Jonathan woke with a feeling of anxiety in the pit of his stomach. He knew what today was - his birthday. And that meant only one thing - another humiliating celebration planned by his so-called "friends" and coworkers at Arkham Asylum.

After throwing back the covers with more force than necessary, he shuffled to the kitchen to put on a pot of strong coffee. As the rich aroma began to fill the room, Jonathan sighed wearily. He needed the caffeine to face whatever indignity surely awaited him today.

Once his mug was filled to the brim with the dark brew, Jonathan sat down at the small table with that morning's copy of the Gotham Gazette. He took a long sip of scalding coffee, relishing the burn as it went down, before unfolding the paper with a flick of his wrist.

His eyes scanned the headlines, finding nothing of interest in the world or local sections. With another slurp of coffee, Jonathan idly turned to the arts and leisure page, hoping perhaps for a distraction from his foreboding thoughts.

That's when he saw it - a huge picture taking up half the page, unmistakably of him. As a baby. Naked. In the bathtub. Holding a rubber duck. Jonathan's coffee came spurting out of his mouth in a messy spray as he choked in shock.

"Happy Birthday Dr. Jonathan Crane!" proclaimed the caption in large bold letters underneath.

Jonathan crumpled up the offensive newspaper furiously, unable to look any longer at the embarrassing bathtub photo from his infancy splashed across the Gotham Gazette's pages. His colleagues at Arkham Asylum had clearly conspired to obtain and distribute the humiliating image.

Arriving at Arkham, Jonathan strode swiftly toward his patient consultation room, jaw clenched tightly. He hoped to avoid interacting with anyone until his appointments. But he couldn't stop several passing orderlies from calling out birthday wishes and making quacking noises while flapping their elbows like duck wings.

"Word travels fast I see," Jonathan bit out bitterly, sweeping inside the room. At least his patients would have the decency not to mention the mortifying picture.

Or so he thought until his 10 am appointment strolled in - the Mad Hatter. "Well well, happy birthday to the little bath time celebrity!" he exclaimed with an impish grin.

"I don't know what you're referring to," Jonathan ground out.

"Oh come now, it's too darling!" the Mad Hatter crowed dramatically. "You know, I've always found baby pictures most endearing. All those silly little faces!" He dissolved into laughter.

Jonathan slowly removed his glasses, folding them neatly on the table. Enough was enough. Reaching inside his jacket, he withdrew his burlap Scarecrow mask.

"Would you like to see my mask?" he asked softly.

Before the Mad Hatter could react, Jonathan swept the mask into place and hit a button on his wrist device. A blast of concentrated fear toxin sprayed directly into his foolish patient's giggling face.

The Mad Hatter's laugh instantly turned into a shriek of terror. Jonathan watched coldly as the man crumbled to ground, swatting wildly at invisible monsters.

After a long moment watching the Hatter whimper and cower on the floor, Jonathan slowly removed his Scarecrow mask, placing it carefully back within his jacket. He retrieved his glasses and settled them evenly on his nose, observing his tormented patient dispassionately.

"I believe our session is over for today," Jonathan remarked flatly. Without waiting for a reply, he gathered up the Mad Hatter's file and swept from the room.

Safely back in his office, Jonathan sat rigidly at his desk reviewing notes. But his anger made focusing on work impossible.

Abruptly his door banged open, causing Jonathan to look up sharply. There stood the Joker, grinning maniacally with Harley Quinn peeking eagerly over his shoulder. Jonathan suppressed an aggravated sigh.

"What do you two lunatics want?" he demanded bluntly.

“We got a super fun day all planned out for ya!” Harley chirped excitedly.

Jonathan’s eyebrows shot up in disbelief. “If you think for one moment I’ll participate in anymore embarrassing nonsense—”

“But we worked so hard on it!” Harley interrupted with an exaggerated pout.

Jonathan crossed his arms. “I don’t care. I refuse to spend my birthday being publicly ridiculed yet again thanks to your foolish schemes.”

Joker tsked. “Now now, Johnny, don’t hurt poor Harls’ feelings by backing out on us! It’s your special day - why not live a little?”

Jonathan glared stonily back. No matter what they said, nothing could convince him to willingly participate in one of their silly parties ever again.

