Sleep came difficult to Dwenne that night, the faint glimmer of dawn appearing at the edges of her shuttered window before sleep finally overtook her. When she awoke, it was mid-morning, and Dwenne felt no more rested than when she had first laid down in her bed. Thoughts of Rose immediately filled her mind. What she had done, what Rose had done, what they had almost did… Rose ultimately made the right decision in moving, as Dwenne had not the strength to do so in that moment. 

Breakfast- much like dinner the night before- was a simple affair. The sisters sat around the table hunched over their little bowls, eating their meals quickly. Rose was nowhere to be seen, the place where her bowl typically sat was empty, a dark ring in the otherwise lighter wood worn with age where that same bowl had been placed daily for years. As Dwenne sat, she nodded to the other sisters present in a light bow. Some gave her the reverence that she formally would command, others little more than a smile and a tilt of her head.

Sometimes I wonder, Dwenne thought. How did the other Sisters feel about the suffering they experienced? Were they suffering gladly? Or was it with bitter indignation that they suffered? Was Dwenne the only one left who suffered in earnest? No. Rose was here. Even if the rest of the sisters only stayed because they had nowhere else to go, Rose still believed in their suffering.

“Good morning, Sisters, may we all suffer well today,” Dwenne said, bowing at the group as she left. The relative crowd of women had dwindled into a small group of three chatting amicably at the far edge of the table from where Dwenne sat. She could see Sister Patsy- the aging cook- but the other two had bowed backs and hoods up. The three offered nods and waves as Dwenne left the room. She sought out the financial office, knowing that her duties had increased last night. Giving Rose the time to focus entirely on her writing project should only-

Dwenne entered the room to see Rose sitting at her desk much like she’d been last night. Hunched over, writing slowly, that same quill in hand.

“Rose…” Dwenne said. Rose sat up with a jolt, shaking her head and rubbing her eyes with the heels of her hands.

“Eldest Sister…” Rose said in a low voice, barely carrying to Dwenne’s ears even as she approached the desk. Dwenne grasped her arm, clenching it with as much pressure as she dared, supporting her as Rose slumped forwards onto the wood of the desk.

“Rose, you must take care of yourself! I didn’t give you this project to toil at it sleeplessly until it’s done!” Dwenne said, looking down at Rose, who yawned loudly into her Gift Hand.

“I’m… almost finished…”

“Already?”

“...With this chapter…” Rose muttered, almost comically slumped over as Dwenne let her go slowly. The loss of contact with Rose’s arm made Dwenne’s fingers tingle with the desire to have it back. Her Marks stayed dim, but the urge to take Rose into her arms increased by orders of magnitude. With her eyes closed, head on her arms, a soft smile on her face, Rose looked at ease. Peaceful. Like her life was not filled with constant suffering brought on by the consequences of her own actions and her own had. Like she was… happy… 

Was Rose happy? Could one suffer in the Sisterhood and attain happiness? It wasn’t a topic many of the literary scholars of the Sisterhood spent much time on. They focused on the suffering, but little of what effect the suffering had on the truly devout. Were women such as Rose allowed whatever happiness that came as a result of their suffering?

“Get some rest,” Dwenne whispered. Rose breathed deeply on the desk, slumped over asleep before Dwenne could get her to so much as stand up towards her bed. She looked down at Rose. So beautiful, so peaceful. It was like looking down at all the riches in the world, forbidden them by a barrier put up by a god among gods. All that would be necessary would be to lean down. Dwenne could just… Put her lips to Rose’s skin. Right now. She could do it.

Then it would all be over. Everything she worked for the last fifteen years. The efforts, the suffering inflicted upon herself for half her life would be for naught. The monastery, the Sisterhood, suffering itself and Mother Tourmaline. It would all be for nothing. 

But you would have her.

The thought entered Dwenne’s mind and lingered as she stood above the sleeping former Prince. You could have her. It was a joyous temptation unlike any other. She was here, vulnerable. Even if it was just the smallest kiss now, even if nothing came of it. Even that one kiss was all that ever happened. A future with Rose, thoughts both painful and joyous entered Dwenne’s mind. She dwelled on them, wondering what it would be like.

She’s a Sister, far too much a Sister to ever be anything else.

Dwenne felt her Marks begin glowing. Rose was asleep. She shouldn’t be feeling these thoughts. She leaned in closer, lips barely away from Rose’s head.

“No…” Dwenne whispered. This joy would be too great, this suffering just right. This was Dwenne’s lot in life. To suffer. It was what she chose for herself at the tender age of fifteen. Her life had been decided the moment she made that oath to forego any sort of physical pleasure, leave behind herself anything that might make her Marks alight as they were now.

But you’ve already broken that vow… Dwenne knew last night had been a mistake, but this, this would be another mistake that she wasn’t ready for.

“I’m sorry, Rose… sweet dreams,” Dwenne whispered, leaning close to her ear to speak. Rose deserved an apology for the joy Dwenne wanted to bring her. Dwenne stood, spine creaking in pain as she did, and walked out, shining blue Marks hidden in the folds of her robes.