-Life is like a humongous puzzle with the pieces scattered around and even when you find a new piece to connect to the puzzle the end result still stays unclear until just the very end.- By author
It all happened on a seemly ordinary Monday afternoon at the edge of summer as I was on my way home for school. I suddenly sensed a bizarre presence watching over me and just when I'd thought it disappeared, I felt a scorching heat coming from the sky. As I looked up about mumble about the annoyance called "Global Warming", instead of seeing the normal sky with a scorching hot sun, I instead looked up to see what I at first assumed to be the end of the world, at least for me.
As I ran for my life, huge meteors rained through the sky seemingly aiming towards the areas I was in. Suddenly I could hear a small voice that sounded like the type of thing you hear when you try to communicate with someone through a walkie talkie with bad connection.
Bzz..... Bzzzz.... "Hello can you here me?! If so that means the situation over there has drastically changed for the worse, and you are probably being targeted for elimination."
I, Xavier Kurogane, was so terrified at the sudden strange events that I strangely didn't even think to question the mysterious and suspicious voice that suddenly decided to inform me of my situation.
"Hello?! Is someone there?! I'll forget about the questions of why I need to be eliminated and how this is happening for the moment, and instead ask what should I do to survive through this?!" I shouted while turning the next corner on the street to dodge an incoming meteor.
The voice then sputtered out an answer. "Bzz... Bzz..... Since my connection is weak and we don't have much time, I'll explain how you can survive this quickly. To escape this deadly situation you would need to leave this world completely, for if you do not eventually the assailant will give up on targeting you specifically and then decide to destroy the entire planet just to get to you. Then the-"
"What do you mean by, 'they would destroy the entire planet', are they insane?!" I screamed feeling extremely fearful at their might/power while also angry at their ruthlessness to take billions of lives just to get to one person.
"Bzz... Bzz.... That doesn't matter now!! Just listen to me, I left a portal to my world next to the nearest train station from your house. Once you reach it you will need to go through it and build up strength to prepare for the huge battle you will be inevitablely be involved with in the future. Also, to help you survive in a land unknown to you, I decided to unlock the hidden potential in your body. It should automatically grant you a skill, which should aid you in your journey for answers and strength. Here I'll do it now.
Suddenly a voice rang out in my head "Skill 'RPG God' aquired"
"Bzz... Bzz... Once you hear your new skill in your head, while running, jump through the portal and it should immediately transport you."
Hearing the voice quiet down I immediately started running towards where the voice said the portal would be while checking out my skill. It seemed to be a black screen that showed a menu which listed my status, a map showcasing the world around me, an inventory which had unlimited space, and a few locked items that seemed they would reveal themselves over time, whether through leveling up or other means.
RPG God Menu
Status
World Map
Unlimited Inventory
Locked
Locked
Locked
Seeing this, while feeling excited from my love for games, I momentarily slowed my running pace down as I decided to check out my status...
Status
Name: Xavier Kurogane
Sex: Male
Job: N/A
Race: Human
Age: 17
Level: 1
HP: 100
MP: 500
Strength: 10
Defense: 10
Vitality: 20
Dexterity: 10
Agility: 10
Intelligence/Magic:50
Luck:???
Active Skills: Hand to Hand Combat Lv. 1
Passive Skills: Appraisal Lv. Max, **** God's Divine Protection(Grants Godly Potential)*, Evolution
Inherent Skills: RPG God
Magic: None
As I was checking out my status and becoming surprised from some of the unexpected things listed there, I didn't notice that, along with the gigantic meteors, small, quick laser-like beams had started pouring from the sky, and, just as I went through the portal, my entire body was struck by one and completely vaporized by it.
The moment was so instantaneous that I felt no pain, just a simple weightlessness as I somehow successfully still went through the portal. Then suddenly the voice appeared again, this time though in a distinctly clear and beautiful woman's voice.
"Oh no! It seems like your body was completely and utterly destroyed as you went through the portal, but that's alright! I thought this might happen, so I prepared a body for your use, just in case. When you wake up in your new world, you'll have to adapt to your new body, which actually should be better than your original. And don't worry about your skill, since skills are stored in the soul, not the body, all your stats should stay the same... No, actually, they might increase because of your new body... But there's no need to worry about that, as you'll see when you get there...'And if you wish to actually meet me in the flesh, then become strong enough in that world so that you can do just that. However even if you don't seek me out after you gain strength, our fates are tied, so we will eventually meet again. So for now, goodbye, my d**r.'"
As the voice faded out my head, although I couldn't hear the end very clearly I instinctively understood what she mean't and that this was the beginning of my journey.
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Yandere Votes: 23 29.5%
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Clingy Type Votes: 6 7.7%
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Tsundere Votes: 9 11.5%
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Little sister type Votes: 22 28.2%
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Kuudere Votes: 18 23.1%
Based on how many people view this and how well they receive it will determine whether I continue this on with a new chapter posted tommorow.
