I'm not entirely certain what to do now.

Do about what?

The ropes, and the gag, and the and the room I'm in, and the guy keeping watch over me, and the general feeling that this is not going to go well.

Oh yeah, that. 

Am I developing voices in my head or something? Why do I keep asking questions and then answering them? 

Hmm...

I can contemplate what exact mental issues I have when I'm not in danger of dying.

I only woke up a short while ago, and I am so thankful that the guy watching me isn't paying attention. Seriously. Each and every one of these assholes has the job of guarding, and I've never seen them do their job well.

So, I can probably still use magic. I mean, they only gagged me and tied me up. It's not like I need my mouth or hands to do magic. I just make it happen. Actually, half of me is unsure how I "make it happen," but It's like a second nature to me now. Almost. It's pretty easy.

I always knew I was destined for wizardry.

Okay, okay. Freedom. How do I achieve that? Well, I could make noise and get the dude in here to notice I'm awake. Or, I could not be a fucking moron, and figure out how to destroy these bindings.

I started pulling at my ropes a little bit. Okay, these are strong. Very strong. But, ropes can be cut. 

I focus using my magic senses to detect what is happening around me. If I open my eyes again, that fucker might see me. Okay, I'm focused. I then begin to summon water behind me.

Good. I can't see the water, but I can sense it.

I slowly begin to reform the water. I work at it, over time making into a bladed shape while compressing it. 

Alright Simon, here it is. Don't fuck it up. 

I brought the blade of water up to the ropes and began to cut it. Except it didn't cut.

...

Who the fuck came up with the idea of turning water into a blade? HOW THE FUCK WOULD THAT WORK!? That idea is fucking terrible. You'd need to compress the water down far more than what I can do, to the brink of it being solid, because if I make it too ridiculously thin it risks turning into vapor.

Vapor.

Vapor.

Oh, that's a good idea. I'll do that before continuing with the freedom attempts. Don't want my guard in the room to get noisy when I get out.

First, I need to focus again. Alright. It's a good thing I didn't drop my water "blade." Fuck's sake, that thing couldn't even cut vegetables if you wanted it to.

I take the water blade and I slowly decompress it. And then keep going. I focus on trying to make the water as non-existent as possible by diffusing into the air.

I smiled. 

I'm a fucking genius.

While keeping the vapor away from me, I fill the vapor with my poison magic, charged up with a bit of paralysis. And blindness. Best to go with the double whammy, I don't what this fucker getting up. I remembered being able to poison my water balls, so this should work. Should. Probably. Dunno, really. I'm hoping for the best here, but my luck may have run out.

I slowly sent the vapor over to the dumbass. 

I wait for some kind of reaction.

...

Well, this is...

Taking some time.

...

I was expecting maybe 30 seconds, but it's been five minutes.  This is a bit--

And, he fell off of his chair.

He ain't moving.

Good.

Time to fix this up a little.

I'm really glad these guys didn't pull a me, and left my clothes on. Wow, that would be embarrassing.

It's a little hypocritical to think that way, but I'm an asshole, so it's fine.

So the other asshole in the room is on the floor, and I have my chance. Time for another experiment. Someone give me a research grant, this is way too much fun.

So, I've realized something over time. I can control things I make with magic. So, can I control things I make without magic?

Telekinesis or its magic equivalent. That's the goal here.

I need to move a sword or something. I can summon one with item storage, but it's not like I can actually wield it.

And then the door opened. Oh hello new person! Maybe, could you please close the door! PLEASE! DON'T COME IN HERE TO CHECK ON ME! FUCK'S SAKE!

Suddenly...

All my beautiful plans...

They're up in smoke.

Welp, let's hope it doesn't go to shit when they notice him on the floor.

"Pfft!" The new person started laughing. "Can't believe you, George. Drunk on the job again? Hahaha..."

Huh. 

Lucky me.

This one is a woman.

Everyone in the group I've met so far were men, so this is new. 

She walks in front of me. My eyes are still closed from trying to focus on my magic, and I'm hoping she buys it.

"Hey, stop faking it and wake up."

Shit. I open my eyes to see a beautiful woman with long red hair. Wow. 

She would just look a little better if she wasn't looking at me with a scowl. However, not to sound like an asshole, even though I am, she's probably the kind of person you would expect to see smiling slightly as she slowly destroyed your testicles with a cheese grater. Why do I say that?

She has a cheese grater. 

I don't know why the thought of her destroying my testicles with it came up, but I'm pretty sure some unspeakable torture will happen with that cheese grater. 

Fucking scary.

Just another reminder that a drug cartel is not a group you mess with. Ever.

I got a little too heated.

Oh, it looks like she's been monologuing while I've been in a crisis over my future children. Probably not important. Lot's of vague thinly hidden threats and remarking on her annoyances.

No biggie.

Oh, now she's directly threatening my future children. At this rate, I may develop a fear of grating. Is there a word for that? Tyrophobia? Gratophobia? 

Why do I even know these phobias?

Oh, she's removing the gag, now smiling. She's probably looking forward to hearing me spout some shit about confessing. But she made one mistake.

She let me speak.

Even angels regret letting me do that.

"Fuck, your gag taste like someone sprayed shit as an air freshener into a garbage compactor. What does it take for a prisoner to get a goddamn decent rag in their mouth around here." 

