My name is Agnes Aguirre. I have never been in love or been in a relationship. All this time, I either work, listen to the flow of others, or take care of someone.

In my younger years, I intentionally took on a working student role in college. While studying, I chose a field of study that aligns with my interests and goals, leading me down a path that feels right. This path isn't just about reaching a destination or fitting in; it also offers opportunities for exploration and personal growth. I dreamed of becoming a mature and successful adult. I pondered my future and made a wish for it to come true. Therefore, these dreams have been realized, but I didn't anticipate how challenging adulthood could be, with its multitude of responsibilities. It would be more manageable without the added pressure, which often stems from the expectations of others and has led me to face numerous hardships. Despite feeling exhausted, I find solace in spending time with friends.

There are moments when I feel something new approaching me, offering a fresh perspective on life. It seems to be a natural part of the human experience, a sign of growth and vitality. 

In such instances, I surrender to life's natural course, letting the path unfold ahead, guided by an inner sense of what feels right. However, there were times when I wandered away from this path because of my selfish pursuits and seeking temporary happiness.

Certain friends criticized me for prioritizing my own interests over our experiences. In my viewpoint, their jealousy might be because of their own lack of accomplishments, or a lack of understanding and differing opinions. As a result, I distance myself from these people. 

There are also friends who have started their adult lives and families, while I have not. I occasionally talk to some, but others keep extending invitations. As I continue to age, I have come to the realization that I live in a materialistic world, where people flow along with endless possibilities for those who pursue them. Life is full of impermanent experiences and uncertainty, and I have learned to accept them as part of my growth and existence.

An attitude of perseverance has guided me in all that I do as I move through life. While my parents watch over me, uncertain of their support or comfort, I constantly feel the pressure that comes with responsibilities.

"When do you plan on having a child? Your younger sibling has already become a parent, despite being younger than you." 

In the midst of my contemplation, while sitting in the front seat inside the car with my mother driving, she abruptly said.

I chose to remain silent. It's always like this.

This kind of situation is a recurring pattern, and it feels disrespectful toward me and myself.

It is crucial to remember that I am also a human being deserving of respect.

"Who is the man accompanying you from the bar? I had a glimpse of your social media. There are pictures of you and your friends, and there's one where you are standing next to a man." While maintaining my composure, my mother continues to speak.

What? That cannot be. It was my friends' doing. What have they done? No, what are they doing? They took a picture of me while I was drunk. I should access my social media security. 

"...Mother, I apologize for the misunderstanding, but the man in the pictures is actually an acquaintance of my friends who helped me maintain my balance. I assure you there is no inappropriate behavior or intentions involved. I will address this issue with my friends and request them to remove the post," I responded calmly after thinking.

"You already have a partner, therefore, you should not approach other men and don't hide anything from us. Also, you should put an end to this habit of yours and focus on your work, just like your soon-to-be partner."

What does she think of me? A cheater? A promiscuous girl? I am not like them! Does she truly perceive me as her daughter?

"...I understand." 

I replied in a low tone after thinking, attempting a smile. As I sat, I crossed my legs, using sandals for support, and leaned my back against the seat. The atmosphere felt suffocating, so I sank my hands into the pockets of my blazer, clenching them.

The parents of the man were close friends with my parents. Just like me, the man is hardworking and currently unmarried. However, without my consent, they have arranged a marriage for me. I have never met the man in person, our interactions have been limited to calls and texts, to which I sometimes choose not to respond. 

I hate this arranged marriage. Observing my friends who have children, I see how they are burdened by taking care of them. They appear exhausted and stressed, especially considering the added strain from pregnancy. They are also responsible for tending to the needs of their husbands, often neglecting their own well-being and personal time.

I don't want to experience this. I don't want to take a path that would cause me pain or unhappiness. Rather, I yearn for a simpler, less burdensome journey. I aspire to improve in every aspect of my life and find true happiness through fulfilling my personal goals. 

"...Mother, in truth, I am not fond of this arranged marriage. The idea of marriage and having a child does not interest me," I confess hesitantly.

"Agnes, we have different perspectives on this matter," she said emotionlessly, her tone cold. However, I didn't mind her point of view.

