Darkakuahebi

im copying this down from my old notebook, making minir edits as i go, and this chapter always hits me... something the three of us had in common was pretty Shit Fathers. Ana's dad left as soon as her mom git pregnant, though her step-dad was a great guy. Amber's dad was a racist, anti-lgbt Bigot, who legitimately tried to kill her. And my dad was an abusive, alchoholic, alcoholic, Serial adulterer, who hasn't been a part of my life since I was 6. So yeah, pretty shit dad's all around. So when I wrote Candy's dad, I tried to make him what we all wanted: a good Dad. So the question was, how do I write a good dad? Do i copy TV Sitcom Dads, Like Carl from Family Matters, Or Tim From home improvement? Nah. What I did, simply, was put myself in the characters shoes. If this was my Kid, my family, how would i react. I hope He comes across as a realistic Dad...

"Gotta go, kiddo. I'll call again when I can."

Sam Harris hung up the Phone... then put his head in his hands... He was Terrified when his C.O. told him Andy was hurt, and relieved when he found out it wasn't Deadly... though his former Mentor being involved, and what exactly she had done... that Stunned him. But he held himself together. His plan was to comfort his kid by Chatting, and listening to his complaints and fears... but when that call connected, and he realized Andy... Candy was afraid for him to see her... to see how his Son was no more... His plans changed. So much Emotion tore through him at the sound of that nervous "hi dad." That he almost broke down there. But again, he held it in...  he helped. He did what a Dad should do, and made sure His kid was okay. Then, when he knew he was on the verge, he pressed a button that made a sound, a convenient Tool used to cut short calls with Politicians... because he didn't want His kid to see... Dads were strong. The don't break down. So he promised to call again... and once the call disconnected... he let it out.

Fear And a sense of loss warred with joy and relief... and so he cried. He cried in sorrow for the son he had lost, and in joy for the Daughter he had gained... he felt two sets of arms patting his back. His co-workers.

"It's gonna be okay, Sam. You heard the kid... A bit shaken, but She'll pull through."

"Sheila is right, Sammy. Yer kids are too damn tough to let this  get em down. Plus they've got the old demon lookin after em. They'll be fine."

Sam laughed. "Ethan, if Kat ever heard you call her that she'd kick your ass."

"Don't I know it. She was a terror as a drill Sergeant. Still can't beleive you bagged her. Then again, they didn't call you crazy for nothing."

"Yeah. Kat was something special... scared me into Confessing to this meat-eating. Did you know she threatened to toss us in a sensory Deprivation Tank and lock us in, if I didn't come out and say it? And it worked."

"Too right. Only took ya two days to tell me why the hell we were locked in there."

"Wait. Did she actually?"

His friends nodded slowly.

"God I love that woman. And I know one thing, guys... We gotta work faster. I'm due for some time off, PAID time off at that. And I plan to take it. So let's get to dismantling these Old Bioweapons so I can go home." 

""YES CHIEF!""

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NOVEMBER. It had been six months since the incident. Emily and her family were living with her aunt now, after she Got up the nerve to come out to her family... her father got violent... she'd had us on a conference call at the time, and mom heard it. I forget sometimes that mom used to be a soldier. She was out the door as soon as she heard the address. After an hour, she cane back, And Emily abd her family crashed in our basement for a few days... Emily was in awe of mom. Said she showed up out of nowhere, stopped Frank, her father, from hitting her again... the bastard would have killed her, he'd grabbed a knife from the cabinet... her mom was bleeding in the hallway from where she tried to stop him, and she was terrified... then mom came in... half the bastards size, and a third his weight, and she suplexed him... then proceeded to beat the shit out of him til the police arrived... the cops know mom. They took one look the Emily's mom, at the bruises and cuts, then at Emily, with a slash mark on her arm, the bloody knife still In Frank's hand... and arrested the bastard. Mom took The family to the hospital, Emily had to get stitches, and her mom had a concussion and was kept overnight. Her little brother was fine, but showed evidence of poorly healed fractures In his arm and leg bones... they all did. The abuse had Been happening for a while. Hell, the shocking part was that mom wasn't alone, Alex was there at almost the same time. He's the one who called the cops.

But that's all passed... Emily is openly transitioning, Alex is spending a LOT of time with her(i think they might be secretly dating, which is weird as hell, considering their past relationship) and I've had some time to come to terms with... absolutely nothing. I'm plagued by nightmares, In which I'm Still guy me, still Andy, and im beating myself, Candy me, up... saying horrible, terrible things about myself... worse still, I've gotten so used to my new body, I hardly remember what it was like in my old one... 

It was around midnight when the dream came again... it was a sunny day... Little Candy was playing with dolls in a sandbox. I remember that day, except I was Andy then... but that dosent matter... because there was Andy. A shadowy, Overtall wraith with cold eyes and a cruel face.

"You can't keep lying to yourself. We both know this isn't real. That sandbox was a dirt mound. Those dolls were a toy robot and a truck. And we weren't in a fucking dress. Look at me!"

