The saying 'ignorance is bliss' is something I think about a lot. Ignorance doesn't always equal stupidity, so when is it okay to be ignorant? How do you know? How long can you maintain that attitude before it blows up in your face?
What I did know was that I had a bad habit of following that mindset. It was ridiculously easy for me to ignore my problems now and then. I knew it was bad, but they all eventually disappeared. I could get away with it. Why would I consciously make life harder for myself? I don't know if it was because I was lazy, or because I kept underestimating each issue, or because I didn't want to waste my energy on something if I didn't have to. Or a combination of all three. Regardless, all that is irrelevant now. The prophecy and everything else in Emiarhia that had happened so far were preventing me from being ignorant by choice – something I should've learned how to do a long time ago.
I made my way down the halls of Oceanside, weaving around students before eventually reaching my locker. It was Monday morning and you could feel that nobody wanted to be there. I bopped my head to the music coming from my headphones as my still half-asleep brain tried to remember the lock combination. Wasn't there a 31? 31, 11, 24. Or was it 26? Which way do I turn it first? I closed my eyes and let muscle memory take over, which proved to be much more effective. The locker opened with a squeak and I began switching out my textbooks. Luke approached me soon after, but I didn't notice until he was standing right beside me.
I flinched at his sudden presence, swiftly removing my headphones. "Geez, don't sneak up on people like that!" I grinned.
"Sorry," he chuckled. "I tried getting your attention but you were so engrossed in your music." He propped himself against the wall. "What are you listening to?"
"Here." I reached out and set the headphones on his head, doing my best to line them up with his ears. "It's a really good song."
Luke seemed pleasantly surprised and listened for several seconds. "Whoa, the drumline is amazing in this."
"Right? I thought so."
He handed back my headphones. "Is that on Spotify?"
I nodded. "I can text you the link to the whole album if you want."
"That would be awesome." My eyes stayed locked with his for a few beats of silence. I was contemplating something, and his eyebrows rose slightly in expectation.
I tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. "Can I ask you something?"
"Sure."
"Do you know the saying 'ignorance is bliss'?"
"Of course! 'Where ignorance is bliss, 'tis folly to be wise.'"
"That's the full quote?"
"Yeah, Thomas Gray."
I couldn't help but smile a little. "Where'd you learn that?"
He shrugged. "I read a lot."
"What do you think about that saying? Is ignorance truly bliss?"
"Hm." His head tilted to the side and he stood up straighter. "It can be. Though, I think I'd rather go and find happiness while being aware of problems than be blissful but ignorant. Seems kind of pointless, don't you think?"
"Agreed." I laughed but winced internally, knowing that Luke was completely right. "Thanks for answering such a weird question."
"Anytime. It's one of my specialties." He then checked his wristwatch. "Well, I have to go meet with Mrs. Flynn before English, but I guess I'll see you there."
"Yep! More Macbeth reading today."
"Oh, right!" He hunched his shoulders menacingly to imitate a character. "'What, you egg? Young fry of treachery!'"
I chuckled at his recitation, a line that we've been making fun of for weeks simply because of its wild absurdity in comparison to today's language. "'He has killed me, mother. Run away, I pray you!'" I replied, faking being stabbed. We both dissolved into laughter. He then waved goodbye and took off to class. Still smiling, I turned back to my locker, feeling grateful to have someone I could act stupidly with. I wondered if Luke felt the same way.
He was somewhat popular, at least in my opinion, and I was never sure if he'd want a 'weird' friend like me. At least he was always willing to share a laugh. I kept smiling at the thought of him while simultaneously scolding myself for being so giddy about this. Even though I had a few classes with him, we wouldn't talk nearly as much as Spencer and I do. Maybe we'd never get further than that. I decided it didn't matter. We were just friends and I was perfectly content with that.
Before I could finish stuffing a binder into my backpack, my locker door suddenly slammed shut, nearly hitting me in the face. I whipped my head around to see Spencer, whose hand was pressed against the door.
"When were you going to tell me?!" she exclaimed, gaze unblinking.
I quickly scanned my brain for anything that would warrant such a reaction but found nothing. "Tell you what?"
"Really?" She put her hands on her hips as if the answer was obvious. "You didn't tell me that you were Nathan's girlfriend!"
My jaw went slack. "What?! I wasn't told either; where did you hear that?"
"From Holly, who heard it from Sara, who heard it from Lee, who overheard a conversation between Nathan and his friends." Spencer's arms dropped to her sides. "I thought you knew."
"So, Nathan's been going around telling people that he and I are dating?" I face-palmed. "What the hell..."
