Lia did not like the fact that I stripped the guards down for everything on them. Neither did Otto. Or Agatha, but fuck Agatha. 

Doesn't matter, I got more shit now. 

After I was halfway done, Otto warned me about guards coming, but...

Eh.

It's not good to leave a job unfinished.

When Lia questioned me on why I was stealing, I told her I was saving money. When she questioned why I was saving money, I gave her some deep wisdom from Earth.

'A penny saved is a penny earned.' -Benjamin Franklin

She didn't know what a penny was, so I had to explain to her the glory of the copper covered Abraham Lincolns, and how they were worth next to nothing in modern society.

She didn't get that, either.

It was probably my explanation.

What's so hard to understand about copper colored coins that are worth less than the material they are made of? Makes perfect sense to me.

I just told her to pretend to understand my nonsense or life was going to get a lot more difficult for her down the line.

The interrogation room apparently had special spells and stuff cast on the walls when it was built. They were designed to prevent anyone from using magic by constantly forcing the mana in the room to move around, sweeping away any spells someone would cast. The collar and bracelet resisted this effect by not allowing mana into themselves except if it was from the holder. 

That was Agatha said.

What I said was that the room was bullshit. I couldn't figure out how to get rid of the magic fuckery.

The really sad part about this whole thing was that I couldn't drag the wolf corpse out of the room. I couldn't use magic in the room very well, so I couldn't shove it back in my storage. It was too big for the door as well, so I couldn't just drag it out, and I definitely was not going to transport that shit in multiple pieces. That would fucking gross, even for me. 

And while not being able to take the wolf with me was the sad part, the most difficult part was getting Lia to move. I was determined to try not to force her to make decisions using Agatha, but I really wanted her to move. Eventually, I managed to coax her into coming with us.

Fun fact, apparently I can't order her around. I decided to test it, and it turns out that Agatha is the only one who can order her. It's a good thing I can order Agatha to order her. Or not? I'm not sure how I feel about this whole "accidental" slavery business.

Now, I said, or really, I thought, that I would just go grab my ID from the Adventurer's Guild, go do a quick prayer, then run the fuck out of the city.

When I tried leaving the guardhouse, I realized the truth.

There are going to be a lot of in between steps here.

Because after Otto gagged and tied up Agatha(despite her resistance), we noticed the guardhouse wasn't empty.

Well, it shouldn't have been. That would have been pretty stupid of them. About as stupid as me strolling through down a staircase to find two guards chatting at the entrance. 

Our groups instantly noticed the other.

Yeah.

That was not fun.

I ended up killing them. I ungagged Agatha long enough to ask her if they were working for SilverLeaf, and she gave the affirmative. The gag went back in, even though she tried to bite me. After all, I could just order her to stop trying to bite me, and boom. Problem solved.

When I asked her how many guards in town were like that, she said she didn't know. When I asked for her closest guess, she said about 50. In the town, their were apparently 300 guardsmen. On and off duty. 

It's not a big city, okay? It's in the middle of a fucking forest, and the road was fucking long. Who the fuck would come out here?

But yeah. I ain't dealing with that shit. I'm not a numbers man, but even I can do the math here.

SilverLeaf pretty much runs this town behind the scenes. We can't stay here if we want to live, and while I can't speak for Agatha, given the way she's been acting around me, I definitely want to live.

So we're getting our IDs. Not going to deal with this shit. I'm getting the fuck away from here.

"Alright, class." I began once we were getting close to the Adventurer's Guild. "Here's how we gonna do this. Since the receptionist is working for SilverLeaf, and I'm pretty sure he's been doing some really bad shit, like helping girls be kidnapped or something along those lines. In other words, I don't have any particular qualms with killing the guy."

And while it remained unsaid, I wanted to get back at him for shitty service.

"But before that..." I take on a much more serious face than normal and stop walking. "We have something much more important to do."

"What's that?" Lia asked. 

"Two things." I said, holding up my hands. "The most important things, really."

I look towards the adventurer's Guild, before turning away to look at Lia again. "I need some food and a bathroom, because fuck do I need to go."

