October 22nd, 2022 - Saturday.

 

I love the Carnival, the sights, the sounds, the smells...well the less said about the most of the smells the better. But some of them are good!

It's a little strange being back here, so many reminders of my old life before I fully stepped into this one. Now a different name, a still changing but different face. In a way, my life started here. 

Last year I was an entirely different person, next year who knows who I'll be. Everything is constantly in motion, but right now I like who I am. 

It's been a while since I felt like that and this Carnival is where I met Janna and her friends. Our friends now. Margo and Tess have been incredible this last year. I’ve never had friends like this before.

That’s why we’re back here now, on the not quite one-year anniversary of us all meeting.  

The carnival is only here for a short time this year. Something with permits I guess. I wasn’t really paying attention, the why wasn’t important. Being here now is.

The symmetry is nice, with beginnings and continuations. Our futures together, circling back here. We’re already planning on returning next year, and the one after that, a yearly tradition. 

It’s nice to have something to look forward to and a double date with my girlfriend and our best friends is exactly what this weekend needs. Even if it is mired with visions of the past. I’ll do my best to ignore them though, no reason to let them colour our weekend.

 

October 19th, 2021 - Tuesday

 

Get out of bed and go downstairs, it’s easy, or at least it should be. But here I am an hour after waking up just staring at the ceiling.

Why does everything have to be so hard?

Maybe if I had the house to myself things would be different but my parents are downstairs and I just don’t want to talk to them right now.

Oh, they’re lovely, and they love me. That’s better than a lot of people can say but I still don’t want to talk to them. 

They’ll ask me questions, nothing heavy, but they still feel like there’s a weight behind them. 

“How are you?” 

“What are your plans today?” 

“Are you going to see any friends?”

All things I can only answer “No.” Or “Nothing.” to.

They mean well, they do. But they don’t understand. I’m not sure I do either. Things are just hard.

I really should get out of bed and not just because it’s almost midafternoon. Some things can only be put off so long and I’ve already pushed one such thing as long as I can.

Mom and Dad are in the kitchen when I finally go down. They both work from home and have already finished their work days. There goes any chance of avoiding them.

“Morning Mom, Hi Dad.” 

Dad gives an exaggerated look at his watch before he says. “Taking advantage of your gap year?”

My dad keeps calling this my gap year. “To help prepare myself for college.” I’m probably not even going to go. Why would I bother? Probably best not to say that though - it would only invite more questions.

“Something like that yeah.”

Mom grabs my attention by giving me a quick hug before she says.

“Hon, we need a few things for dinner tonight. Would you mind running out to the grocery store?”

I should help her more than I do, especially now as I have nothing but free time. I’m afraid of messing things up. It’s easier to do nothing and not worry about failing. I don’t want to disappoint her.

“Oh! Umm sure.”

“Any plans this weekend son?”

Son. I hate that word. I have a name. Sure it’s not much better, but it’s something.

“No, not really. Read maybe? Play a game. Nothing too exciting.”

There never is.

“What about your friend Patrick?” Mom asks.

His name was Richard and we haven’t talked since graduation. Mom tries but she was never good at names. We share that, unfortunately.

“He went off to University in another city.” He has a plan, a future laid out all in front of him. Me? I’m just adrift, sure I graduated high school. Big deal, and so did like hundreds other people from my school, including Richard. 

Now there’s just nothing. I’ve barely left the house. Maybe getting out for an errand will be good for me? I doubt it, but it’s to help mom. I don’t want to say no.

Spending time with my parents shouldn’t be this hard but right now I just want this conversation to end. Thankfully I have an out.

“Mom where’s the grocery list?”

“By the front door. Don’t forget your wallet and grab a coat. It’s cooling off fast these days.”

I probably would be fine but I’ll take a jacket anyway. Worse case I’ll just carry it. 

“Will do. I’ll be back soon.”

“No rush, I can get dinner started but I’ll need everything in a couple of hours.”

Onward! Away from awkward conversations. At least I hope.

 

G.R.Malkin’s Carnival and Curiosities!