I didn't want to. I wanted to look away... but I couldn't. 

"This is who we are. This lanky monster. This... unlovable THING. We can't BE a cute little girl... because we werent." The colorful memory changed... And there he was, in monochrome... Andy. Then it started moving. Little Andy Staring at the girls in kindergarten... at their ribbons and long hair. I don't remember this... "Yes you do. Because I do. We thought 'I wish I could be pretty like that.' And then..." little Andy sighed... and went back to the picture he was coloring.

It moved again... Now Andy was 7, and being bullied again. "What a freak! You carry a Teddy Bear everywhere! You cry like a girl! Are you gonna cry, little girl?" "GIVE HIM BACK!" my memory is fuzzy... the teddy was a gift from a girl, but that's not why i liked it... it was cute. "But boys aren't allowed to like cute things." That's not true. Urg... my head hurts...

"STOP TURNING AWAY AND WATCH! See what we did. See why we don't deserve to be happy."

The memory was suddenly crystal clear... The Boy tore the head off the Teddy... and my eyes went blank. A flash, and the Teacher was pulling me off of him, the boy was unconscious, so pale... he was bleeding, and my hand was clutching a bloody rock...

"That's the first time we moved... mom always said it was because of dad's job, but no... it was because we almost killed that boy."

shut up. "No" Shut. Up. "Make Me!"

Shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up SHUT UP!

I Was holding my head... I was awake, but I couldn't see... all I could see was flash after flash of memories, feelings that I had suppressed, wishes made on every star at night... one single thing...

Andy looking across a clothing store at a dress. Andy passing a cute doll and glancing at it longingly, Andy, working in a women's shoe store,  and kearning all about them, just to feel a BIT Feminine... Waking up after the bomb, finding my body changed, my secret, almost forgotten wish come true... and knowing i couldn't accept it... I was a boy. Boys can't be pretty. Boys can't like cute things. Boys can't BE girls... but still... that little voice whispering...

"Starlight, Starbright, Pretty stars I see tonight... I wish I may, and wish you might, grant my hopeful wish tonight... i... I wish I was a girl."

A memory I had suppressed... a memory that HURT. Because it could never BE.

"See. You do remember. But look at us now? That foolish kid got her wish. Candy... We're a girl. We always were, but we weren't allowed to be..." Andy, his eyes still terrifying... my eyes... pushed my har back... "society stopped us back then... but Candy, Girl, what's stopping us now? No more avoiding the issue, my pretty self... I may be you, but you? You aren't Me. Not anymore. You are everything we always wanted... stop trying to hold on to me. Let me fade away and die... stop trying so hard to be Normal, Pretty Girl, and just BE."

And I was... suddenly and completely... I just WAS... 

And then I noticed I wasn't alone... mom was standing by my bed, looking worried, and strong arms were hugging me tight...

"Calm down, baby... calm down..."

"Dad?" My voice cracked... my throat was raw, and I realized I had been screaming.

"That's right... Daddys here... calm down..."

Then the tears started... "It... It HURTS... My heart Hurts..."

"An ambulance is on the way, Sweetheart... don't worry..."

"Dad... I... I'm sorry... I'm sorry I can't be Andy anymore... but i..I... I never really was... i... I HATED being me... It was painful... and when This happened, I was HAPPY... I could finally stop pretending... but then I felt guilty... like I was taking Andy away from you guys... so I tried to act like nothing had changed, the best I could... but then I realized how I felt when I talked to Emily... and then... God it HURTS..." 

my body was spasming. "Where the Hell is that Ambulance."

"Dad...... is it... okay... that... that I'm... a girl...?"

"Of course it is baby... now hold on... they're here, just hold on..."

"O... kay..." everything went dark.

_______________________________________

I had been home for fifteen minutes when Candy starred screaming... I was just giving Kat a kiss... we ran into her room, to see her jerking and screaming... I geld her, to prevent her from harming herself, while Kat called the ambulance... her heart rate was accelrating...

As they finally arrived, her heart slowed... then stopped... they managed to restart it... 

And now, I'm sitting here in an ICU room, listening to the hiss of a respirator and the rhythmic Beeping of the EKG... Candy still hadn't regained consciousness. It had been two days.

That damn bitch programed a kill code into the nanites. My old Buddy Fong Lee showed up, and gave me access to the code they'd gotten from the dead nanites... I was able to counteract that code... the other three victims came in for the Counter Injection... and the Boy Calling himself Red Scarlette wanted to stay... I barely got Kat to go home and rest... 

I held Candy's hand...

"You're gonna be fine, baby... you'll pull through... I'm right here beside you... you're gonna be okay..."

I almost didn't hear the weak, small voice... "dad?"

Candy was awake... her eyes were open, but unfocused.

"CANDY... Thank heavens... you're awake... thank god..God... I thought id lost you..."

I hugged her tightly... and my heart wrenched at her next words.

"Dad? Why can't I See anything? Is the power out? No... beeping... so... why can't I see?"

And my tears started flowing.