The rowdy afterparty in my head grew ten times stronger when the sun decided to join the festivities.

My kingdom for someone in Ezor to invent the blackout curtain.

Not that I had a kingdom.

I groaned and tried to roll away from the piercing beam of fire that easily bypassed the inn’s dingy curtains to stab me in the eyeball. Moving was a mistake. First, it let me know that my head wasn’t the only thing severely angry with me for the amount of drinking I’d done. Sure, it was pounding like an enraged goblin blacksmith beating on an anvil like it was performing in an off-Broadway play. But it wasn’t the only instrument in the "remind Harper why he doesn’t drink like that" band.

My eyes, stomach, bladder, thighs, and balls all strummed their own angry tunes.

Why the hell do my balls hurt?

It was a good question. A solid question.

And as I opened my eyes, I realized the answer.

Strung across the room like the remnants of a really twisted birthday party was a collection of clothes that had once belonged to me and my companions. There were not one, not two, but three naked and well-endowed ladies in my rented bed. Two of them had the sharply pointed ears of an elf, which was quite the confidence booster, knowing how picky elven chicks were about their bedmates. The sheets were crumpled, stained with the dried leavings of last night’s fun.

Our evening festivities returned as snippets of memories played in tiny chunks. The guzzling. The groping. The gyrating.

The way the ginger-haired elf had gobbled my entire—

I threw the thin blanket aside, suddenly determined to get up.

Boy was that a mistake.

The room swirled, leaned sideways like a Tilt-a-Whirl gone rogue, and then tried to dropkick me in the teeth by speeding at my face. Instinctively I used a [Combat Action: Practiced Parry] to avoid the hit, and for some reason the system complied. My hands shot out to catch me before I hit the floor, my wrists only mildly perturbed by the sudden push-up I was now doing.

"I’m late to the start of my own retirement from adventuring," I groaned, cautiously lowering myself to the ground. "Typical. At least the celebration was worth it."

"Good morning, ilonar," a voice purred from above me. "Need help up?"

I tried to ignore the use of the pet name, mostly because I was sure it was being used ironically. Otherwise she was being really shitty calling me the elven word for sunshine.

I mentally nudged open the Relationship Status menu:

??? - Elven, ???
Long-Term Relationship: ▰▰▰▰▰▰▰▰▱▱ 80% (240, Intimate Confidant)
Short-Term Relationship: ▰▰▰▰▰▰▰▰▱▱ 80% (240, Intimate Confidant)

"Nope," I chirped with false confidence as I struggled to get to my knees. The room threatened to drop kick me again, but I rested on my haunches instead of pushing myself. "I was just taking a power nap before I got moving. Good for the immune system."

The woman on the bed laughed low and deep. "Well, do you need company then?" She tucked a strand of blonde hair behind one of her pointed ears. "I’m sure Neia and Amber would be happy to kiss away the anger in your head, while I focus on other things."

I was struggling to remember her name, and it had nothing to do with the fact that my face was even with her amazing cleavage that was currently being pushed into the bed. Or that her feet were kicked up behind her in a way that made her seem really young but also drew attention to her powerful legs and bountiful ass.

My body screamed for round two. Three? Whatever. Every drop of blood in my body ran south, which did little to help with my hangover.

But it did remind me why I needed to keep moving.

Melanie.

Oh, she was going to be pissed.

"I’m sorry," I said, grabbing my shirt from under the bed. "I really must be going. You three…ah, have fun without me?"

The elven beauty—whose name still eluded me, and the system was content to be absolutely no help—pouted, and those full lips tempted me to stay just a bit longer. "Already? But it’s not even nine!"

I cursed and shoved my head through the shirt, almost mistaking an armhole for the neck. Stupid tunics. 

If it was already almost nine, I was absolutely in trouble. Melanie would have been up at dawn—the time we were supposed to meet in the common room—and was likely devising some horrible punishment in retaliation for making her wait hours before we finished the last leg of our journey.

"Thanks… uh, for the company," I said, tossing her a sheepish grin before grabbing my boots and heading towards the door.