The bell rang loudly and everyone started moving in different directions. Spencer and I slipped into the stream of traffic. Sighing, I retrieved my phone from my back pocket. My finger hovered over Nathan's name for a moment. I knew I should confront this problem before it became more of one.
Hey, wanna meet up for lunch?
Spencer and I, as well as plenty of our other friends from various classes, were crowded around a cafeteria table. Somehow, we got on the topic of Farrah's Halloween party.
Lauren, from math class, had her phone in the centre of everyone. She scrolled through her photos from the party one by one. "Oh my god, this one is so good. And this one, too."
"We look amazing in that one!" Niki added.
Jess then angled her phone towards us, which was playing a video. "Remember when the guys were trying to build a human tower in the pool?" We all leaned in to watch. From what I could see, several boys were each attempting to climb on top of another's shoulders, but failing comically.
"Dante almost knocked his teeth out on the concrete," Reese laughed.
Spencer turned to me. "Didn't you take some pictures that night?"
"Yeah," I said, opening up my phone's gallery before placing it closer to everyone else. There were only about a dozen photos, but I liked each one. Some were of Spencer and I, some were of the house, and some were of different groups of people. I scrolled through a few more before reaching a photo of Luke and me. The lighting wasn't great but you could see that we were both smiling.
Jess straightened in her seat. "Hey, who's that next to you?"
"Lucas Ottinger," Spencer answered before I could.
"He's like, really cute..." Niki said.
Lauren rolled her eyes. "You say that about every guy, Nik."
She huffed. "Well, it's true."
Reese leaned closer to my phone. "That face paint him and his friends had was so sick."
"Not permanent though," I chuckled. "Spencer and I had black and white smudged on our arms at the end of the night just by being around them."
"I almost expected you to leave with it smudged all over your mouth," Spencer teased. I gave her a light shove. "Sorry, sorry," she grinned, "you make it too easy."
"Wait, let me get this straight," Niki piped up. "Chloe, you're not actually Nathan's girlfriend?"
I shook my head firmly. "No. I'm supposed to be sorting that out with him right now, actually, but I haven't seen him."
From beside me, Jess pointed a finger towards the cafeteria entrance. "Speak of the devil." Nathan walked through the door and looked around for a moment before spotting me. He waved me over excitedly.
"I guess that's my cue," I muttered.
Lauren turned to me. "Good luck, girl."
"You might just need it," Reese added.
I stood up and gathered my things then headed over to where Nathan was sitting.
He grinned broadly when I approached. "Hey, what's up?"
What's up? I wanted to say. That's all you have to say? What's UP?
As I sat down, he slid over a carton of strawberry milk in front of me. "They don't have cherry Pepsi so I got you this instead." That stopped me dead in my tracks. Why was I almost flattered that he remembered something so trivial?
"Oh," I replied, "you didn't have to do that. Thanks..." I opened the carton and took a sip.
"I was going to return your pencil too, but I kind of lost it. Sorry." He seemed genuinely apologetic.
A small laugh escaped my lips and I was surprised by that. "No worries, I've got tons of 'em."
"So, um..." He leaned in close. If it wasn't for the table between us, he probably would've been much closer. "Was there a reason why you wanted to meet up?"
I looked him calmly in the eye, my hands still wrapped around the milk carton. "I think you might know the reason."
He paused, then nodded slowly and sheepishly. "Right. About that. Are you mad?"
I fiddled with my bracelet. Was I mad? The rumour could've been a lot worse... Ultimately, I shook my head. "I just want to know how this happened."
"Okay, so... At the party, I was kind of drunk."
"Right," I confirmed.
He laughed before continuing. "My buddies saw me with you, and I guess they all thought that we were...y'know, a thing." He pushed his hair back with one hand. "I don't know why, maybe they were just messing around. But they didn't ask questions so I kind of went along with it."
"You went along with it because...?" I trailed off before questioning if my tone was too interrogative.
Nathan tilted his head to the side, smirking. "You're cute. You're really gonna make me say it?"
I managed to keep a straight face despite the butterflies in my stomach. "I won't make you say anything."
He exhaled a long sigh and just looked at me for a few seconds. I waited patiently for him to speak. "...Because I wanted it to be true."
"Oh," was all I managed to say. The gears in my head were turning at a million miles per hour. Did Nathan just imply what I think he did? Why... How could that be true? I had no idea what to think.
He reached over and set his hands on top of mine. I was almost too lost in thought to notice his fingers slowly prying mine away from the milk carton. He ran his thumb along my knuckles. "Is that okay?" he asked. Well, I'm not going to tell you what to think. He carried on. "How do...you feel?"
