24th May, 2025

"So students, today we will be starting with calculus"

Calculus ne...I wonder why I took math as an optional subject in the arts. Maybe it was the heat of the moment or maybe some other reason. My memory is not keeping me good. I eat almonds every day but still, my memory is not supporting me.

"There are various topics in it, you people must have heard about differentiation, integration and stuff like that. We will get there eventually but to start off our journey through this wonderful field of maths, we need to start with limits. Functions will also be quite widely used but we have already covered them in the previous standard."

Hmm, he sure is passionate about this calculus. These students are also quite involved. They just want to move into the higher section but what's the point of it?

This is the D section of 12th arts class, students here are diligent too but they are not as gifted as those in upper sections. They are trying to compete with those above them, will get disappointed in the end, become depressed and some may even consider suicide as an option. Now that I think about it, this may be the last year I see some of them alive.

But then again what's even the point of me thinking about shit like this.

At least they are doing something, unlike me.

But it's not like I don't want to do something. I also want to do something but not this. I don't know what it is that I want to do but I know for sure that I don't want to follow a crowd of sheep like these students.

Ah! I remembered why I took Maths as an optional subject. I think I wanted to ruin my reputation.

If my reputation is ruined, then theirs will too. So yeah, I just wanted to ruin their reputation.

All they can think about is reputation, about social status and because of it, they have made me like this—

No......I became like this because I didn't want things to go their way. They have already almost ruined Siberite's life and I'm not going to allow them to do the same to me. I have to save her from their clutches.

I'm the daughter of a rich household and they...I mean, my parents are the root problem.

Father is greedy and only has money in mind, he doesn't see me or Siberite as his daughters. We are only assets in his eyes, two assets he can use to climb higher in this world.

Mother is an attention whore, she wants people to praise her, she wants to boast, her image is the only thing that matters to her. If we are assets in father's eyes then to mother we are just two art pieces she can show off to other people.

They have wrapped Siberite around their fingers, Siberite acts like their ideal asset and object. I constantly tell her to stop pushing herself but she doesn't listen.

Siberite is smart, she is kind, she is a genius child but because of that, she's a perfect asset for father to rise further in this world by using her in some engagement. The same goes for mother, she can boast all she wants about her daughter and gain social image.

The same should have been for me but I'm a thorn to their side.

If I ruin my reputation then it would reflect badly on them and constantly doing it everyday......I just don't know when it ended up becoming a part of my personality. The fake acts became a part of me and now I can't go back.

No, it's more like I don't want to go back.

I shouldn't be having these thoughts about the people who gave birth to me, I should be feeling grateful to them, I should be doing everything I can to satisfy their needs but I can't.

Siberite is already doing it so do I have to do the same? why can't I feel these emotions towards them? why do I only feel hatred towards them?

Why do I feel disgusted towards myself for thinking about things like these?

why am I behaving like this? why am I acting angsty? why am I acting like I'm some pitiable human being?

Why? why? why?

I don't know, I don't know, I don't know

"Cambsd..sssaaar—"

what the hell is the teacher saying? I can't hear him properly. His head is twisting backwards. What's happening to everyone around me? Everyone's head is spiralling inwards, the board is spiralling outwards.

"ADJJDJDDNJDNnaciajin!!!" stop, stop, stop. You are looking disgusting right now, the words coming out of your sucked in mouth are distorted. Why are you grumbling, why is everyone around looking at me? what are they saying? I can't understand. They are laughing, they are mocking me, this is what I wanted right? for people to mock me. Good, good, now their reputation will crumble more.

Good, good, this is good. I wanted this, my wish is being granted

huh? my arms are being sucked into nothingness.

ah! there goes my pinky into nothingness.

*Splurt!*

is this blood? what a mesmerizing colour. The pressure with which it is gushing out of my pinky, falling on the desk, on the floor....so beautiful. Is this my reward for defying my parents?

*Boom!* *Boom!**Boom!**Boom!**Boom!**Boom!**Boom!**Boom!**Boom!**Boom!**Boom!**Boom!**Boom!*

Ahhhhh!!!! everyone's head is exploding. Such a weak human body, their brains shattered just like that. Their blood, skin, fat, mass scattered around the whole class....just looks so artistic.

*Thud!**Thud***Boom!**Boom!**Boom!**Thud!**Thud**Thud!**Thud*

Students trying to run away from these sudden explosions. Scattering the chairs, turning the whole classroom into a mess

Now nothing is left, only me...art, is the best way I can describe it as

Such a good reward. It's the best gift of my life. What's next? is it mine? is my head going to explode next? is everything going to finish now? but I want to see more. I haven't even told Siberite about my dilemma. I haven't even told her about those different ways I want to bully her, to kiss her, to eat her, to mess her up.

I can't die, I can't die, I can't die.

'You deserved this'

no, you are wrong Jinny. I'm just doing what I think is right, it's them who deserve this. I'm not doing anything wrong by defying them, they should also suffer, just like they make us suffer

'Deciding everything on your own, not listening to other's opinion, really what a selfish person. You deserve to die'

hahaha, maybe you are right Jinny. You are never wrong, I enjoyed seeing the blasting death of my classmates so it would be wrong of me to don't expect the same. My head should also explode, maybe then I would finally be at peace and not think about complicated stuff.

'Hahaha, now you so easily forgot about confessing to your sister. How weak are your feelings'

No, No, No, I don't have those kinds of feelings for her. I don't want to burden her, I'm just confusing these two types of love

'But didn't you want to kiss her, mess her up? that doesn't sound like sisterly love. That sounds like some sinful Love'

No, I don't want to do it. That wasn't me. I didn't say anything like that. It wasn't me.

It wasn't me. It wasn't me. It wasn't me.

kissing Siberite in this class filled with blood—

No! I didn't think that! I didn't, I didn't

Taking her virginity in front of those pathetic parents.

that sounds goo—No! it doesn't, it doesn't. It's not me, it's not me, it's not me

*Ding**Ding**Ding**Ding*

HUH!??

ahh....the period is over.

Time to go home now

how did the period go by so fast? it's a one hour lecture. How did it end so fast?

I can't remember.

What was I doing?

 

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                                                                                                                                                                  Classroom in Silica's Mind