Madison

I love to ski.  It is so much fun.  And beautiful.  My feet glide, and I turn.  I can do things I would love to do in ballet.  My grandparents ski with me.  Grandmother skis at my side, but I can see she is having trouble matching some of my turns.  But I can slow and wait for her.  Grandpa likes to do circles around us.  Sometimes he skis behind us, then he takes a quick turn and skis in front of us.  He says he has fun that way.  I think he is watching out in case some bad skier might ski into me.

Ms. Jackson skied with us the first month.  She is so huge, and then she is even bigger with heavy ski clothes on.  She’s not really a good skier, but she can keep up with us.  She is always laughing when we get to the bottom on the hill.  I am glad she is Mommy’s friend.

Mommy told me about daddy.  He was killed in a place called Syria.  Grandmother showed the country to me on a map.  It looks small.  Daddy is big.  After Mommy talked to me, Grandmother sat with me, and we looked at pictures of my Daddy.  He looked so handsome in his uniform.  And he had a good smile.  We have pictures of him smiling at me and smiling at Mommy.  I don’t know why he had to die.  Grandmother and I put together a big sheet of cardboard and covered it with pictures of my Daddy.  I have it in my room.  I look at it when I lie down to sleep, and I cry.

Mommy still isn’t home.  I get angry sometimes when I read her emails.  Why isn’t she home?  She said she needed to find Daddy.  Well, she found him.  He’s dead.  She should come home now.  She promised to come to me after she found Daddy.  She promised.  It makes me so angry.  Sometimes I say bad things about Mommy, and Grandmother holds me until I stop.  We both love Mommy, and we both want her here.

My other mother, Mrs. Larin, wants to visit me.  She asks in emails to me and to Grandmother.  Grandmother says “no,” Russians would not be welcome here now.”  But I’m a Russian.  Am I not welcome?  I got angry that day, and I think I am still a little angry.

I no longer get emails from Andrey.  He said I should help with visas since he is my husband.  I told him he was too bossy.  I would find another husband.  He got really angry.  I had fun telling him he was bossy, but then I wondered if I should have done that.  We agreed he would be my husband.  Is it wrong for me to change my mind?  The boys at my school are just as bossy, by the way.  And my school has boys and girls together.  I don’t think I like that.  Why are boys so mean?

Can I talk about the thing I like most?  Yes, I like skiing, and ballet lessons, and playing with new friends at school.  But what I really like is making cookies with Grandmother.  She hums while she works, and she hugs me about every two minutes, and she tells me I am a good cook, all of which is nice.  But I think it is the smell I like, and the warmth of the kitchen, and being close to my grandmother.  She watches me put dough on the baking sheet, or mix in chocolate chips or something, and she smiles.  And I know she loves me.  She’s big and soft and close, and she loves me.  Of all the things in America that I like, she is what I like most.  I think of Mommy and how when she was little, she stood where I stand in the kitchen and did the same things I do now, and I smile.  She must have been a happy little girl.  So am I.

Chapter 63