Sensing his stubborn reluctance, Joker stepped forward, eyes glinting. “Of course, if you insist on being a spoilsport, I suppose I could always share a few more embarrassing photos from your childhood...”

Jonathan stiffened, face purpling at the threat. “You wouldn’t dare.”

Joker just grinned wider, waving his phone teasingly. Sneaking a peek over his shoulder, Jonathan glimpsed one horrifying image of himself in a high chair with food all over his face.

“Come celebrate with us and all those embarrassing photos stay private,” the clown negotiated slyly. “But refuse our thoughtful gesture and by tonight they’ll be wallpapering Gotham!”

Trapped by the scheming rogues, Jonathan slumped in temporary defeat. “Alright, what do you want me to do this time?” he bit out.

Harley clapped excitedly. “You’re gonna love it, Dr. Crane! We planned a special scavenger hunt all around Gotham just for you!”

Jonathan arched an incredulous eyebrow. “A scavenger hunt? What on earth are you babbling about?”

“A fun game, Johnny! We made a list of silly tasks you gotta complete by tracking down stuff around the city,” Joker explained happily, handing the doctor a brightly-colored envelope.

Reluctantly, Jonathan slid out a sticker-covered sheet titled “Dr. Crane’s Totally Awesome Birthday Scavenger Hunt!” At the top was a checklist full of tasks such as “Get a stranger to sign your birthday card” and “Take a selfie with a dog.”

Jonathan’s look of disbelief shifted quickly into outrage. “And what makes you think for one moment I have any intention of parading around Gotham making a fool of myself for your amusement?” he spat.

Joker wagged a scolding finger under Jonathan’s nose. “Tsk tsk, wouldn’t want those photos leaked, now would we?”

“Oh, alright…,” he grumbled with a melodramatic sigh.

“Atta boy!” Joker cheered, clapping him on the back. “Oh, and I’ll be tagging along to make sure you fully commit to each task.” His grin turned wicked. “Don’t even think about cutting corners or else!”

And so Jonathan found himself being hustled downtown, forced to wear an absurd sash and crown proclaiming “Birthday Boy.” All the while Joker skipped merrily alongside, constantly checking the list.

“First up - get someone to sign your birthday card!” the clown declared. Before Jonathan could object, Joker had accosted a passerby.

“Excuse me sir! Today’s my pal’s birthday and he’d just love your signature!”

The confused man gave Jonathan an odd look as he was presented with a glittery card and sparkly pen topped with a fluffy pom pom. Glowering, he scrawled his name across the kittens and balloons decorating the Hallmark monstrosity.

“Perfect! You’re a star!” Joker enthused, whisking the card away again, ignoring Jonathan’s flushed cheeks. “Now let’s get that selfie at the dog park!”

Jonathan's scowl deepened as the Joker bounced along beside him, herding him to the nearest dog park. Rambunctious dogs bounded everywhere as laughing families looked on.

Joker suddenly gave him a shove toward a nearby golden retriever. "Go on Johnny, make a new friend!" the clown urged with a wide grin.

Jonathan grimaced down at the panting dog now eagerly sniffing his shoes and slacks. He didn't particularly mind canines, but taking selfies with strangers' pets was utterly demeaning. Still, remembering those childhood photos in Joker's clutches, Jonathan carefully lowered himself to the grass.

The over friendly canine immediately began licking his hands, face, and glasses with sloppy enthusiasm. Fighting back a disgusted cringe, Jonathan awkwardly patted its head while Joker snapped photos and laughed uproariously.

"Beautiful! Now gimme a big smile!" Joker practically cackled.

Jonathan glared past the dog's furry shoulder as he struggled to detach himself from the wiggly retriever. "Alright, I think I've had enough of this. Now can we please go before any more people see me like this?” he said irritably.

He could feel the eyes of park-goers watching and laughing under their breath. All he wanted was to escape before becoming anyone else's awkward photo opportunity.

Joker shrugged, still typing away gleefully on his phone. "I dunno, I think Gotham would love more pics of you and your new pal..."

Suppressing an aggravated growl, Jonathan resigned himself to more minutes of canine chaos under the demeaning gazes of passing families. He couldn't hold back his disdainful scowl knowing Joker would be splashing these mortifying photos across the internet at any moment.

