September 4th. Dr. Jonathan Crane stared at his calendar with a feeling of impending doom. It was his birthday again, and if the last two years were any indication, his colleagues at Arkham Asylum undoubtedly had some absurd and humiliating celebration planned.

Jonathan sat tensely on the edge of his bed, contemplating how to avoid whatever trial awaited him. Calling in sick was an obvious option...but that felt cowardly. And he refused to show weakness, even on his most despised day of the year.

No, he would walk in with his head held high and face their antics with steely, silent dignity. When they dragged him to whatever sick party or misguided gift, he would not crack. Jonathan nodded resolutely and stood to dress for battle.

At Arkham, Jonathan stalked the halls like a man approaching the gallows. When Dr. Leland popped out of her office, he flinched. Here we go again.

“Happy birthday, Dr. Crane!” Leland sang out. Jonathan cringed.

“Let’s skip the charade this year, shall we Joan?” he said tersely. “I appreciate your misguided attempts at celebration, but it’s quite unnecessary.”

Leland waved him off with a knowing smile. “Oh come now, it’s your special day! We want you to feel loved. Now come with me. We planned something special in the staff lounge.”

Jonathan dug his heels in. “I don’t need or want—”

But she had already clutched his arm. “This way! We just know you’ll love this surprise.”

Jonathan followed Dr. Leland down the hall reluctantly, dreading what awaited him behind the lounge door. As they approached, he steadied himself with a deep breath.

Upon entering, Jonathan eyed the decorations warily. A bright "Happy Birthday" banner hung crookedly above balloons bouncing haphazardly around the room. Pushed tables formed a makeshift seating area where his guests waited.

In the corner, a large object was concealed under a white sheet. A poorly stacked pile of gifts and a plain shop-bought cake sat precariously on another table. Whatever lay beneath that sheet, Jonathan felt certain it was nothing good.

As he took it in, the rogues bellowed, "Surprise!" in an off-key chorus.

Jonathan's unease grew studying the so-called guests. Grinning back were The Joker, Harley Quinn, Two Face and Poison Ivy. Their schemes spelled trouble for certain.

“We wanted this year to be really special," Ivy purred, giving him a sly smile.

Jonathan's eye twitched. “Special how”, he thought nervously.

“We know things have been...bumpy...the last couple birthdays,” Dr. Leland continued delicately.

“That’s one way of putting it,” Jonathan muttered.

"But we think you'll love this surprise!" Harley grinned eagerly.

The Joker danced over to the sheet and grasped a corner dramatically. "Ready for the big reveal?" He whipped it away with a flourish. "Ta-daaa!"

Underneath sat an enormous wire pen filled with kittens. Fluffy, wide-eyed balls of fur in every color gamboled and tumbled within. They frolicked and pounced, mewing adorably.

Jonathan froze, staring at the sea of felines in utter disbelief. No. They couldn’t possibly think...

“It’s kitten party time!” Harley cheered, blowing a noisemaker. “Do ya love ’em or what?”

Jonathan turned a pale, shell-shocked face toward the rogues, who were watching him expectantly.

Dr. Leland spoke gently, as if to a child. “We thought you would love having some cuddle time with these little kitties.”

Jonathan opened and closed his mouth wordlessly. There were no words to convey the depths of his dismay.

At his stunned silence, Dr. Leland leaned down and unlatched the pen’s door. “Go ahead dear, go in and play! Make yourself comfortable.”

Before he could react, she firmly steered him into the sea of mewling fur. He stood woodenly as kittens swarmed his legs, needle-sharp claws pricking his socks. This couldn’t be happening.

“Aren’t they just precious?” cooed Harley, watching adoringly as they climbed Jonathan's shoes.

He cleared his throat, finding his voice. “Yes...charming,” he choked out through gritted teeth. “Now, if we could move this along...”

He moved to step out but Two Face blocked his path. “Ah ah ah, stay and snuggle to your heart's content, birthday boy,” he admonished, flipping his coin menacingly.

With that, Two Face pushed Jonathan firmly onto a blanket in the middle of the furry chaos. He cringed as kittens clambered over him. The rogues watched, grinning and cooing.

One brave calico clawed up his blazer and curled on his shoulder, purring loudly. Jonathan grimaced as it batted his glasses playfully.

“Aww, she likes ya!” Harley squealed, snapping photos with her phone. "These are so goin’ on the Arkham newsletter."