Limited Time Only

October 22nd - 31st / 2021

 

The fliers are all over town, I’m not sure who they paid to put them up but they must be working overtime. They’re everywhere I look today.

A carnival sounds fun on the surface, with games, junk food, and good times with friends. If I had any it would probably be a fantastic time, but I don’t. That’s my fault, there’s something wrong with me but I can’t put a name to it. 

The closest I’ve come is that I don’t fit into the world. It’s like I’m an extra puzzle piece or something, there but not needed. That’s the only thing that makes sense.

Leaving the house is getting harder every day and I don’t know why. I only did it today to help Mom and it isn’t making me feel any better either.

Let’s just grab these groceries, get back on the bus and get home. 

Wandering up and down the aisles takes longer but I can never find anything otherwise and it’s not like I have anything better to do. The bus runs every fifteen minutes, I’ll get one whenever I’m done.

A few things pique my interest, maybe new food or something would get me out of this rut? Nah, let’s just get what I came here for. I probably wouldn’t eat it anyway, and then it would just be a waste of money.

There are more fliers plastered throughout the grocery store. I'm surprised they allowed it. Usually, they don’t. Maybe management doesn’t know? That would make the most sense. Not my problem either way.

“Excuse me?” Someone says.

I stop as I turn in the direction of the voice. She’s pretty, with red hair, and green eyes and is fairly short. She looks like she’s comfortable in her skin, and knows who she is. I’m a little envious.

‘Ye..yes?” 

“I was wondering if you could help me?”

Oh, does she think I work here? She must. That’s the only reason anyone would talk to me anyway. Still, there’s no reason not to respond.

“Umm sure, what do you need?”

She looks a little embarrassed but points at the sauces on the top shelf. “I need two of those bottles but I can’t reach them. Why is everything so high up?”

Ah, that makes sense. She didn’t want me specifically for anything. I’m the only other person in the aisle right now. Who else would she ask?

It’s easy enough to grab them, it would be rude not to and that behaviour would disappoint my mom and what could be worse? I wouldn’t tell her but she would be able to tell, somehow. She always knows.

“Here you go, as for the height thing I’m not sure. They need little stools or something.”

“That would be nice. Thanks, you’re a lifesaver.”

“Happy to help.” And surprisingly I feel a little happier. I guess doing a good deed was worth it just for this feeling.

“Thanks again, have a good rest of your night.”

And she’s gone, in a hurry to get back to whatever her life is. It’s probably great - unlike mine.

Not my business either way. Let’s just pay for the groceries and get home. I glance around for the girl again briefly but don’t see her. Is that weird? Probably. I tend to be. I just want to see her again, for a second.

Unfortunately, she’s nowhere to be seen.

Missed opportunities I guess, or it just would have been more awkward. Yeah, that’s more likely.

I better get home while things are ending on a good note. Those never seem to last.

Besides, I hate being out after dark. 

  

October 23rd, 2021 - Saturday

Mom’s sitting at the kitchen table when I finally drag myself downstairs. Shoot I was hoping to avoid her a little longer. She’s been looking at me a lot over the last couple of days but never said anything. I guess my luck ran out.

“Honey, can we talk?”

Yep. Definitely ran out. 

“...Umm sure Mom, what’s up?”

I haven’t done anything bad so I’m not sure why she wants to talk.

“Take a seat and I’ll make us some tea.”

“Thanks, mom.”

It’s going to be one of those talks. That’s worse than being in trouble. She wants to help.

She must have been listening for me to come downstairs because she was back much faster than the kettle would usually take to boil. She must have been boiling it while she waited. The tea smells like peppermint. Ok fine, I guess I can’t avoid this.

“So honey it’s been a while since we really talked. I just wanted to see how you’re doing.”

“I’m fine Mom, really.” Mostly…probably.

I take a sip of the tea, it is peppermint with a little honey. Just the way I like it.

Mom and I used to have tea together all the time, and just chat about our days. As I got older it just seemed weird until we stopped altogether. I don’t talk to anyone these days, especially not my parents.

“You’re hiding away here. I wanted to give you time to figure things out but I’m worried about you.”

“I’ve left the house plenty Mom.”

