Holiday Spirit

By Cassie Sandwich and Dark Sun Morrigan 

I make my way past the foyer into the rumpus room, following Sam and Lacy. The fact this house even has a rumpus room blows me away, frankly. You’d think it’d have been converted into something more practical when our families stopped having ages in the single digits running around. 

Sam gestures her way at the door. “Ladies first.” I roll my eyes and slip past, perusing the random board games they had laying around in piles on the childish plastic armoire. 

I pick a random one up off the top of the pile. “Oh shit, you’ve got Mousetrap! Why don’t we play that one instead?” 

Lacy closes the door behind her, and dims the lights down. “We have, like, half of Mousetrap. Maybe a third by this point. I’m pretty sure some parts evaporate the second you open the lid the first time.” 

Sam giggles and flicks me playfully on the nose. “C’mon, Cath. Stop being a scaredy cat, and grab the board.” 

I grumble softly, shifting around for the stupid trinket. It has some sort of official name, but I can never remember it for the life of me. “I’m not afraid of the stupid thing! I just want to spend my holiday doing something more interesting.” Why did we even have to break away from the rest of the family again? I was fine sitting around drinking with my aunts and parents. 

Sam cocks her hip and looks at me sideways. “Oh, really? If this isn’t good enough, then the offer still stands.” 

I go a little pale, snuggling deeper into my hoodie. “I don’t need a makeover. What’s wrong with the stuff that I have?” 

“Because it makes you lo–” She cuts herself off before she finishes, but I know exactly what she was going to say. I think the same thing all the time. 

Sam has the grace to look apologetically at me, but I don’t really hold it against her. The air just got really awkward really quickly. Lacy walks up, pats me on the shoulder, and tries to smooth things out. “You look great, don’t get us wrong. But wouldn’t it be fun to, you know, expand your horizons?” That actually annoyed me. I can’t stand when people aren’t honest with me to try and protect my feelings.

I shake my head and move away from her. I love my cousins, I do. But they have that ‘clueless cis ally’ vibe to them that can really grate on you. Plus, they don’t really know me no matter how supportive they try to be. Not when we really only see each other at family gatherings like this. No one really did except…

“Look,” I say, “no harm no foul. It’s ok, I just wanna play the silly ghost game. Where’s that stupid board?” Sam smiles and points behind me, somewhere in the big pile of board games that I’m certain haven’t been touched since the 00’s when we were all kids. 

Of course it’s behind where I can’t get, so I have to dig my arms as far back as I can reach them to feel around for it. As I reach up and fumble around for it my fingers brush the smooth plastic triangle. Well, brush is a much softer word than what I did. I knocked the damned thing to the floor along with maybe ten other boxes as I clumsily grabbed the board itself. 

“Uh, sorry. I guess I'm still all thumbs,” I say as I lean over to pick up the… Uh, yeah, that’s what it’s called. a planchette. Stupid name.

“Don’t worry so much, it’s not like it’ll break,” says Sam.

Lacy shakes her head. “You shouldn’t tempt fate like that, Sam. What if we can’t close the portal because it snaps in half?”

I laugh, walking over to them. Lacy has always been so superstitious, I’m surprised she hasn’t burnt this thing out of fear already. “Okay,” I say, “so where do you want it?” 

“Over here on the rug.”

I hand it to Lacy, then sit down. “Can’t believe you still have this thing. I think the one I had as a kid is in a storage locker or something.”

“What? I can’t hold onto stuff? It’s not like I’m a hoarder or something…”

“She didn’t say that, Lacy,” says Sam, sitting next to me.

Lacy scoffs. “It was a joke. Now Cath, the planchette.”

I place the thing on the ouija board, the little cutout circle over the “C” on the board. “So, now what?”

“Come on, you’ve seen the films. We each place two of our fingers on the planchette then ask a question of the spirits,” says Lacy before she leans forward to touch the planchette.

Sam places her fingers on it as well, looking over to me, expectantly.

“Well shit, now I gotta too,” I say as a half-joke, touching the planchette as well.

“Who wants to ask first?” Lacy shoots me a look. “You know, you got it down, so you get the first ask.”

“Do I have to?” The other pair both give me the side eye. I shift around a bit anxiously. “I don’t know what to ask.”

Sam laughs. “It’s a board game, Cath. It’s made by Hasbro. Just ask the first thing on your mind.”

“But!” I pale. “It’s embarrassing…”

 Lacy smiles. “Good! It’s like truth or dare, but Casper answers for you. That’s the only real way to play this.”

I bite my lip, and glance down at the board. “Okay, okay. So, spirits… Did I… Did I make the right choice?” I hoped being vague wouldn’t make this too awkward a question.