"I do not find happiness in the thought of having a child, although it may bring joy to others, but I'm not─"

As I looked at her, I felt intimidated by the sight of her knuckles tightly gripping the wheel as she drove, causing me to stop speaking as it dismayed me. I averted my gaze and lowered my head.

Despite being an adult and having my own responsibilities, I often feel confined, as if my parents are the metaphorical prison that restricts my freedom.

At times, I contemplate running away, but the thought of defying them holds me back.

Sometimes, I question their intentions. 

– – Do they genuinely care for me, or are they simply waiting for me to settle down and distance myself from them?

Upon our arrival at the residence, my mother and I remained silent until we got out of the car. She closed the car door loudly, which startled me. I gulped, and she entered the house. I chose to stay outside and get some fresh air.

Under the moonlight, a gentle breeze caused my hair to sway. Feeling tired, I rubbed my eyes and stretched my weary body. I exhaled and inhaled deeply to calm myself.

Unexpectedly, members of a neighboring family I knew emerged from their house. As the road is in the middle, I can see them standing in front, having a conversation. They were lit by a light pole. As I watched them, something caught my eye, their familiar features, with long dark brown hair, brown eyes, and wearing t-shirts, pants, and shoes. Standing in front of her were parents wearing formal outfits similar to my own mother's.

The person I had the privilege of caring for during my twelve years. Due to her family's busy schedule and their distrust of hired babysitters, I volunteered because of the close friendship the families shared. Moreover, I found solace in the arrangement because I didn't like to go outside back then. At that time, my dedication to her welfare was unwavering. I didn't have any desire to be with anyone else. 

For years, I diligently attended to her needs until she reached the age of eleven. Thereafter, my visits have been occasional, limited to brief exchanges of greetings. Reflecting upon those early days, she was merely a delicate and tender little being, just a year old. However, upon calculating the passage of time, it is evident that she has become a 17-year-old young woman now, while I have reached the age of 28.

My own busy schedule prevented further interactions, causing me to reminisce about old photo albums. During this investigation, I came across pictures of her. I remember her silence; I even teased her by hiding in the room, and she shed tears. It was so cute teasing her at that time, as well as her tendency to seek comfort zone in quiet corners while watching children's learning shows and then just fall asleep. Such lovely innocence shone on her face.

"It had eluded me, the rapidity of your growth," I murmured to myself after thinking, a faint smile slipping onto my lips.

As I observed her conversing with her parents, who were preparing to depart in their car, her hands waved goodbye as the car started to leave. In a moment, she stood alone, holding her phone, looking down at her device. I longed to approach her, but something held me back. It had been a while since I last took care of her, and it seemed that she had changed. It felt as though I was a stranger to her now.

Suddenly, she turned towards me and gazed at me in silence for a moment. We locked eyes at a short distance, illuminated by the moonlight.

Has she forgotten about me? Or perhaps, she is simply trying to recall my face? Either way, I find it rather endearing. 

While thinking, she waves at me with a wide smile, catching me off guard. In that moment, I am stunned and unable to respond, but I naturally find myself smiling in return as she starts walking towards me. However, I'm confused by her sudden actions. 

I wonder why she's approaching me. She should see me as a stranger now. 

As I was thinking, while I am still in a daze, she starts walking towards me with a brisk pace.

"Hello," she greets me with a smile, standing right in front of me. I nodded in response, my smile still intact. 

"...I'm glad you still remember me, even though I only visit occasionally. When I visit, I often find that you are gone. Instead, I was informed that you are currently attending school." I chuckled, relieved that the complicated thoughts that were racing through my mind earlier have disappeared.

"You're the one who took care of me. I will never forget you because I care a lot. I'm always thinking of you as well. I even thought of visiting you, but I didn't want to burden you as you are tired when you get home," she said with a serious look on her face, leaving me speechless as we continued to gaze at each other. "Yes, I was informed of your visit and I am sorry for not being present at home during your visit. I also look forward to your arrival because it brings me happy," she proceeded to talk further, which eased my concerns as I had suspected that she was deliberately avoiding me, alienation was planted in me.

"Thank you for considering me." 

It's quite appealing that she confidently expresses her thoughts. In my younger years, I hesitated to express my thoughts because people wouldn't listen to me due to my age.

"Your care and support during that time meant a lot to me."

"I was only observing you and looking out for you back then," I said, chuckling.

"It was just my parents who informed me about everything," she replied with a smile.