"Uh." I gulped, eyes glued to my hands in his. "I don't know."
His face fell slightly at my response. "Oh, it's cool. Whatever..."
I shrugged. "I mean...yet. I don't know yet." That's a fair answer, right?
He raised his eyebrows. "Ah, okay."
The familiar tones of the bell echoed through the school once more. I wasn't sure if I wanted to keep talking to Nathan or if I wanted to run away. Knowing I didn't have a choice, I got up and slung my backpack onto my shoulders.
Nathan followed suit, then walked over to my side of the table. "For the record, I do really like you, Chloe. You're different." I didn't know what to say to that so I just gave him a small smile. "So, yeah." He rocked back and forth on his feet. "Let's hang out soon, okay?" He gave me a brief kiss on the cheek before leaving the cafeteria.
I froze in place, milk carton still in hand. That was definitely not expected. It was like I was feeling everything and nothing at the same time. All of this, whatever it was, was now something in my life. Another tangle in the web. Or maybe I was the tangle.
As soon as he was out of sight, Spencer approached me and ushered me towards the exit. "C'mon, we're gonna be late. But you are going to tell me everything later."
"It's all right, Brielle." Miss Lucera crossed her legs and made some annotations in her notes. "Try not to get frustrated. It is not easy."
"Right, sorry." I took a deep breath. If Emiarhians practice magic so often, how hard can it be?
"Close your eyes," she said. "It may help." I did as she told me. "Now, relax. Focus your attention inwards. Tune out any distractions. Can you feel your own weight?" I nodded. "Concentrate on where your feet touch the floor, where your body is seated. Your arms, your legs. Every part of you. Are you calm?" I nodded again. "Good. Now focus that weight, that energy, into your hands. As if you were pushing water through your veins and into your fingertips."
A strange sensation enveloped my body, kind of like a shiver. It started from the back of my neck, ran down my spine, then shot down my arms and legs. It was like all my nerves were being activated at once, but just like a shiver, it was gone in an instant.
I flinched in my seat. "Whoa, I felt that."
Miss Lucera smiled. "Excellent! That was the magic coursing through you. One must be acutely aware of it before one can practice magic. As your skills improve, that feeling will dissipate." She scribbled down some more notes. "Now, try to conjure a small orb of light. Imagine what that might look and feel like."
I hesitated. "You're sure?"
"Of course. This is a controlled environment; nothing will go wrong. Magic in Emiarhia is not based on spell names and commands, but rather...the desire of the caster."
In the back of my mind, I visualized my goal. Almost immediately, a sphere of white-yellow light formed in the palm of my right hand. It was roughly the size of an apple.
"My stars," Miss Lucera exclaimed.
I turned to her. "Did I do something wrong?"
"No, not at all! That result is just... Well, confounding." She twirled her quill between her fingers. "You weren't supposed to succeed this early."
"But that was good, right?"
"Yes, but this... It was more than we were expecting."
I furrowed my eyebrows. "'We'?"
"The headmaster and I," she clarified. "The entire academy board has been following your progress closely, as you know."
I looked at the sphere of light in my palm. I could move it around and if I let it go, it would levitate in place. I guided it towards my shoulder, and to my surprise, it stayed floating there as if it was attached by invisible strings.
Miss Lucera seemed a little bemused. "Your magic appears to be quite potent, Brielle. More than I anticipated. With more practice, you will be able to control it much better."
The light faded into nothingness. I shifted my eyes to her. "You think so?"
"I know so."
"Shaye! Shaye!" I jogged down the corridor towards where my friends were huddled, a huge grin plastered on my face.
Shaye turned around and eventually saw me. Miseris and Lilwen were there too.
She smiled when I reached her locker. "What's got you so excited?"
"Check out what I just learned today!" First wiping my hands on my trousers, I held my palm out and focused. Soon enough, a little ball of light materialized out of thin air.
Lilwen gasped. "Oh, look at you!"
"That's wonderful!" Shaye said. "You should be quite proud!"
"Brilliant," Miseris agreed.
Maybe I was silly to be so thrilled about something that they considered to be a cakewalk by now. I felt like a kindergartner telling their parent all about how they learned addition. Regardless, if I stopped to think about it, I was learning magic.
I pumped my fists in the air. "I can't wait to get better at this."
