“Do you really mean it?” asked Will, who stared into my eyes. Somehow this felt just as intimate as the kiss just seconds before, and my heart, which hadn’t even calmed down, was beating heavily in my chest.
I love you. Had I really just said that? It happened so naturally that I hadn’t even given it much thought. And it seemed Will had noticed it. Was that the reason he stiffened for a short moment? But how should I answer him now? Can I really repeat those words without lying to him? We were together for like a week, and I think it is too soon to speak of love, but it felt so right. Should I just say it and hope that I really love him? But what if he tells his parents about it? It would be totally awkward if I won’t go with him later… but that is unlikely… right? And I don’t want to lie to him. Not about that.
“I… I’m not sure. I mean, I think I do, but I don’t really know.” I felt ashamed when I said it. He was probably sad and disappointed. Maybe even angry. But I couldn’t bring myself to lie about it.
I didn’t dare to look him in the eyes. I didn’t want to see him hurt.
After what felt like an eternity where he didn’t say anything, I looked back at him. His eyes stared at me unwaveringly, and somehow it calmed me down. He didn’t look at me like he blamed me; he also didn’t look particularly surprised or even disappointed. I didn’t know if that was a good thing, but it was better than seeing him hurt.
“Thank you for being honest with me.” As he said it, he let his body slowly glide beside me, but we never lost eye contact. “Don’t worry about it. It honestly surprised me when you said it, and it made me happy that you said it even if you didn’t mean it.”
“I didn’t say I didn’t mean it; I just…” How could I explain it to him?
“Charly, it’s okay. I know you… no, we need more time. That you even consider it is enough for me for now. And when you are really sure about it, I would be happy to hear it from you again.” How could he be so understanding? Did I ruin our second date too?
“Is that really okay with you?” He smiled at me, but his smile didn’t quite reach his eyes. Did that mean it was not okay with him? Or did he just want to be nice?
“It is, Charly. It really is. Come here, and let me cuddle you. You worry too much again.” As he said it, he pulled me into his arms. My head rested on his shoulders as he was gently petting my back.
“How are you so confident about it?” It was a question that lingered in my mind since our first date. His story about me fighting off his bullies and helping others didn’t really convince me. At least not on a level where I could understand why he loved me.
“Who said I am?”
What? Wait a moment. Didn’t he tell me just seconds ago that he loved me? And didn’t he ask me for a date for three damn years?
“But you… I don’t understand, you always asked me… How could you not be confident?”
“I was confident that I wanted to go out with you at least once. I wanted to get to know the mysterious person that everyone seemed to hate for no reason despite being nice, funny, and beautiful, but I wasn’t confident that I loved you. At least not at that time. But now that I have spent time with you, I realize that you are much much more charming than I knew beforehand.” I stared at him. Was a week really enough to say that he loved me? I was sure he was just exaggerating to make me feel better.
“You look like you don’t understand. I think you don’t realize just how wonderful you are. I mean, our first date, despite everything, was thrilling, it felt like an adventure. And even when I was ill, you showed me a caring side of you I didn’t know you even had, while also making the time I needed to spend in bed one of the most memorable in my life. I mean, when you attacked Lorain…”
“I didn’t attack her!” I mean, I scared the shit out of her, but I apologized, and we were kind of friends now, so he couldn’t hold that against me.
“Right, you just threatened her because you got jealous. And while I didn’t really like how you handled it, you were willing to admit that you made a mistake. You apologized even though I could see how it hurt your pride. Everything because you liked me, and I have to admit that after everything was sorted, I was happy that you got jealous because of me. That doesn’t mean that you should be, but at that moment, I realized that you were really serious about us. So serious that you even told your mother about us.”
“Yeah, while we are at it…” I still needed to invite him to our family dinner.
“Nope, I first want to finish telling you how amazing I think you are!” he interrupted and gave me a kiss on my forehead so that I didn’t need to move my head from his shoulder. I couldn’t help but grin. It was kind of nice to hear what he thought about all this. And as embarrassing as some moments were, it was all kind of… fun.
“So, I realized you were serious about us, and it made me really happy. I had almost given up hope that you would ever say yes to a date, and a few days later you were bringing me milk with whiskey because you wanted to take care of me. And while you showed more than once that you were clueless about almost everything, it felt so good that you tried for my sake. And then after that, every time we talked, it always felt like something interesting could happen at any moment. I even wished that I could have really stayed longer in bed and let you take care of me just because I feared we would spend less time if I had to go to my lessons again.”
He paused a little, as if he was a bit troubled, but I chose to let him think about it without interrupting him. If someone could understand that one needed some time to think about what one wanted to say, it was me.
“And then, when we had our… misunderstanding, I thought I had ruined it. It was as if I fell into a dark pit. I felt as if I had lost something really important to me. Something that I would never get back, no matter how hard I tried. I realized that no matter what I would do, without you, I would always be missing something. I don’t know if it was because after such a long time, it felt like a dream had come true—no, something that I hadn’t even dared to dream of had come true, but at that moment, I knew that I would do everything to not lose you. I wanted you to be part of my life. And then, when we had sorted out our problems, everything with you just felt like an exciting adventure, and seeing that you seemed to feel the same thing for me was just so fulfilling. And when we kissed just now, I just blurted it out because it felt so right.”
I had to admit that it felt nice to hear someone so genuinely happy about spending time with you, even though it felt incredibly kitschy. And somehow I felt as if his worship was kind of undeserved. I mean, I just… well, I did what I did. The good and the bad.