"Don't worry about it. It was not a difficult task to attend to your needs during your infancy and transition into toddlerhood. I would simply observe you as you drifted into peaceful sleep while diligently completing my school assignments," I reassured her. She sighed in relief, looking worried, while maintaining a focused and penetrating gaze as she made eye contact with me, which made me fall silent after speaking.

She's just young, and I'm an adult. Why does she care about someone like me? But she's not being rude; she's being sincere. And her honesty is quite refreshing. ... But still, I appreciate it.

Amidst the thoughts, we exchanged smiles; a quiet fell upon us.

"How are you?" she suddenly asked, breaking the silence. I was taken aback by her question.

"I'm doing well."

"It's already nighttime. May I know why you are here?" she inquired.

"I am just taking a moment to breathe and calm down," I explained.

In an unexpected turn of events, silence befell upon us once again. The surroundings were windy and devoid of any human presence. Even she ceased speaking abruptly, prompting me to divert my gaze downwards and then back towards her.

"What I experience is a feeling of being blocked from achieving my goals by some people who act as obstacles. Unfortunately, I don't have the courage and confidence to face and overcome these people. Besides, I always prioritize their wants over my own," I expressed these thoughts to her, and she continued to gaze at me, appearing confused by my words as she remained quiet.

In that moment, I realized why I had revealed my inner thoughts to her. The only explanation that came to mind was that I felt a sense of rejuvenation and happiness in her presence.

"Please ignore what I just said, it was merely a passing thought. Kindly forget it," I uttered, attempting to force a smile, although deep down I felt extremely embarrassed.

"I can only express and reply by saying that you are not being true to yourself. This is why you feel the way you do. I apologize if my words come across as impolite, but that is not my intention. It is your right to have control over your own life and not let others dictate it for you. You should communicate your inner desires so that they will cease interfering, as you are entitled to pursue your own aspirations. Don't waste your life on the expectations of others; instead, focus on your personal growth and accomplishments, until you become successful," she stated solemnly, maintaining eye contact with me, which surprised me as I fell silent, finding myself at a loss for words.

How can she speak in such a manner? Perhaps it is influenced by her circle of friends? Or maybe it stems from the books she reads? I am uncertain, but the sentiments expressed are encouraging to hear.

In this moment, I felt compelled to express something.

"─Athy!" 

As I was about to open my mouth, her older brother called out to her, shouting from the porch. She glanced at him and responded with a wave before turning her attention towards me. As a result, I suppressed a soft laugh as I caught her gaze.

"Maybe we should spend more time together and hang out in the future? I am willing to visit you, and we can also communicate through texting." I suggested. Due to my mother's restrictions concerning my social life, I currently have more time to spend with her.

"Is that so? I am delighted to hear that. I eagerly anticipate our future interactions and assure you that I will take care of you as best as I can, just like you did for me. I will forever treasure the memories of how well you took care of me when I was younger," she spoke straightforwardly with a smile. In response, I momentarily averted my gaze. "I couldn't help but seek you out as you are the best. I want to be by your side to learn the things that you know," she continued. Everything she uttered felt like a proposal to me, and I couldn't help but feel embarrassed. However, I wanted to remind her to choose her words carefully, but I refrained. Perhaps she has acquired her vocabulary through diligent studying or friends' influences.

"U-Until next time," I stuttered, still flush with embarrassment, my lips forming a timid smile as I offered a slight nod.

"Indeed, see you again!" she exclaimed joyfully, beaming with happiness. I watched as she turned around and walked towards her residence. 

"I didn't realize that you were self-aware now. I wonder what I look like in your eyes now," I muttered as I looked at her walking ahead. She abruptly pivoted and fixed her gaze upon me, halting her stride, causing me to startle at the thought that she may have overheard my murmurs. However, it seemed improbable, as I had spoken softly to myself.

"Please proceed indoors, as it is getting late," she announced fervently, with a gentle smile. I nodded in acknowledgment and emitted a light chuckle. With that, she resumed walking forward on the way home. Overwhelmed with joy, I laughed heartily under the moonlight.

– – You, who are shining in the light, I wonder how I can be like you. Perhaps I will choose to stick by your side, learn about you, and spend time with you, as being with you makes me feel valued and makes me feel better, causing me to change.