The look she gives me speaks volumes and unfortunately, she doesn’t leave it at that.

“Sure you have. So tell me, how many times have you left the house since graduation?”

Seven times in three months including the grocery run. I’m not going to give her the exact number though. “I don’t remember.”

Maybe that lie was too transparent because she was just staring at me.

I’ll just drink more of the tea. It’s good and it will save me from needing to talk again for a little longer. The cup might not have all the answers but it can at least stop me from talking for a couple minutes.

Unfortunately, my mom doesn’t give me that opportunity.

“Not even once a week. I work from home, I get it. It’s easy to fall into a pattern of staying inside. Especially when you don’t need to leave. It’s important that you do though.”

And do what? Be lonely in the house or be lonely surrounded by strangers? It’s not even a competition. 

“Why is it important? What difference would it make?”

Mom’s smiling at me, but there’s an edge of sadness to it before she slides a piece of paper across the table, and it only takes a second for me to see it’s one of the fliers for the carnival. 

“Because I want you to live your life and right now you’re not. I want you to go out tonight. Can you do that for me?”

Why is she making such a big deal out of this? 

I don’t want to go, not at all. But I felt better after going out for groceries. Maybe tonight will be more of the same?

Worst case I can always use this to give myself some breathing room away from more conversations. This one hasn’t been all that bad, but I don’t want to invite a proper intervention.

“Ok, mom. I promise.”

“Finish your tea hon and we’ll chat tomorrow?” It’s more of a question, and my heart aches a little at the hint of yearning. Have I been that distant?

The conversation has been awkward but it’s honestly been nice. Just spending time with my mom. I didn’t realize how much I missed these moments together. 

I’ll go out tonight, and maybe tomorrow I’ll see about changing things. Even if it’s just more conversations like this. I think things will be OK.  

“Sure Mom, I’d like that.”

October 23rd 2021 - Saturday - Evening

 

It’s too bright, too loud and there’s way too many people here. I’m not sure what I expected to be honest. It’s a carnival. Of course, there are people here.

Looking around I already regret leaving the house. I should have just stayed home, but I promised I would go out tonight. Maybe I'll actually have fun, who knows?

There are rides but I don’t think I’ll go on those. Getting locked in place beside a total stranger? No thanks. 

So what else do they have?

Oh! There’s a bulletin board, that’s useful.

It doesn’t seem like this carnival has a freak show. That’s for the best even if it’s the only place I’d fit in. Fire Eaters? That might be interesting but the show only starts in an hour. 

Acrobats and stilt walkers? It would at least pass the time but that’s over an hour away. After the Fire Eaters.

Let’s see what’s left.

Knife Throwing? Sounds cool and definitely not something I’ve never tried in the garage. Mom eventually forgave me for ruining her good dinner knives.  I said I dropped them…a lot. That part was true. I’m pretty sure she saw through me.

Twenty-five minutes, that’s more than doable. I can wander in that general direction and play a game if something piques my interest. Worst case I’ll just wait for it to start.

It’s hard to avoid the crowds here, understandable, but still irritating. I just want some space to see the games without all these people. Is that too much to ask for?

“Hey, kid. Want to try your luck?” Someone says, and I stop and turn in their direction. 

It’s the attraction operator that spoke to me, a middle-aged guy white guy - “Test your Strength” is the first thing I see. Of course, he picked me out of the crowd. Tall enough to be easily spotted and skinny enough it might be worth a laugh.

No, absolutely not. I’m not going to humiliate myself and that’s all that would happen. There’s already too many people looking in my direction as is.

“Sorry no.”

Nothing’s even happened but I feel my heart racing. I hate feeling like this. Overwhelmed by nothing.

I need to get away, just have a couple minutes to myself. Recenter myself. Being put on the spot like that was enough to make me regret coming tonight.

Is there anywhere nearby that might have fewer people? Glancing around I see a Hall of Mirrors. I don’t remember seeing that listed with the other attractions and honestly, it sounds like a terrible idea. 

I generally avoid mirrors, they never show anything I want to see. Right now though, the Hall of Mirrors is my best chance for a little space. The one thing it does have going for it is a lack of people, there’s no one even near it. Besides, it’s not like they’ll show the real me.

