The next few days were a whirlwind of writing for Rose. She had most of her thoughts already planned out by the time she got to putting pen to paper each session- there had to be some downtime to let her hand rest. There was suffering in writing through the pain, but there was only so much stress even a devout Sister could undergo before enforcing a break on herself. The writing had been done in her own room, away from the distractions of everybody else. Away from Dwenne… Rose thought back to how Dwenne had been acting towards her since she started this little project. She’d seen the Eldest Sister’s Marks glow. She knew that Dwenne had felt… something… towards Rose. Deciding what exactly that something was could be dangerous, it could lead them down a path that Rose wasn’t sure either of them were willing to follow.

 

There was nothing wrong with feeling attraction. Rose knew she was beautiful, but often tried to hide it by the loose garments she wore and the unkempt way her hair fell about her face. It had only been because she was focused on something that needed her full attention that she pulled it back that night. That night that Dwenne saw her, the night she’d seen Dwenne’s Marks glow. Rose had rejected contact with her twin sister as her Primary Suffering. It was the one thing that- though the temptation to indulge in other joys would be a lesser pleasure than it- she could not partake of, lest she render her vows broken and her place in the Sisterhood be rendered forfeit. 

 

Her spot among the Sisters of Sorrow was all she had left. She couldn’t lose it. 

 

Rose had returned to writing after another short but brutally necessary break when the door to her chamber squeaked open. Looking behind her, she saw  Dwenne’s face and spotless black robes streaked with red. The Eldest Sister, the one woman here she could see any amount of joy with. The one woman, therefore, Rose must be ever vigilant in not growing close to. 

 

“Eldest Sister,” Rose said respectfully, standing and giving the elder woman a bow as the door squeaked shut. 

 

“How are you progressing?” Dwenne asked, walking over to Rose’s desk- which had been moved from the financial office into her quarters. 

 

“Quickly, I suspect within the week I shall be finished,” Rose said. The pain in her hand had been throbbing all morning, but it was just enough to bear continuing. Beneath her robes, she stretched her fingers, the tension in her joints enough to earn her a brief reprieve from the burning sensation within them. She hadn’t been wearing her gloves, either. While she was working in the room alone, this wasn’t an issue. But when Dwenne was present- especially recently- Rose would prefer to have them on. For the moment, she could resist any sort of joyous temptation that Dwenne had to offer, inadvertently or… otherwise…

 

But Dwenne wouldn’t do that. She was the Eldest Sister, and knew of Rose’s devotion and the lengths she went through to keep joy far and away from her.

 

“Wonderful,” Dwenne said, moving to stand behind Rose’s chair. Rose sat, head resting against the back, neck tilted over so that she stared up at the ceiling as Dwenne’s face moved into view. The Eldest Sister smiled down at Rose- a very tempting gesture to return, but one that she held fast in only reciprocating with a nod. Such joys were a slippery slope. A smile could lead to, well… a lot more joys than just a smile. Even thinking about such was dangerous.

 

“I’m working on a minor treatise of other religions in Telbud and why the Sisterhood is dying. I… think I know why,” Rose said, grimacing. Ah, there was an emotion she could readily show to Dwenne. Disappointment.

 

“Pray tell, Sister,” Dwenne said, moving a hand up to Rose’s shoulder, which she squeezed for a moment. Rose opened her mouth to reply, mind going blank in response to the contact, however brief.

 

“I…” Rose cleared her throat. Now was not the time for her physical desires to unearth themselves after Rose had spent so long attempting to keep them buried where she’d left them. “I believe it has to do with womanly desires, mostly. Women want things. They want money, they want power, they want sex. They want to get what they want, and most other religions facilitate the getting of those things in some way or another. The Gilded Way preaches that there is holiness to be had in riches. Followers of the Church of Eustice believe that their Goddess will bring them influence in their social circles. And… the Land Sowers have as many children as they can, for they believe sex and reproduction are the most holy acts one can perform. The Sisterhood offers none of that. We tell women to give less to themselves, to focus on the benefit of others. All these other religions claim there is something to be gained by following them. The Sisterhood does not. We believe in sacrificing ourselves in order to help others. This… I do not believe we can compete with this.” Rose felt out of breath after finishing the lengthy explanation, slowly lifting up her manuscript for Dwenne to hold, trying her best to not get her ink-smudged fingers on the paper, lest she obfuscate what was written.

