It took about an hour to receive news about what had exactly happened in the inner cave system. A few people came back to notify us that the dwarfs had successfully defeated or at least pushed back the goblins for now.

I was not familiar with the dwarfs that came to explain this to us, so I didn’t really ask them any extra questions, only listened to their tale.

It seems that the goblins have previously spotted our forces heading this direction and fully intended to corner us inside the inner part of the cave systems.

Unfortunately, it also came to light that this cave was not actually a goblin nest. The goblins would never endanger their nest with such bold tactics, after all. It also means that the source of the threat was not annihilated and we are going to see them in the near future.

The only reason the goblins have attacked us in such an underhanded method is that their nest must be in the vicinity, and if we actually gained a footing here, it would be in danger.

The goblins, after all, cannot win a straightforward battle against the much more superiorly armed and trained dwarfs.

However, as I have personally seen it multiple times, they are still a very formidable enemy. The goblins’ strength is in their numbers and their cunning tactics. They work together and never enter into a conflict that isn’t tilted in their favor.

This encounter was also a dangerous one. It once again could have ended tragically for us if I hadn’t summoned a powerful golem which has taken the goblins off guard.

Even if that was true, I felt a sense of relief since the current crisis had been averted. At least for now.

I was sitting on the side of Emrum, who had fallen asleep in the meantime. We have managed to stop the bleeding on his leg, but it took a considerable amount of effort and bandages since I was fresh out of mana. Once again, showing how useful my healing spell was. I probably should have expected that he would downplay the severity of his injury, or maybe he himself wasn’t aware of it.

It didn’t matter anymore since he was resting peacefully now. I looked over at him, hooking my arms around my pulled up knees. It was still frustratingly cold here. Especially without a blanket… I wasn’t willing to unpack all my stuff just yet, since I wasn’t sure if the camp will be made here, or somewhere else. Well… Maybe I should do that either way…

Aside from that, I have realized something important about the golem's functioning. The damn thing was constantly draining my magic. Making that thing was a huge pain in itself, but it kept sucking on my mana even when it wasn’t doing anything.

I also realized that its mana drain multiplied many folds if I ordered it to move. I was getting paler and paler by the minutes until I couldn’t handle it anymore. With an elongated sigh, I was forced to cut my connection to the golem.

I didn’t know what to expect and was preparing myself to see a crumbling pile of rocks any second now. However, that didn’t seem to happen. The golem remained standing and unmoving, just as it was previously.

I simultaneously felt the pressure on my tortured mana reserves ease.

On a sudden whim, I tried to reconnect my magic with the golem, and it succeeded. Easily revitalizing the giant construct, as if the connection had never been cut. The golem curiously turned its head in my direction, and the familiar pulsing in my temples appeared once again.

“Damn it…” — I cursed in a whisper. If I had realized this previously, I would have already gathered back some of my mana instead of wasting practically all of it.

Also… with this, my dreams of having an army of these golems were destroyed. Since each golem continuously drained my mana. It was impossible to control more than a couple at the same time, even if they were summoned beforehand. Well… definitely not with my current abilities.

I sighed, letting a part of my annoyance disperse. It’s not like it would be worth it here… This spell is simply not suitable for cave environments. The golem cannot leave the cavern in which I have summoned it because of its size.

I have used up about ninety percent of my mana, or even more. I knew it since I recognized the signs of mana exhaustion. I had already gone through it a few times and I knew that pushing it any further would cause me to faint. Meaning that it was unlikely for me to cast any new spells in the next few hours.

There was nothing else to do here but wait for the others to come back.

~oOo~

I have been staying there next to Emrum for about an hour, occasionally helping out Kol and Regmir with treating the injured, not that I could do much, since I was out of mana.

I have become aware of a group of people walking towards our direction. Based on their familiar strides and leisurely tempo, I didn’t worry about them. They were most definitely part of our returning forces.

Just as I expected, a group of dwarfs walked out of the tunnel. I had to blink and take a double glance at them to recognize the rag-tag, dirty and bloody group of dwarfs. It seems that the battle which ensued inside the cave was of equal ferocity.

I gulped as my eyes hovered over them, mentally counting the number of dwarfs. Of course, it was impossible to count them accurately while they were walking around. However, it was obvious that our numbers had dropped significantly. Well, at least if there weren’t any others left behind.

Counting the dead on our side and the seriously injured, I estimated that the clash with the goblins had caused us to lose about one fourth of our fighting capability. Most of those men were dead or injured so much that it was lucky for them if they lived to see the next morning, not even talking about the possibility of bearing weapons again.

As the returning army settled down, I found myself in the ring of a few unfamiliar dwarfs filled with worried expressions. I felt a hand grabbing my shoulder, turning me around on my axis.

I was just about to protest when I saw who the person doing the rude action exactly was.

“Sir? Lavacoat?” — Those surprised words left my mouth without thought.

His eyes narrowed slightly, but didn’t comment on me calling out to him like that. Instead, he demanded in a slightly accusatory voice. — “What are you gawking around, woman? Why don’t you go and help the injured like you did previously?”

I felt that suffocating knot immediately reforming in my throat. I glanced around, taking in all the worried expressions, suddenly realizing that everybody was waiting for me to do that miraculous healing magic.

I gulped. Glancing around quickly, a sense of panic sneaked into my overly pale expression. My throat tightened unnaturally, and I felt short of breath.

It took some effort and a few deep breaths to form the words. — “I… I can’t… I am out of mana…”

I heard a few sharp intakes of breaths around me, and saw as some of those worried expressions turned into dejected acceptance, while others flared with a blind sense of anger.

However, nobody seemed to dare to talk up while in the presence of the expedition commander.

