“Aargh”
In a dark and abandoned alleyway of God knows where, three people were gathered two on the floor knocked out cold and one sitting against the wall, Cain was pressing down on a stab wound on his stomach, blood kept on flowing out staining his hands and his abdomen, this was the first time he had ever gotten stabbed and he was experiencing pain he had never know before.
Just a few hours earlier Cain was in his room studying for his semester test which was to take place in about 8 hours, it was late there was so much to cover but very little time.
Cain was in his late teens, he lived with his parents and his little brother, he was nothing special just a normal guy, who had no plans or ideas about what to do with his live, he was also not a bad student, he actually had a good head on his shoulders but the problem was that he didn’t use it too much, he was lazy very very lazy and the result of that was the situation he was in right now, cramming the whole night, but even that was not going to be possible because just after a few hours due to boredom he slowly but surely started to doze off at the table.
Then it came like a lightning strike he was suddenly jolted awake.
“Huff huff”
He was out of breath and on his knees, naked he could feel the cold nights air, the hard concrete beneath his feet, his body felt tired and heavy and pain was everywhere like his whole body was being pricked by needles.
He could hear loud sirens and dogs barking far behind him, there were people too, shouting but this only made his head hurt like hell, it was like he had been hit in the head with a pipe or some shit.
He didn’t know what was happening he looked around but he was definitely not in his room anymore but some place unrecognizable to him, his gut was telling him to run and the commotion behind him was only making it worse, so confused of his present situation and in pain he started moving in the opposite direction of the noise.
After running for what felt like an eternity to him, he made it to the edge, or more accurately a fence made of steel mesh, of where he was, it seems he was in some sort of port as there were shipping containers everywhere.
As he stopped and looked around to learn about his surroundings, he heard the shouts of the people chasing him which he had guessed by now, they were getting closer so he quickly climbed it and resumed running away as far as he could.
It was ghost quite after the fence not a single car nor person could be seen on the roads but still not willing to risk it he dashed towards the nearest alleyway limping to find some cover, that’s where he ran into two men.
It seemed like he ran into a guy who was mugging someone, one guy was knocked out cold on the floor and the mugger was going through his things.
Cain seeing this stopped like deer in front of headlights.
The muggers too seeing a man suddenly appear out of nowhere panicked but seeing him stop and freeze like a statue he took the chance and lunged at him.
“fuck”
Before Cain could realize and do something, it was already too late he was stabbed in the stomach with a knife.
Adrenalin rushed into his blood and he instinctively threw a right hook at the guy who was still trying to push the knife further in and it must have been quite a strong hook cause the mugger immediately fell to the ground knocked out cold.
Cain too fell down he felt pain, unbearable pain but surprisingly did not pass out.
He slowly pulled out the knife and more blood started to flow out of the wound so he pushed down on it using his hands
He stayed like this for a while but it was a good thing for him as this break allowed him to catch his breath and clear his head a little.
When he finally felt the pain going down and that he had enough energy to move again he approached the knocked out mugger on all fours and started stripping him, he put on his hoodie and his pants along with his shoes but tore up his t shirt into strips and used it as a bandage for his wound, he also found some cash in his pockets it looked like a couple hundred dollars, seems like his guy had made a good haul tonight but had the bad luck of running into him or was it his own bad luck since he was the one who got stabbed.
He did not stay for long after, fearing the people chasing him might soon catch up again, he started moving again but this time even more slowly cause of the added pain.
After running around for an entire night and making sure that he wasn’t being followed, he finally found a motel in the morning.
He did not even think about going to a hospital he was feeling so weak and exhausted that all he could think about was some place with four walls to hide him, some place to rest his exhausted body and this place was exactly what he wanted.
“ting” the door rang as he entered, there was a middle age woman cleaning the counter.
“Welcome................. well, you looked like shit”
She remarked as she looked up and greeted him while chewing on a piece of gum and she was right he did look like shit the mugger’s clothes he stole were not exactly clean and he looked like he had not slept for days.
“Can I get a room” Cain asked
“Sureeee” She eyed him for some time then turned around and took out a key from the rack on the wall behind the counter.
He reached out to grab the keys but she pulled back her hand.
“$50 per night” she declared “cash only”
he shuffled through his pockets and gave her $50 from the money he took from the poor mugger.