"...Ah." Lia said, with a somewhat surprised expression. What the fuck is so shocking about this? I'm fucking ravenous. I haven't eaten or pissed in a while. I really need to fucking go. 

"So, Lia, seeing as you've probably found some restaurant to eat at, and I won't fucking trust Agatha for a second since she may be thinking about luring us into a trap, I'll let you be the decider of where we're going to eat. Make the choice!" I speak in a cheerful voice. Seriously though, pissing may outrank food at this rate. 

"Ummm..." She put her finger to her chin in want could only be described as a cute gesture. "I guess... There's a place, I think?" She seemed somewhat confused, but fuck it, I ain't got time for that. BATHROOMS AWAIT!

* * *

After Lia lead us through a couple of streets, we ended up at a normal looking bar. I think it was normal looking. It had a sign hanging above the door, and there was a wide open window from which you could see inside. It's definitely less shady than the other places I've been in this town.

It seemed to be open, so we walked in. A bell rang as Lia opened the front door. The place was completely empty except for one man.

"Well, look who's back! I was expecting you to be out of town already! Brought some friends, I see!" A cheerful man was working at behind the bar. He had brown hair and a clean shaven face, with slightly boyish looks. He was tall and skinny, but somehow exuded what I could only describe as a savage aura. I don't know why, but I felt scared of him. 

Yep, time to be a peaceful and rule abiding patron. Don't mind me. Lia, take it away!

"Hello again!" Lia called out to the bartender. She was a little happy at first, but then she became downcast. "I was leaving, but then... Something came up."

The bartender looked her and us over for a couple of seconds before responding. "I see. Well, come sit down, little miss, and I'll see what I can serve you and your companions. The menu is still up on the wall." He pointed to a board behind the counter. "If any of you can't read, then I'll read them out loud for you."

"I think we're good." I call out. "Do we seat ourselves?" 

"Yeah, just pick a table. I'm not getting much business these days, so you've got a lot of options available. By the way..." He pointed at Agatha. "What's with this?"

"What's with what?" I look at Agatha. Nothing wrong here. 

"Why's she tied up and slung over your friend's shoulder?" 

"Oh. That." Right, I forgot about that. "She's crazy, and I don't want her going crazy while we eat." 

Agatha seemed to be trying to plead at him with her eyes. I just smiled like a loon at the bartender.

The bartender looked between us for a good five seconds before shrugging. "Whatever. If she does go crazy, pay for anything you break."

"You got it." The power of 'not wanting to deal with shit' is strong with this one. "Agatha, no breaking anything here." Problem solved.

She began staring daggers at me. "Hey, we have a very reasonable bartender here. Don't fuck it up for us. Let's go find a seat."

I brought us over to a table in the corner. "Otto, set her down in a chair. It's time for us to have a little chat about ourselves. You know, since we're going to be traveling together from now on." I started frowning. "But first, I need to use the toilet."

I walk away from the table and over to the bar and ask the bartender, "Do you guys have a place where I can... Relieve myself?" 

"Yeah, sure. It's in the back." He pointed behind himself to a hallway that lead outside. Okay, we've probably got an outhouse or something. I can work with this.

I walk down the hallway and use the outhouse. There was a water pump outside of it that I used to wash my hands. After finishing up I came back to the table.

Things seemed to be... Tense.

Lia looked nervous and probably didn't know what to say. She was looking away from Otto, and glancing every once in a while before quickly turning away. Otto wasn't saying anything. He wasn't moving or reacting. Agatha was trying to chew through her gag, but it wasn't going to help her. Otto had tied her to the chair. Good man.

It was time for me to break the ice in the only way I knew how.

Shitty jokes.

I pulled out a chair and dropped myself onto it before getting started. "Kids, it's time we introduce ourselves. I'll go first, because I'm the talkative one here. My name is Simon Harmes, I use magic and daggers, and I have a rather flexible set of morals. I once got called a freak of nature by a divine being. Otto, your turn!" I pull finger guns at Otto.

"...My name is Otto. I am an automaton. Simon met me in the woods, and part of me wishes he had not found me. I play music as a hobby and my preferred instrument to use is the lute, but the one I was using burned in a fire and must be replaced. I have the morals that my comrade lacks."

