Darkness. Complete and utter darkness.

It felt like I was floating, hovering in an utter reflectionless pitch black void. Whether I was drifting along or suspended in place, I really couldn’t for the life of me tell.

All I knew was that there was nothing else—no sound, no taste, no smell, or touch in this sea of perpetual neverending darkness.Or rather was it that none of the sensations I'd come to associate with those words felt anywhere near like they used too? As I'd had the thought I'd found myself almost reflexively coming up with that response even though I didn't even know what I'd come to associate anything too seeing as my memories only went as far back as relaxing I was in this void.

I… I… I was scared. I didn't know what was going on or where I was. And what scared me even more was myself. The more time I had to think the worse it got. I didn’t know who I was but what I did know was that it was abnormal to not know that but I had no way of knowing how I knew that.

However, as time passed, I recalled more of what I was.Or maybe rather what I used to be? I was a human…with hands, feet, and a body… Wait why haven't I been thinking about this until now? I was so overwhelmed with just thinking about the darkness and not knowing who I was that I wasn't focused on exactly what I was. I didn't know why but I felt it could be a huge clue in helping me come to a conclusion that would put an end to this torturous line of thought.

Ok so I know I'm a human but what's my name? I know I've asked this already but it seems pretty important. I have a strong feeling that humans have names so I know my name has to be pretty important. Although I speak of arms and legs, it's not like I could see them. These features that proved I was human no no I must be a human but,even the little bit of sensation I could feel in this strange state still felt foreign to me. As I tried to keep my thoughts linear and on track I couldn't help the thoughts that bubbled to the surface of my head like a bad case of indigestion. 

What was going on?Who exactly is this me that I keep referring to or rather who am I? The more I thought of myself I thought about the requirements that had to be meet for me to even have the kind of thoughts that I had. I must have a good level of intelligence or years lived to have this kind of vocabulary and composure. I mean the fact that my thoughts kept trailing off hadn't left my mind but I know not sure how but I just know that if most people found themselves in my situation they wouldn't be as calm as I am  but I have no idea who that might make me or who I am. It's vexing. I understood that the ability to think this freely while not knowing my own name and even knowing that these thoughts themselves and this kind of situation wasn't very natural was not normal at all. It was all throwing me for a loop and with that making me spiral even further into thought.

The more time I had to myself to think the deeper this rabbit hole went. Honestly it was quite maddening. I couldn't tell how much time had passed since I'd been in this darkness. Could it have been days no more like months or it could even have been years. The amount of time I spent pouring time into that rabbit hole of thinking didn't help my disconnect from the time I'd spent in this darkness. Eventually all this thinking really did bear a few fruits to keep myself sane and keep constructive thoughts and ideas flowing and making sure I didn't drag myself down I decided to come to certain realizations and set certain rules for myself. I had to accept that I was human no matter how odd the sensations felt around me that was a must. I also had to just accept that even though I had no real memories to speak of I could think to myself. I had to accept that I had freelowing consciousness with no memoires to support it and I couldn't question that thought too deeply.

Once I'd successfully done that my thoughts stalled and I began to let my thoughts my mind and my consciousness itself begin to slip away. Almost as if all I was doing was staring into the darkness. It was then that it finally happened. The first of images in my mind that could be called memories began to appear almost as if I was watching a movie in my dreams.

It was raining and I was standing outside in it. I felt the mud below my feet and I felt the heavy weight in my chest that threatened to suffocate me. The longer it went on as the raindrops fell the harder it became to breath and soon I was gasping for air. (huuuh) (huuh) as I gasped for air and grabbed my chest the weight of it all made me buckle down to my knees. I looked around me seeing a beautiful garden around me with many vibrant and rare plants, flowers and even trees. As my chest tightened it wasn't only a physical weight but I felt as if there was a mental one as well. I could feel it this was dread this was regret, anger, and loathing on a level I had ever felt before. The longer it went on the deeper these feelings became until I realized. That loathing that I had felt it wasn't just any kind but it was self loathing. As the raindrops continued to assault me I began to feel another stream of what I assumed to be rain coming from my eyes. No wait where these tears. I didn’t think a piece of shit like me could even shed tears anymore. As I layed there gasping for air my eyelids began to grow heavy and it was then that I knew. I knew that I was dying…. And that I'd be dead soon.

And just like that I was back in the void. Almost as if a film strip had reached the end of its length and stopped playing, the memory came to an abrupt end. It felt as if I had been watching a movie but the ending I had been waiting for the whole movie for had stopped and said to be continued. That is to say that memory didn't feel exactly complete. I couldn't allow myself to question how I knew that to deeply least I find myself back in the rabbit hole but I just knew that there had to be more… but it was something that memory with all the emotions and feelings left behind most of them negative. It was still something and something was always better than nothing right. With even this bitter memory I now knew much more than I had before. Sure I still didn't know my name or even how I looked but as strange as it may sound it wasn't as important as what I did know or rather what I would assume. I had lived a life and I was a person. Along with that I also now knew that even though I used to have a life that life was now over. Put more simply, I had died. I'm not sure what exactly happened in my last moments right before I had died since my memory was cut off as I was on the brink but I did now know that I had died. But now what do I do? I found myself fringed by the thought but if I had died then was this the afterlife? Was it over for me despite the fact that I was still trying to make sense of everything I had just been and more over what I had felt in my moments before death was it all over for me now. If so and this darkness is all I had to look forward to then I'd have plenty of time to decipher those emotions I'd felt in that memory. However the prospect of doing so didn't seem to make me happy seeing as if I did I'd have to wallow in it in this darkness for well forever I guess.

Next thing I knew I felt a shift of sorts rousing me from my thoughts. But what was most eye-catching was… was it there I could hardly believe it. I didn't even know why it excites me so much, maybe because it didn't mean I was doomed to stay in this endless darkness, this void I had assumed was the afterlife. The light… It went from an utter reflectionless pitch black void to what I could now only describe as a tunnel leading towards that light. I'm not sure when it happened, lost in my own thoughts but that light was shining to the point now that going from that utter darkness to this it was a light that could not be ignored. Not that I would have ignored it anyway. As I focused on that light and let go of those damming thoughts that this was the end for me and that darkness was the afterlife that awaited me I began to feel myself relax. Now it seemed like I was being drawn towards that light now that I was more relaxed and hey who was I to defy this force in fact why not go with the flow. Just then I began to loosen up. It seemed I had been tensing up unconsciously and it seemed it wasn't helping. Even though the feeling of even my muscles felt foreign and strange to me.

Well whatever— pushing those thoughts aside the excitement and anticipation of the light beginning to fully enveloping me was finally beginning to sink right in and it was time because as I thought about it the light had begun to envelop me.

I knew that I had died. I didn’t know how but I knew that I had died. I didn’t know why but I knew. As the light took me I knew that as I layed there dying those complex emotions even I couldn't understand at the time meant that the life I had lived before could not have been any easy one. I knew that whatever place I had come from.That it had to have been cruel and that I had been equally cruel in it… and… and I knew that I had regretted that fact. I regretted the way that I had lived up until that point and the actions that I had taken to lead me to it. I knew that in the depths of my heart to my very core down into my very soul I screamed I prayed for a chance to change. Another chance to live and in those moments before I had died I promised I wouldn't waste it again… Another chance… At life.