When Jonathan finally stood up, fur was sticking to his pants. The Joker was laughing hysterically. "That's a great shot!" he said between cackles.

He held up his phone to show Jonathan the newest humiliating photo - a muddy puppy with its tongue up his ear. Jonathan sighed in frustration, knowing this would just be added to the growing collection of blackmail material the Joker was amassing.

"So who's up for round two? I spy a playground..."

Jonathan felt his eye twitch as Joker happily steered them toward the playground next. Rambunctious children clambered noisily over the equipment as weary parents looked on. He dug his heels in, glaring daggers at his tormentor.

"Alright, that's it, Joker. I've put up with your stupid games long enough," Jonathan said irritably. "I will not continue making a fool of myself in this kids' playground.”

Joker wagged a patronizing finger under Jonathan's nose. "Ah ah, those adorable toddler pics are just a click away from mass exposure! Better play nice if you want ‘em kept private." His sharp grin left no room for further argument.

Face burning crimson, Jonathan allowed himself to be led reluctantly toward the playground like an oversized child. Gleeful shrieks filled the air as Joker gave him a helpful shove toward the swings.

"Have at it!" the clown encouraged to the bemusement of hovering parents. "Really pump those legs now!"

His jaw clenched furiously, Jonathan lowered himself onto the tiny seat with as much dignity as he could muster. But with the Joker gesturing eagerly, he reluctantly began half-heartedly rocking his long legs. The chains creaked alarmingly at even this minimal movement.

"Higher Johnny, higher!" Joker cheered. "Make those thin legs work!"

As Jonathan grimaced at the demeaning task, kids began giggling and pointing excitedly in his direction. Joker of course snapped several photos of him glowering on the undersized swing.

"Alright, slide time!" Joker suddenly declared.

Jonathan glanced over at the bright yellow plastic slide. Surely even for Joker this was absurd. But the clown stood waiting expectantly, evil grin growing.

With the eyes of multiple children now watching him eagerly, Jonathan felt his cheeks grow hot. Storming over, he climbed swiftly up the tiny ladder, shoes slipping awkwardly on the rungs meant for sneakered feet half his size.

Reaching the top platform, Jonathan stared down at the garishly-colored slide with distaste. Grabbing both rails, he carefully lowered himself until his legs dangled through the opening. Then with a grimace, he reluctantly let gravity take over, his long limbs immediately jamming awkwardly around the tight bends.

Reaching the bottom in an undignified heap, Jonathan extracted himself hurriedly to the raucous laughter of kids and his tormentor alike. He angrily brushed dirt smears from his jacket and slacks, staring Joker down as if daring him to push this game any further.

Mortification burned through Jonathan as Joker eagerly hustled him across the street toward the neighborhood fire station. This was beyond demeaning. But the clown seemed oblivious to his smoldering outrage.

"Oh you are going to love this next treat!" Joker exclaimed, banging loudly on the station's garage door before Jonathan could object.

Moments later a puzzled firefighter emerged. "Can I help you two?"

Joker immediately pushed Jonathan forward. "You sure can! Today's my good friend's birthday and we'd be ever so grateful if your crew could help make it extra special." He flashed the dubious fireman his most deranged grin.

Seeing no easy escape, the firefighter gave a slow nod. "I suppose we could show you fellas around the fire truck for a few minutes..."

Joker propelled a stiffly reluctant Jonathan into the station's garage after the bemused fireman. Three other firefighters on duty glanced up curiously from their card game.

Planting his hands firmly on Jonathan's shoulders, Joker announced happily, "I know this fine gentleman would love to pose for a birthday picture on your fire truck! Maybe with the sirens blaring while he waves from the front seat?"

The firefighters exchanged uncertain glances. "Well, I guess that'd be alright," one agreed hesitantly. "If your friend doesn't mind the fuss..."

They looked to Jonathan, who managed a pained grimace. As if he had any choice under Joker's watchful gaze and threat of exposure!

Clearly out of pity, two firemen helped lift the awkward doctor onto the massive vehicle and settled him stiffly in the passenger seat. Face burning brighter than the truck, Jonathan posed robotically while Joker directed enthusiastic shots and encouraged him to "look lively!"

