Sel squeezed his small, scalded hand tight, clinging on to another with blind faith. The blood trickling from his forehead didn’t bother him, even as it seeped between his eyes. 

Yet the other hand was limp in his palm, its wrinkled and coarse skin a testament to the years of suffering. The flames flickered all around them, the metal twisted and sparks fizzling.

“D-dad… I…” 

“He’s still alive! Over here!” Distant shouting from beyond the rugged doors echoed all around him.

Sel tried to call for help, but the smoke caught in his throat, and he gagged instead. Unable to speak, he could watch as the burly gloves grabbed him out of the burning car wreck, away from his impaled father, the plushies that they had amassed together catching on fire and turning into cinders.

That was the last time Sel saw his father. 

Not even the coffin had a glass to at least see his father resting peacefully. The burns had disfigured the body, and no one could bear to see it directly. 

Especially not Sel. 

He cried and sobbed while he watched the coffin enter the cremation chamber, as though they were putting his dad through yet another round of fire. 

“…This current life is but a small part of a long journey through the cycles towards paradise. Good things come to those who persevere…” The shaman’s voice droned on as the coffin was incinerated, yet it failed to console Sel.

But how long is the journey?

“Don’t worry, sweetie.” A warm hug from his mother supported him from the back as the tears ran down his face. “He’s in a better place now, and you still got me. I’ll protect you now.”

Back then, Sel was young, but not naïve. Yet it was in this moment of weakness that he succumbed, his mind clinging on to any imagery or belief that told him his dad was alright somewhere, that his father was happy and alive.

But it's not the dead who suffer anymore – it’s the living.

His mobile phone buzzed a preset alarm in his hand, his hand no longer small nor scalded like six years ago. Only a discolored scar remained as a reminder.

[University Scholarship Application Result – Thirty Minutes!]

At least there’s something good to look forward to. Sel smiled to himself as he checked his upcoming alarms. He had set multiple, just to make sure he didn’t forget.

Maybe the result is already in. But before Sel could check his email, his seat jerked to a halt, the bus stopping right outside his house.

“Have a good rest, Sel.” The driver tipped his cap as Sel got off the public bus, the creaky doors squeaking as they shut.

Assuming I can even rest properly at home.

Home was usually when one felt the most peace and comfort. Where long forgotten childhood memories could be unlocked with just a turn of a knob. Sometimes, when Sel grabbed the handle of the main door, he half imagined his father waiting for him behind it, ready to surprise him for his twelfth birthday party. 

He could visualize the neon balloons; the jubilant friends waiting for him. The birthday cake with his name on it, the presents tempting him to open before the party was over. The sweets, dancing, movies, and fun that came with it all. 

But there’s no birthday party this time.

He wasn’t twelve anymore. 

And his father was long gone, no matter how anybody else tried to phrase it.

An electronic rice cooker slammed through the glass windows out onto the porch, the muffled screams within finally breaking through for the entire neighborhood to hear. Sel could already see the passersbys on the street gaping at the sight while the more regular neighbors simply shook their heads and carried on, the shouting match part of their daily routine.

With a deep breath to steel his heart once more like clockwork, he opened the door; his memory of the birthday party shattered as his view was filled with a brutal catfight. Two older women grabbed and pulled at each other’s blouses and hair while a young girl desperately tried to break up the fight. 

“Mom, please, stop!” The young girl cried out in desperation, but the mother did not stop, continuing to wrestle and grapple with the other woman as they rolled on the floor amidst recent empty bottles of alcohol, dragging the young girl with them. Sel could already see scrapes and bruises on the young girl’s arms.

“Alright, that’s enough. I said… THAT’S ENOUGH!” Sel bellowed out in a thunderous voice, stomping as he reached forward to break up the fight. His words boomed across the house, stunning them into silence for a brief moment.

The young girl’s mother stared at Sel’s face, tears beginning to well up in her eyes as she slowly stood up with the support of the young girl. “John… John… you’re still alive! I… I thought you were dead!” The mother rushed forward to hug him, sobbing away in his chest. “W…when I saw the news, I didn’t know what to do… oh thank the gods you’re back…”

Sel had to fight back the urge to cry but didn’t dare correct his mother. Instead, he returned the hug, hoping it would give his mother some solace, however brief it might be. It wouldn’t be the first time he had done it as well.

“Good, you’re back. Now you can get this demented woman in fucking control?!” The other lady stood up, brushing the dirt and dust off her battered clothes from the catfight. “Why have you not applied for any fucking nursing home? You expect me to take care of this bitch forever?”

The sharp, exasperated tone caused his mother to suddenly stop crying. “John, who is this mad woman in our house? She’s claiming she’s the owner of the house! Is it not ours?”

“I told you for months, you miserable fuck, and I’m saying it again – I OWN THE DAMN HOUSE!” Sel’s aunt roared at the mother, unleashing her pent-up frustration.

“Felicia, take Mom upstairs.” Sel motioned with his head, prompting the young girl to reach forward, leading his mother away, but his mother only stared at the girl blankly.

“Who is this young girl, John? I’ve never seen her before. Is she someone else’s kid? We should find her parents.”

