ever when he was awake. But there was a distinct wrongness there, and it wasn’t her. 

“Okay,” Maisie said, tapping her chin thoughtfully. “So, it’s probably to do with the girl thing. Hum.” She squinted and looked up, completely unaware of how beautiful she was, and how much he wanted very much to see that face up close. Like, all the way up close. And she wasn’t wrong. It did have to do with the girl thing. About how…

“What’s it like?” Jace blurted out. Maisie blinked and looked at him again. 

“Being trans? I feel like we had a conversation a while ago about this, right?” she asked. She didn’t sound annoyed or anything but he still didn’t want her to think he hadn’t been paying attention last time. He had!

“Uh, no,” he said. “Being a girl.” That was a big part of it, wasn’t it? She was a girl, and the thought of him being with her felt so wrong because he’d be adding something… rough to that image. Something dirty, something wrong. Something Jace. 

“Oh! It fucking slaps!” Maisie said. “Sure, it’s been… scary. Exhausting, sometimes, but that’s not the girl part. I get to be soft, and pretty, and I feel right and I can’t stop smiling some days because I get to be a girl.” She sighed so wistfully Jace almost lost himself in the feeling of pure empathy. 

“That sounds amazing,” he said quietly. What if, right? The thought alone gave him butterflies. The thought of being with Maisie, but as a girl… it was too sweet, too pure to think about. To fall asleep together watching a movie, but as girls. To hold hands. To hug. To… kiss? Maybe? As girls? Would that be okay?

“I know r— hold on.” Maisie stopped and put a hand on his arm. He turned to her, and she cocked her head to look at him. “What’s it like being a guy?” she asked. Jace almost laughed but she seemed dead serious. What was it like being a guy? Hard work, sure. It required he walk and talk a certain way, and behave like a real guy, like walking a girl home and being a shield for her and stuff like that. It wasn’t all that bad, all things considered. 

“Uh, I don’t know. Not much, I guess. It’s useful, right? Like, I don’t really get harassed and stuff.”

“Useful. Right.” Maisie studied his face intently. “But being a girl sounds amazing.” Well. Yeah. Obviously. 

“Well, yeah. Obviously,” he said. He looked her in the eyes and felt a blush creep up onto his face when he imagined being a girl, a girl being in front of this one. 

“In what way?” Maisie asked, putting her hands on her hips. 

“Like, so many ways!” he explained waving his hands frantically. “Like, for example, um, being a girl with other girls!”

“That’s the first thing you think of?” she asked, incredulously? “Why?” Well, he didn’t really have an answer for that. Okay, that wasn’t true. He absolutely had an answer for it, but he couldn’t say that, could he?

“I mean… just… girls holding hands… it’s just right, isn’t?” 

“It is for the girls,” Maisie said. She crossed her arms and looked at him skeptically. “Jace.”

“Maisie?” What was she driving at? Surely she couldn’t really read his thoughts, and since he hadn’t verbalized any of it, there was no way for her to know what was going on with him. But on the other hand she seemed to be absolutely convinced of… something, even if he didn’t know what it was, and—

“Do you want to be a girl holding hands?” her question cut through the air, slicing his thoughts clean in half. 

“I— Wh— How— What—” he stammered. No thoughts. Head empty. 

“Maybe a girl falling asleep with other girls? Kissing other girls?” Maisie was tapping her foot, almost glaring at him, and none of it was properly parsing. Well, one thing was. 

“N— Not really,” Jace finally managed. 

“Oh?” Maisie’s eyebrows went up. It seemed she hadn’t expected that response. 

“Not… Not girls.” He took a deep, shuddering breath. “Girl. Just one.” 

“Oh,” Maisie said, and she smiled. “You should have said something, dummy.”

“I… What? I what? What?”

“You can be a girl, babe,” Maisie said, and she took a step closer. But… that wasn’t right, was it? Was that allowed? Jace wasn’t allowed, was he? He was wrong. Wrong to be with her. Jace was wrong. 

Hold on.

Jace was wrong. He was wrong.

Jace was wrong. He was wrong.

But if he wasn’t Jace... If he wasn’t he…

Maybe she was allowed. 

“Come here,” Maisie said, and grabbed her by her collar and pulled her into a kiss that shattered whatever was left of her mind.

They did have to go their separate ways after what was two eternities too short of getting to be a girl, standing in front of another girl, and getting kissed right in the face. 

The last leg of the walk home was different. She had a lot to think about, after all. The name Jace… that one didn’t really fit anymore, did it? Because like, she really didn’t want to go back to being Jace, and being a guy. She couldn’t pretend to be one anymore even if she tried. What would Mom say? What would Mom think?

“I’m home!” she called out. She’d seen the car parked out front, so Mom was probably home early. As she thought, her mom had already crashed on the sofa. She looked exhausted. 

“You seem chipper,” Mom said, and smiled weakly. “What’s got you so fired up?”

“Mom!” She almost bounced off the walls. What was she even supposed to say? Her excitement seemed to be a little infectious, though, because her mom was clearly perking up a bit.

“What’s up, honey? Did you finally talk to Maisie?”

“No! Well… Yes! But that’s not what I want to talk about!” 

“You’re killin’ me, smalls,” Mom said with an exasperated laugh. 

“I’m a girl!” 

Mom stared at her for a few seconds. The smile faded slowly. “Jace…”

“I don’t think I’m Jace anymore,” she said happily.

“This really isn’t funny.”

“I… Mom, I’m not joking…” she said, and she felt the excited butterflies that had been fluttering in her chest slowly descend down a pit in her stomach. 

Her mother rubbed her face. “I can’t… I can’t do this right now…”

“Mom?”

“Give… Give me a second.”

“Mom, I want to be a girl. I am a girl.”

“I heard you! I heard you.” They both sat in absolute quiet. Terror crept up and down her spine. Had she been too excited? Too rash? Was she about to lose her mother? Had she made a terrible mistake? Maybe there was time to undo it. Maybe she could pass it off as a bad joke. Her mom had a lot to deal with, and maybe it wasn’t fair to her to bring this to her attention right now. Sure, it would be hard but she could pretend for a few ye— “No,” Mom said. 

“No?”

“I’m not going to let this be a problem,” Mom said. “You’re my baby.” She stood up and looked her daughter in the eye. “I’m sorry. It’s been a long day. Well, night and a day, but who’s counting.” She sighed. “I’m sorry, I don’t... I don’t know what the right response is. They don’t teach you this stuff, you know.”

“Mom, I…”

“If you tell me you’re a girl, who am I to tell you no? I’m the luckiest mom in the world either way.” She smiled apologetically. “I’ll… I’m sure there’s people who know more about this stuff. We’ve had each other’s back all this time. The last thing either of us need is me putting my foot in my mouth, right?”

“Thanks, Mom.”

“Do you… did you pick out a name yet, or anything like that?”

“I… Penn— Penny? Penny, maybe?” Penny said. 

“Hi Penny,” Mom said. “I’m your Mom. I’m happy you’re home.”