We all wait; wait for the spirits or whatever makes it move to happen. Just before I was about to yell at my cousins to actually move the puck already, the damn thing wrenches itself over to the “W”, to “H”, followed by “I”, on and on until it manages to spell out its own question: “Which choice, Catherine?” 

I reel back from the board and bump my head on the floor as I fall backward. “The fuck?” I sit back up, but the entire room has grown hazy, foggy. I can barely see in front of my face with the lights down this low, let alone see my cousins. I call out, but I don’t hear Sam or Lacy say anything in return. “Not funny, girls! Anyone wanna give me a hand?” Still nothing. “Please?”

A pale hand reaches out for me. “Come on, sit back up.” 

I stare at the hand, my eyes drifting down to see its owner. It can’t be. She’s...

“You’re dead.” And now she’s seeing me. The damn mess. 

“Yeah!” She giggles at me. “That’s how the board works.”

She grabs my hand and pulls me to my feet, but the shock of her actually touching me causes me to crumple again. That… Ok, so I know it’s not a hallucination of mine. Ali is actually standing in front of me. She’s actually here.

“Ali, I-I’m sorry, I just...”

She cocks her head to the side. “What are you sorry for?”

“I… I mean, I’m… Like this.” I laugh nervously, gesturing towards myself. “Like, this can’t be what you expected I’d end up like.”

She laughs with me. It’s a sweet sound, one I missed. “Like what? A boymoder?”

I blink. Fucking what? I did not just get called a goddamn boymoder by the ghost of my dead friend. I mean, I am. But it feels the same way as hearing your mother accurately use modern slang; like a flashbang going off inches from your face leaving you dazed and entirely off balance.

I sputter indignantly, Ali just giggling at my reaction. Soon, though, we calm down. Then she just takes my hand and pulls me up for good. It’s so easy for her when sometimes I can’t even fall out of bed on my own. She’s not even touching the ground. 

Seeing her face to face again, it’s entirely too much. I squeeze her tightly, and she hugs me back tight. Tears are streaming down my face. I can feel a huge smile tugging on the edges of my cheeks. “Holy shit, I missed you girl.”

“I missed you too, Catherine.” I nearly back out again in shock, but she squeezes me harder and I just fall back into her arms. “Oh, don’t act surprised. You had to know I was watching you.”

“Yeah… But I thought that you would…” I felt stupid saying this out loud, but I needed to take this opportunity for everything I had. “I don’t know, get mad at me.”

She pulls me across from her, locked at the shoulders, a mock angry face on. “Catherine! Did you really have that little faith in me?” She breaks character, mussing what hair of mine she can while the rest is in its ever-present low ponytail, contrasting her preppy high one. “I could never be mad at you over something like this, bestie. You’re just being yourself.” 

“Yeah, but…” I look away from her slightly. “I’m not being the myself that was yours. Like, you were almost like a sister to me. The closest anyone got to me. And you didn’t know, because I didn’t know.”

She grabs my chin and moves it back to face her. “You knew something was wrong. You were the best friend I could ever ask for, but we both knew something was up.” 

I shake my head (well, as much as I could with her hand holding my chin still). “I didn’t know, though. And I thought I would have time to figure it out. That you would be there always. And then, one day you weren’t.” I look up at her. Even after all these years and all these changes, she’s still taller than me. “I’m not blaming you, of course. It’s not your fault. But I had to keep going without you. And when I did, I made pretty obvious realizations. And that meant that I had to get rid of that kid who was your best friend. I started changing. And the more I changed, the more I thought, like… I was betraying our memories. You wouldn’t know who I was anymore, and that was taking something away from who you were. It wasn’t fair to you.” 

This time, she does put on an actual serious face. It wasn’t stern, or angry. It’s gentle, with a soft smile. “You have to know that I wouldn’t want you to be miserable like that. That’s not the kid I grew up with. You were always so happy-go-lucky. You never let anything get in your way. You weren’t afraid to come play princesses with me any less than you were to have me play games at your place. Literally nothing phased you.” 

I scrunch my face up slightly. “Play princesses? I don’t remember ever doing that…” 

She laughs. “Now that actually hurts. C’mon Scrooge, let me show you.”

She nods over her shoulder to her left, and finally breaks the hug. The room around us had gone from cloudy to an almost mystic foggy white void, so quickly that I didn’t even notice it. Most of it was empty, and vast; but where she nodded things started to resolidify. I wonder my way over towards it, like a hazy memory made flesh. 

“Ali, this is your…” Her childhood bedroom. Well, her always bedroom, since she never made it out of her teens. But this is how it was when we were little kids; bright pink before she complained it was too babyish and it was painted deep red, before she was gone and it was painted a clinical white. Maybe even the year we met.