"You might want to remember your pants," the woman said in a singsong voice.

"Pants! Right! Pants are important."

I didn’t know where my pants were, however. I seemed to remember taking them off pretty early on, but they weren’t by the door or in the immediate vicinity of the bed.

Eventually the girl woke up her friends—who I could tell weren’t really sleeping—and all three helped me find my missing clothing. 

It was very difficult to put them on with three naked women watching so intently.

Hungrily.

Damn my desire to start my retirement off right.

"Don’t be a stranger," the other elf girl—Neia—said with a heavy wink. "Thalia and I are always here every seventh, eighth, and ninth day in Prah. You should come see us again."

I checked Neia’s Relationship Status menu:

Neia - Elven, ???
Long-Term Relationship: ▰▰▰▰▰▰▰▰▱▱ 80% (240, Intimate Confidant)
Short-Term Relationship: ▰▰▰▰▰▰▰▰▱▱ 80% (240, Intimate Confidant)

"And I work almost every night," Amber said with a languid stretch that made my eyes move down her naked form. She wasn’t nearly as striking as the other two, but it was like saying a campfire was any less on-fire because it was next to two bonfires. "You can always come back and find me any time."

For good measure, I checked Amber’s Relationship Status menu as well:

Amber - Human, Waitress
Long-Term Relationship: ▰▰▰▰▰▰▰▰▱▱ 80% (240, Intimate Confidant)
Short-Term Relationship: ▰▰▰▰▰▰▰▰▱▱ 80% (240, Intimate Confidant)

Eighties all across the board. I was oddly proud at going three for three.

"Thanks ladies. I’ll keep in touch. Uh, enjoy your summer. Prah. Whatever."

Thalia and Neia laughed, their mirth like the twinkle of bells on an autumn night. Probably because my pronunciation of the elven word for summer was so horribly off I turned it from something musical to the sound someone makes when retching.

I buckled my belt, finished pulling on my boots, and got the hell out of the room before they could say—or do—something to change my mind.

But I wasn’t even halfway down the hall before I remembered to turn around, duck inside the room, and grab my sword from where it leaned against the wall like an old and patient friend. "Don’t worry, buddy," I said to the sword as if it were alive, "you’re coming with me. We’ve got some explaining to do."

Before leaving the room I checked my inventory to verify my prized possession was still there. The entire reason I was on this crazy path.

It was.

Grandma’s Cookbook
Legendary

I decided against taking it out of my inventory. Mostly because I was trying to ignore what was happening on the bed. It looked like the girls got distracted while trying to get dressed. I’m sure the memory would haunt me for the next few days.

Consequences for my actions.

As I ran down the hall of the massive inn—and took the stairs two at a time—I tried to strategize. Mel was likely pissed. But she also knew I was feeling bad about leaving Kinok, and my life of adventuring behind me. So maybe I could bat my lashes and play real self deprecating and then she’d—

"Morning, Harper!" Melanie greeted me as I reached the bottom step. Her pixie accent—which sounded a lot like a southern twang—warmed me, but I couldn't help but notice the raised eyebrow that accompanied her grin. "You look like you had one hell of a night."

Melanie - Pixie, ???
Long-Term Relationship: ▰▰▰▰▰▰▰▰▰▰ 100% (300, Sincere Soulmate)
Short-Term Relationship: ▰▰▰▰▰▰▰▰▰▰ 100% (300, Sincere Soulmate)

"Uh, yeah, you could say that." I scratched the back of my head, ruffling my messy hair. "I’m sorry I’m late, Mel. I promise it wasn't my fault. There was this thing, and then another…thing, and then—"

"Just stop, darlin’." She chuckled, shaking her head. "I ain't even mad. You're a grown man, and you can make your own decisions. Although, I must admit, I'm a little jealous I missed out on all the fun. Those elven ladies sure know how to party."

"Wait, you're not mad?" Relief washed over me like a tidal wave.

I hadn’t actually realized how worried I’d been.

"Of course not!" Her smile turned wicked. “You gonna add them to your harem?”

“Are you seriously on this again?” I groaned and shook my head. “No, I am not going to start a harem.”