He took the keys and went where she told him the room was, it was a small room with a bathroom attached, there was not much space inside but he did not care about that, he immediately laid down on the bed as soon as he entered, he was so exhausted and tired but finally he was safe, he didn’t know what it was but those weak looking walls made him feel safe and secure and with that feeling it didn’t take long for him to fall asleep.
‘Can I get a room’
Maybe a different format for the "speech" because my brain automatically registered this as 'thoughts'.
Pretty dope intro though 💪
a normal guy who dont call for medical assitence and take out a knife of his guts after he was stabbed and dont die of blood loss for that
Good point
But that's the thing he's not normal plus he's not medically trained or calm enough to register the fact he can die of blood loss he's high on adrenaline
Or that's what I like to think plus he running for his life
I'll try to check things more carefully in the future thanks
@Deni I would say the "he's not medically trained or calm enough to register the fact he can die of blood loss he's high on adrenaline" isn't the best defense. Especially considering he knew enough to wrap up the stab wound.
The adrenaline isn't going to last long enough for him to make it to a motel room and pay for a room. Soon after the fight the adrenaline rush would go away and then the panic would set in. Panic for being a normal guy who is in an unknown place and just got stabbed.
Really I'm not to sure what to suggest for this really. Trying to think of reasons for why he didn't call for an ambulance and knows enough to at least give himself basic first aid. Could go the troubled youth who experienced gang fights, an ROTC student, or a military/police dropout.
You mention in the note you aren't sure what the chapter is missing. Personally I say character detail. You could expand on showing the characters background/personality. Mainly though I would say detail. Detail is the meat of the story. Detail on the location(if important), of what people looks like, detail of the blade when the fight occurred. Etc etc.
@KidBuu699 hmmm that's good
@Deni Not necessarily, sometimes the stab wounds don't touch any of the intestines, but the biggest problem is the infection that has a high probability of occurring, the adrenaline and everything else went well because it was more realistic.
@KidBuu699 Hey, when you get stabbed you won't think "I'm hurt, I have to call an ambulance", you will just try to stop the bleeding and if you lose a lot of blood you will become disoriented, just think about resting, the majority who arrive at hospitals are accompanied because they are the ones take them or call the ambulance
@degm1555
"I'm hurt, I have to call an ambulance"
🤣oh man, could not have said it better
@degm1555 If I get stabbed my first reaction is to put pressure on the wound. Then it is going to be to call an ambulance or 911.
The issue with your resting comment is that he had enough time to go through the robber's pockets, take off his clothes, put them on, runaway from the people still chasing him and find to a motel in a city he doesn't know and buy a room. All the stuff he did goes against your disoriented only thinking about resting argument.
He did not stay for long after, fearing the people chasing him might soon catch up again, he started moving again but this time even more slowly cause of the added pain.
After running around for an entire night and making sure that he wasn't being followed, he finally found a motel in the morning.
Judging by this passage all of this took a while. At least an hour or more. A whole night of not resting or getting tired from the blood loss.
I saw a future comment guessing who the mc's body is and your reply suggests that theory to be correct. You could use the argument of "instinct" or muscle memory on how the mc knew how wrap the wound but its a stretch and wouldn't really explain his other decisions of the night.
@KidBuu699 look man I sorry but im gonna be real I just made up this scene daydreaming while studying 😂 so I'm sorry but there is not gonna any meaning its just a mistake a not very well thought out one
But I'm really thankful bros this is the very reason I'm writing this I wanna write a orginal web novel but I was afraid I'll make mistakes like this
Thanks man 😆
@Denis Don't worry, at least it's a lot better than most DC stories and you can get better at it over time.
@degm1555 thanks man appreciate it
@Deni it´s okay it a web to write wathever you want
@DERMONIAN thanks
@Deni Don't apologize man. A lot of people view sites like this and commenting in different ways. For me I see it in two ways. For the readers its a form of free entertainment. For the writers it is a place to improve their craft.
The best thing to do when you get feedback like this is to take a step back and ask if its constructive in any way. How can I use this to improve future writing projects. Side note: Not saying to rewrite the chapters or anything. Just giving ways to think.
Also I will say the "mistakes" aren't ground breaking things. They aren't plot holes that risk driving people away from the story. There just small things and ever author does make mistakes even the published ones.