Raiden Redthorn thumped his glass onto the counter loudly, before calling for the bartender to get him another.

“This is your 5th cup in the past hour,” he protested.

Raiden shook his head, “Just keep them coming Phil.”

Phil gave him a dubious look, weighing his options for a few very long seconds. His eyes flicked between Raiden and the stack of money in his hands, looking more conflicted by the second. Then he sighed and shook his head.

“Fine. But if you start to puke, I’m gonna cut you off,” he warned.

Raiden hummed, not really giving a damn. “Thanks Phil.”

He didn’t want to be sober right now. There was too much shit going on in his life for him to deal with it sober. Better to simply ignore with a glass of the strongest scotch or whatever else they had on hand.

Zeke had come home. Now, Raiden was happy to have his little brother back home and not slaving away at some rock site in Dune, but that didn’t mean he didn’t bring his own complications with him. No matter how happy he was for him, it had the unfortunate side effect of reminding Raiden of his own failings.

He’d gotten a message from his father telling him to get his ass back home to welcome Ezekiel home after a successful archaeological dig in Dune. Apparently he’d found a very important fossil in the remains of the emperor’s castle. A piece of their national animal.

Seeing as the last time Dune had an emperor was well over 500 years ago, Raiden could definitely see how it was significant find in the field. Zeke had been over the moon about it and hadn’t shut up about what this meant for their team for days. And Raiden was very much proud of him.

It seemed his career was really taking off. He’d been busy writing his thesis on it and a report on its status in between the bragging. A smile flickered over his lips at the reminder. It was endearing how excited he got when he talked about it.

The problem however was that it made him realise that he didn’t have anything which made him feel that way. There was nothing in his life that had made him feel anywhere near as accomplished. Nothing that made him light up with joy at a job well done or excitedly jump up to get to work.

He didn’t have anything that truly made him feel alive. Not one thing he felt he’d accomplished in his twenty-six years of life. Not even the group he’d organised for that very purpose.

What had he done to make this place a better place? Nothing. He took another swig of his drink and coughed at the excess burn he felt creep down his throat. A little slower then. A part of him welcomed the discomfort.

All he’d managed to do was set a way for them to complain about everything and make empty promises. As much as he’d like to blame it all on the people he’d started it with on an drunken academy night, he knew he was just as much at fault. He couldn’t think of a feasible plan either.

His friends had joined because they thought he’d be able to do what he promised. They had believed in him and every day he seemed to be letting them down. Raiden felt like he couldn’t do anything right. Like the fraud he sometimes got accused of being.

James had a blooming career as well, he was set to be the next head of the Redthorns with the business acumen to suit. He was also happily married to a wonderful woman and would soon be a father. He had his life put together and a purpose to drive him.

Both of his brothers had made a place for themselves in the world with their own skills. They had a purpose and a drive with a plan for their future. Raiden couldn’t say that he wasn’t happy for them. But it also never failed to make him feel lacking.

Still, it had been fine when it was just James. It had seemed only natural that his elder brother would have a set course in his life. At thirty, it would be a shame if he didn’t have a better grasp on his future. And mother was over the moon about finally getting a grandchild after she’d been pestering them over it for years.

Raidenwould be annoyed, but he was looking forward to the child too. If anyone had asked him a few years ago, he’d have said he didn’t want anything to do with kids. His friends had heard him say multiple times that he couldn’t stand the little monsters and had been teasing him about it ever since the pregnancy reveal, asking whether he dreaded it.

It had surprised no one more than it did himself that he wasn’t dreading it at all. In fact all he had been feeling in the moment and the months after was a sense of excitement at this new addition. He hadn’t known how much he’d been looking forward to being a uncle until then.

He didn’t know how or when his feelings towards children had changed. Where had it gone from him calling them little monsters in slight disdain to him calling them so affectionately. Somehow he’d grown fond of the idea of them despite the chaos they’d undoubtedly bring.

Shaking his head, he took another sip of his drink. It was strange how easy it was for things and feelings to change. Who would have thought he would be having these thoughts when most of his life he’d sworn he wanted nothing to do with children?

He swirled his cup, staring mindlessly into it for a moment. A deep sigh left him the next moment and he brought it up for another sip. It also made him realise how pointless his life had become when his little brother had found the same sense of purpose at twenty two.

Zeke had his career and James had his family. Their parents could not be prouder. He was happy for them. Really. Honestly and sincerely.

But he had to admit he was also very jealous. It was enough that he was a middle child in a family of successful people, a second son no less, he hadn’t wanted to be the only one without a purpose as well. A part of him felt he was a failure no matter how much his family tried to make him feel otherwise.

“I don’t have a purpose at all,” he lamented. ” I’ve lived for nothing!”

“Is that so?” His drinking buddy said with a tint of amusement.

Raiden didn’t think anything about this was amusing. “My entire family has got their life put together? Why the fuck is mine such a mess?”

All that got him was another amused hum, but Raiden simply ignored him in favour of finishing off his drink. This conversation was depressing enough as it was, he didn’t need to embarrass himself as well. He immediately called Phil for another one.

A part of him knew this wasn’t an ideal solution to his problems. Gods knew his mother would give him an earful about it if she were ever to find out. Which she was unlikely to if no one tattled. With his only companions being Phil and the strange man, the possibility was low.