The entrance is weird, a revolving mirrored door. The sign beside it spells out the obvious. 

 

Hall of Mirrors

The only way out of the maze is through.

 

This is probably a terrible idea but no one has gone in the entire time I’ve been watching and I do need a few minutes alone. The knife throwers don’t start for a while yet. I have time and the press of the crowd affected me more than I thought it would.

Maybe I have been spending too much time in the house.

Whatever.

 I’ll go through catch my breath and go see the knife throwers. Worst case I’ll go get a burger somewhere before heading home. I don’t want to even seem like I’m breaking my promise to Mom, and coming back after an hour, well that feels like it is. Like I didn’t try.

Walking through the door I glance back and flinch. The door is mirrored on this side. I didn’t notice before I walked through. The shapes are distorted though, thankfully.

I can do this, just walk through go see the fire eaters and either I’ll feel like staying or I’ll grab that burger and head home afterward. Easy…I hope.

There are branching paths away from the entrance, which is unexpected. I was expecting a direct path. It said Hall of Mirrors, but the sign also mentioned a maze. I hope it isn’t too complicated. My sense of direction has never been great.

Let’s see, left, right or through the middle?

Normally you keep right to get through a maze. At least I think that’s the case but this is a little different. 

Not to mention I’m probably just overthinking this entire thing. It’s a carnival attraction. All the paths probably lead to the end with a tiny bit of branching at the beginning. 

The illusion of choice or something. Whatever, I’ll just go straight and take it nice and slow. It’s not like I’m in any hurry.

Everything is about what I expected. A couple of mirrors to make me look shorter, others stretched but none really me. The mirror that made me mostly legs made me laugh at least. That alone was worth coming tonight.

It’s only when the images change from me to other people I stop and look around more. I’ve never heard of something like this before. Are some of the mirror's screens? Or they’re oneway and I’m seeing other people walking through the maze. Either way, it’s interesting.

The reflections, images whatever they are look happy. Different people living different lives but all happy. That’s a lot more than I can say.

Maybe I’ll just stand here for a bit a watch. It’s harmless. Passively watching people be happy. Assuming they’re people and not just images generated from somewhere anyway.

Why can’t I be like that?

And now I’m sad, great job dummy. Everything was going fine until you had to go and get introspective.

Yeah, that’s enough of this, I’m just going to go. Skip the fire eaters, get a burger and sit there for a couple of hours until I can go home without uncomfortable questions. If mom asks, worst case I’ll tell her the truth. That it was lonely and I didn’t enjoy myself.

Coming tonight was worth a shot at least. It’s not mom’s fault I’m broken.

The exit shouldn’t be that far away. I’ll just keep going straight until I reach the end. Naturally the hallway branches again and only goes left or right. Why can’t this be simple? I just want to leave.

I’m trembling a little, I know it’s an adrenaline reaction but that just makes it more annoying. Getting upset over something so simple. I’ll go right.

The path branches again so I go left, and then another left after that until a right turn presents itself. I’m finally going straight again. Unfortunately, it’s a dead end and it’s weird.

There’s a single mirror, the rest of the short hallway is just blank walls. Maybe this is the center of the maze?

Despite myself, I step forward, toward the mirror and I see myself. No fancy tricks, no screens or images of other people. Just me and I sigh. Of all the things for the mirror to show me, it’s the one thing I don’t want to see.

Too skinny, shoulders too broad. I’m all sharp angles. Nothing redeemable at all.

Why can’t things be different?

My eyes are nice though. I’ve always thought that and right now they’re two pinpricks of light in the mirror. Maybe there’s some backlighting? I step forward again. Trying to see the trick and the eyes brighten.

The image in the mirror wavers and my heart starts drumming in my chest. Thump. Thump. Thump. Until it resolves into someone else.

She’s pretty. That is my first thought. This is a neat trick. The mirror is a screen of some kind, like the ones from earlier. But why is it showing me this?

Tall, and has a bright smile. She looks happy. Like that girl from the grocery store. Comfortable in her skin. I wish I could feel like that.

I take another step forward and the mirror wavers again.