Something runs past me on the right side. I look to see what Ali is doing, but it wasn’t her. It was a small kid, giggling, waving a stick around as a sword, blanket draped over their shoulders. “The brave knight has arrived! Get out here, Dragon! I’m here to save the princess!” 

It’s Ali, as a little kid. Giggling, running up to a few makeshift pillows and blankets thrown up to be a fort. I remember this game now. I would play the dragon, and we would clash in an epic that would make Tolkien weep. And out from the blanket fort I came, holding her massive plush lizard, ready to bat it around, just like I remembered. What I didn’t remember, however, was the pink princess costume thrown haphazardly on top of my little baby shirt and jeans combo. I guess I didn’t just play the dragon, no, I was her princess too.

The two of us laughed, jumping around each other, me throwing the plush around and growling like a demon. And then, the plush flew out of my hands, Ali holding her ‘sword’ up into the air. The younger me gave a cheer, swooning into her knight. “My hero!” The two of them collapsed into giggles.

“You always wanted to be the princess,” Ali said from behind me, holding my shoulder softly. “Which was fine by me, since I always wanted to be the knight.” 

“Why don’t I remember this?” 

I can feel her shrug from behind me. “Probably wasn’t that important for you. You were a little kid at the time. You clearly loved it, you would always ask to be the princess. Or to paint nails with me, or play dolls, all sorts of girly things. We would play the boy stuff over at your house. I can’t say why exactly you don’t remember, but it mattered to you then. You probably just don’t remember because you were a literal child.” 

“I…” I didn’t complete my thought. I try racking my memories, and little glimpses of what she said floated up to the surface. Small tea parties and pretend games and other ways I’d find to be a princess or a magical girl or… Sometimes just a regular girl. It was there, clearly, but it never really registered as a ‘thing’. It was just part of being with Ali.

I cross my arms and huff in a classic gamer pose. “Ok, yeah, hindsight was pretty obvious here. But you were a kid too, and you didn’t see it there. If we didn’t remember it, it didn’t really matter.” 

She got a cocky look on her face. “Ok, then. If early memories aren’t good evidence, let’s try a late one. I know you’ll remember this convo.” Wait. Oh god, not this one. I cringe internally as she slips behind me and pivots me sharply to the right, facing outside of the three quarters room.

Suddenly I’m surrounded by grass and hills, the stars twinkling above us. It was the most bizarre thing, the inky black of the deep night surrounded our immediate selves, but it soon faded to the bright murky white of the void if you looked towards the edges.

I used to love this clearing, down by the tracks. Me and Ali would hang out here all the time, watching the stars, shooting the shit, etcetera. After Ali was gone, I never came back. I don’t know if she was controlling the visions or not, but I’m thankful that whatever was had the memory of the scenery cut off before the tracks. I wouldn’t be able to think about anything else.  

Near our feet, laying up and staring up at the moon, were teenage me and teenage Ali, just a few years before the end. They were giggling, pointing at particularly impressive constellations. I looked over myself; still with that bright smile, but clearly more hampered, dulled. Puberty wasn’t kind to that poor kid. I don’t know at what I cringed at more; Ali seeing how much I’ve changed, or how little I have. 

Soon, there was a lull in the conversation, and the question I dreaded came up. “Say, Ali,” the young, naive me asked, “what’s it like?” The dumbest question I’ve ever heard. 

Young Ali looks over to young me. “What’s what like? The stars?” She lays back down onto the grass. “Hot and gassy. Relatable.” 

“No! You know. Being a girl.” Jesus christ, kid. You’re nearly an adult.

She laughs, because of course she does. My Ali giggles behind me, too. “Really? Aren’t we a little old to be playing doctor?” 

Young me sighs. “No, for real. Like, what’s it like? Is it weird? Or nice? Or, what?”

Young Ali shrugs, scootching closer to her me. “It just is. I can’t really describe it, man. I’ve never really thought about it. I haven’t exactly had anything to compare it to. Why, what’s being a guy like?” 

Young me clams up tightly. A few minutes pass, and she just whispers out quietly. “It’s awful.” No further elaboration, or conversation. Young Ali just lets her pinky entwine with hers, as the two look back up into the sky.

Eventually the sky brightens, the stars bleeding back out into the white void. Eventually the mist swallows up everything but me and my Ali, who hugs me tightly from behind. “See?” she asks. “It wasn’t exactly the hardest guess on the planet, Cath. It’s not a shock to see you like this, because weren’t you always?” 

I stew for a few minutes, holding onto the feeling of her arms around my belly. “So you’re saying that you, what? Always knew?”