She looks confused. "What?" Yes. YES...

"Or would a more appropriate comparison be the underside of a scrotum in fabric form? Would you prefer the description as the taste of AIDS?"

"What the fuck are you--?"

"Ah, I know. It's the taste of shoes and depression on a fabric you know someone used to wipe their ass." I am so creative.

Just not smart.

As evidenced by the fist in my face.

Ow.

"Shut the fuck up, and tell me who you work for!" Someone has lost their cool.

Better be honest. I need to build a positive relationship here. "I'm on a quest for god to kill the demon king, being granted amazing power in order to accomplish this task. I will leave a legacy to be passed on as the greatest hero to ever not be considered a hero by anyone."

Truth is stranger than fiction. 

"..."

"..."

"..."

"... Hey, do you have any muffins? I need something to get the shit taste out of my mouth, and I can't stop thinking about muffins." Does this world even have muffins?

"... You're a fucking crazy person."

"How did you know? Was it the insane rambling or the complete lack of understanding of the situation I'm in? Or maybe, just maybe, it was the completely thought out plan of trying to fight twenty people with only two?" I do my best to bow, even though I'm tied to a chair. "I am in awe of your deductive skills."

She punches me again. This time in the stomach. Wow, she's good at punching. Too bad I got cheat status, I can take a few hits.

"Tsk, tsk. Someone has anger issues. Anyways, about those muffins-"

And, now she's whacked me with the grater. Alright, alright, I'll stop asking about the muffins.

"Fine, fine. I get it."

She looks at me, a fierce glint in her eyes. She's finally made progress.

Nope.

"You want me to stop reminding you that you're hungry. Look, I bet it's been a long night with a lot of crazy shit happening, and you haven't had time to eat yet, but you can't take your anger out on someone else just because you're stressed. Follow the golden rule. Now, would you like some muffins as well? Tell you what, how about we wake mister drunk guy over there, and then we can--" 

"Can you shut the fuck up!?"

Comedy gold! Minus the physical pain. Guess she's a fan of slapstick. Personally, I enjoy playing the banana man in a giant double act with the world playing the straight man, but to each their own.

"I most certainly can. Now, what was it that you wanted, m'lady?" I imagine myself tipping an imaginary fedora while showing off a stylish neckbeard.

She shivered. I'm sure she didn't understand, but maybe she felt something instinctually?

She starts speaking with a deathly calm. "Just, tell me who sent you, and who you were working with." Someone's had their feathers ruffled. 

"I was sent by god, the lazy bastard, and I was working with a musical robot with a love for using his instrument the wrong way." 

"SHUT THE FUCK UP AND TELL ME!" 

"I am always completely honest. You can rely on me to never lie to you. Ever. So, when are we getting muffins?"

She screamed before punching me again. Oh, that's a nose bleed.

And then she looked at her fist.

"What the hell?" She started clenching and unclenching her fist. Just not very well.

She finally noticed.

I never got rid of the water vapor.

Patience is a virtue. I don't have it most of the time, but when the conversation is this entertaining, it helps a lot. 

I smile.

"Hmmm? What's wrong? You seem worried about something." I'm pretty sure I looked creepy with a bloody nose and a wide grin, but I don't really care. This is so satisfying.

"Fuck, vuck, vuck!" She turns around, but stumbling a little. The cheese grater drops from one of her hands. Ah, the paralysis might be affecting her mouth as well, causing slurs.

I can't let her get away.

Experiment no. whatever the fuck. Results: Success.

I bring forth a few thin lines of non-attributed magic, before coiling them together. I latch it to her foot before drawing it taught pulling her foot back.

She falls over, but begins to desperately crawl away.

"Now, now. Where do you think you're going? We haven't even gotten the muffins yet!" I use my new favorite magic to drag her back to me.

She cries out and whimpers, desperately trying to gain traction on the floor, but she's weakened too much. So much for acting all tough. As soon as you fall into a minor predicament, all that bravado just goes out the window. 

Well, I guess it's not really a minor predicament.

Even though she's the one who tied me up, watching her struggle like that makes me feel like the bad guy. 

Whatever.

I keep her next to me until she can't move anymore. She tries to shout, but her voice fades away as she loses control of even her vocal cords.

I bring a dagger out of my item storage and watch it fall to the ground. I bring it behind myself using my new telekinesis method before slowly pushing it against the ropes binding me, trying to cut them away.

After a minute of this, I'm rubbing my wrists while out of my bindings. Free at last, free at last.

"Now," I say, looking down at the woman on the floor. "I may not have gotten your name, but it was a delight to meet you. Oh wait."

I used appraisal on her. Agatha, huh?

I can't stop smiling for some reason.

I crouch down to talk face to face.

"Agatha, it was lovely to meet you. I'd recommend controlling your temper a bit more as you seem to lose it from time to time. It's important to try and figure out what exactly the man you're interrogating is planning." I stand up. "Just some friendly advice."

I start to leave, but then I remember something.

Oh, yes.

One last thing.

I bend over and grab the cheese grater Agatha dropped.

What a lovely souvenir.

I do hope it's only been used for cheese so far. If it was used for someone else...

Yeah, maybe I shouldn't have grabbed that.

Whatever, I need to figure out where I am and grab Otto.

I use my mana scanning.

...

"Fuck."