What kind of description is that? You basically went and described the entirety of the prologue!
As for the readers' feedback, frankly, only a small percent of people ever comments on something and, given how most works here are barely read, don't expect that big of an audience. Don't let that discourage you, though.
@Authn Do you think it was interesting at least
@Jmills1999 Well, I'm not one for words, so I'd just go along with SovietWeeb's comment.
Seems like a great story would love to read more and see how you develop the character
I'm definitely intrigued, hope to see more!
Helpful critique: This is generally well written but there are a few grammar mistakes and IIRC a couple typographical errors. I'd be happy to point them out for you, if you like. A large portion of them are run-on sentences in the second to last paragraph but a couple others are there too.
The help would most appreciated kind sir
Ma'am actually ^^
Anyway here goes! A lot of these are to fix run-on sentences and redundancies. One thing I can generally suggest avoiding is repeating the same word (or variations of words) in the same sentence, especially nouns, adjectives, and verbs.
If so that means the situation over there has drastically changed for the worse and if so that means that you are probably being targeted for elimination.
"worse and if so that means that you" -> "worse, and you"
If so I'll forget about for the moment of the question of why I need to be eliminated and how this is happening and instead ask what should I do to survive through this?!
The "If so" feels redundant to me here, IMO it should be removed.
"for the moment of the question of why I need to be eliminated and how this is happening and instead ask" -> "the questions of why I need to be eliminated and how this is happening for the moment, and instead ask"
Since my connection is weak and we don't have much time so I'll explain how you can survive this quickly.
"have much time so I'll explain" -> "have much time, I'll explain"
Then the..
This is just a style thing but the two periods should be replaced by a hyphen since the voice is being interrupted, like this: "Then the-".
Once you reach there you will need to go through it and build up strength to combat against the huge battle you will be inevitablely be involved with in the future.
"there" -> "it", "combat against" should be changed it doesn't really work, probably should be "survive", or "prepare for".
Also to help you survive in a land unknown to you I decided to unlock the hidden potential in your body which should automatically grant you a skill which should aid you in your journey for answers and strength.
"Also, to help you survive in a land unknown to you, I decided to unlock the hidden potential in your body. It should automatically grant you a skill, which should aid you in your journey for answers and strength."
reveal themselves over time whether through leveling up or other means.
"time" -> "time,"
Inherit Skills: RPG God
This one is tricky and I might not have all the context for the name, but "Inherit" feels wrong. It should PROBABLY be "Inherent", but could also be "Inherited"? Inherent seems better to me since the Xavier apparently had hidden, inherent power after all.
As I was checking out my status and becoming surprised from some of the unexpected things listed there. I didn't notice that along with the gigantic meteors small, quick lasers had started pouring from the sky and just as I went through the portal my entire body was struck by one and completely vaporized by it.
"As I was checking out my status and becoming surprised from some of the unexpected things listed there, I didn't notice that, along with the gigantic meteors, small, quick lasers had started pouring from the sky, and, just as I went through the portal, my entire body was struck by one and completely vaporized by it."
As the moment was so instantaneous I felt no pain but a simple weightless as I somehow successfully still went through the portal.
"The moment was so instantaneous that I felt no pain, just a simple weightlessness as I somehow successfully still went through the portal."
It seems like your body was unmistakablely destroyed
Unmistakably is spelled wrong but also doesn't seem to fit, perhaps replace it with "completely"? Possibly "completely and utterly" if you want to drive the point home?
went through the portal but that's alright as I thought
"but that's alright as I thought" - "but that's alright! I thought"
I thought this might happen so I prepared a body for your use just in case this happened so when
"I thought this might happen, so I prepared a body for your use, just in case. When"
when you wake up in your new world you'll have to adapt to your new body which actually show be better than your original.
"When you wake up in your new world, you'll have to adapt to your new body, which actually should be better than your original."
And don't worry about your skill as skills are stored in your soul not body so all your stats should stay the same....
"And don't worry about your skill, since skills are stored in the soul, not the body, all your stats should stay the same..."
I specifically want to point out that ellipsis are 3 dots, not 4.
No actually they might increase because of your new body, but no need to worry on that as you'll see when you get there.
"No, actually, they might increase because of your new body... But there's no need to worry about that, as you'll see when you get there."
Ellipsis seemed to be appropriate here, feel free to replace with a comma or period, either will also work.
And if you wish to actually meet me in the flesh then become strong enough in that world to do just that.
"And if you wish to actually meet me in the flesh, then become strong enough in my world and you can do just that."
our fates are tied so we will eventually meet again.
"our fates are tied, so we will eventually meet again."
I would say that the pacing is a bit too fast for me. But this might be an interesting read.