Lavacoat’s expression seemed to tense up after hearing my response, but to my surprise, he accepted my words with a simple nod after a few seconds of thinking.

“That’s… unfortunate… Do you mind me asking how exactly have you managed to use it all up? I thought my orders were clear… your job was to close the entrances of the outpost…” — He followed up with his interrogative tone.

I straightened myself under his judgemental glare, my fingers tightening around the shaft of my staff unconsciously. — “We have been attacked and were about to be overwhelmed. In case you didn’t notice. I judged that it would be wiser to use my magic instead of keeping it for the afterlife, my liege.”

I expected a burst of anger as a reaction to my snappy tone, but I was tired, felt guilty for not being able to heal anyone, worried for my friends, and I didn’t like to be interrogated like some criminal.

True… maybe I should have just shut my mouth since I was apparently talking to a prince, but that didn’t really mean jack shit for me… I have never had to deal with actual princes and I was supposed to be a member of a powerful warrior clan now so fuck yeah.

The man seemed surprised for a second, then asked from one of the nearby dwarves. — “Is what she states true?”

Said dwarf shuffled in his place nervously. — “Ah… yes, my lord… the goblins have set a trap for us, and we walked right into it… I didn't mention it since it wasn’t a priority…”

Lavacoat interrupted him. — “I find this hard to believe… your forces were barely injured or tired… What happened to this army of goblins you have mentioned?”

A number of dwarfs present gave me a pointed look, then simultaneously turned to look at the huge golem that was still standing in the background, completely still while being covered in black blood, which gave it an ominous aura.

The golem cut from my continuous mana supply was little more than a perfectly carved giant statue at the moment, albeit one that had the potential to come alive at my command. Those who weren’t present at the battle mostly overlooked its added presence standing by the wall.

Lavacoat’s eyes followed the gaze of his soldiers. His frustrated blue eyes widened into large saucers the moment his brain connected the silent implications. Seeing the perfectly carved, five or six meter tall plate armored human form covered in black blood definitely left an impression on the dwarf prince.

His head snapped back towards me, and a slight shiver ran up my lower back as I seemed to catch an ominous glint in those crystal blue eyes. A question followed almost immediately. — “Is that a golem? Your creation, I assume?”

I nodded slowly, feeling a sense of danger looming over me. I felt that the man who was acting utterly disinterested in my direction was starting to become worryingly interested. And I didn’t like the change in the slightest.

“But to be able to raise a golem of such power on your own accord… and with earth attribute… this is an incredible achievement.” — The man stated, his eyes staring at me with a possessive glint mirrored in them.

I slowly stepped back, feeling uncomfortable. — “Ah… uhm… not at all…” — I scratched the back of my head awkwardly. — “This is… it was actually my first time to… even attempt this spell… so… It can’t even leave the cavern… because it’s size… and all…” — I blabbered on, while trying to get out of the encirclement.

“Whoaa!?” — “That cannot be!” — “She says, it was her first attempt to do that spell!” — “She must be lying, how could that be true?” — An argument broke out between those who were on my side and those who accused me of shamelessly exaggerating my achievements in front of the prince.

I choose that particular moment of chaos to slip away. Leaving behind those arguing fools.

I rolled my eyes, heading towards the place where the injured were brought. I still had this sense of guilt for not being able to help them with my magic… Only if I have figured out earlier the exact nature of the golem summoning spell, I might have enough mana now to heal some of their injuries…

Alas, that was not the case now, and the precious little I still had was not something I was willing to waste on healing spells. I needed to spare some in case the goblins came back with reinforcements.

When I got back to the impromptu campsite that was made for the injured, I found a lot of dwarfs already doing their best to ease their comrades’ injuries. I quickly realized that without my magic, I wasn’t really that experienced at giving first aid. I had nothing to do there.

Before I could slip away once again, I noticed a waving hand among the throng, and realized that Emrum had woken up thanks to the general cavalcade created by returning soldiers.

I also saw the rest of my companions sitting around him, being immersed in their general banter. Seeing them, even Regmir, made me sag with relief. They were a lot worse for wear, true. Covered in a special mixture of sweat, blood, and dirt. Their armors were more damaged than before. Ripped chain mails and partially broken, or chipped away plate armor dotted with a plethora of new dents. Some parts loosely hanging on untied or partially cut leather strips.

What was important, though, was that they were without life-threatening injuries. Seeing them like that finally allowed me to loosen some of the highly strung tension which I had been struggling with since the start of the battle.

I took a deep breath, realizing that my arms were shaking once again, not that hard like when I healed those dwarfs a few days back, but it was still worrying.

When I looked down at my hands, a flashback of a memory appeared. A memory containing dismembered flying body parts hitting against the wall, followed by those dull distant thuds. Then another memory of a giant halbert crushing into the lines of goblins creating the sound of that sickening scrunch. The small hairs were standing straight on the back of my neck as those memories flashed in front of my eyes.

A cold icy thought dug into my heart, as the terrible realization occurred to me. I have killed them. I have massacred a bunch of intelligent beings… creatures that were just as aware of their life and inevitable death as I was. True… they were little more than barbarians in their general ways of living, and they were the ones that attacked us first, but it didn’t change the fact that I, in cold blood, have killed such creatures without blinking an eye.

And…

That was not the true reason I felt so shocked. The real reason was slightly different. What worried me the most was the fact that I didn’t feel anything about it.

True… I threw up from the combination of sight, sound and smell… but aside from disgust… there was no regret, or an enlightening sense, that I had stepped into some mysterious realm of killers from which there was no return.

No… nothing like that… I felt normal, safe…

Should I be feeling like that, after doing such a horrible thing? Is something wrong with me?

Those questions from that day onwards were going to haunt me occasionally, and I didn’t have an acceptable answer to them…