“Mm…?” my eyes open to Nemuri wrapped around me, sleeping spread out on top of me with her hair in my face and hand hanging off the side of the bed. She shifts a little and rises, rolling over and curling into my side.
“Nemuri?”
“Mmmmm? Lemme sleep…” she groans, “Lemme sleep, Loverboy…”
“Says the lady who put me to sleep last night…” I giggle, kissing her on the top of her head. She looks up at me with her shining azure eyes, her beauty mark not alone because there’s one on her right breast and I can’t help but focus on it.
There’s a warm laugh, “Honey, my eyes are up here.” I shake my head and she sighs with a smile on her face.
“Sorry, just… sorry…” I mumble and she kisses me and it feels like it normally does. There’s just this quiet moment of realizing what I’ve been through. What it took to get here. Nemuri moves back, stretches, a soft strain of a breath puffs out and I get up, don’t even bother with stretching, and shuffle off towards the kitchen.
Sushi greets me with a bump with his head on my hand. I scratch his ears and Nemuri drifts in, the cat rushing right over to her and going crazy with the rubbing. She kneels down and scoops him up, burying her face softly into his fur.
“Mm, morning!” she exclaims, definitely more of a morning person than I am. I get the coffee beans out and set them in the grinder, grinding them with the sound swirling through the air. I grind them myself.
It’s better that way than the machine ground coffee. Into the machine it goes, freshly ground and filtered and out in two cups, one black and one purple with red on it. She buys some of her own more obscure merch.
Nemuri wraps her arms around my middle, “God, last night was incredible…” she sighs, soft brushes of her eyelashes against the back of my neck make me shiver a little. Butterfly kisses. My hand quests for the sugar and I dump a good four or five spoonfuls to banish the bitter taste, grabbing the creamer to do the same.
Nemuri doesn’t do much to her’s. She just dumps sugar in it, and then goes to the liquor fridge. She hesitates and draws her hand back. I wonder if she has something to talk about because that’s not exactly normal. Some days my fiancee just wants to get drunk and I let her. Although the concoctions are like tabasco sauce and some other things. She’s not a drink mixologist at all. It’s a silly thing she does and I love that about her.
“Are you okay, Nemuri?” My voice is soft, not angry, not emotive. Just… there. She turns her head to look over her shoulder, her lovely azure eyes fill with some kind of murkiness. Her steps are quick as she sits next to me, her coffee in her hands.
“I’m okay, it’s just…” she looks back down at her coffee. She’s hiding something or is really wary or guarded and I don’t like it. So here goes.
“Are you pregnant, Nemuri?” My question hits her like a bullet train and she throws up her hands, caught off guard and trying to defuse it. Or almost does, sloshing the coffee onto the tablecloth.
“What?! What?! No, no. I’ve been taking the pills. Don’t worry, baby.” she sputters and smooths her robe out, “I’ve… well…”
Her hands wrap around mine, “Sometimes I’ve thought about it. If we have a little me or you running around someday. But…” she lets go and touches my cheek, her eyes meeting mine.
“With how you are mentally right now, I don’t think we need a baby. You just focus on trying to get over whatever weird stuff your father conditioned you with.” she leans up, kissing my forehead with a protectiveness I haven’t really felt before.
At least not how I remembered it. There’s a part of me that always rises, always comes out and tells me ‘We don’t deserve this.’ Everything sort of becomes worse. The thought becomes a stream, a stream, a river, a river, an ocean. Waves crash against me, sinking lower and lower into hell itself. My thoughts all scream as Nemuri gently touches my arms.
“Koyurei? Honey?” she asks, and that’s when it starts. My breath comes out in short gasps, the world collapsing into a single point. A single thing I could see. Everything else becomes a loud thunder, a rapid thundering beat that breaks everything apart and sends me to the floor.
"Koyurei, Koyurei baby I'm right here." Nemuri's voice echoes, so distant. Why is it so distant? Where is she? I... I can't... I can't.
Can't. I can't. I'll be alone. I'll die alone. Unwanted. Unneeded. I... I won't... I can't... No no no. I'm fine. I'm fine, really! Just... just smile, Koyurei! That shows-
Then I feel it, her soft manicured hands on my shoulders, her voice lowering a bit, "Koyurei, breathe... In. Out. In. Out." she smiles as my lungs pull and push, "That's it, honey... okay."
"Hands." I say, reaching up and grabbing her's, "Your hands. Sushi. The... the TV. The bedroom door. The table." I gulp.
"Good. Feel anything?"
“I know. I know. It's... it's just…” I look away, “I just remembered something really bad, and I'm sorry.” She lets me lean against her soft body, focusing on her heartbeat.
“You don't have to apologize for something out of your control.”
Nodding, I close my eyes, “I just can't let myself be happy about this. It’s like my mind is just telling me I don’t deserve it.” Nemuri squeezes me and I just collapse. I try to stay strong, but if I can’t be strong, if I can’t be a hero… what then? What’s my new path? A husband? A father? Nemuri sits me down and heads back to our room to get ready for the day ahead, she lingers a bit when she goes to the door.
“If you have any problems at all today, promise me that you’ll call?”