It’s showing the same girl. Going through her life. Running errands. On the bus. At school - at University I think? There are other people there but their images are unclear. Only the girl is in focus. Just snippets of her day, and they all seem pretty great. At least from where I’m standing. 

That would be nice, happy days.

I feel like I’m intruding but despite myself, I can’t look away.

The scene changes again until it resolves into a familiar kitchen. How is it showing my house?

Mom’s sitting at the table with two cups of tea. The girl from before walks in and sits down. Why is she with my mom? Is this mirror showing the future?

“Hi hon, how was your day?”

That’s how mom talks to me. What’s going on?

“Amazing honestly. Glad to be home and with you though. I always look forward to our chats. I’m glad we started them up again. The advice is great but just spending time with you is the best part.”

When the conversation starts I’m an observer but before I know it I’m the girl and everything just feels right. Mom and I continued talking for a while. Dad pops in all smiles and gives us both hugs. We have dinner and it’s magical. I don’t remember the last time I felt like that. Christmas morning as a kid maybe?

When the conversation ends the girl is still in the mirror but I’m back as myself. As the me right now.

Am I a girl?

Could that be my life? 

Is that who I’m supposed to be?

That’s stupid. I would have figured it out if that was the case. Right?

Whatever this mirror is, it’s like every other one here. An illusion. I can’t be a girl.

She looked happy though. So did Mom. Less stressed too. Is that because of me? Does she worry?

It would be nice to be happy.  I wish I was.

Could I be her? No. Is she me though? 

Maybe?

I don’t know.

Why does life have to be so hard? I just want to be happy!

I wish things could be easier. 

A sudden touch on my arm jolts me out of my thoughts before they crouch down beside me with a look of concern. Oh, I’m on the floor. Weird. 

I don’t know who she is but then I don’t know who I am either.

I think I’m a girl?

“Are you alright?” She asks.

Am I? I don’t know

Everything feels different now, wrong in a way I didn’t recognize before. My body hasn’t changed and the image of the real me has faded from the mirror. No shortcuts, that’s a shame but I’ll have to put the effort in myself. Earn it.

I hiccup and take a few deep breaths. Calm down, think and breathe. It’s ok. I’ll figure it out.

“I think so, sorry. I’m probably coming off as one of the exhibits. The crazy girl in the mirror room.”

Girl, right that’s me. Even if I don’t particularly look like one.

The girl just smiles at me and doesn’t dispute my claim. That’s good, one less thing to figure out. 

What am I going to tell my parents?

“Hall of mirrors actually…sorry. Bad habit. I’m Janna.  What’s your name?”

A name comes to me in a flash, welling up from deep within. “Annalise.”

The smile somehow grows brighter. “It’s nice to meet you, Annalise.” The girl, no Janna reaches into her purse and hands me a tissue, no it’s wet. Wetwipe then. “Here, wipe your face.”

Right, I was crying. Time to make myself look like slightly less of a disaster.  Surprisingly, I feel slightly better after tidying myself up. Who knew? 

It’s probably best I try and avoid looking at the mirrors for now. I don’t need another revelation or breakdown.

“Janna, where did you go?!”

“Just down here Tess, just helping someone.”

“Helping?! We’ll be right there.”

Two more girls come into view, one likely Tess and they both glance between me and Janna.

“Tess, Margo. This is Annalise. Annalise, these are my friends Tess and Margo.”

Thankfully Janna points as she says their names, one less thing to worry about. At least now I know who is who.

Tess nods in understanding, Margo takes a second longer but nods before she asks.

“So what happened here?”

“I caught sight of myself in the mirror.” I laugh, a little bitterly. “Hall of Mirrors I know, but for a second I truly saw myself and well, here we are. Hit the right angle I guess.”

“The first time?” Tess asks.

“More a realization. I didn’t know before a couple of minutes ago, I kind of broke.”

I’m not sure what my next steps will be, not really. Go home and hope my parents take it OK? That makes sense right?

I don’t need their permission, I’m an adult but I would love to have their support. I think I will, and worst case I’ll figure something out. This is the only way forward.

