“And let me tell you, the way Jones was able to pass the Quaffle behind his back while also in a downward spiral was amazing,” The Most Perfect Wingman said.

“Wow that is amazing,” Pandora said, voice fully convincing of her interest while eyes were dull with boredom. “Jones must be the best Chaser in the world!”

They sat near the river that ran around Hogsmeade. Pandora’s previously white and blue dress was now white with light green accents, her bun was intentionally a bit more messy, but she also put a bit more makeup on. Meanwhile she made James’s maroon robes a bit brighter and his shirt and slacks pure black.

According to Pandora now her clothing complemented Xeno’s and James’s was the antithesis of Xeno’s. James also found out why she was wearing not radishes, but Dirigible Plum earrings and Butterbeer cork necklace, because Xenophilius Lovegood was. They had apparently been presents for Pandora before Xeno had graduated years ago.

She didn’t exactly believe they did what Xeno claimed, but she also had no proof that they didn’t.

“He is, I just hope he can finally bring England a victory for the Quidditch World Cup.”

“I’m sure he will James,” Pandora said sweetly.

James felt like he was going to be sick. He felt like he was breaking the bro-code by tricking Xeno like this. Merlin women were scary. Were they all secretly like this? Kind Lily? Sweet Mary? Dorcas- yes Dorcas was scary. Mum? Actually Mum was scary too.

James was surrounded by monsters in the skin of pretty girls.

But from the corner of his eyes James saw Xenophilius Lovegood only a few paces away, looking around in dreamy wonder as he walked toward a nearby house.

“Well I bet Sirius that if he didn’t I’d work as his house-elf for a month. I’d rather not have to clean up after him, you know.”

“Oh yes indeed,” Pandora said, voice a bit higher. “Speaking of house-elves, have you ever wondered why they are called so? I’ve done some research and I think it's a conspiracy by the Ministry and their secret backers. I mean houses are a social construct,” Pandora said emphasizing certain words in a very unsubtle way..

From the corner of his eyes James saw Xeno pause mid-stride, head spinning to look at them. Jame had to stop himself from rolling his eyes.

“Not really, they just work for us right?” James replied.

“But why do they work for human wizards?”

“Because they’re house-elves.”

Pandora looked like she was going to argue, but plastered on a smile and stood.

“Yeah… I guess you’re right. Wanna cool off a bit in the water?” she asked.

James stood too.

“I’d rather not get dirty. I can watch you though.”

Pandora’s happy expression collapsed.

“Please James?”

“Ugh, no, just go and do whatever for a little, then we can meet up with my friends.”

James felt like a proper asshole. Most of the handful of dates he had been on in Hogsmeade hadn't exactly been “stimulating” in conversation. But he'd always done his best to at least be a decent date.

He had no desire for his mother to hear about him blowing some girl off. Word always got out in Hogwarts.

“Mr. James I believe how many house-elves does your family have?” A quiet soft voice asked.

James turned to Xenophilius, who had silently crept so close that his face was only inches away from James’s.

“Aah!” James yelped. “Uhm, who are you?”

“Xenophilius Lovegood, now Mr. James, please, the number of house-elves.”

“Three… one for the gardens, one for the house and one for family buisness,” James replied.

Xeno nodded.

“And may I assume that you only have three members in your household?”

“... you can…”

Xeno's silvery blue eyes took on a serious edge.

“Well Misss Tripe here was not wrong in her suspicions of the Ministry, but I fear it goes far far deeper then that.”

Xeno was still only an inch or two away from James, so he took a step back. Xeno followed.

“Please I beg of you to listen.”

“Sure sure, go for it,” James said, not having to fake his discomfort at all.

“The Ministry is not only making you forget the origins of house-elves, but is also using them for a sinister purpose. Pureblood families, I assume you are of the Potter family, have become catatonically reliant on house-elves. More and more of they rely on them for simple affairs. Until one day the Ministry will pull them from the pureblood households and the families will fall apart. When that happens your house-elves will use an altered version of the Polyjuice potion developed by the Department of Mysteries and take over your identity. Then the Ministry will have full power over the ancient houses of Britain.”