Jonathan frowned as she showed him an unflattering close-up of the kitten pawing his glasses.

"Come on, Johnny boy, smile for the camera!" Joker goaded. He scooped up two kittens and held them to Jonathan's cheeks. "Give ‘er her a little snuggle!"

Jonathan tried to remain stoic, but cringed as tiny claws gripped his face. Harley squealed in delight, capturing every moment.

"This is pure gold!" she cackled.

Another kitten discovered his shoelaces, gnawing enthusiastically. Jonathan shook his foot gently, but the creature only gnawed harder.

A fluffy gray kitten launched into his lap, crawling up his chest and peering at him with wide eyes. Jonathan recoiled, crossing his arms protectively. But it clambered onto his shoulder, kneading his jacket insistently.

"Oh look, she's making biscuits!" Dr. Leland cooed. "Isn't that the most adorable thing you've ever seen?"

Jonathan shot her a withering glare. Nothing about this indignity was remotely adorable to him.

Two Face now joined in egging the kittens on. "I think someone wants belly rubs," he said, depositing a fluffy tabby onto Jonathan's lap.

It promptly rolled onto its back, pawing eagerly at the air. Jonathan shot Two Face a panicked look, but received only an encouraging nod in return.

With great trepidation, Jonathan gave the smallest stroke to the tabby's soft underbelly. Immediately it began to vibrate with a deafening purr, tiny claws flexing in bliss.

Soon all the kittens caught on that Jonathan's lap was the place to be, clamoring over each other for belly rubs and pats.

Jonathan's arms flailed helplessly as little paws clung, teeth nipped playfully, and claws dug in for balance. Their tiny grunts and squeaks of contentment filled his ears as fur tickled his nose relentlessly.

Just when he thought it couldn't get any more humiliating, Dr. Leland announced it was time to open presents.

She placed a pile of gaudy gift bags in front of him. Eagerly, the kittens abandoned him to attack the crinkly bags instead. Jonathan grabbed the closest one, pulling out catnip toys.

“To play with your new friends!” Ivy explained. Jonathan's eye twitched at the implication.

The next bag held fish-shaped treats. A feather wand emerged from the third, instantly swarmed by kittens. Then a book: "Bonding With Your Feline: Becoming the Purrfect Cat Daddy."

Reaching the final bag, he pulled out a sweatshirt printed "World's Best Cat Dad." His colleagues howled with laughter at the ridiculous sight.

Jonathan stared stonily down at the growing pile of absurd cat accessories. This was outrageous. He had half a mind to don his Scarecrow mask and send these fools fleeing in terror.

Just then, a fluffy gray kitten launched suddenly into his lap. He attempted to lift it away, but tiny claws clung stubbornly to the fabric of his dress pants.

"No, don't-" Jonathan warned, but it was too late. With a frightful tearing sound, four sets of miniature claws ripped through the expensive material.

The staff burst into howls of laughter at the sight. Jonathan glared daggers, barely containing his rage as the culprit kitten blinked up innocently, paws kneading into his pants.

"I believe that's a sign this game has gone on long enough," he growled.

He abruptly stood, sending the kitten tumbling indignantly from his lap. Stepping gingerly over the kitten, he moved to the gate in the wire pen and unlatched it stiffly.

"Hey, where are ya goin’?" Harley protested. "Ya haven't had cake yet!"

Whirling to face her, his voice rose sharply. "I don’t want your goddamn cake, your foolish gifts and I most certainly don’t want to spend one more second engulfed in the furry embodiment of hell!"

He punctuated this by shaking a kitten from his pant leg, where it had been gleefully shredding the fabric.

The rogues exchanged uneasy glances, smiles fading.

"But...it's your birthday," Dr. Leland offered weakly.

"A fact I'm well aware of and wish to forget entirely," Jonathan snapped.

In one sweep of his arm, Jonathan grabbed the tray of cake and upended it onto the floor. Icing splattered everywhere, eliciting cries of dismay from around the room. The kittens eagerly pounced to lick at the frosting.

Jonathan calmly straightened his tie. “Do clean that mess up won’t you? I’ll leave you all to...reflect.”

With as much dignity as he could muster, Jonathan swept from the room leaving everyone to stare after him, mouths agape in shock.

As Jonathan stalked down the hall adorned in cat hair and ripped pants, plots of revenge already began swirling through his mind. Oh yes, they would regret this day...