“Ouch, that’s a rough way to find out. Are you here with anyone?” Tess says.

“No, alone like normal.”

Maybe I should change that? Make a new start, I’m going to be a new me after all.

“Oh! Well, we can’t have that, you should hang out with us tonight.” Janna says.

“I don’t want to be a bother.”

They look surprised but Margo recovers fastest. 

“Girl, please. We could use someone to balance out the group.”

Girl, that feels nice. Right.

“For sure, you totally should. You just had a shock, we should get some sugar in you.” Janna says.

The three girls look at each other and nod before they say “Cotton Candy?”

That’s a little on the nose, but sure, why not? I could use the sugar anyway. They’re right about that and we are at a carnival.

“Sure sounds nice.”

“Great! Let me help you up and we can get out of here.” Janna says.

“Thanks, Janna.”

Right, standing. I can do that. Legs don’t fail me now, any minute now. Janna takes pity on me and reaches her hands down and once I take them. Pulls me to my feet, unfortunately, I underestimated how strong she is and I stumble into her, squeak and then move quickly away blushing.

Janna’s blushing a little herself. Tess and Margo just laugh at us. This feels nice.

“Sorry about that, You’re lighter than I expected.”

“I didn’t mind.” Shit, that was stupid of me. They’re not going to want to hang out with me now. Why would anyone?

Margo breaks first, just falling into a fit of giggles, with Tess a second behind her. I glance over at Janna who’s blushing probably as brightly as I am before we both join the other girls in their giggles. Giggling, that’s new. I hope it’s the first of many.

“Let’s go get you something sugary Annalise, you two can flirt later.”

That wasn’t flirting…was it? No, Janna’s gorgeous and I’m anything but. I’m barely a person, just light and shadows really. What could she see in me?

There will be time for recriminations later. Onward to candy!

The girls must have a better sense of direction than I do because we quickly reach the exit but not before I catch a momentary glimpse of myself before I look away. I look upset but that’s not a surprise. I still hate my appearance, but at least now I know why. That can change with time and effort.

Things are looking up. 

October 22nd, 2022 - Saturday.

 

“Going out today honey?”

“Hi, Mom! And yup, with Janna and the gang. We’re going to the carnival where we met.”

It’s so easy to talk to her and dad these days. So natural to be in the moment and enjoy it. It’s even easier to wrap my arms around her in a tight hug. One she quickly returns.

A lot of things have changed in the past year, but they’ve almost all been for the better. 

Sure not everything has been roses - but compared to before? Night and day isn’t a strong enough description.

I know that my parents love me, not only their idea of me. Coming out to them as both trans and a lesbian was hard, but my new friends helped me stumble through it and my parents fully supported me. 

Well eventually. 

There was a learning curve on both sides and things took time but they loved me and got there in the end. That’s worth more than I ever expected it might.

Janna, Margo and Tess have shared a lot of my firsts, and there’s so many more to come. In some ways, my transition has barely started.

Thankfully there’s an informed consent clinic in town and I was able to get in fairly quickly but everything else? There are so many things to learn. 

Even with help, it’s a journey, not a destination. 

My friends at least helped point the way. Fashion, accessories and makeup. I don’t have  to learn those things, they are not be necessary to be a woman, but they’re still good skills to have.

More importantly, they’re helping me decide just who I want to be, and how I want to express myself. It’s strange, wanting a future after so long of just drifting, but I’m enjoying every minute of it.

“When are you bringing Janna over for dinner again?”

Let’s see. I have a lab on Tuesday and she’s busy on Wednesday with an evening class. We don’t share any classes, Janna started university last year. I only enrolled for this year and we’re in different programs besides.

“Thursday I think? I’ll let you know in the morning.”

I could stay here, wrapped in this hug for a long time, but I still need to finish getting ready. It takes longer these days and only seems to be taking longer every day.

 It’s worth it though. To see someone I like in photos. I still mostly avoid mirrors but even with the odd fleeting glance, well,I’m starting to like what I see.

“Have fun sweetie, you’re father can pick you up if you or your friends need a ride.”

Dad’s work has mostly shifted back to being in the office full-time. It’s a shame but a lot of companies seem to be leaning that way. I liked having him here, at least once we started reconnecting.