“You know that you sound incredibly corny sometimes, right?” I waited a moment and placed my hand on his chest so I could feel the warmth of his body and his heartbeat. “But I like it. I don’t understand why you like all the stupid things I do, but I like that you like it. And I like listening to it. And I also like spending time with you, like that you seem to accept me for who I am, but I have doubts, Will. Not because of something you did, but… but because of what I am. I mean, where do you see us in five years? In ten, twenty, or even fifty years?”
“Is that what is bothering you? Well, I haven’t really thought so far ahead, but… I mean, you don’t have to decide that right now, but if things are going well, maybe we could live together after finishing school and… I don’t know; my parents want me to take over the family business, but if you don’t want to, my brother Henry could take it over too.” I could feel his rhythmic puls that had remained unchanged. I was sure he didn’t get what I wanted to tell him, at least not entirely.
“Let’s say you take over the family business and we… we marry. What do you think would happen then?” I felt his pulse raising. Without seeing his face, I knew he was finally catching on.
“Are you worried about you not being able to age? I’m sorry. I haven’t really considered it until now. I mean, you told me about it, but it hasn’t really sunk in yet. I’m sorry.” Well, the aging was definitely part of my worries. But that was actually a solvable problem. At least I hoped that my tears would be able to take care of it.
“But is it really so bad that I age and you don’t? Does that change how we feel for each other?” It would be weird if he really aged and I did not. I mean, a few years, no problem. But if he was like 80 and I still looked like I did now, it would be weird. But I couldn’t just tell him that that wouldn’t necessarily be the case.
“Let’s assume I don’t have a problem with it. What do you think our relationship will be when we leave school? What do you want me to do when I live with you?” I felt a bit of fear rising within me. What if having kids was more important to him than being with me? Would I need to convince him with my tears? Would I even want that? It would feel like buying his love while also robbing him of something he probably really wanted.
“Are you worried about household chores? If that is really troubling you, we could hire someone. It wouldn’t be too cheap, but I think we would be able to afford it.” Okay, he didn’t get the problem. It seemed like I needed to be more blunt about it. Please, Will, don’t disappoint me.
“I’m not worried about household chores. But Will, you know my condition. You probably haven’t thought about it too much, but my body is just a little different. I don’t know if we can have… children.”
I waited for a response. From his pulse, I could guess nothing. Time seemed to stretch on, and I thought about looking at him directly to at least read his face. I continued to wait… and wait.
After what felt like an eternity, I decided to look. I wanted to see his face. I know it was an uncomfortable decision to make, and I wanted to give him time to think about it, but the time he needed to answer told me that kids were important to him. He probably imagined us as a happy family with four or five children who played happily in the garden while I cooked and while he relaxed from a hard day of taking care of the farm. But that future was unlikely, no matter how much I wanted it to become real too.
His face looked frozen. Emotionless. I knew he made that face when he seriously thought about something, but when he looked into my eyes, he sighed. He wanted to answer me, but I pressed my finger on his lips to silence him. His sighing had already told me what he would say. At least I thought so. But I realized at that moment that I was being unreasonable to demand an answer now, so I stopped him before he could promise me something he would regret later on.
“I’m sorry, Will. I shouldn’t have confronted you like that. But… But you needed to know. If you don’t want to… If you want to find someone else I…”
“No. No, I want you. I don’t want anyone else.” It was sweet, but I felt my heart arch at the thought of taking the future he dreamed of from him.
“Will, please take some time to think over it. I… I could… I accept your decision, even if it might hurt me. I don’t want to take that from you.”
“Can you tell me something, Charly? It’s something important for my decision. Do you want children? I mean, you said you don’t know if it would… work, but you didn’t say if you wanted children or not.”
I didn’t know how to answer this question. At least not on the spot. I spent a lot of time thinking about it in a bathing session this week, but mother’s warning about the potential risks made me hesitate. I potentially had an eternity in front of me, but getting a kid could potentially kill me. Another thing I hadn’t told him about yet. But I wouldn’t tell him about that. Not yet, at least, and I didn’t even know if I wanted to tell it to him at all. He would probably say he didn’t want any children if I told him about it.
In the end, I had to decide between living safely for potentially ever or whether I wanted to risk my life to have a family of my own. But mother told me she would find a way if I really wanted, and after thinking about it, I could definitely imagine myself as the mother of Will's children. Playing with them, cooking for them, teaching them how to read, how to brew potions, how to prank their grandparents, taking care of them when they are ill, having awkward talks with them like I had with my mom, I could imagine everything of that and liked it. Compared to that becoming a lone potion professor at Toadwitz or something like that and teaching generation after generation of students sounded far less fulfilling.
“I think… If it’s possible… I would like to have children.” It felt so unreal when I said it. Not so long ago, we were discussing whether I loved him or not, and now I said I could imagine having children with him.
“If that is the case, I have decided too. I would be willing to bet on our future together. You know, if you said you didn’t want to, I don’t know if I could have really accepted it. I mean, while it would have been fine for a few years, I would have probably resented you for it, for taking that from me even though we could have tried, but I’m absolutely sure that I could never blame you for that if it’s just because it just doesn’t work. Does that sound somehow reasonable?”
I wasn’t sure. I think I could understand that there was a difference between not trying and not being able to do something despite trying.
“I guess, yes. But I know it is quite a lot to think about, so maybe we should talk about it again at another time. After we had some time to sort our thoughts, okay? I just wanted you to know that, well, I might not be able to… I thought it was better to speak about it earlier rather than later. I really want it to work, but not because I lied or hid something from you.”
He slowly nodded. I didn’t know if that was usually something you talked about during your second date, but it felt as if a burden was taken from my shoulders. If he still wanted me despite all that, I could really imagine going to his family for the next holidays. Which reminded me that he still hadn’t told me about it. And I still needed to invite him to the family dinner. But was that really a good choice when we just had such a talk? Wouldn’t that force him to make a decision now?