Mercifully after just a few minutes Jonathan found himself back on solid ground with vague muttered birthday wishes as Joker eagerly reviewed the humiliating photos. This "scavenger hunt" was becoming Jonathan's own personal hell.

Next Joker insisted a sidewalk performer paint Jonathan’s face like a cat. “To match your birthday card!” the clown reasoned with a hysterical giggle.

Sulking beneath the itchy whiskers, eyebrows, and nose, Jonathan endured several photos before wiping away the mess, smearing black and orange greasepaint all over the ridiculous sash.

His mood only soured further when Joker spotted a hot dog cart and bought them both lunch, enthusiastically decorating Jonathan’s with a sparkling candle.

“Make a wish and blow it out!” Joker cheered, attracting even more attention.

Grumbling under his breath, Jonathan blew it out quickly, but not before several passerby had stopped to film the bizarre spectacle.

Mercifully leaving the dirty paper plate behind, Jonathan found himself steered toward Gotham’s Littlest Kitten Rescue next. He grit his teeth upon seeing the familiar sign proclaiming it the recipient of last year’s fundraising efforts on behalf of his birthday.

“What sort of idiotic task does that list require here?” he bit out.

Joker glanced down. “Says you need to get your photo taken with one of the kitties you helped save! Aren’t you excited?”

Before Jonathan could reply, he was being dragged inside the brightly painted walls covered with cat photos and crayon drawings. A receptionist jumped up eagerly from behind the front desk.

“Welcome! We’re so thrilled to have the famous Dr. Crane here visit the kitties his birthday donations saved last year!”

Jonathan flushed, but the cheerful woman had already come around to usher them further inside, chattering brightly about their mission to find homes for tiny, sickly orphan kittens. His heart sank further as she led them into a room filled with cages of mewling furballs.

“Here’s our baby kitten nursery! Aren’t they just precious?” She stopped before a row of enclosures holding the tiniest, most pitiful bundles of fur Jonathan had ever seen.

“Go ahead and pick one to hold for your photo!”

Ignoring Joker’s grin, Jonathan nervously reached into the nearest cage to awkwardly extract a mewing tabby kitten small enough to fit inside his palm. He grimaced as its needles sank into his clothes, clinging for dear life. The receptionist proudly held up a frame declaring “My First Birthday.”

Checking to ensure Jonathan wasn't attempting to escape, Joker gave him an approving nod. “Go on Johnny, give us a nice big smile!”

After several agonizing photos, Jonathan finally detached the frantic kitten and deposited it safely back in the cage, resisting when it immediately tried burrowing under his hand again.

“We printed you a copy!” the receptionist announced after they exited, handing Jonathan a photo of himself staring stone-faced at the camera with a squirming kitten in his arms. “Thank you so much for supporting our rescue again!”

Jonathan merely grunted, allowing Joker to steer him away again.

“She was nice,” the clown commented lightly.

Jonathan gave him a withering sideways glare in return. But the final straw came when Joker consulted the checklist again and his grin somehow widened impossibly further.

“Ooh, last challenge! We gotta get you a birthday cake and have the baker sing to you!”

Jonathan stopped dead, yanking his arm from Joker’s grip. “Absolutely not. This foolish scavenger hunt is done, Joker.” He turned to leave, only for the clown to block his path.

“Ah ah ah! We had a deal, remember?” Joker leaned in close, grin sharpening. “One last stop for cake and singing and those photos stay private! Unless you want all Gotham enjoying your baby pictures?”

Scowling, Jonathan shoved past him, only to be steered forcibly toward the nearby bakery. Once inside, he crossed his arms sullenly while Joker explained the last birthday challenge to the woman behind the counter.

Her smile sharpened instantly at the request. “Of course! I'd be thrilled to sing happy birthday to...?” She glanced questioningly at the disheveled, glowering man in the center of her shop.

“My good friend Jonathan here,” Joker supplied with wicked glee. “We absolutely must celebrate his special day with your lovely singing!”

The baker nodded, giving Jonathan a smile he was too tired to return with more than a half-hearted twitch of his lips. “We’ll have your best birthday cake iced and ready in just a few minutes!”

