I love you.

   I love you now, I always have, and I always will.

   I came to life the first moment I was held into your arms, they were soft, warm, and made me feel cared for, you were nothing but a baby back then, a cute little baby boy. Before you I only have glimpses in my memory of few moments I was held by other humans, and placed back in my shelf, but it wasn’t until I came to be with you, that I knew I was truly alive.

   You are the best thing that has ever happened to me, ever since you were a baby you always treated me with care, you held me with tenderness between your then chubby limbs, and even when you would accidentally bite or crawl over me when you were learning to move, it was never with bad intentions.

   You never rejected me when I was handed to you, rather sometimes you would calm down once I was in your hands, and I remember nothing made me happier at the time. Growing up with you has been the best experience of my life, even if it was the only one. I loved the moments we would play together as you built forts or carried me around as if I was your combat weapon, while many other pillows might have lived stagnant lives, mine was on of adventure. At the end of the day, when you were tired and your eyes were droopy, you would collapse on me, and I loved to be able to cushion your head with my body, but not only that, you made sure I felt cared for as well, because you always wrapped your arms around me, you were a cuddler.

   You never replaced me. I was cleaned, dressed differently, but never replaced. I was your pillow, and you were my boy, and I couldn’t be more grateful, all I wish is that I could return the favor.

   Not every moment between us has been a happy moment. As we grew together, I came to learn there are many more emotions than just happiness. Nothing would hurt me more than when you would unintentionally stain my body with your tears as you held me in those same arms when you smiled. I wanted to hold you as well, to tell you everything would be ok, just as I heard your mother say from time to time, to console you back, but there was nothing I could do, and it hurt. I could only beg that my softness and warmth would help you fall asleep so that you didn’t have to cry anymore.

   Very few times I muffled your screams, and all I could do was feel anger towards whomever made you feel like this was the only thing you could do to help a situation. I wanted to hold your head, to let you vent on me, and cry on me as I stroked your hair, but never did I curse my powerlessness until it came to those moments.

   I remember one night, where you laid in bed and held me as you do but did something different as well. You held a soft expression I didn’t understand, and did something you had never done, as you softly caressed my head, while laying your head and part of your body on me. Part of me wonders if you know I am alive, if you know I know; but all I know is that that was the moment I fell in love with you.

   As we began to grow more and you became a teenager, I am grateful you remained a relatively good kid. From the murmurs I heard from other teenagers running around at all hours of the night and getting in all kinds of mischief, you always stayed home at night, here, with me. Sometimes you wouldn’t sleep, it made me sad and worried, was I not good enough? Did I do something? Was it time for a clean? Where you ill? But I came to understand you just got distracted watching a series, or reading something, and sleep time passed you by. I came to accept it, and enjoy those moments with you, especially since the days that followed those, you always fell asleep more soundly than ever, and held me more tightly than ever, making me smile, and making me feel warm.

   I love that I get to be your confidant. Whenever you are sad, angry, happy, or proud, I am one of the firsts to know. You tell me everything, and I love it, even if everything you tell me isn’t necessarily good. I’ve seen the moments when you are sad and all I want is to hold you, moments where you are righteously angry, some in which after hearing you I know you are in the wrong, and all I want is to comfort you and help you understand, or rage with you if it is righteously so. When you celebrate, I want to celebrate with you. You are my everything and I love you, and it really hurts that I can’t be your everything, as I can just be your pillow.

   I’ve watched you cry, because of love, or feel down because of love, and I never understood. After all I love you, and it makes me feel happy and warm, but then I understood, it was due to someone else.

   If I could skip something from my life it would be those moments where you would talk about a girl you found pretty, or whom you liked to be around, because I wanted to be that girl. I wanted you to find me pretty and want to be around me, not only at night, but also during the day. To go on those dates I heard of, to hold hands, to look lovingly into your eyes… To kiss you.

   How much do I want to hold you back, to keep you with me, to tell you don’t need anyone, because you have me. To kiss your forehead, to kiss your cheek, to kiss your nose, and kiss your lips. I know I would be the best girlfriend, because I know you the best, because even if others have left you, even if some of your relationships have been strained due to your mistakes or those of others… I am still here… Loving you.

   The thought of you finding a girlfriend scares me. What about me? Would you cuddle with her instead? Would she become your confidant instead? Would you leave me behind? I know it is selfish, but can’t you stay with me forever, loving me and only me? You are my best friend, my only friend, and I love you, and I know no one could love you the way I do.

   You are a young adult now, still figuring things out. It pains me to know that some of those cuddles we have, that once were only for sleep or to find warmth, are those you use as a form of comfort. I am glad to be here with you in those moments, but I wish I could give you the form of comfort you crave as you hold me. I know you feel lonely at times, you crave the hug of another, and I want I WANT to be that other, I truly do, and it brings me to tears that I can’t. I would give anything so I could be a human like you.

   Yet despite all that, you still hold me. Despite all that you still lay your head on me. Despite all that you still caress my head. Despite all that I am still your pillow, and only yours. I thank everything for that chance, the chance to be with you and grow with you, and sleep with you every day. The privilege of knowing you more than anyone is mine.

   Even if you find someone… I will be here… Loving you still. I promise to keep you warm and make you feel safe, even if I can’t do anything. Feel free to cry on me, to scream on me, to look to me for comfort.

I love you.

I truly, love you.

And I always will.

Even as you now sleep. Even if you can’t really hear my whispers… I just had to tell you. I am your pillow, and you are my boy. And it will always be this way, no matter how much you grow, I will be here with you, so feel free to lay your head on me, and sleep soundly…