The four of us walked to the courtyard to eat lunch. It was getting progressively more crowded as the minutes passed, likely because it was a sunny day and people were trying to soak it up before winter officially arrived. My fur-lined coat was buttoned securely over my school uniform, but I was barely bundled up compared to my friends. Miseris, being almost one hundred percent the race native to Hezura (by far the hottest realm), was nearly always wearing hats and scarves due to her genetic sensitivity to cold temperatures. Shaye was also partially of this ethnic group, so she shared that struggle to a smaller degree. Similarly, since Lilwen's heritage was virtually entirely from Opios, she had absolutely zero body hair other than on her head and face – which made her highly aquadynamic but supplied no warmth retention.
I couldn't help noticing that I was getting twice as many stares as usual. I angled my head over to Shaye, speaking in a low whisper. "Are people still talking about...that?"
She gave me a sympathetic look. "Yes, somewhat. Unfortunately."
I groaned. "I thought everybody knew that nothing is going on between Zyel and me." We sat down at a wooden table.
"De Mavset," Miseris began, "a prince kissed your hand. And it was a prince of this realm, no less. That's huge!"
"I know, I know." I slumped over onto the table. "It's hard enough trying to forget without gossip."
Lilwen looked up from her lunch. "And you truly don't understand why he did that?" I shrugged helplessly.
"Well, how versed are you in matters of the heart?" Shaye pointed out.
"Okay, I get it." I stifled a laugh. "Something probably went over my head. But there's literally no possibility of us being a couple, even if I was interested. How would that even work? Can you imagine how the King would react?"
"Frightening," Lilwen mumbled.
"Maybe it'll all blow over," I said. That's a very typical thing for me to say. Rarely anything is ever solved by sitting back and doing nothing, I knew. That thought caused me to circle to another ongoing issue of mine. "How's Ashkan doing?" I asked Shaye.
Her expression turned shocked. "You still aren't speaking? Oh, I hate quarrelling..."
I rested my chin on my fist. "I want to. But I'm nervous about making it worse."
"He may be a bit stubborn, but he's not dumb," she replied. "He can recognize kind efforts of reconciliation. All you can do is try. Perhaps he's been wanting to talk to you as well."
"Is he upset with you?"
"He's still talking to me; I don't think so... I think he understands deep down why I told you what I did."
"That's a relief. As long as you're not still dragged into this, that makes me feel better." I pushed myself up from the table. "I'll go see if I can find him."
I opened the double doors to the Academy's interior. I got a jolt of anxiety as I approached the table where Ashkan usually sat. He wasn't there today, but Viktor was. Maybe he knew where I could find his best friend. They all stared at me as I walked up, but not for long, as they were engaged in some sort of card game.
"Hey, Viktor," I began.
"Oi!" He turned around in his seat to face me. "Sorry, we're right in the thick of this game."
I glanced over his shoulder curiously. "What are you playing? I hope it's not poker, because you're not going to win with that hand."
"It's called keyhole," Viktor explained, brow furrowed in concentration. "You must be unfamiliar with it because I am going to win."
"Would you like to join?" his friend inquired. He looked vaguely like Reyshore, with his pointy, opposable ears and three eyes. The one on the right was a curious shade of muted vermilion, while the other two were dark brown. I briefly thought about how meticulously he must've maintained his straight, shoulder-length, beige-blond hair to keep it out of not two, but three eyes.
The guy beside him shot him a death glare with lime-hued eyes, pupils flickering to almond shapes for a half-second. "She can't play, Cassius." The curls of his short mullet swayed as he shook his head vehemently. Slightly coiled, ivory horns stuck out from the black mop. It seemed like he needed to get his roots done, though, because bits of fuchsia were peeking through.
"Sod off, Ivahr," Cassius shot back. "This is why girls don't talk to you."
Viktor soon cut in, "Stand down, gentlemen! Good gods..." He gave me a half-amused, half-apologetic look. "Card games tend to bring out the worst in...some of us. Uh, this is Cassius Umdan and Ivahr Melhadjo. They're not normally this hostile, I promise."
"It's cool. Anyway," I interjected, "as much as I'd like to learn how to play, I need to talk to Ashkan. Do you have any idea of where he is?"
"That bloke's been downcast all day," Viktor said. "He's probably got his nose stuck in a book somewhere. Check the common room."
"Awesome, thanks." I nodded goodbye to the group and dashed off in the opposite direction.
Lunch was almost over, so I had to be quick. I jogged down the staircase, took a left, and entered the common room.
The air was warm from the crackling fire. The room was about half-full with students who were chatting, practicing simple spells, or lazing about on the couches. My eyes zeroed in on Ashkan, who was seated on a stool beside the fire, a book clutched in one hand. I just stared at the back of his head for a few seconds, unsure how to proceed. I was hoping for a chance to talk with him alone. I was hoping he would say hello or at least look at me, but he didn't do either.