“I don’t make the rules, Harper. Well, not these rules.” Her eyes twinkled mysteriously. “People like you—offwolders—they just typically do these things. That and have overly inflated stats. Nothing wrong with it.”

I shook my head. In previous versions of this conversation I’d tried everything under the sun to argue, up to and including the “if everyone else is doing it that doesn’t mean you should” logic. Nothing worked. 

“I’m just too busy,” I finally said with a sigh. “I had to hit Level 99 [Ranger] so fast to get out of that loan, and now I’m retiring and starting my own restaurant. Dalliances are one thing, but a harem sounds like a lot of work.”

“You just haven’t met the right set of ladies. But maybe this is your shot! You’ll get to settle down, enjoy your life here, and it’ll just happen!”

“Sure,” I said, pouting.

“Oh, stop. You deserve some fun, Harper.”

"Do I? Cause those ladies are still upstairs and naked and um… Right. I can tell from your scowl that I’m going to not do that and instead I'm…going to buy you breakfast?"

The disappointment leaked out of her blue eyes like storm clouds being blown away on an auspicious wind. "Great! I’m starving!"

We headed towards the inn's dining area, the steel at my hip a reminder of the things I was trying to leave behind. I was so happy to trade my life of running dungeons and slaying monsters for a quiet existence. Some would call it retirement. I called it starting over.

Of course, I couldn’t really start over.

I was a Level 99 [Ranger], and unless I could afford a Redo Potion, I was stuck being a Level 99 [Ranger] for the rest of my years. My lifelong dream of one day being able to be a Level 99 [Chef] was dead the second I took up a sword to get myself some starting income.

I’d always be a Level One [Chef].

But that only meant I didn’t have access to  Actions, specifically those related to cooking.

Sure, I’d never be able to season a dish to perfection instantly, or allow the system to do my pre-cooking preparations for me. But those things only mattered if you couldn’t just use a little can-do attitude and hard work to learn the old-fashioned way.

The system didn’t stop me from working my ass off.

It just discouraged it.

But I wasn’t going to let the system hold me back. I wanted to be a [Chef], so I was going to be a [Chef]. One way or another.

The legendary cookbook I’d won in a card game would be a huge help.

But all of that was a worry for a future version of myself, one that would be way less hungover and more excited for the idea of hard work. For now, this Harper was going to enjoy a hearty breakfast with his trusty pixie companion, which seemed like the perfect way to start the first day of my new life.

As we ambled toward the dining area, the sweet aroma of frying bacon and warm, yeasty bread tickled my nostrils. My olfactory sense even told me there was fresh coffee up ahead.

Suddenly I forgot about the three ladies upstairs. What were their names again? They weren’t bacon, bread, and coffee, but those were the only things I could think about right now.

Melanie led me across the dining room to a red-cushioned booth against the far wall. The curtains nearby were closed, making it dingy and dark. Perfect for my raging headache.

Almost instantly, a waitress came by and dropped off a pot of coffee, two mugs, and a paper menu about as long as my forearm.

"You ready for today, sugar?"

I mumbled something in response as I poured myself a fresh cup of coffee from the little metal pot. Wasn’t even sure what I said. It didn’t matter.

Coffee.

It was the stuff of the gods.

I was just really glad Ezor had it. Otherwise I would have spent my life figuring out how to cultivate and grow coffee trees. Shrubs? Stalks?

Shit. I didn’t even know what kind of plant they grew on.

All I knew was that I was happy it existed.

"Sweet glorious coffee," I murmured before taking a big sip. Burned the shit out of my mouth doing so, but the hot brown bean water rushed through my body, chasing away the hangover. I knew there were some who would say that coffee couldn’t banish a migraine, but those people were wrong. A placebo works as long as you think it does.

"—then we can go and see about finding a place," Mel said as my senses returned to thinking about anything more than the pounding in my skull and the coffee coursing through my veins.

"Sounds good!"

Melanie smiled at me, a conspiratorial glint in her eyes. "Didn’t hear a word I said, did ya?"