"Ouch. Lia, it's your turn!" I move my finger guns to Lia, who's sitting to my right.

"Uhhh... My name is Lia. I've been working as an adventurer for a while. I use a long sword as my weapon, and I have some experience in hunting... Is that enough?" 

I smile. "Why yes it is. Agatha, your turn!"

"MPHHH!" 

"What was that? I can't here you over the sound of your sins. Such a shame. Moving on, let's grab some food."

Making conversation with these people is difficult. Otto stays mostly silent unless I try and talk to him, Lia is fidgety, and Agatha is... I don't think I need to say a thing about her. 

After sitting at the table for about twenty minutes of awkward chit chat, Lia finally tells us we need to go up to the bar to order. So we get up, except Agatha, who I'm ordering for, and we order some food. Afterwards, we sit down.

"Fuck, I almost forgot to ask the most important question for you all." I say, noticing how Otto probably doesn't think I'm being serious this time. "Do any of you know healing magic?"

...

There was a pause across the table, only interrupted by the sounds of Agatha trying to speak through the gag.

Wait. 

No way.

Absolutely not.

I walk around the table and undo her gag.

"Can you use healing magic? Tell me honestly." 

"Fucking, yes I can, you disgusting--"

"Speak only when I tell you with direct answers." I say. More shit to deal with. "Now, why the fuck would you, the most despicable person on this planet, learn healing magic?"

"... Torture."

...

A pause goes over the table. Audible silence, minus some noises coming from the kitchen.

I put the gag back in Agatha's mouth and sit back down. I try my best to process this but...

Holy fuck, she is fucked up.

Like, okay, I knew she was bad, but I just keep getting reminders about it.

I don't think I need an explanation on how to use healing magic for torture. Just break an arm and put it back together again so you can break it. That is literally the worst way you can use healing magic. Unless you can over-heal someone into getting cancer. Then that is the worst way of using healing magic.

I lean over and whisper to Lia. "Hey, is it possible to give someone tumors using healing magic?" I don't want to give Agatha any ideas.

"I don't think I understand." She tilts her head to the side in a slightly cute gesture.

"What isn't there to understand? You know, tumors? Big swelling on the body or in the body where the body's growth has gone out of control? You know, that?"

"Ew." 

"... I guess that's an answer." I move on, knowing I'm not going to get an answer on that. I can probably figure it out once I learn healing magic. Agatha will not be our fucking healer for long, mark my words. 

"Here's the deal everyone. We need to understand our party composition."

"Simon, please stop using terminology none of us will understand." Otto requests. 

"I mean, we need to understand what role each of us is going to play in a battle. I can serve as a rudimentary mage, I think. I'm pretty good with magic, and have a wide variety of spells available to me. I'm also okay at sneaking around. I belong in the back." I point to Otto. "My man, tell me your speciality."

"I prefer to fight wielding large weapons. Preferably lutes, or other blunt instruments, as I have no experience with bladed weapons. I am very physically able, and can be relied on for taking hits."

There was a long pause at the table while Otto and I looked at Lia. Take the hint. Take the hint. TAKE THE--

"OH! Uh, I should say-- I'm, um, I wield a long sword, and I know a little bit of ice magic and lightning magic, two rare attributes. My mom told me they were very rare, so I was taught how to use them."  She rambled a little bit. 

"Oh good, I don't have the ice attribute, so that should add some more variety to our abilities." I say, smiling. "For attributes, let's just say I was called a freak of nature."

"..." No one, not even Agatha, had anything to say to that one.

"Right, I should just fucking say what I mean, right?" I give a wider smile. Time to be a show off. "I know some water magic, some dark magic, and some lightning magic. You know, all the good stuff." I lean over Lia and start whispering in a conspiratory way. "Also, poison, but don't tell Agatha. She's not supposed to know how I'm going to handle her."

"... You also have the space-time attribute Simon. I cannot imagine any other way we would have been teleported out of the square." Otto, you dense motherfucker. Don't give away all of my secrets!