Carefully, I advanced forwards. He didn't notice me at first. When he did, he lifted his gaze upwards in a casual manner. But the look in his eyes when he realized it was me didn't belong to a person who would consider me a friend. At least, not until I focused closer. There was a hint of regret.
"Hi," I spoke softly, sitting down on the stool across from him.
"What is it?" he asked simply.
I fiddled with a strand of hair, eyes fixed on the floorboards. "Always nice to get a warm welcome..."
He sighed and hesitantly closed his book. "I'll be honest." I looked back at him. "I...was wanting to get a chance to speak with you," he said in a strained voice. In front of me, Ashkan was nearly a blur against the glow of the fire, and a few seconds passed before I noticed he was staring at me, or maybe at his book, or his feet. His head remained level so I couldn't quite tell.
Before I could speak, I was cut off by a chime signifying the end of lunch. I cursed under my breath. "We'll talk later, okay?"
If I didn't know better, his expression almost told me that he didn't want to wait. "...All right."
I wasn't sure what I was expecting. There was a moment of awkward silence as we shuffled through the crowd of students to reach the exit. It was insanely difficult to pay attention for the rest of the day when I had this constant, nagging feeling that something was wrong and I needed to fix it.
As I walked into town later that day, the sound of snow crunching under my boots mixed with the metallic clangs of armour from the guards at my sides. The marketplace was fully up and running again. I was relieved; I never wanted it to be any other way again.
"Good afternoon, Brielle!" Ysante greeted me when I drew near to her stall. The fine lines on her face crinkled as she smiled.
"Hello," I replied. My voice sounded more low-spirited than I intended it to.
She turned around to check her ovens but kept her attention on me. "What has you out of sorts?"
"Is it that obvious?"
"As plain as the nose on your face, dear."
I signalled to my guards to give us some space. "How long have you known Ashkan?"
She positioned her hand outwards from her hip. "Since he was about yea high. I was good friends with his mother."
"So, you...know what happened?"
"Aye." She wiped some dough from her hands onto her apron. "Is the boy giving you trouble?"
"No, he just..." I breathed deeply. "He knows that I know. And I didn't find out from him. But I didn't realize the truth until... Well, until I did."
Her silver hair swayed as she nodded. "I see. That's tough indeed."
"I think I just need some advice," I said. "I don't know what to say. Or how to say it. I don't know what he's feeling."
Ysante put a finger to her chin. "You care about him?"
"Of course I do. I've known him for months now."
"Then you can likely see things through his eyes. How would you want someone to talk to you if you were feeling that way?"
I stopped to think. "But what if I say the wrong thing?"
"Let me tell you something my mum told me." She leaned onto the counter, hands clasped. "When someone dies, their loved ones first get angry and search for a reason. As time passes, when they realize nothing will change, they fall into despair. However, once enough emotion is let go... Wounds always heal."
I stewed her words in my head for a bit as she continued baking.
"He already knows that his mother is gone. What happened, happened. He doesn't need to hear people say that they're sorry for his loss, or that they don't know what they'd do if they were him. Maybe he's tired of people bringing it up. Mentioning her." She pulled a spoon from a drawer and I watched as it began mixing a bowl of batter on its own. "Perhaps he hasn't had many opportunities to talk about his own experience with grief. Sometimes, all you can do is be there for someone, and listen to them."
"You're right. Thank you," I said. "Seriously. I really appreciate it."
"Of course. Wisdom is meant to be shared."
I took a slice of wrapped icciomb loaf from a little basket on the corner of the counter and placed some brightly coloured coins near it. When she returned from her ovens, I was already on my way to the training grounds.
"Oh, this is too much!" she called out to me.
I cupped my hands around my mouth to yell back. "Keep the change! Thank you again!"
She simply smiled and shook her head. I didn't want to admit that I still hadn't quite mastered the ratios of Emiarhia's currency. Besides, I had other things on my mind.
I stashed the baked good in my satchel, deciding I'd give it to Ashkan later. This situation was a little sad, in a weird kind of way. Maybe he was going to be upset when we'd speak, I wasn't sure. Perhaps, as an invert, the thought of being vulnerable made him uncomfortable. We'd been around each other long enough for me to realize that. As saviours, we all needed each other. But more importantly than that, I wanted him to be happy. Or, for now, at least okay.
Training went well that day, as it had been for a while. I felt like I was improving even more. If I were to get into a fight, I was mostly confident that I could defend myself. When I returned to the arena's lavatory to change, something caught my eye. Off to the side, Kadia was talking to my dad. I instantly recognized him from his platinum hair that matched the colour of mine, and his navy and silver Rime Guard armour. The conversation didn't seem casual.