“Yeah, I will.” She kisses me goodbye and opens the door, shutting it behind her and leaving me with the cat. I guess I could spread the news a bit. Not by much, but… I wanna start on our guestlist.
I lay on my back, trying to think of whoever could come to the wedding. Of course there’s Mom if she can, Fuyumi, Natsuo, Shoto, and Nemuri’s folks and siblings. Is this really it? All I can think of? I close my eyes, trying to banish the thoughts away. The bad ones, the good ones, just them in general that storm inside my head. It was easier when I was Enavant. When I was that hero, striding on the stage, playing my part…
I was angry.
So, so angry.
The flames would burst from my body like an untamed beast, a dragon bellowing out his challenge to the world, a message that was flung wide. Other heroes would get out of my way, villains would give up. My father would smile, say that he was proud of me. But I don't get it. I don’t get why I want to go back to that. Go back to the strings because the freedom was a little much. The life I wanted was a far cry away right?
No, it’s closer now. Maybe I’m scared of messing it up? Nemuri makes this so much more effortless, so much more happy, more kind. Then there’s me, scared of change and scared that I’ll end up hurting her like my father did to my mother. All I can do is try to give life the finger and just march on. The TV turns on and I take out the DVD of GoRangers the Movie: Mother of GoRangers. The mother always reminded me of my own, how kind and strong she was, how gentle and tough.
But then she dies at the end to help her children escape to Earth. The Father becomes the evil Dark Sword who wants to plunge the world into evil and chaos, not even caring about his family or the new idol the young GoRangers look up to.
Alpha carries Beta on his back, “I have you brother! I have you!” They’re surrounded by an exploding mine and Beta lets go as Alpha’s running away. I pause it and fast forward, I don’t want to remember that.
But it’s still there. Every time I look in the mirror is the consequences of that day. The testament and the promise to my older brother that I’d always carry his torch. Then my phone rings with an unknown number, it’s not normal. Not a lot of people have my phone number. Not even a phonebook would, but I answer anyway, it’s gotta be a wrong number, right? There’s a nervous breath on the other end, a slow breath in and out. There’s a moment of silence.
“Hello?” I ask.
Silence.
“Uhm, you might have the wrong number…” I state, “I mean, not a lot of people know my number so…”
There’s another awkward few seconds, “Listen if this is a prank-”
“It’s good to hear your voice again, Koyurei Todoroki.” a scratchy, and familiar voice says on the other end. Tears sting my eyes, it can’t be him. I’m hallucinating. There’s-
“Listen, don’t bother trying to find me, we’ll see each other again.”
I almost don’t want him to hang up, “Toya-” My phone beeps twice, and it’s over. Was that a message from beyond the grave? Am I just too emotionally drained? Is it just the fact that I’m still extremely, extraordinarily traumatized to the point where I wanted my brother back so my brain made this up? It doesn’t feel right. It shouldn’t be a thing but it is.
But I don’t keep it in my head for long, I have things to do and musing on the past and this new information will have to wait. I’m gonna get married soon, and well I have to attend to my duties. I heft up my fiance’s hamper, piled with clothes and lingerie and normal underwear. She switches on the fly, it’s pretty strange. I do it properly, my mind not even dwelling on the idea that my brother could still be alive. I mean we only found a jawbone fragment, where’d the rest of him go?
Just focus on cleaning, Koyurei. Focus on what you’re doing. But there’s something deep down, something… still so confused. Still so angry. Still that same child trying hard to live with what I have. To survive and endure to the next day. Is that right? No. Is it wise? Also no. I’m just trying to live. I begin to fix dinner for myself, eyes on my food, laundry’s done and the rooms are clean, catbox is clean. Everything is okay and in working order.
That’s when my phone rings again, this time it’s from someone I didn’t even know still had my number from years ago, “Hello?”
“KOYUREIII!” My old friend Keigo crows, “Howzit going? You doing okay?”
I flinch away from the speaker, “Yeesh, Kei! You’re gonna caw my ear deaf! What’s the deal?”
“Well, I heard about you and Midnight. Seriously, you and her? You know me and you would blow Endeavor’s gaskets even more~!” he has a sing songy tone and I almost wanna reach through and throttle him.
That’s why we never got far. He'd push my father’s buttons. He was a friend, then I got curious, turns out he just wanted to get close to my father because he wanted to mess with him or something. He told me to break it off and I did. That didn’t mean Keigo and I weren’t going to be friends anymore, just that it made things pretty awkward between us. So here I am, about to be married, talking with an ex.
“So… you need a best man?”
“Nah, gonna ask Natsuo.”
“Solid.”
Silence again, then he speaks.
“Listen, Koyurei… I’m sorry.” he sounds sincere, “Like, really really sorry. I didn’t mean to use you and I hope you and Nemuri are happy together. You…” he takes a breath.
“You deserve someone who makes you happy, Ko-chan.” he sounds like he’s gonna cry, “After all, maybe… maybe I can still keep your other ex off your back, huh?”
“The less said about her, the better…” I sigh, “Now you have a good night, Kei. Don’t overdo it.”