I don’t mind bussing down to the Carnival but a ride back would be nice. I like being out after dark even less now than I did before. I wonder if it’s connected to being trans?

“Thanks, Mom, I’ll let you know about dinner. I need to finish getting ready.”

Out of all the changes, I think I like my bedroom most of all. Before it was just a place I slept. I never bothered to decorate it. The walls were bare, the room was hollow. It was a reflection of how empty my life felt.

Now it couldn’t be more different.

Pictures litter the wall, some of me with my friends. Others are potential travel destinations or at least pretty scenery. I’ve even added a few plants, ones that haven’t died because the curtains are actually open most of the time now.

It feels lived in now, instead of feeling like a guest room. There are still a few places I could add things. Janna and I are still brainstorming what to add though. There are so many possibilities!

Speaking of possibilities, what do I wear tonight?

It’s an anniversary but it isn’t a fancy dinner and despite all the changes I’ve undergone the past year I’m still not a fan of being the center of attention. 

I’m not used to flashy eye-catching clothes but I still own a couple pieces. Margo insisted and honestly, they do look good on me.

I want to be comfortable tonight, I think that’s probably the most important thing. Despite all my fond memories of the carnival, I remember just how uncomfortable the benches were.

Something cozy and warm. I get colder easier these days, it’s annoying at times, but it’s a small price to pay.

Outfit chosen it’s time to go. Onward to adventure!

The girls are waiting for me when I step off the bus, hugs are exchanged. Individually and then as a group. I’ve never had relationships like these before.

“Hey, girls!”

“Lise Hey!” Margo’s the first one to speak. Tess chimes in a second later. “I thought you weren’t going to make it.” 

As if I’d miss this. 

Janna grabs my hand and my complete attention when she stands on her tiptoes and brushes her lips across my cheek.

“Heya.”

She’s prettier than the day we met. Some of that is her personality. She just has this aura of kindness. Light welling up from within.

A flash pulls me away and I see Margo putting her phone away. She’s always doing that, taking photos of me unaware. I can’t complain too much. I look much better in those photos. Happy. It’s such a strange thing. Being happy after so long.

There used to be a pressure maybe? Something whenever I was out in public. It’s all gone now. it has been since I started presenting as me. 

Tess said it was because I wasn’t cramming myself into an ill-fitting shape anymore and I think that has merit. It’s both strange and wonderful, that something that was with me for so long is gone. That it was never really a part of me. If anyone would know it would be her.

Janna’s watching me quietly and I brush a lock of hair behind my ear, it’s getting longer. I’m really starting to like how it looks.

“Mom asked about you, and wanted to know when you were coming over next.”

“Oooh meeting the parents. You two are moving fast.” Margo says and I duck my head in embarrassment.

Tess unfortunately doesn’t leave it at that. “Nah they’re almost glacial. Almost one year since we all met and they haven’t even moved in. Tisk tisk you two.”

I love my friends and love having friends, but right now I could strangle them. They’ve all met my parents, they helped me come out to them. They’re just being a pain, yet I still feel my cheeks heating up.

“Ignore those two. Umm, Thursday I think? Yeah, Thursday.”

Oh good. I remembered right earlier.

Two people clear their throats, very dramatically but Janna and I ignore them for the moment. 

“Perfect, that’s what I thought but I wanted to make sure.”

It’s so easy now, just doing the things that make me happy. Like right now when I reach out and grab Janna’s hand. If I have my way I won’t let go the rest of tonight.

“You two look cute and all but we’re burning daylight,” Tess says suddenly. 

Another camera flash distracts me and I see Margo putting her phone away. That girl is always taking photos. Often with her phone but I’ve seen her room and there’s a lot of photography stuff she pulls out for special occasions. 

She didn’t want to bring one tonight and risk it being damaged on rides, but her phone camera would do. Worst case she’ll get us to recreate the photos later. It wouldn’t be the first time.

It’s her passion, and I honestly don’t mind. I like seeing the photos now. There’s a ton of them littering my bedroom now, mostly of the four of us and Margo took most of them.