She laughs, gliding back over to face me, pulling her hair down and fluffing it out. “No, dumdum. I didn’t ‘know’ anymore than you did. Probably less. I maybe had a feeling by the end. I’m certain you had a lot more of a hold on it by then.” I blush. It might not have been knowledge yet, but there were certainly enough ‘intrusive thoughts’ by then that they were getting hard to pretend they weren’t just thoughts. 

“So what was the point of any of this? Why show me these things? Why come at all?”

“To change your wicked ways, right Scrooge?” She play scoffs, then laughs and flicks me on the nose. “Do I need a reason to come see my bestie? Not everything needs a reason. Besides, you were the one who asked the question. What did you want out of it, Catherine?” 

I rub my arm softly, snuggle into my oversized hoodie, unsure of how to answer that question. 

When I don’t answer, she smiles, pulling my hair out of its ponytail, playing with it. “Of course you made the right choice. You’re being more true to the Cath I knew growing up than the one you think I did. But, listen. What I would have cared about doesn’t matter. This is gonna sound trite, but girl. You’re alive. You need to live. I want to see that bubbly girl I remember when I look down on you. I want to see you happy. Stop stopping yourself, and especially stop doing it in my honor. If you want to honor me, live your best life.” 

She stops playing with my hair, scooping a part behind one of my ears. “You have such pretty hair, Cath. Nice and curly. I’m sure you can do better when you get back, but this will do.” 

I stop. “When I get back? Is it… Are we?” 

She smiles and nods, grabbing one of my hands and sliding both my black and her red ties around the wrist. “Portal’s closing. You got your answer.” 

I pout. “It can’t be over already. Don’t I get a ghost of Christmas future?”

She laughs, booping me on the nose. “Don’t be greedy. Wasn’t I enough, sugar?”

Before she can leave, I squeeze her tight. “I love you, Ali. I miss you.” 

She squeezes back tight. “And I missed you, Cath. Now, don’t you dare come back too soon.” 

I stand there as long as I can, just holding her tight, eyes shut as hard as I could get them lest I sob away. But, eventually I feel my arms grow lighter, and I open my eyes. Nothing but cloudy white everywhere around me. Still, I smile. 

“Cath? Helloooo, Cath?” Suddenly there’s a snapping in front of my face. I whip my head around to find Sam sitting there. The room’s there too, just as I left it. “Earth to Cath! Are you going to ask your question already?” 

I look around, at her, at Lacy. Huh? “Didn’t I already ask…” 

Lacy rolls her eyes. “No goober, you just sat there and zoned out for, like, an entire minute. Either go, or we’re gonna skip you” 

Did I just hallucinate that all? I reach up to scratch at my head, and then run some loose strands behind my ear. Wait… My hairtie’s gone! I pat down myself, the floor behind me, my pockets, before noticing… It’s there, on the wrist Ali put them on. Mine, and hers…

I stand up, staring at the ties on my wrist, pulling them up into my fingers. Sam and Lacy just glance at each other, but I pay them no mind. “I… I change my mind. I don’t really want to play this right now.” 

Both of them groan, collapsing into each other. “Okay,” Lacy says, “then what does the princess want to play? If none of our suggestions are good enough for her.” 

I look at the tie in my hand, and think back to the conversation that… That me and Ali had. “Actually, Sam?” I turn to the younger of my cousins. “Does that offer still stand?” 

She rockets up next to me, practically with stars in her eyes. “Does that mean!” 

I laugh, and smile at her. “Yeah. Let’s do it, let’s have that makeover.”

She no shit squeals like a teen at an anime con, and then grabs my wrist. “Ohmygod, ok, ok, I have the perfect dress for you! And with your hair and a nice sharp wing, oh you’re gonna look amazing for the rest of the party!” 

“Wait, what? You said try it out, you said nothing about keeping it on!” But Sam just laughs, dragging me up the stairs, Lacy following behind.

Lacy laughs behind me. “Oh, trust me Cuz. If you give her an inch she’ll take a mile. I hope you like it, because I guarantee she’s already planning out all the shopping dates and spa days for the new year.” 

“Hey! I’m not that bad sis! Just, like, maybe one or two…” Lacy laughs, Sam laughs. I can’t help it, I laugh. We run up the rest of the way to her room, giggling like teens.

CassieSandwich

Christmas Day! So I haven't missed it! You there boy, take these coins and go run to the store and buy the frilliest dress you can!

Hello everyone! This story was written by myself and Dark Sun Morrigan for The fourth annual Secret Santa bundle! Thirty festive queer stories by over thirty of your favorite trans authors, all for one low price~ If you liked this story, you're gonna like the rest. Give it a read! Happy holidays, and happy reading!

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