Sel could see the pain in his sister’s face, but he held it in, having done this countless times in the past few months. He patted his mom on the back, channeling a deeper voice than he usually had. “Trust her, Samantha, everything will be alright. I’ll sort it out.” 

Even before his mother cleared the staircase, Sel was already getting scolded by his aunt in a flurry of slurs and curses. “Look at the mess your mother made and what she did to me! You and your sister better clean this up before my boys get home!”

“I will, but you better not call my mom a bitch again.” Sel glared at his aunt.

“Why? She doesn’t even remember a thing when she wakes up the next day; what is it to you? She doesn’t even know your name or your sister’s! I’m surprised you haven’t signed her up for euthanasia yet.”

“What did you say?”

Sel clenched his fist by his side, his aunt only smirking in response. “Why? Going to assault me? MY HOUSE, MY RULES! And if you even dare to lay a finger on me, I’ll call the fucking cops on you – see how you take care of your mother then.”

“This isn’t even your damn house, you stole it from us! And now you want me to kill my own mom before I even have a chance to cure her? Haven’t you taken enough?!” Sel shouted back. 

“Stole?” His aunt scoffed. “Your mother could barely afford to pay the mortgage for such a big house! You three would have been homeless without me. I am the one who saved your damn family! Look at this!” 

She jabbed her thumb towards a framed copy of the contract. “Your own mother signed this! Read the names! L-Y-N-E-T-T-E. THAT’S ME!”

Sel wanted to argue more, but he knew very well that it was not something he could fight for now. His phone buzzed, a preset alarm reminding him of the scholarship. He calmed himself down, recalling his lessons from the shaman. Good things come to those who persevere, just let her win.

“I’ll clean up the mess later with my sister, alright? Let me check in with my mother first.”

“Nope, now. Clean it up now before you go up.” 

The boiling anger that he had just calmed down shot right up again. Sel decided to ignore his aunt, attempting to climb the staircase before his arm was grabbed. 

“You little brat, I said NOW!”

“And I said I’ll do it later!” Sel tried to shake off the grip, but his aunt held on firmly, her finely manicured nails slightly scraping his skin. 

“Oh? Is little Sel finally talking back to me? Think you’re an adult now? Speaking of that, you turned 18 last week. Then it's time to start paying rent.”

An defeaning silence fell between the two, Sel trying to register what she had just said.

“What..? What the fuck? After all this shit happening right now, you’re asking me to pay rent?”

“You think I’m just going to host you three fuckers for free for the rest of your lives? I’ve already given you and your mother six months' worth of free stay!”

“Are you fucking serious?! My mother can’t work! What about the last six years she paid?!”

“And what about me?  I don’t need to manage my own finances too. Do I not have needs and wants too? You think I’m supposed to just work for free as a stay-at-home nanny for your damn mom?!” His aunt retorted, showing off the still bright red scars from the catfight. “This is a family home, not a mental ward! And you better chip in for your family, or I’ll rent out the place to someone more useful!”

Sel couldn’t believe what his aunt was saying, at a complete loss for words. This bitch took all our inheritance, gambled, and drank more than two-thirds of it away, and she still wants to live on our rent? Our misery?

“If you really believe this is a family home, you wouldn’t have said any of that.” Sel grabbed her wrist and tugged it off his arm, moving up the stairs quickly before his aunt could hold him back again. As soon as he reached the top of the stairs, he heard a snap of the fingers behind him. A snap that had ruled his miserable years as a kid since his aunt became the new house owner.

He glared back down at his aunt, who was still snapping to get his attention. “I’m serious, Sel. Pay the rent by the end of this month, or all of you are out!”

Sel angrily stomped to his mother’s room, where Felicia was soothing their mother to sleep. He gazed at his mother’s anguished resting face, his heart tightening as he sat next to the bed with his sister, holding onto his mother’s hand, his fingers unconsciously moving over the gaps of his mother’s lost fingers due to dangerous work and lethargy. 

The calm snores of his mom soothed him slightly before his sister quietly reached over and tapped him on the shoulder, whispering into his ear.

“Did you calm down that gambling bitch?”

“Felicia, language.”

“What? She can call Mom a bitch, but I can’t?” Felicia grumbled quietly, her eyes darting to their mother to ensure she was still sleeping.

“She’s asking for rent now.”

Felicia was equally flabbergasted. “Now?! Of all times? Is she fucking mad?!”

Sel didn’t bother correcting his sister’s language, fifteen years old or not. He, too, was incensed, but as he gripped his mother’s maimed hand, he could not even begin to think how they could take care of her if they were to be evicted. 

A moment of silence passed as the two siblings sat there quietly, lost in their own thoughts.

How can I go to university like this? If my aunt is serious, she’ll kick my mom and my sister out of the house the moment I leave to fuel her own addictions.

Sel glanced at his sister, Felicia, who was still holding their mother’s hand tightly and cursing under her breath, the bruises on her own arm clear as day. Leaving would put a burden on her, killing her chances at her own scholarship. How can I do that?