 

“Then what can we offer the people, Rose? We need a new recruitment tactic if we are to survive. I am not opposed to changing Sisterhood doctrine if it becomes necessary, but… Sister Nihem disappeared two days ago, none of the Sisters have seen her. I fear we’ve lost another one,” Dwenne said. “I know this isn’t what you need to be hearing right now, especially with how traditionalist your manuscript is turning out, but I worry.”

 

“It is your job to worry, Eldest Sister. The more I research Teblud’s other religious offerings, the more I understand, and in a way, the more I believe in the Suffering we do here. We are not here because Mother Tourmaline offered us something, are we?” Rose asked. She turned around to look at Dwenne properly, subtly moving her shoulder so that the Eldest Sister’s hand had no more purchase on it. The contact ended as Dwenne’s hand fell to her hip while she read.

 

“Well, we do suffer as advertised, I must admit,” Dwenne said with a sigh. “But you’re right. Something has to give. We’re down to twenty-four Sisters assuming Nihem doesn’t return. The Sisterhood offers nothing to new members.

 

“People need a reason to join, do they?”

 

“Most people need reason to do anything, Rose,” Dwenne said. She knelt down next to Rose’s chair, putting a hand on her thigh, the two women roughly at eye level with one another. Rose blushed, looking down quickly, tensing her entire body until she saw that the Mark on the back of Dwenne’s hand was completely dull. Nothing was meant by it- at least from what Rose could tell. She relaxed a little, but felt distinctly conscious of the touch. It was warm against the cold, but amidst all the extra suffering Rose had been putting herself through in the last two days, she could accept this small joy.

 

“This is venturing into dangerous territory, Eldest Sister. I fear words you may speak on behalf of all of us may be… ill-advised,” Rose said softly, making eye contact with Dwenne. So beautiful… Rose thought, No. I musn’t dwell on such thoughts.

 

“I understand your concerns. Our practices are… extreme, and I believe that extremity is what makes us so undesirable to the general public. They appreciate our help, but they do not wish to suffer as we do. Many Sisters here, I fear, have become lax in abating unnecessary joy. Do you not agree?” Dwenne asked. Rose nodded, knowing this was true. She’d seen Sisters indulge in their Primary Sufferings before, she’d seen displays of physical joy that would have made Mother Tourmaline roll in her grave. Three Sisters were currently four months pregnant in the aftermath of one such evening.

 

“The doctrine of the Sisterhood is extreme, I would be a fool to deny that,” Rose said. “But… is it necessary that we are the ones to change according to the whims of society around us?”

 

“I do not like it either, Rose,” Dwenne said, squeezing Rose’s thigh briefly. Dwenne saw a flicker of blue on her Birth Hand, and pulled it away from Rose’s thigh to dim behind her back. Hopefully she didn’t see that, Dwenne thought. “But I do not wish for the Sisterhood to become destitute and for us to have to send our members into town as menial workers.”

 

“Wait! That’s it!” Rose said, standing up, beginning to pace around the room, moving her hands wildly as she spoke with more animation than Dwenne had seen from her in months. “We get jobs! It would be perfect! What better suffering than devoting our time for the material gain of others? It would increase their joy to suddenly have a dozen or two new workers across the city, and it would provide us with the funding we need!”

 

Dwenne stood at one end of Rose’s pacing, watching her move back and forth across the room, hands on her hips. It… wasn’t a bad idea, actually. And yet, it was so simple. How had none of them thought about it before? Dwenne grabbed Rose by both elbows as she came close enough, halting her pacing and smiling, not bothering to hide the excitement she felt.

 

“Rose, you’re brilliant!” Dwenne said. Rose had a small smile on her face, and had been wearing one ever since she had the idea. The two grew closer, Dwenne pulling Rose in for a light embrace as the two looked at each other. “That’s… perfect, isn’t it?”

 

“Y-yeah…” Rose said, nodding slightly, keeping Dwenne’s eye contact and not dropping the smile.

