I giggled. In my phone there is a video of a funny cat trying to jump over a ledge and it ultimately failing. Seeing it finished, I scrolled for another video to watch, this one was about how to know if a cat likes you.
After watching the video I looked at the time.
11:15pm. Still enough for one last video before bed.
So I scoured the internet and found the lucky winner, It was video with the title “5 Different Types of Multiverse” and watched it. As I continue to watch the video explaining the 3rd type of multiverse I suddenly had this unexplainable thought.
What would I be like in another universe? Would I still be me? Or would I be a completely different person?
I opened my wardrobe happily, Choosing my outfit is one of the delightful moment of my day. Even though there were many to choose from. Especially because I had many clothes to choose from. Tops, Shorts Leggings, Hoodies, Skirts, Dresses, Jeans... There were so many to choose from.
I looked through my clothes one by one, trying to find the perfect outfit that matches my mood today. Eventually, after sifting through half of my wardrobe and an internal debate over 2 outfits later, I settled on a dress.
It's a lovely yellow dress that falls just below the knees, with a flattering flare that makes spinning in it a delightful experience. The waist features a playful touch – a charming picture of a cute little shark. The collar and sleeves are outlined in black, adding a subtle contrast to the vibrant yellow fabric.
Feeling satisfied with my choice. I slipped into the dress. Feeling the fabric of the dress sliding and caressing my skin. I smiled, It was one of the reasons I like this part.
Eventually the moment passed and now I smoothened my dress and flattening out any creases that dared to appear. Satisfied, I walked into the mirror to see my own reflection.
And the one that greeted me back was a beautiful girl. With long black hair and the most cutest face I have ever seen. She was wearing a yellow dress, The same dress that I had just picked. It looked great on fer thin, short, huggable body. And She is smiling a beautiful and happy smile right back at me.
Of Course She is me. I am the cute and beautiful girl in the reflection. And it makes me so happy, so i spun in my dress, With the dress twirling with me.
After that I........... Brrrnggg...
Brrrrrng...... Brrrrrrnng…… Brrrngggg…. The Great Evil Alarm bares its noisy fangs, With the determination to let everyone in the world hear its horrendous noise. But a hero saves the day, as a hand swiped the alarm on the phone, with such practiced motion like it has been done a hundred times and ultimately saving the morning.
I opened my eyes, instantly forgetting the beautiful dream and returned to reality, where I am looking at the ceiling. Why do i feel like I am forgetting something important?.I thought to myself but not managing to notice the faint trail of tears running down in my eyes.
I laid there for a few minutes whilst my eyes were still glued to the ceiling, waiting for my brain to function.
But the The Great Evil Alarm bared its noisy fangs once again, making me forget what i was thinking about a few minutes before. With a practiced swipe, I dismissed the alarm, This time finally gathering the energy to get up from my bed. I went and heated some water to make some black coffee. Waiting for it to heat, I tried hard to remember what I was thinking about earlier.
I had a dream, didnt I?, Why do I feel like i need to remember it?.. What was it?.....
As i was lost in my thoughts, the water inside the kettle was showing the signs of of boiling, with bubbles popping all over the surface of the water. Smoke started to rise and escape from the mouth of the kettle.And eventually the temperature reached the boiling point and the kettle started to whistle loudly.
I remember now, the wardrobe.. the yellow dress, the spinning and the cute girl who looked a little bit like.... me?
The kettle whistled loudly, demanding my attention. But I couldn't care enough. I was currently feeling fuzzy as I remember all the things that happened in my dream. I absent mindedly turned off the heat and went off to make some black coffee and before I knew it, I was siting in the coffee table, with bthe coffee already finished. All this while still thinking of the meaning of that dream.
What does it mean? I stared at the black coffee as if it would suddenly magically be given the ability to talk and give me the answer but my attempts only managed to successfully see my reflection.
A face that one can identify as masculine, dry lips, short black hair..... Suddenly feeling a slight pang of disappointment, I looked away from my reflection and saw my what I was wearing today. A blue shirt with some design and a green short with patterns. Not too plain but not extraordinary either. But looking at it did not help but only made it slightly worse as I still felt a slight bit of disappointment pop up in my chest.
Looking for ways to distract myself from this feeling , I grabbed the phone and watched some videos on the internet while drinking coffee.
Meh, It was only a dream. Its not like it means anything important right?. I thought as I convinced myself as I watched some videos about the LGBTQ+ community.