"PRESS YOUR DAMN MUTE BUTTON!" I lean over to him to slap him on the face. Not like it does anything but hurt my hand and give a satisfying ringing noise. Damnit. 

"Is ThAt TrUe?" Lia has a strange glint in her. Hey, hey, not okay. 

"No." Fuck, that sounded fake.

"..." Oh, they know it sounds fake. I'm so glad I didn't mention light magic.

"He also is experienced with light magic." Oh, fuck you Otto. Fuck you, you fucking bastard. Before, I could be considered an extremely rare talent with four attributes. Now I'm a fucking monster. Thank you.

"THANK YOU SO MUCH, MR. I'M-SOMEHOW-WORSE-THAN-C-3PO." 

"I do not understand your joke. Who is C-3PO? Did you befriend another automaton?"

"YOU DON'T NEED TO KNOW, SCREW HEAD."

"Six? SIX ATTRIBUTES!?" Lia is having a freak out session. That's the only consolation I'll get out of this. 

"Nope. I don't have them. Otto is malfunctioning. I told him he should have gotten anti-virus software, but no. Also, keep your voice down." I ignore the other two to look around. "When the hell are we getting our food?"

Six attributes was a big deal. Not that I'm surprised. Phanny made that pretty obvious.

Lia made it more obvious. 

"But, even in legends, no one has ever had more than five attributes, especially with that rarity!"

She know things. Magic things. Other world bullshit.

Commence interrogation mode. 

"Right, tell me something. How the fuck does magic work?" 

"What?" Aw, she didn't even do a pause, stutter, or act nervous. She's coming out of her shell. "Didn't you say you were good with magic? Shouldn't you know this kind of stuff already?"

"Yeah, I'm good with magic, but I'm self taught. Just tell me how the hell it works." 

"Well... That would be..." She's thinking. "How do you teach a bird to fly? You just do magic."

Well that was fucking helpful.

"That was useless, and not what I meant. What's the science behind it? How the fuck do attributes work?"

"Uhh... Magic?"

"..."

She did it. Somehow, she managed to annoy me. I thought she was to adorable for it, but I was wrong. Too much of anything can be bad for your health.

Fuck it, I'll go trouble a higher power about this shit.

"Interesting." Otto began. "I take it that if I were to say that I had four attributes, you would tell me that would be highly unlikely."

There was a pause between me and Lia.

No way. 

Otto. My man. My bro. 

Magic is my realm.

You step into this shit, I'll have to drill a mouth hole in your face so I can shove your lute down it.

"Otto, only I'm allowed to be magical and heroics. You're job is to be the straight man to my banana man."

"I have seen very little of what can be considered heroics. Also, what is a 'banana man?'"

"Someone magical and heroic."

"While there is no evidence, I think it is highly probable you are lying to me."

"..." Lia seems to be having her own software issues. She shouldn't have opted for the same antivirus program as Otto. 

"I lied about my number of attributes." Otto confessed. "Please put the knife down." 

"GOOD! I was worried there."

Then our food finally got here. The bartender was wise enough not to speak a goddamn word. 

"Otto, why did you order food anyways?" This robot is incomprehensible at times.

"It is for our captive." Otto moved the plate that was set in front of him over to Agatha. "Would you please explain to me how to use these utensils for eating? I will be feeding Agatha, and I am afraid I don't have much experience using such items."

* * *

Poetry.

Theatre.

Paintings.

Dank memes.

The Fifty Shades of Grey Trilogy. (If there are three books in the series, isn't that 150 shades?)

All of these things fall under the same category.

ART.

But I don't think any of them have made me feel more emotional than watching Otto trying to feed Agatha.

You do not feed someone with a knife. 

You do not keep trying to shove food in their mouth while they are chewing. 

And you definitely do not slap someone when they are choking due to swallowing unchewed food.

I had to step in for that one, but I was definitely not telling him how to feed Agatha. She tried to tell Otto how to do it, but she was a bit full up on food, and I told her to not talk with her mouth full. Manners are important. 

Managing to somehow get Lia out of her seat and out the door, after leaving a generous tip for the waiter, we made our way back towards the guild.

Now, it's time for a battle.