 

Dwenne could feel her heart threatening to pound out of her chest. She blushed, but moved in closer, a hand going from Rose’s elbow to her shoulder. Rose didn’t stop her. She didn’t make any forward motions herself, but she did not rebuff Dwenne’s slight advances.

 

“You know,” Dwenne said. “Maybe we could ease up on the suffering. You know… the concept of a ‘Primary Suffering’ is not present in the Tourmaline Diaries.”

 

“It was established by her successor, Elder Sister Inali,” Rose whispered. Slowly, she moved a hand up to Dwenne’s body, touching her side.

 

“It would not be so blasphemous to…” Dwenne leaned in, Rose still holding the eye contact, both women still smiling. “Relax that oath… if not completely, then… just a little. Do you miss your sister?”

 

“Every day,” Rose said. Dwenne leaned in a little more… and Rose didn’t stop her.

 

The kiss was indescribable. The first either had had since joining the Sisterhood, the first in many years. It was sloppy, with initially dry lips that moistened after a few moments of kissing. Dwenne’s hands went to Rose’s cheeks, pulling her in, deepening the kiss. Four eyes closed, four hands clinging to one another, soft sighs escaping both lips in between kisses.

 

Dwenne saw stars the entire time. The last many years had been lonely. Oh, how she had longed for this, or something like it. Rose’s body felt soft against hers, the curves of her lips, the feeling of her skin on bare fingers, running her hand through Rose’s long hair, taking in every second of the experience until it was over.

 

Rose kissed with a passion, a need that had been building in her for the last three years. She’d dreamed about this, had spent months convincing herself she didn’t need this anymore, that her appetite had grown cold for this. Yet, as it happened, as she felt the sweet sensations of Dwenne’s full, cracked lips against her own, her warm tongue daring to explore past Rose’s teeth, everything felt right. She could forget about the vows, could forget that she’d sworn this off, could forget that she could do this if she wanted to. It had been her own devotion to Suffering that had pushed her towards emotional and physical solitude.

 

The kiss ended, both women staggering backward as they gasped for air, laughing as they did so.

 

“That wasn’t supposed to happen, was it?” Rose asked, looking down with much less shame than she would have expected to see the backs of both her hands gleaming a bright, full blue.

 

“Not at all,” Dwenne said, shaking her head. “I was serious, though. I do have the power to nullify the vows of everyone’s Primary Sufferings. I… I may have just broken mine again, anyway.”

 

“I could see Dawn again?” Rose asked, beaming up at Dwenne, keeping her hands and thus her Marks visible. She didn’t question the pair of silent revelations Dwenne had just given her- that the Primary Suffering of the Eldest Sister had been womanly affection, and that she had broken the vow at least once before. How often had this occurred for her, anyway?

 

“You could,” Dwenne said with a nod. “You’re taking this rather well.”

 

“We did just kiss, Dwenne,” Rose said with a laugh, approaching the older woman to peck her on the lips again. “It’s easier to think of joys once you’ve already experienced the best one you could have had. We shouldn’t have done that, though.”

 

“No, we shouldn’t have. We were supposed to be the examples of perfect Sisterhood. And… here we are,” Dwenne said.

 

“And here we are,” Rose said. She put a hand on Dwenne’s cheek. 

 

“How much does this change for you?”

 

“I will need to meditate on this. This is joy, Dwenne. Being with you, kissing, this is the first real joy I’ve experienced since my first day here,” She was right, Dwenne knew. This was a joy. She had been guilty for experiencing one the other night alone, but this joy? This one felt so right, and she didn’t know why.

 

“Should I leave you alone to-” Dwenne said, but Rose cut her off.

 

“No! I mean… please don’t. If you’re making doctrinal changes to have greater appeal, then you need your resident philosopher to help you write out the mandates,” Rose said, smiling at Dwenne. Dwenne winked at her, and both women blushed profusely before Dwenne reached out her hand. Rose took it in her own, and the two walked back over to the desk.

 

“I know you’re more willing than anyone else in Telbud to suffer, Rose. This will lead to less suffering,” Dwenne said. Rose ripped out a few more sheets of paper from the back of her book, leaving her with just a few blank ones for her philosophy.

 

“As long as my suffering will be meaningful, I will survive. And… as long as you’ll be here with me?” Rose asked. Dwenne nodded, and the two kissed again.