His hand stopped in its tracks when a thought came along with the implications of the situation. Where the fuck was Will? He’d agreed to come to the bar after he’d finished mingling with the crowd. Raiden’s eyebrows furrowed, he should have been here a while ago.

In his inebriated state, his mind couldn’t focus on that long enough to figure out why it was bothering him so much. When five minutes of staring into his cup went by without a possible answer occurring, he figured it wasn’t important. Meh. He’d think about it in the morning if it was important enough.

The burn of the drink was even more welcome with the thoughts storming around his mind. A building despair encasing his heart in its claws as he sat drowning it in alcohol. It really was a problem. One he didn’t want to face.

Gods he was such a mess. Where did that promising graduate go? Where the hell had he gone so wrong that his only solution was to drown his sorrows with alcohol? Past Raiden would be ashamed of who he had become. The thought only made him take another swig.

He laid his head down on the counter after finishing it off, thumping his hand down beside himself for another. He could almost feel the disapproval radiating off of Phil as he replaced the empty glass with a full one. Whatever. No matter how much he knew it would be best to stop, a large part of him didn’t care.

RaidenRedthornwanted to be drunk off his ass. Enough so that his mind would just stop bothering him. He didn’t care whether or not it made him physically sick. A masochistic part of him would prefer it if he were.

What did he even have to live for?

Almost immediately he felt guilty for thinking so. He had his family. One who cared about him and the one on its way. They’d be heartbroken if they knew he had thought it. James would undoubtedly beat him up for thinking his life had no meaning.

He should be with them right now.

He should be back at their family home celebrating his brother’s achievements and not wasting his time at a bar in a meaningless ball. Raiden was nowhere near drunk enough, but he still felt as if he was going to be sick. When had he gotten so selfish? So self-absorbed that he couldn’t even be happy for his brothers without feeling sorry for himself.

When had he lost sight of what he had considered important for so long? He’d been so happy fighting with both of his brothers growing up, but he’d never felt less happy when they’d accomplished something great. He’d been proud. As they had been for him.

What. A. Mess. Well and truly, he felt pathetic.

Sighing, he lifted his head up to take another sip of his drink. He’d already paid for it. He’d stop after this one. He’d go and find those wayward friends of his and go home. With the reminder, a bar no longer held any interest to him. Maybe. Hopefully.

Raidenknew himself well enough to know that it was just as likely for him to cave and sit here longer any way. He’d never been very good at dealing with his emotions in a healthy way. He’d been called self-destructive before.

Although most of those times had been when he was younger and dumber. He liked to think he’d outgrown the behaviour. Surely he had more self control than to fall back into those habits. Surely he wasn’t that weak.

He steeled his resolve. This was going to be his last drink. He was going to go home. Then in the morning he was going to go to their family home and apologise to Zeke. He was going to tell his brother he was proud of him and mean it with every bone in his body.

He was going to be less…Like this.

Finishing the drink, he put the glass back on the counter. Then he stared at it. His tongue went to lick at his lips. He had to battle the urge to call Phil over for another. He succeeded in not asking for another drink, but he couldn’t make himself move from his spot. His legs wouldn’t move.

Stuck to his seat without the motivation to move, Raiden burrowed his head in his arms with a groan to the continued amusement of his companion. His mouth felt dry and he longed to ask for another drink. But he’d decided against it and he was going to keep his resolve. He wasn’t going to ruin it by giving into a moment of weakness.

A part of him wanted to say hell to dignity and cry. But he hadn’t done that since he was a young child and he wasn’t about to now. He was a grown man, he couldn’t be seen doing any such thing. It would be absolutely mortifying.

He’d never be able to live down such a thing. Absolutely not. All that was left was to bury his head in his arms and pretend he didn’t want to run away from all of his problems. So that’s what he did.

Fortunately, the idea did quench his urge to ask for another drink. Unfortunately, it also made his mind go back to his continuing lack of purpose. A hopeless despair once again trying to take him captive. To suffocate him in its slowly strengthening grip.

Raiden wished someone would just tell him what he was meant to do. He wanted someone to come and save him from this sense of inadequacy. Someone to help him find some meaning in his life. He didn’t care who.

A small laugh left him to his companion’s confusion. He’d even settle for a fortune teller at this point and everyone who knew him knew he didn’t trust those. Maybe he should just let his father decide it for him. Yet, the moment that thought entered his mind, it recoiled.

No. He’d already spent his life having it decided for him, he wouldn’t have this be decided for him too. No one would ever take him seriously if he got this with his parent’s help. Even the thought made him shudder.

Yet a part of him still wished for help. Would it be so bad to have someone who could point him in the right direction? A tired sigh left him right after. He didn’t think it would. But who would do that for him?

He wallowed in his feelings with his head buried in his arms for what felt like an eternity when a voice interrupted it.

“What are you doing over here?”

His head shot up immediately. Eyes widening as he took in the sight before him. Mouth agape at what he was seeing. He almost wanted to rub his eyes to see if he was dreaming, barely controlling the impulse before he embarrassed himself further.

A ridiculous part of him felt like he’s just received an answer to all of his prayers. It was embarrassing to think like that and he felt absolutely ridiculous. But the moment he had heard that voice the storm in his head had come to a pause.

He felt like he was saved. There, standing with his hair slightly ruffled and a concerned look on his face was man he’d been wanting to see. One he, for whatever reason, felt comfortable with despite only having met him twice.

Kiran Knightwood was watching him with narrowed eyes and Raiden’s mind went blank.