"Sure I did! You said something, and then something else, and then something about a third thing before talking about finding a place. I’m sure I can figure out the rest if you give me a moment!"

She threw her head back and cackled. "Ah, Harper. I don’t know what I would have done if I didn’t meetcha. Been one heck of a wild ride since you stumbled in my life."

"Stumbled? More like crash-landed," I chuckled, recalling the accident that had closed the door on Earth and flung me headfirst into this strange, magical world.

"True enough," Melanie agreed with a wry smile. 

"When your life takes an unexpected detour to another dimension, you've got to roll with the punches, right?"

"Yep. Roll with the punches and charm the pants off every woman you meet. And then add them to your harem." Melanie smirked, giving me a playful elbow jab. "But let's focus on the here and now. What are we ordering for breakfast?"

I perused the menu, salivating at the thought of eggs, bacon, and toast piled high on a plate. The sensible part of me—the tiny, whispering voice in the back of my mind—knew that our funds were running low and we needed to conserve what little gold we had left. But hell, I was hungry! 

"Let's see... I'll have the Farmer's Feast," I declared, trying to sound casual despite the gnawing concern in my gut. "With extra bacon!"

"Harper..." Melanie furrowed her brow, clearly sensing my unease. "Are you sure we can afford that? We've still got a ways to go before we settle down, and—"

"Don't worry your pretty little head," I said with a forced grin. "I've got everything under control. Now, let's enjoy this meal and focus on the journey ahead, okay?" 

She gave me a skeptical look but nodded nonetheless. As we waited for our food to arrive, I couldn't help but feel a mixture of excitement and trepidation. My dreams of starting anew were within reach, but the road ahead was still fraught with uncertainty.

And missing funds.

Paying off all my creditors back in Kinok had seriously eaten into my retirement savings.

"All right," Melanie said finally before she sipped her coffee, "I trust you. But remember, we're in this together—through thick and thin."

I made a small noise in agreement before polishing off my coffee and refilling it, and then promising myself this would be my last. As much as coffee was a gift from the gods, I didn’t need to overdo it and end up with the coffee runs all day.

We had miles and miles between us and our final destination.

Like a goddess descending from on high to bless us, our waitress appeared with an armful of plates that I quickly helped her unload onto the table.

"Thank you kindly," I said with my best southern-boy charm. "I’m Harper, by the way."

"Mirabelle."

New Relationship Unlocked!

Mirabelle - Human, Waitress
Long-Term Relationship: ▰▰▰▰▰▰▰▱▱▱ 70% (210, Truly Bonded)
Short-Term Relationship: ▰▰▰▰▰▱▱▱▱▱ 50% (120, Fairly Friendly)

Relationship gain modified by CHA and LCK!

Warning! Current Short-Term Relationship below current Long-Term Relationship. Estimated equilibrium point at 165.

Almost instantly the waitress smiled wide, and I could practically hear her panties drop to the floor.

"I appreciate the help," she said in a sultry tone. "Let me know if you need anything else."

I’d never get tired of that.

"Watching you charm them is almost disgusting," Melanie said before taking a big bite of bacon.

"Almost?" I dropped my voice with a grin. "I bet you ten gold I get my meal for free because of my Charisma bonuses."

"Nuh-uh. Like you always say: fool me once, shame on me; fool me six or seven times I’m an idiot."

I chuckled and shoveled scrambled eggs into my mouth. Almost waited to finish swallowing them before I spoke: "Regardless, Mel, you worry too much. I’ve gotten us this far, haven't I?"

"True, but how long can we keep this up?" she asked, raising a concerned eyebrow. "You're not worried about our finances? Or the possibility that someone might be following us?" 

"Following us? Who'd be crazy enough to follow this lovable mess? Aside from you, that is." I chuckled, trying to mask my unease with humor. "Besides, I've got a plan. You know. Sort of."

Melanie looked unconvinced. "Sort of?" 

"Look, the past is the past. We're moving forward now, alright? Trust me, everything will fall into place." I gave her my most reassuring grin—which probably didn't help much since I had actual egg on my face.