I gave them a brief wave as I passed, then ducked into the lavatory to eavesdrop. The walls were just barely thin enough that I could hear them on the other side.
I caught the last part of Kadia's sentence. "...with weapons soon."
"What were you thinking for her?" my dad asked.
There was a pause.
"I'm not sure yet. I'm consulting with some weapons experts."
"And she's progressing all right? No red flags?"
"None whatsoever."
Another pause.
"Please train her well, Kadia," Dad said. "More than you've trained any soldier." His voice was less steady than I was used to.
Kadia sighed. I sensed some irritation in her tone. "Brielle will be prepared to the absolute best of our abilities given the time frame. She will make a formidable warrior, as will Ashkan and Shaylie. Now, I must return to my duties. Good day."
I pulled my ear away from the wall, knowing I definitely wasn't meant to hear that exchange. How often was my dad meeting with Kadia to discuss my progress? I guess that was to be expected...
After taking a quick shower and changing into normal clothes, I met Ashkan at the plaza right outside the arena. He was sitting on a bench near a lamppost, and even from a distance, I could tell he was unsettled. I think I would've given damn near anything to know what was going through his head as he sat there, alone. From where I stood, the whole scene looked like a painting with everything blanketed in white. From an outsider's perspective, it was beautiful.
As I walked closer, my pace slowed before I stopped about ten feet from him. "Aren't you cold?" I questioned, pointing up to the sky filled with snow clouds. They were not only casting a bluish glow on everything but also dampening every sound and creating that almost eerie silence that's characteristic of winter.
He shrugged one shoulder and slipped on his coat. "I guess so."
I sat down beside him, hating all of the apprehension in the air. Say something! I thought to myself. Something not about the weather...
"I don't know where to begin," Ashkan admitted before I could produce an adequate sentence. I shifted to face him. "I wanted you to know," he continued, "but...I guess I didn't want to tell you. Say it out loud."
"That's okay. I understand."
He shook his head and frowned. "It's not okay. We're friends." I wasn't sure how to respond, so I simply let his thoughts unravel on their own. "I don't enjoy disputing," he said. "Can you believe me? I truly don't."
"I believe you."
"Am I too...detached for that to be believable?"
"No, few people like fighting."
His eyes suddenly met mine, and I recognized a certain heaviness in them. "Tell me. Were you going to just wait until I told you and act like you didn't know? I can't decide if that's worse..."
My heart sank. "I hadn't thought that far. I think I would've told you that I already knew. At some point." I bit my lip. "It's not like I suspected something and went searching for it."
"Then how did you find out? Did Shaye just outright tell you?"
"No..." I struggled to find words. "I felt like maybe I had done something to upset you, somehow. Shaye meant well. She wasn't sure if you'd ever tell me about your mother, so she wanted to reassure me that..." I trailed off.
He ran his hand through his hair. "That you weren't to blame for my rudeness."
"No, you weren't rude. And it wasn't that I was trying to be blameless, it's that I... I don't know, maybe I wanted to help. I wanted to get to know you guys. I still do." My gaze was now focused on my hands. My fingertips were starting to go numb from the cold. Despite the hand wraps that we wore during training, I had little skin tears here and there from all those climbing exercises. I ran my thumb over a larger one on my palm.
"I wish I could go back in time," Ashkan muttered. His next sentence was even quieter. "To tell you that it was never your fault." I peered at him nervously. He seemed to be doing his best to suppress his emotions, and I was caught up in trying to understand what he meant by that. I knew it was important. "You were just...a normal...girl...from another universe, you know."
The word "normal" struck something in my chest. His tone was surprisingly light but notably sardonic, and I knew I would forever curse myself if I interrupted now.
"I wish I could," he repeated. "Maybe that's what I should have wished for..." He paused, then began to speak again. Words spilled out of his mouth like blood from an open wound. "I wish I could go back to the day I met you, or when I gave you that bloody lip, or the day after the Nyvar Festival. Or any other day of the week, anytime. Anytime before now." His eyes were wide and stuck to the ground. He had stopped, and I could tell he wasn't sure of himself in that moment.
"Ashkan..." I was almost afraid to speak too loudly. "It's all in the past. You don't owe me any explanations."
"No, I–" He tensed up. "That's just it. I cannot use my mother's passing as justification for being callous. I didn't expect it to shake me this way for so long..."
"It must've been so difficult for you." To my frustration, that was the best response I could muster. It sounded so generic, but I was genuinely trying my hardest to be understanding. "Don't force yourself to talk if it's too much, okay?"
