So, who likes reincarnation? Anyone, no one… Clearly, I am going insane from the black void that surrounds me. Or at least it did surround me as a pillar and a blue-haired teen munching on potato chips descends in a chair. A cheap old lawn chair at that. Quite frankly, I was just done with the theatrics. I knew I died to a boar goring me; there was no need for the dog and pony show to tell me otherwise.
“イノシシに合格？日本にイノシシはいるのか?” She asked, confused, I think.
“Look, kid, I don’t understand moon speak. Can you speak English?” I asked, trying and failing to hide my annoyance. This has got to be almost as annoying as managing a 30+ raid on Ice Crown. She was, of course, ignoring me and talking to someone who I could not see.
“待って、彼はアメリカ人なの？事務処理ミス？どうやって？” She spoke intermittently. I shrugged and started fiddling with my pencil, only to drop it on a table with a shitload of cards. Gacha Cards at that, I could tell from the stars at the top of the card. Looking at a three-star that had both Japanese and English on it, one of the few. It was for a cloak of mana regeneration that can recover 30 mana every second.
“このアマ！” The teen yelled and slammed her hand on the armrest of her lawn chair. Opening up a hole under me, I saw a small walled town just below me.
“Oh, sunova…” I began as I almost comedically hung in the air before falling. The last thing I saw was another woman throwing the kid in the chair and reaching for me, but she accidentally added more force to my travel.
“BIIIIIIIITCH!” I flew through the air and crashed through a rooftop and into a table.
“Sta bene, signore?” A woman asked me with concern evident on her face, and through the excruciating pain, I managed to choke a response out.
“I am fine, dandy even. I have just been gored by a boar and then dropped by some blue-haired Valley girl speaking moon-moon. Other than that, today has been great. Say you got a me…” After that, I blacked out.
I woke up tied to a bed with leather and metal straps. Several preachers looked over me while muttering in Italian. While I never learned the language, I knew a few words, like demon, and well, that was honestly about it. The rest were primarily sexual or curse words and a fair amount of crude jokes. Channeling my best New York Accent, hoping the pseudo-Italian can translate over.
“So the fuck are you doin' ta me?” I asked with the most fucked up, butchered New York accent I could produce.
“They were trying to clear you of potential demonic possession. That and clear up the scars on your chest.” A lady said in English. I looked down and saw a series of runes and geometric shapes crisscrossing on my chest. I swore I saw one of the priests trying to whistle innocently, the silver knife she hid behind her back clearly marking her innocence.
“Fuck, looks like I will need this taken care of,” I said with a grunt of discomfort as the ice-cold feeling filled my chest.
“Thing is… we tried.” The lady said with an apologetic look. “There is divine power that we in the guild cannot heal.”
“What about the bitch with the knife? Couldn’t she heal it?” I asked while pointing my thumb at the ‘innocent’ priestess.
“According to Sister Karen, the wound is outside of their capabilities.” The lady said while tossing a suspicious look at the priestess.
“Right, so is there anything else? I need to go and find a job and get my feet on the ground.” I asked with a deadpan look, and I just knew there would be some more bad news.
“Well, I could register you to the guild and get you work through the guild.” The lady spoke with a calm tone.
“Well, it's either that or rely on the Sinister Seven here,” I spoke as I tried to get up, only to remember the straps. “Ok, while I do enjoy bondage, I prefer to be the one tying people up, not being tied. So, if you would be so kind as to untie me, I probably won’t have to practice shibari on you.” The glare must have freaked out the clergy because they paled and started to back off, praying in rapid Italian. The lady was laughing softly in her hand.
“I know what you said, but they don’t. All they hear is demonic, while I cast a translation spell before coming to talk to you. I figured that if you weren’t possessed, then you still wouldn’t understand. You can call me Sarah, and I am the guild receptionist.” Sarah spoke while I could hear the undertones of reluctance in her voice. She also approached and started undoing all of the restraints, finally letting me get up.
“Thank you, Sarah. So, as a receptionist, what does your job entail?” I asked as she led me out of the medieval clinic.
“Mostly just herding kids who cannot be bothered to ask for something as simple as a map. Do you know how many times some new adventurer joins the guild and picks their first quest and comes back a day later and asks for directions, only to then start shouting map like it is supposed to do something?” Sarah responded with dead eyes. I could feel her pain, except I had to herd the DPS, who likes to stand in the damage zones, along with somehow outdamaging the DPS when I have a Tank who knows what they are doing. I placed my hand on her shoulder in a reassuring way.
“I wonder how many idiots died because of their stupidity?” I wondered out loud, only to get a dry chuckle from Sarah. Clearly, the number was not insignificant if it got that response.
“Oh, and we did find a strange wand and a blue cloak and stashed them behind the counter for you,” Sarah said more enthusiastically than when talking about her job. “Normally, we have a small fee before registering, but due to the troubles we gave you, I am willing to pay for it as an apology.”
“Aww shucks, that is nice of you; I will pay you back when I get some money,” I responded as we walked into the main hall while getting looks of worry. I guess this is the first time they have seen a guy walk in with ritualistic scarring on their chest.
“Don’t worry about paying me back; I consider this an investment. I deal with enough idiots, and I have a good feeling. Anyway, before we get started, this is the orb that will measure your stats.” Sarah spoke as she pulled out a crystal ball.
“Well, time to tell my fortune,” I spoke with a humorous tone. Placing my hand on the orb, I got a whole bunch of gibberish. “The hell am I reading?”
“Well, your strength is above average, a C- at that. Health is solid at an E+, Magic Power is… woah.” Sarah stopped in awe.
“What is it? Bad?” I asked almost expectantly.
“EX rang magic power; while the capacity is low, your affinity is absurdly high. Umm, moving on. Dexterity is at a C rank, so congratulations on that. Agility is sitting pretty at E. Luck, unfortunately, seems to be rather low at an F-.” Sarah spoke mollifying. “Seems the classes available are Priest, just Priest. Um, normally, there are other classes that would be available, but this seems to be the only one.” Sarah said sheepishly.
“FFFFFFUUUUUU!” I shouted as even in another world, I still cannot get away from healing imbeciles.