Jonathan's stomach lurched at the realization he would indeed be forced to endure this final torment. Shooting Joker a baleful glare, he sank onto a nearby stool, refusing to speak or even look at the merry clown.

Soon enough, the dreaded confection appeared - chocolate covered in thick icing and sprinkles spelling “Happy Birthday Jonathan!” He peered closer and let out an aggravated huff. There amongst the decoration sat a frosted kitten, complete with whiskers and a tiny bow. Outrageous.

Oblivious to his disgust, the cheerful baker carried it over, clearing her throat dramatically. “Happy birthday tooo youuuu...” she warbled enthusiastically. “Happy birthday tooo youuuuu!”

Jonathan cringed, skin crawling at her boisterous crooning as nearby customers turned to stare. Beside him Joker grinned wider and wider, swaying in time to the baker's spirited song.

Mercifully she soon finished, beaming proudly down at him. “Make a wish, Jonathan!”

Shooting her a tight smile, Jonathan blew out the single candle quickly. Before he could object, she had cut them each a generous slice, personally delivering them to the table. Jonathan eyed his portion glumly, appetite utterly extinguished by this final indignity.

Joker dug in with gusto. “Mmmm so moist and chocolatey! Try some, Johnny!” He waved a dripping forkful teasingly close to Jonathan’s face.

Ignoring Joker’s antics, Jonathan set down his fork firmly. "Alright, I've done what you asked, now it's time you uphold your end of the bargain." He gave Joker a stern look, growing impatient to be free of this farce of a birthday celebration.

"All business with you, eh Johnny? Very well." Pulling out his phone, Joker tapped theatrically at the screen. "There! All deleted." His sharp grin didn't reassure Jonathan in the slightest.

Wiping his fingers on a napkin, Joker neatly folded up the scavenger hunt checklist. "Well, this sure was a memorable birthday I'd say!"

Jonathan merely grunted, resisting the urge to grab the rainbow paper and shred it violently.

Outside the bakery, Joker gave a dramatic bow. "Gotta hand it to you Johnny, you were a good sport playing along with all this!" he said with a grin. "Who knew you could be fun and not such a killjoy." Joker chuckled, amused by his own unoriginal joke at Jonathan's expense.

Jonathan remained stonily silent until with a final honk of his silly noisemaker, Joker sauntered away down the street.

Finally alone, Jonathan tore off the ridiculous sash and crown, striding toward home with as much dignity as he could recover after the day's mortifying events. At least now he could safely barricade himself for the remainder of this intolerable birthday.

Reaching his house, Jonathan went straight for the whiskey, pouring a generous glass. As he raised it in a mocking toast, the doorbell rang loudly. Slamming down the drink, he wrenched open the door with a snarl.

“What?!”

Standing on his porch was Harley Quinn, beaming excitedly and clutching a large package to her chest. "Happy birthday Dr. Crane!" she chirped.

Jonathan glared daggers at her, impatience mounting. "What do you want, Harley?"

Undeterred by his scowl, she held out the gift proudly. "Me and Mistah J made you a birthday scrapbook of all the fun pictures from today!"

Sure enough, when Jonathan begrudgingly took the package, he could see photos of his humiliating exploits peeking out from between the brightly colored paper.

His eye twitched in irritation. "Thank you, now goodnight." He went to slam the door but Harley jammed her foot in.

"Aww, don'cha wanna look through it with me?" She pushed past him into the house.

Jonathan sighed deeply. "Very well, let's get this over with."

He followed Harley into the living room and took a seat reluctantly as she opened the scrapbook with glee. Page after page contained photos documenting every embarrassing moment of the day.

As Harley giggled at each one, Jonathan fought the urge to tear the offending book to shreds. Finally, she turned to the last page, with Jonathan blowing out the candle on his birthday cake.

"Ain't it a great memento of your special day?"

"Yeah, sure," Jonathan deadpanned. "Now if you don't mind, I've had enough birthday 'festivities' for one year."

Harley pouted but began gathering her things. At the door, she turned back with a smirk. "Don't worry Scarecrow, I'm sure Mistah J will plan an even better party for ya next year!"

She skipped off, cackling loudly. Jonathan sank into an armchair, dread pooling in his stomach at the thought of what new humiliations awaited him in 365 days.