"Fine." She sighed, finishing her coffee. "But remember, Harper, I'm here to help. You don't have to carry all the weight by yourself."

"Thanks, Mel," I said, touched by her loyalty. "Now let's get outta here and find our new home."

***

We paid for our breakfast—or, rather, I paid for Melanie’s breakfast and she would have owed me ten gold—and left the inn. We followed the dirt road out of town, heading south to go further away from Kinok. The scent of fresh pine needles filled the air, and I couldn't help but feel a surge of optimism.

Surely things would work out, right?

We walked for about an hour, passing multiple small towns that dotted the road. None of them had that…je ne sais quoi that I was looking for.

And I could tell my indecision and nitpicking was irking my pixie companion.

"All right, Harper, I can’t help but ask: what's your plan?" Melanie asked as we passed through the outer bounds of yet another town I’d rejected. This one had a very Wild West feel, with all those wooden columns and beams.

I wanted something with a little more…variety. And brick. Brick was nice.

"Well, so, okay. First we find a nice little town," I said nonchalantly, as if it were the simplest thing in the world. "Then we settle down and then open up a restaurant. Last up, live happily ever after." 

"Uh-huh," Melanie said, her tone dripping with skepticism. "And how are we gonna make that happen when you keep saying every town ain’t good enough?"

"Easy," I replied, my mind racing as I tried to come up with something—anything—to reassure her. "We just need a little bit of luck and…uh…opportunity!"

"Harper, you can't rely on luck and opportunity for everything," she warned.

"Sure I can!" I said, perhaps a little too loudly. "Just watch me!"

We walked in silence for another half an hour or so before coming up to the next town.

The road let us through a sturdy, ivy-covered stone gate, and we immediately stepped onto cobblestone streets instead of hard-packed dirt. With the backdrop of the rolling hills that led out of the valley and into the Enderbloom Mountains to the north, along with the clusters of forests that promised lurking monsters, this was sure to be an interesting place. 

My map labeled this place Heart’s Rest, and I knew it was where I wanted to be.

"See, Melanie? Isn't this town just the bee’s knees?" I spun around, taking in the charming atmosphere and the warm smiles of its inhabitants. There was an undeniable sense of belonging here, like slipping into a well-worn pair of socks that had been lost at the back of your drawer for years. It felt…safe. Maybe even a bit boring. A good place to start a restaurant.

"Harper, you can't possibly know if this place is perfect just by lookin' at it,'' Melanie chided, her southern twang thickening as she folded her arms over her chest. "We've barely been here two minutes."

"Trust me; my instincts are never wrong," I assured her with a wink. "This town has got it all: friendly folk, cozy atmosphere, and plenty of potential customers for our future restaurant!"

"Uh-huh," she muttered, clearly unimpressed. "And where exactly do you plan on opening this restaurant? With what money?"

"Details, details," I said dismissively, waving my hand in the air. "We'll figure it out! Now come on, let's explore!" I grabbed Melanie's arm and dragged her along the quaint main street, practically skipping with excitement.

"Alright," Melanie sighed, giving in to my enthusiasm. "But if this doesn't work out, we're gonna have a serious talk about your lack of plannin', sugar."

"Deal!" I agreed cheerily, already envisioning the bustling restaurant we would one day own. It would be the talk of the town, serving up delicious dishes with a side of laughter and camaraderie.

The dream was so vivid in my mind, I could almost taste the mouthwatering meals we'd serve.

"Harper, slow down for a second," Melanie said, pulling me out of my culinary fantasy. "I'm all for chasing dreams, but we gotta be realistic too. You need to think about what you’re doing!"

But as if fate itself had heard our conversation, my luck answered. We’d come to a stop right outside a quaint little bakery nestled between two timber-framed buildings. Beyond the front door—which was surrounded by well-laid bricks—I could see a huge crowd surged around a frantic looking blonde woman.

A simple chalkboard sign propped up next to the door caught my eye, and I couldn't help but grin like an idiot when I read the words scrawled across it.

"Help Wanted: Assistant Baker."

"Would you look at that," I said, pointing at the sign triumphantly. "Luck and opportunity, just like I said!"