A few days passed and the dream was gradually buried in the back of my mind and I eventually moved on to other more important things like games and work but either fortunately or unfortunately, fate just wasn’t having it.
One fateful morning I was scrolling through an online shopping app looking for new clothes to buy for the holidays, but as I scrolled down I saw something that did not fit right with the others.
It was a skirt. A black colored skirt. Looking at it, I was instantly reminded of the dream I had a few days before and I was suddenly curious.
Not able to hold back my curiosity anymore, I clicked it and read through its information and saw that it length was just below the knee and I, someone with a slightly thin waist, suspiciously meet the waist size requirements to wear it. After glancing at the information, an idea popped up in my mind.
Its now or never right?. If I let this moment pass who knows if I might regret it for the rest of my life. This brief thought ran through my mind as I clicked the Buy button. Suddenly thinking of something, I searched for something in the shop and managed to buy a matching colored women’s top to match with the skirt.
What have I done? A part of me had this thought while looking at my purchase. But what’s done is done.
Then I patiently waited. Which was surprisingly wasn’t a long time as the package arrived in the afternoon. I asked the delivery guy why it was so fast and he answered that the store was actually near where I live. After doing the formalities, I went back into my bedroom carrying two sealed packages. I laid them out on my bed and opened the packages carefully one by one using a scissor. A few moments later there was a cute black top and a matching black skirt that was laid down in my bed.
Am I really going to do this? I ask myself, feeling a strange bundle of nervous and excitement because of what I'm going to do. Mustering my courage, I undid my clothes and threw them into the chair and my body slightly shaking as I picked up the black top and started to put it on. As I put on the shirt, I increasingly felt its smooth fabric touchng my skin and as I finished putting it on, I was suprised that it felt comfortable. Next, I put on the skirt. As I started to put my feet inside the skirt and slid it upwards. I increasingly felt the strange combination of nervousity and excitement, As if the moment I finished putting on this skirt, I can never go back to the way it was before, but a new world was waiting for me to explore.
The moment passed and I finally finished putting it on. Still feeling somewhat nervous, I took a deep breath and looked down.
And immediately felt strangely excited about what I saw. Of course I saw the black top and skirt on my body but I was wearing them. Just this fact alone made me feel strange and fuzzy.
A memory flashed in my mind and I felt compelled to do it. As if the whole world would be mad if I havent done the thing yet.
I spinned. I saw the skirt spinning with me and I understood a little about why the person in my dream liked to spin. It was fun.
I stopped myseof before I got dizzy and wobbingly sat in my chair. And the moment I sat i felt the fabric of the skirt touching my chair and my thighs touching each other. As I felt these sensations, I felt the strange sense of excitement flare up inside me once again.
I sat there, head in my hands while unknowingly crossing my thighs on top of each other. I think Im gonna get addicted to this. I smiled. But what does this mean? Why do I like wearing girl clothes?. I thought. Then I remembered a few bits about some videos I watched a couple of days ago, about the LGBTQ+ community. Or more specifically, the term “Transgender” or more “How does one know that they are transgender? ”
One of the signs was the desire to wear the opposite gender clothing. I thought, getting deeper into this train of thought. And there was another one, It was the wanting to become the opposite gender wasnt it?.
Well I know that I like wearing feminine clothes. I look down at myself. Yes, definitely sure. So thats one box ticked. So what about the second one, Do i want to be a girl?. I asked myself, but the strange fuzzy feeling of excitement already told me the answer.
Yes, I think I want to be a girl. I let out a breath I did not realize i was holding.
“I want to be a girl” I said out loud knowing that once i said that, there will be never going back to the way it once was.
I smiled. And then thought of another problem. My name. I needed a new name. My old one was a bit masculine and I wanted a feminine name. So I began to think of some names
Clarisse. This name suddenly introduced itself. And my heart began to go spinny at being called that name. So I took the liberty to taking that name for myself.
So Im Clarisse now? Clarisse thought but deep inside she knew she was already Clarisse.
As I was thinking of my new name and people calling me Clarisse. I smiled. And if an outside observer saw this smile, one would find it similar to the smile in Clarisse's dream.