“You got it.” he agrees with an almost cocksure tone. I smile and hang up, perfecting my dinner for one. Well, Nemuri SHOULD be back by now. It’s not that late. She’d tell me if she’d be home late and she didn’t. That doesn’t sound right. I press her name in my contacts just to call her, and now my mind is going a mile a minute just trying to call her. The dial tone rings, and rings, and rings… and then…
“Babe, I have to call you back!” Nemuri yells, it sounds like she’s speeding down the road somewhere, “I’ll be home in time for dinner, I promise!”
Hang up.
Damn.
I start to cook her portion, putting her favorites in, making sure it’s perfect. I turn on the TV and…
“This just in, the R-rated Heroine Midnight is in hot pursuit of the thieves who stole the Kaenshita Family Sword at the Osaka Museum of History!” the anchor yells, “So far, she’s the only one who’s kept pace with them!”
There she is, wild hair billowing from underneath a helmet, wearing her special road version of her outfit, more red and black and the black being tough leather just to reduce friction. Her motorbike was a souped up model of a Yamaha that she fine-tuned herself, the pink lighting on the sides being a catch-all to tell that Midnight was coming after you. In fact it’s barely even a Yamaha anymore, it’s a Kayama original called the Nightbike. I’ve seen it all up close, but not much in action. She’s being really serious tonight. Panic fills me as she goes into a tunnel, speeding just close enough to the villains to try to run them off the road.
If I was out there, I’d coordinate with her to try to chase them into a narrower space and then aim for their tires to knock them- That’s when I see it, pink and black and proud, skidding out of the tunnel. She almost sticks it but it’s a rough end. She gets off fully and takes off her helmet, the other side absolutely silent. The anchor’s report goes into the soft ringing in my ears. Then I see her wind her whip around her free hand, her other hand holding the handle just right. Then… red needle-like projectiles tear out of nowhere, Nemuri dodging and weaving away from them.
Shit! I know those! They’re- No. No no no! It can’t be…
The cameraman tries to zoom in but a needle gets it. I try to switch channels to catch it but all of them have technical difficulties. There’s a moment where I think it’ll be over, but then there’s nothing I can do but…
Oh to hell with that! My fiance is out there fighting on the front lines against a villain I know! Time for a quick comeback! I get up, stash the food away, and rush to our room, digging through the closet for my old hero suit. Just as I’m about to, the door opens. Standing there, overly tired and helmet in the crook of her arm, is Nemuri. Staggering in with a heavy sigh and arms spread wide with the helmet clunking on the floor is my fiance.
“Hey baby…” she sighs as I sweep her into my arms, “Whoa-ho! What’s the matter?”
“I thought you’d-”
“Die? Aw, Koyurei…” she runs her hands through my hair and kisses me fondly on the forehead, even though that doesn’t make it much better there’s this sense of true relief that she made it back safe.
She made it home and I’m so happy to see her that I start crying, burying myself into her embrace and sobbing because I almost went back to the safety blanket. The assurance that I could always be a hero again.
I never want to go back. I never even want to think about it again. Nemuri quiets my cries with a soft kiss to my lips, I need to become a better man. I need to find myself. I need to build him up, I need to remake myself. Nemuri and I set the table together, with her sitting down heavily and trying not to move much. She’s hurt, I know she is. She has a bad habit of not telling me she’s hurt at all.
“Nemuri, take off your hero costume…” I sigh, seeing her almost say no but I see a darker spot in the black fabric, so I tear it gently, her quirk not wafting at all and I see a gash that’s not even deep but it looks like it hurts.
The way she’s barely smiling, just trying to grit her teeth and bear it is something I can’t take.
As I get the first aid stuff Nemuri looks at me with an almost, ‘let me do it myself’ expression. But I just hit her with the ‘You’re hurt and I’m worried’ one. So I get the thread and start stitching after she pops some painkillers. She just wanted to come home. I get it. I heat up my hand and she bites her wrist, my flames are orange but that’s just because I’m cauterizing, not burning. She whimpers and lets out a soft cry at the pain but here I am.
“Shh, shhh… it’s okay, Nemuri. It’s alright. It’ll only hurt for a bit. Now I want you to stay home with me until you’re all healed.” I smile and sit back in my chair and she shakes her head a bit in disbelief.
“Koyurei, what about money?”
“What ABOUT money? I still get residuals and royalties, we’re gonna be okay if you miss a few days!” I exclaim, “Look, I’m trying to be positive here, this is probably going to be good for us.” She raises an eyebrow at that.
“Merch deals?”
“Merch deals!” I huff smoke out of my nostrils and she laughs.
“Figures!” she exclaims, “I have them too.”
We both kind of laugh at it, gingerly. I get out the guestlist and she looks it over with her normal glasses and her torn up Nightbike Uniform. We just enjoy the moment while we eat and then I help her get to bed, laying down beside her and she carefully situates herself to where her side won’t hurt.
She stayed up that night. Her quirk’s drawback is chronic insomnia. Tonight she just stayed pretty much glued to my side under the soft sheets. But here I am safe in bed with her, safe and warm, both of us.
I just hope she’ll be okay, and that my hallucination was just that, a hallucination.