"Actually, I think it would do some good if I did. It's been years. Years. Yet I can remember that day so clearly. I'm not sure if I actually recall how I feel about it anymore. Or if I ever really sat down and...processed..."
I kept my tone mellow. "What do you remember?"
"Well, the reactions. Whenever someone learned about it, they'd always apologize. As if they had to. Or they'd simply state that it was sad, followed by a quick change in subject. I felt pitied... It was as if they just wanted to hear that I was fine. So that became my only answer to 'how are you?'. Anything else was too much emotion for them." He sighed and his breath formed a cloud within the air. "And now, as I say this out loud, it seems to all make sense. The effect it had on me."
My stomach was twisting itself into knots. I wanted to tell him how proud everyone was of him, how big of a heart he had, how he didn't need to act so strong all the time. Why couldn't I think of anything supportive to say? He was brave for choosing to discuss this. I hoped I was doing enough to help by listening, as Ysante had said.
"I didn't intend to act in those ways that I did."
"I know," I finally said.
He tore his eyes up to mine. "I'm sorry, Brielle. Truly. For saying what I said that day in Shaye's room, and everything else. I didn't mean any of it."
"I know you didn't mean it. Everyone gets upset from time to time."
"It's always me... Gods, sometimes I feel like I'm always the problem. You've never done anything wrong and I've been so harsh to you."
"You're not a problem, don't worry. And I've made plenty of mistakes," I corrected him. "Hey, I've been unfair to you too. I poked around in your personal life without giving you a chance to tell me yourself. And I'm sorry about that." I sat up straighter, tucking my leg underneath me. "Besides, if I really didn't like you, I wouldn't be here right now."
Ashkan looked at me like I was joking, then chuckled slightly, and a wave of relief washed over me. "You're far too patient with me," he said.
"I don't think there's enough patience in the world," I replied, shrugging.
"I suppose you're right. You know... I'm glad to have met you. Even if I didn't act like it before."
I smiled. "Likewise. Hopefully, I don't do anything to change your mind." He responded with a genuine laugh, and I got butterflies in my stomach for some reason. I turned my attention to the sky, reclining in my seat. "We'll get through this. All of this stuff with the prophecy and everything. It's a new beginning. And it's a lot of work, so we can't be afraid to take breaks and take some time for ourselves. The three of us have to keep each other's spirits up if we can."
"Yeah," Ashkan whispered.
"And I'll always be here to listen, got that? Whenever you feel like talking about anything at all. Even something as simple as what you ate for breakfast that day."
I sensed his eyes shift to me. His expression was grateful. "I hope I can offer you the same."
"Oh, I almost forgot! Speaking of food..." I jumped up and snatched my bag from beside my feet. It only took a few seconds of rummaging to find what I was searching for. I raised the sweet loaf triumphantly. "Ta-da!"
Ashkan raised his eyebrows. "Ah, so that was your backup if speech didn't work."
My jaw dropped. "No! Why would you say that?" I pushed on his knee in protest but he didn't budge against the force.
"Kidding." He smiled and leaned forwards. "It's a very kind gesture."
I attempted to open the loaf's wrapping several times, but my fingers felt like icicles. Or rather, they were mostly numb and didn't feel much at all. The edge of the parchment paper kept slipping from my grasp.
"Your hands are getting quite red..." Ashkan mentioned.
"Yeah, I forgot my gloves at Kadia's." I set the package onto my lap in defeat before inspecting my hands. They were already stinging from the cuts, and now they were tingling as well.
"Here, let me help." I expected him to reach for the tightly-wrapped confection, but instead, he gently took both my hands. My heart leapt into my throat for a second.
"Your hands are really warm," I said, still a bit taken aback by his gesture. Somehow, it felt different than when Nathan had done the same.
"And yours are really cold!" he laughed. "Frostbite is a nasty thing... My brother always used to be on the verge of it when he'd go playing outside. Kept saying he liked the feel of snow."
I glanced up at him, trying not to appear like a detective who had just caught a suspect slipping up. "I didn't know you had a brother."
He scrunched his nose, almost wincing, and gave a half-shrug. "Well, I guess there's a lot you don't know."
I shook my head as if to dismiss that notion. "There's a time for everything and everything's got a time." He smiled at that. I knew – or at least I was pretty sure – that he'd open up more when he was ready, and I wasn't going to rush it.
I watched in silence as he kept trying to warm my hands. It was working, not that I expected it not to. He inspected every finger, turned both of my hands over a couple of times, then pressed them lightly in between his. The size difference between our hands wasn't monumental, but it was noticeable.