He closed his eyes tightly, wrestling within himself as to what to do next, wondering if he could make the sacrifice.

“I’m going to reject the university scholarship if they reply.” Sel resolutely stated after a long consideration. “I can’t afford to be away from home for months on end, not when Mom is like this.” Every word he spoke hurt him deeply, like a knife grating on his heart. 

“But weren’t you supposed to do that law thingy? To get our house back?”

“I can do an online course; I’ll just self-learn. Would take longer part-time, but it’s doable.”

“Can’t we stay somewhere else? Somewhere away from that bitch?”

Sel sighed. How many times had he contemplated that? Despite everything the aunt has done so far, the rent was still cheaper than any other options out there. And no way in fucking hell I’ll concede the house to her.

“I’ll handle everything: money, rent, whatnot. You just focus on your studies, okay? You’re far smarter than I am.” Sel put on a strong façade, getting up.

“Says the one about to get a scholarship.”

“Not if I reject it. Give me half an hour, and we’ll swap.” Sel rubbed his sister’s head gently before going back to his room, plopping down onto his rickety computer chair. As the eldest, I must protect my family as much as possible. I have to give Felicia the best chance. 

But even as that ran through his mind, another thought surfaced from deep below, one Sel had battled with for a long time.

But what about me? Where’s my chance? Don’t good things come to those who persevere?

As the old second-hand laptop hinges creaked from its opening, Sel let out a pained sigh. He had pinned most of his hopes on the university scholarship application, applying more than a year ago. 

Before all of this happened. 

Sel could not even consider giving up on his mother – despite her current memory regression, Sel’s studies had only gone so well because of the sacrifices she had made since his father’s death. Now is my turn to make it up to you. To be the supporter of the family. To protect you and Felicia.

Now, he would have to reject it, but Sel took a deep breath and toughened himself up. Life gets tougher, and then it gets tougher.

He browsed through his email, ignoring a few failing pixels on the decade-old screen. Today was the day of his application result. He searched through the spam and junk for it. 

Nothing.

Weird, it was supposed to come in an hour ago or so. Sel pulled out his mobile phone, checking all his notifications. 

Nothing. 

I guess they just haven’t got to me yet… Just as Sel was about to put away his mobile phone, the phone buzzed, a notification of the email.

[Your Scholarship Application Result – Application #FBCGW2101]

Sel hurriedly opened it. Despite knowing he would reject it, he still felt a rush of excitement. 

The scholarship was a form of recognition of his hard work and his efforts over the last four years of school. The countless number of study notes and practice exam papers accumulated in his room vouched for it.

Everyone believed he would get it, and Sel believed in himself, too.

He had to.

Every night and hour that he had put into study was going to culminate into -

[The University of Oromura regrets to inform you that your application for the scholarship has been rejected due to various considerations. However, the spot in your requested course is still reserved for you should you wish to apply. Financial fees and requirements can be viewed on our website. Terms and Conditions apply.]

The chair creaked as Sel slumped back on it, a smile filled with disbelief forming on his face. “Re…rejected..?” 

I wasn’t even going to get a choice.

The absurdity of it all finally hit Sel as he began to chuckle slowly. 

No one else to laugh at but himself. 

“What control do I have over my life? What did I do wrong in my previous life to deserve all of this, any of this?! Do I even have a SAY?!” Sel broke out into a roar as he slammed the table, the laptop bouncing slightly along with the half-filled pens and scribbled study notes from long nights. 

For the first time since his father’s cremation, he broke down, tears slowly trickling down his cheeks. He crumpled to the floor, phone clattering on the moldy wooden tiles, sobbing deeply and as hard as his body would allow, years of pent-up anger and hate at his fate unraveling into a single outburst as he keeled over, fists clenched.

Everything in life seemed to go against him, to put him down further, to hurl him further into the pit of tragedy. Thoughts swirled in a massive whirlpool in his mind.

Already, images of his family homeless and living on the streets began to plague his imagination; he and his sister forced to be beggars, faceless among the numerous tents of the homeless.

He could imagine his aunt’s gloating face, laughing from the window of their cherished home.

The emotionless expressions of others looking at him like just another sob story to be forgotten, another facet of the 'bad economy'

The apathetic reactions of the cashiers when he bought food and medicine for a certain fate.

Spiralling despair took a hold of him, until he reached an epiphany: that he was at the absolute bottom.

And there was only one way to go.

Up. Up until I have what I want!

He couldn't stay down forever - not with his mother and sister still counting on him.

The sight of it all enraged him, a coursing fury rising from within, defiant to death. Sel curled his hands into a ball and clenched hard, determined to live out of spite, if nothing else as he slammed his fists onto the wooden floor tiles, determined to succeed.

Just as he regained a semblance of control, ready to strike back at the world, his phone buzzed again once more, rattling against the floor. Before he could angrily toss it away in lingering frustration, a strange voice began to play, its source seemingly from all around his small room, shocking Sel out of his own thoughts.

[Congratulations, Applicant. Your tenacity has been noted.]

[Good things come to those who persevere. Your application to be a deity has been accepted.]

[Beginning integration into User now.]