James blinked, taking a moment to digest all of what Xeno said. He opened his mouth, closed it, then decided to just fall back on the plan.

“Look man, I don’t know where you came from but can’t you see that I’m here on a date? We don’t need your freakishness.”

“Hmm no I don’t suppose you would appreciate it, most don't,” Xeno said leaning back and gaining a contemplative look.

“James, don’t be rude, Xeno was just trying to tell us about his theories. You never know, the Ministry could be trying to use house-elves against the pureblood houses. They do control the market for selling them.”

Xeno’s eyes lit up again.

“Yes indeed they do! No longer do elves go and find houses themselves, they know it is dangerous for them due to human’s ideas of what an elf should do in a magical household. Now only those bred and raised by the Ministry are taken into magical homes.”

“Ugh, can we stop talking about this stupid stuff? Pandora, lets get back to Hogsmeade.”

Pandora scowled.

“Its not stupid James, its an enlightening conversation. We should stay for a little, I haven't talked to Xeno in years.”

“No.”

“James!”

“Fine! You stay and talk to the weirdo I’m going to grab a drink at the Three Broomsticks, if you're not driven off by his craziness then you know where I’ll be.”

James turned and “stormed off,” feeling very awkward. He was better at faking it when it came to pranks or Marauder secrets, not conspiracies about making a dude fall in love with a girl.

He was just glad being slapped wasn’t a part of the plan.

Looking back he saw Pandora with a kind reassuring smile and Xeno looking at James with suspicion.

Walking the streets of Hogsmeade James spotted Frank and Alice walk out of Honeydukes, Frank carrying their candies. The pair spotted him and Alice waved to him.

“James! Where’s the rest of your cohort?” she called.

“Wasn’t with them today, might meet up with them in a few minutes though.”

“Oh right, you had a date with that Tripe girl right? How’d it go?” Frank teased, a sly smirk forming on his face.

“Actually I think it went exactly as we planned.”

“Really? Because usually dates end either with a slap to the face or a prolonged session in a classroom.”

“Nah, not this one.”

Alice hummed.

“James.”

“Yes?”

“Have you been given The Talk yet?”

“Yes! Merlin, please don’t start acting like my mother.”

“Well Pandora is a beautiful girl, the only reason I can think of that you're here instead of in her skirts is because you don’t know what to do,” Alice said with a coy smile on her face.

“Shut it Max. Pandora only wanted me to act as her Wingman.”

Frank guffawed.

“You went on a date with a girl to help her get with someone else?”

“Yes,” James said, then looked at Alice suspiciously. “Longbottom, I’ve recently learned how scary women can be. She had a whole plan in place to get Xenophilius to talk to her using me.”

Frank raised an eyebrow.

“So it wasn’t a date? You were just introducing the two?”

James shook his head.

“No, it was a date. I was playing the douche boyfriend that didn’t care about her interests, then she dropped key words to get Xeno’s attention. Merlin’s balls she even changed our clothing to make Xeno notice us easier. Finite. See?!”

James’s robes darkened and his shirt became white again.

Frank blinked in confusion.

“That seems a bit excessive.”

“That’s what I said.”

Alice rolled her eyes.

“Is it any different than wearing makeup or embellishing stories? How many times have you exaggerated a Quidditch play to get someone’s attention?” she said.

“Stories are entertaining, this was like watching a hunter lay a trap,” James replied.

“He’s not wrong. Why wouldn’t she just ask him out?” Frank asked.

“Apparently she tried it before but he ignored her letter or something.”

“So she tried something else to get her attention. At least she didn’t lead you on James. She could have been using you unknowingly to make him jealous,” Alice huffed. “Honestly its not that big of a deal.”

James and Frank squinted at Alice. Had she… no, they’d been together for so long. There’s no way an eleven year old could be so… conniving.

Rolling her eyes again Alice took James and Frank by the arms.

“Come on, let's grab something at the Three Broomsticks.

-

10 more Chapters up on my Pa treon

Pa tre on.c om/BronzeTurtle