"Yeah, my brother's lucky all his fingers are still intact." He smirked at the memory. "He'd come home and they'd be blazing red, the bugger. I'd have to keep them on my neck for a while. I guess he preferred that to the fireplace."
"Your neck?"
"One of the warmest parts of the body," he elaborated. "Just...like this." He slid over until our knees were touching, almost closing the distance between us entirely. My hands were then placed on either side of his neck, partially underneath his scarf, with his hands covering them. I kept still. I could feel every breath he took, every heartbeat. A smile tugged at the corner of his lips. "Warmer, right?"
I tried to keep my tone relaxed, even though I was just close enough to see all the different hues of green in his eyes. "Yeah, that's... It works." He then curled my fingers to warm the backs of them. I felt his pulse quicken a bit. I just stared at my hands against his neck, worried that it'd be more awkward if I looked him straight in the eye. "I think they're better now," I said. "Thanks, though."
"Right, of course." He let go of my now warmed hands and cleared his throat, then retreated to his original position on the bench. I quickly unwrapped the icciomb loaf with ease, anxious to move the conversation along. Good thing it didn't get squished in my bag. Ashkan thanked me when I handed him his half.
"So, I have to ask," he said in between bites.
"Uh-huh?"
He grinned like he knew his question was going to irk me. "You and Prince Zyel. What's going on there?"
I groaned. "You saw that?"
"Who at the Festival didn't see that?"
"Okay, let's get one thing clear. I don't know what's going on in his mind, but we are definitely not a couple." I took another bite and chewed slowly. "If there are feelings there, they're not mutual."
"Well, he ought to be shaking in his boots right now if that's the case."
I laughed slightly. "Shut up, I'm just saying that he has like, every girl in the kingdom to choose from. There's no way I'm at the top of his list."
Ashkan chuckled and crossed his arms. "Ouch. Give yourself some credit."
"Whatever. You know what I mean. For all I know, that could just be his personality."
He hummed in agreement. "Well, you're certainly making a lot of acquaintances. You and Elliott seem to really get along."
I finished eating and wiped the crumbs off my hands. "Yeah, he's one of the sweetest people I've ever met. I don't know how anyone could dislike him. He wouldn't hurt a fly."
"Don't you think he was maybe competing for your attention that night?"
"You're joking, right?"
He shrugged.
I angled myself more towards him, my arms slung over the back of the bench. "You don't know that Elliott's gay?"
"Oh," he said. He just squinted, his lips pressed together in an expression of thoughtfulness. "Well, no, how would I know that?"
I paused. "Good point."
There was another brief silence between us. This time, it felt much more comfortable. I wasn't sure if we had ever spoken this much to each other at one time, let alone about something more than our responsibilities as saviours. I felt it was best to let the peaceful interlude linger.
"Maybe it's because you're Earthborn. Why some people are drawn to you initially," Ashkan spoke up.
"I guess that could make sense... I never really thought of it that way. I always expect that to have the opposite effect." I blinked rapidly after registering the number of snowflakes clinging to my eyelashes.
"I'm sure it has something to do with it."
I nodded slightly, not completely clear if he was getting at something. "Yeah. I don't know, I guess maybe it's why..." I broke off, trying to think of an explanation for why I always ended up being in situations where I was the centre of attention. Even when I wasn't trying to be, which was almost every time. A strong gust of wind suddenly blew over us. I pressed my hands to my cheeks, which were probably as red as my hands had been.
Ashkan turned to me with a half-smile. "The air is biting today. You must be freezing."
"A little," I admitted with a laugh.
"I don't want to keep you long. You probably have somewhere to be, huh?"
"Unfortunately." To be honest, I didn't feel like leaving yet. Reluctantly, I stood and began gathering my things.
Ashkan rose to his feet beside me. He stuffed his hands in his pockets. "Thank you. For listening and for helping me make some sense of my muddled brain. For everything."
"It was the least I could do. Thanks for meeting me."
He nodded, gazing at me with a glint in his eye. He didn't seem eager to leave, either. I abruptly became hyper-aware of the space between us, as if the air had gotten heavier, or maybe thinner. It made my skin crawl, but not out of fear or disgust. Instead, it felt like some invisible force was holding onto my ankles. I wondered if Ashkan could tell, or if he was experiencing something similar.
I looked at him and saw him looking back. He shifted, and the space between us shrunk by just that tiny fraction of an inch. If I blocked it out, and my feet stopped being held in this cavity, the moment seemed to fade. A bit like waking from a dream. His eyes were fixed on me like he was anticipating a reaction. I think we were both waiting for each other to say something.
I clasped my hands together. "...See you tomorrow."
"Tomorrow," he echoed.