A couple of days passed by since my realization and my wardrobe was happy as it got filled with more variety and colors of clothes. A few more skirts, T shirts, leggings, hoodies, oversized hoodies, and a few dresses which i have only worn once. All of these I found in the same online shop where i bought the black top and skirt. I remember the delivery guy once said that the online shop has a physical shop around here somehwere, so I looked at the address and noticed that it was only a few minute walk away from my home so I committed the directions to memory
Over thse past few days whenever I get home, I instantly got out of my boy clothes and put on my cute t shirt and a skirt, shorts or leggings. It has been only a few days since I realized I was a girl and I have more stuff to figure out and telling people is a problem i dont want to deal with right now.
One day I was laying down in my bed, holding my phone as I scroll through social media sites. Donning a Pink shirt with a big panther design on it and a beige colored pants.
As i was scrolling, I suddenly saw a recently new post from a subreddit that I recently go to. It was titled “I didnt go through the egg phase, Am i still Trans?”. As I read this my heart began to throb.
Am I? I thought as i clicked to see the post and replies.
A reply went like:
“It's true that many trans individuals have experienced what's commonly referred to as the “egg phase”, where they may not have initially recognized or understood their gender identity. However, it's crucial to understand that everyone's journey is unique, and there's no universal template for being trans. Not going through the egg phase doesn't invalidate your identity or make you any less trans.”
Another reply went like:
“It's wonderful that you're exploring and questioning your gender identity. Many trans individuals go through a phase where they may not immediately recognize their true selves. It's a unique journey for each person, and the egg phase can be a significant part of that self-discovery process. You dont have to feel like an imposter.”
As i read some of these replies, the seed of doubt hidden inside me started to make itself known. It sought to destroy my state of mind, by asking numerous questions that targeted my gender identity to make me undergo a never ending spiral of doubts that one cannot escape. And it nearly succeeded
I didnt go through an egg phase didnt I?, I just went and decided wantonly that Im a girl. Even though many people have to go through an egg phase before they realize it. What if I was just pretending?, What if i was just an imposter pretending to be girl? What if i was......
And before I knew it, I was holding my knees and started crying some time ago. These questions that come to no end. Some of these I dont have the answers. So I just kep crying until it seem like it was never going to stop.
Unfortunately no one was here to comfort our dear Clarisse, She had no one to talk to and had to figure out all this stuff all on her own, with no one to guide her.
Then my phone dinged. It was a new reply to the post. Trying to suppress my tears, I tried to look at the new reply
I hear you, and I want to emphasize that you are absolutely not an imposter. Experiencing or not experiencing the so-called «egg phase» doesn't define the validity of your gender identity. Every journey is unique, and there's no one-size-fits-all narrative for being trans.
It's completely okay if your path hasn't followed a particular pattern. Your feelings, experiences, and identity are all valid and deserving of respect. You are not alone in this, and your struggles are acknowledged. It's essential to be kind to yourself, especially during moments of dysphoria. Remember, your identity is valid, and you have a community here to offer support and understanding. If you ever need someone to talk to or share your feelings with, you're not alone in this journey.
This reply was just like the ray of hope that i desperately needed. I absorbed those pieces of information and my thoughts started to calm down as if a ray of light swept through the darkness in my mind.
Finally calming down, I wiped my tears and cleaned my mess before taking a glass of cold water.
I guess I still have a lot to learn huh? I chuckled before deciding I needed to take a breather. I took an oversized hoodie that does not look to feminine or masculine that goes over to below my knees and put it on, took my wallet and walked outside the door, not caring that I was still wearing the pink tshirt and beige pants since it was hidden underneath the hoodie.
I walked in the direction that I had memorized, using the walk to sort out my thoughts.
I'm still valid even though I didnt go through the egg phase?, Well I suppose so since that reply said so. I guess that there should be other transfems that didnt go through the egg phase. If they get to be a girl then why can't I be a girl then too? I mused.
“Because your an imposter” The small darkness left in my mind told me.
As I was left with my thoughts, I had already arrived at the shop. The shop where I bought all my clothes online. I took a deep breath and opened the door
No, I am not, If I was an imposter then wouldnt i know if i was one?, I guess the doubting isnt gonna go away anytime soon and I just have to live with it. But no matter what. I am a girl, and nothing can change that, not even me.
When I walked in, I was suprised at what I saw. Because there was a dress displayed in front of me.
A yellow colored dress that fits just below the knees, with the sleeves and collar outlined in black. And in the waist, There was a cute Blahaj featured there. I smiled when I saw that dress.
Yes, It was the dress from my dreams, the-
Dream Of My Heart.
Thank you.