Age 12

I stared at the dress in the window in front of me. I wanted it. It was dark blue, sleeveless. It was long and flowing.

“Matthew, come on,” my mom called to me.

I turned to follow. She was already walking off, paying no attention to make sure I did follow, but I had to or she would be angry with me.

I sent one more longing look over my shoulder at the dress.

---

After the appointment at the barber’s, I avoided looking in mirrors for months. I tried my best to avoid pictures.

It was just so short.

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Age 15

Girls are super pretty. I wanted to be one.

I knew I shouldn’t stare, but I couldn’t help it. Girls got to wear such cute outfits, meanwhile the options available to us guys kinda sucked.

---

“Can you please stop staring? You’re creeping me out.”

I cast my eyes to the ground and mumbled an apology.

She just scoffed before walking off.

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Age 17

I could get my ears pierced, right? Guys do it all the time.

“Why would you waste your money on that?” my dad said. “With your hair like that, you look like a girl. Speaking of, we need to get you a haircut soon.”

I took the studs out and let the holes close after that. God why did that feel so shitty?

---

I wanted to skip prom entirely, but my parents wouldn’t hear of it.

I wanted to wear a nice long flowing dress - maybe like that pretty blue one I saw in a shop window once?

But no, I had to wear a suit. Guys wore suits, not dresses.

Why did I have to be a guy?

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Prom sucked. I sat in a corner the whole time trying to pretend I didn’t exist.

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Age 18

I went to college in another city. My parents rented an apartment for me. I was no longer staying with them all the time.

I grew my hair out.

I re-pierced my ears.

Guys can do that, right?

---

I stared at the poster. I was colourful, rainbows everywhere. At the top, written over a blue pink and white striped pattern, in bold letter was:

TRANS SUPPORT GROUP

Trans?

I’d heard of trans before. As far as I knew, it was where someone changed genders. You can do that?

Could I do that?

---

 

 

Age 19

I finished my first year with passing grades. Sure, they weren’t all As, but they should be good enough.

I would have to stay with my parents during the summer.

My hair had reached shoulder length. I wore earrings. I skateboarded to get around most of the time. My parents would hate all of that. I didn’t care, I was an adult.

My parents booked a barber’s appointment anyway. I didn’t go. They complained to me about wasting money.

---

I started my second year at college. It was harder than first, but I pushed through.

I was really only just going through the motions.

I had felt excited when I had gotten my ears pierced. I felt happy with my long hair.

But still, when I looked in the mirror, something was off.

I finally shaved off my beard by November. I had hated the damn thing anyway. Why I grew it out, I have no idea.

---

You can just be a girl.

I must have read that wrong.

You can just be a girl.

It can’t be that simple, can it?

You can just be a girl.

But I couldn’t, right? I was a boy. I wasn’t trans or anything, was I?

You can just be a girl.

But why? Surely not just anyone could be trans.

You can just be a girl.

It felt like a taunt.

---

I went to a meeting for that Trans Support Group I had seen posters for.

It opened with everybody saying their names and pronouns.

Why pronouns? Surely you could just tell, right?

You couldn’t, obviously, actually. It was very often not obvious. I had never even considered the idea of someone only using ‘they’ to refer to themselves, never he or she.

Then it was my turn.

“I don’t know yet.”

A cute girl, who had introduced herself as Hazel - she/her AND they/them pronouns, actually - giggled softly.

“That’s ok, dear. Is there a name you want to try out?” the group leader asked me.

I shook my head. “I, uh- I also don’t wanna use my, um, dead name.”

The group leader smiled. “Well, how about pronouns you want to try?”

A pause.

“She.”

---

Age 20

I didn’t want to go back to my parents. They’d try to make me cut my hair again. I didn’t want that at all. I loved my now elbow-length hair. It made me feel very feminine.

I decided to take some Summer classes.

---

You can just be a girl.

I am a girl.

---

I needed a name. I had made friends (such as Hazel - gosh she was so cute) in the support group, but they didn’t even have a name to call me.

I don’t need to commit. I picked one that sounded nice to me.

---

There was another meeting that Saturday. There were two new members, so we were introducing ourselves.

Then it was my turn. “Rachel, she/her.”

Hazel - who had sat next to me at every meeting since I had finally concluded I was, in fact, trans, and had told her such - glanced at me before taking her turn. “Hazel, she/they.”

As the next person took their turn, Hazel turned back towards me, giving me a small smile.

---

It was the end of summer, after exams. About a week ago, I visited Planned Parenthood. I had left with two small pill bottles.

After taking the first dose, I invited Hazel over to celebrate.

They kissed me. It felt nice.

---

I stared at the letter in front of me. It had my court date. This had been too easy.

Tomorrow, I will be going to court to change my name. Then I would be legally Rachel.

Then I would be going on a date with Hazel. I was enjoying my relationship with them so much.

---

Christmas. I had to return to my parents for the holidays, they were expecting me. They hadn’t seen me since the previous Christmas.

I didn’t want to hide, but I would have to.

Hazel came with me. I introduced her as my girlfriend.

My dad pulled me aside to congratulate me and try to give me some tips I neither wanted nor needed (Hazel was a top through and through). The conversation was incredibly awkward.

Hazel had a good laugh when she finally got me to tell her about it.

---

I could stop hiding once I got back to college. It was a total relief.

The night before classes started up again, I relaxed while Hazel ran her hand through my hair. It felt amazing.

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Age 21

Summer again. It was June.

I went to my first ever pride. It was exciting.

Hazel and I attended together. I was dressed in a simple sundress. Hazel dressed in a bikini.

I felt pretty. Hazel looked hot.

---

After exams ended, Hazel and I celebrated one year of being together. We also celebrated one year of me being on HRT the same day.

We decided to be roommates for the upcoming school year.

---

Christmas again.

I came out to my parents. I never want to talk to them again.

I bought myself a pretty blue dress with the cash they’d given me for Christmas anyway.

My girlfriend said I looked sexy. I couldn’t stop blushing.

---

I graduated just as I expected to. Hazel graduated as well.

We attended the ceremony long enough to get our pictures taken.

We left afterwards to celebrate privately.

---

When we celebrated our two-years, Hazel proposed. I said yes.

I was going to have a wife!

I was going to be a wife!

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THE END