“So girls what are we doing first?”

They all stop and look at each other, but no one says anything. Janna squeezes my hand a couple of times as a comforting gesture.

Just what’s going on?

Janna finally breaks the silence. “We wanted to start where we met. The hall of mirrors. But that was a rough time for you, and we don’t want to push you.”

The place I broke. Broke down, broke through, Where I first realized myself and truly became Annalise for the first time.

Can I face that?

I saw the future back then. The person I am today. Happier in ways I never could have seen. Everything started back in the hall of mirrors.

“I can do it. You’ll all be there with me and it’s good. To go back to where it all started.”

And we’re back in a group hug. You never really know what you’re missing until you suddenly have something for the first time.  Moments like these are priceless.

“Let’s get started then, mirror maze, cotton candy and games. Just like last time.” Tess says.

Like last time. Hopefully without the tears though.

“Sounds great.”

The familiar revolving doors whirl around me as I step through with Janna and I squeeze her hand tightly. 

I can do this. It’s easy. My friends are with me.

We don’t have a route planned. I wandered the first time, even while trying to reason my way through. Now I  just follow the girl's lead. Walking down the hallway while holding hands with Janna and Tess.

I was carefully avoiding fully looking too deeply into the mirrors that surround me, but it looks like they changed the layout since I was here last, and as we come to a familiar dead end a face I haven't seen in a while pops up in the mirror,  and I mouth "sorry" at them. I really am sorry but a deal's a deal, and they asked for this!

For a year and a day, this is my life. They'll get it back so very soon, with all the memories and skills they need to properly live the life that I'm still crafting for them. And all the joy I helped them find.

It feels honestly weird knowing the end is so close. This life is still in motion. It’s early days and there’s so much further to go! It feels like I’m leaving my work incomplete but that was the deal. Annalise will have to handle the rest.

She has good friends, and an amazing girlfriend. A fantastic relationship with her parents, and a bright future ahead. She’ll make it though. I believe in her. 

Plus I’ve set her up for success!

The bleed over is always worse in the first and final moments of the connection, but after their imprisonment will feel like waking up from a strange dream. 

Careless words whispered in front of a mirror.

People really should be careful what they wish for in the future, even within their own minds. Mirrors can be portals to all kinds of places and sometimes, someone is listening. Sometimes it's me.

"Annalise! Come on! I want to see if you can win me a bear!"

Giving one last lingering look at the figure pounding on the surface of the mirror, I give them a warm smile and blow them a kiss. 

I really like this life, but maybe I'll like the next one even better.

"Coming Janna! Just got caught up in memories, you know?"

While, yes, there is some bleed over between us, the figure in the mirror mostly dreams. But occasionally, when I'm near a reflective surface they wake for a moment like now and so do I.

Right now, I'm Annalise. The name that lived solely in their heart, and is now out in the world. A true self, just not mine. My name is a little different and not something to be whispered, even silently.

Dream sweet dreamer, of this life I will return to you at the end of our bargain in only two days. I'll try to avoid lingering on reflective surfaces for a while longer to help the time pass more swiftly. 

There are always wishers to help, if you know how to listen, and glancing around I see someone who just might fit the bill.

I take a moment to memorize their voice. I’ll have to keep an ear out in the coming days.

Taking one last glance around for any other potential candidates a face familiar to both Annalise and myself draws my attention with a wave. A short redhead with a name that also shouldn’t be spoken aloud or otherwise and standing much too close.

Tonight she’s wearing a ringmaster’s hat because of course, she is. Still, it suits her better than what she was wearing in the grocery store last year. I’m still not totally why she concentrated the posters in such a small area of town. She always has a reason though, for everything she does.

“Don’t forget to enter the raffle, Annalise. You never know what might come of it.”

Oh right, the Halloween raffle.  I wasn't planning on entering but I'm not going to ignore a direct suggestion to do so. Not from her anyway.

"I'll make sure I do. Thanks again, for everything."

The Ringmaster smiles and moves off to another part of the carnival, and despite our similarities, I’m glad for the distance. There will be time to ponder the rest later.

For now, I have a bear to win for my girlfriend.