Faith

Dark Shadows droned on my television screen while the effects of my weed gummy began to manifest. Everything was light and airy, and I laid on my back and watched the ceiling fan rotate while gothic soap opera nonsense served as the soundtrack to my stoned thought-ramblings. 

I wanted to focus on what was in front of me, I really did. But all I could think about was my rival going on a date with my best friend, and the green thornbush of envy strangling my heart. I’d resolved myself to be a graceful loser, going out of my way to support Zeke and Kate’s budding relationship. I’d done Kate’s makeup for her, and given her an extended tutorial on how to walk in heels, given her my old falsies. She’d looked, to be blunt, smoking hot when I was through with her. Zeke was a lucky guy, and hopefully he realized that. 

Kate, for her part, seemed to already know that she was a lucky girl. 

I still couldn’t believe she’d offered to stop pursuing Zeke for my benefit. The first guy you like, once you realize you swing that way, tends to have a downright intoxicating effect on you in my experience. That she’d have been willing to give that up just to make me happy… 

I was wrong about her. Or maybe I was right, but now she’d changed, and if I tried to keep acting like she was still a jerk, then I’d be the real jerk. She was a ray of freaking sunshine now. It was… Hard not to see the appeal. 

An image sparked in my mind, of Kate’s head resting on my lap, me stroking her hair, running my hands over her shoulders, tracing the outline of her lips with my fingers… 

I shook my head. That kind of thought wouldn’t help me at all in the days going forward. And honestly, it had been… Difficult to let myself feel attracted to another girl ever since Olivia left me. 

Another image burst across my mind’s eye, of Zeke stroking my hair while I rested my head in his lap, of him running his hands over the edges of my body… 

I shook my head again. I needed to stop this, otherwise I’d be veering dangerously close to fem-cel territory, and that was the last thing I wanted. Those two… Had each other now. If it didn’t work out, maybe I could pursue Zeke after he’d had an appropriate amount of time to grieve his former relationship. 

Assuming it went that far. Maybe tonight would go badly and then I could… 

No. Just no, Faith. Get over yourself. 

My hand was unconsciously drawn to my phone, resting on the coffee table, and I scrolled through my contacts and pulled up Olivia. My red-lacquered fingernail hovered over the call icon, and my hands began trembling. The phone slipped out and fell onto the floor, and as I reached for it, a furious knocking exploded from my front door. 

I groaned, then felt the sting of dysphoria as I realized I’d slipped into a low voice. I sat up, breathed a deep breath through my nose and held it in my chest while the knocking grew in rapidity and intensity. 

I exhaled, then walked over to the door. 

On the other side, I found a pale, dark-haired woman in her early fifties, her makeup a smudgy mess streaked across her blotchy face. She reeked of brandy and cigarettes, with ash-stains smeared across her white cardigan and blue skirt.

I sighed. “Hi, Mrs. Underhill.”

“Who are you?” she slurred, the traces of her Newcastle accent making themselves apparent. 

You’ve got to be kidding me- you’ve met me over a dozen times and you still don’t… Wait, she’s never seen me as a girl! Holy crap! Do I pass that well? Am I such a convincing girl that this idiot just straight-up doesn’t recognize me? I’ve gotta work with this. 

“Did my son finally get a girlfriend, then?” Mrs. Underhill spat. 

“No, I’m just his roommate,” I said, each word carefully plucked from the marijuana haze choking my mind. 

“Bah, his roommate- unbelievable, cohabitating with a young immigrant girl who doesn’t know better-”

My eyes narrowed. I see you’re the same as ever, bitch. “I was born here, ma’am. And both my parents are American citizens.”

“Are they, though?”

“Pretty sure I’d know that better than you.”

“Well, regardless, my scoundrel of a son should know better than to-”

“Don’t you talk about Zeke like that!” I snapped. “He’s a wonderful and upstanding young man!”

“Oh really? Well I’ve known him since the day he was born and I say he’s… Wait a moment.”

Oh, no. Paranoia stabbed through my chest, dread grasping my brain tightly. “Y-yes?”

“I completely forgot what I was here to talk about… Oh, right!” Mrs. Underhill said. 

“Y… Yeah?” I asked, the paranoia spreading to my stomach. 

“I’m getting a divorce!” 

My eyes shot way, way open. “That’s… Not actually surprising, honestly,” I said. Then my eyes went even wider at the realization that my dumb stoned brain said that out loud. Dammit, I was gonna give myself away!

“Wot d’you mean?” she said, her Britishness intensifying. 

“I, uh… Well, Zeke has, um, told me a lot about you and his dad.”

“Of course he did, that boy is completely incapable of keeping things- hic- in the family- hic,” she said. 

“Oh, wow, you are really plastered aren’t you, Mrs. Underhill?” I said, trying very hard not to giggle at this grown-ass woman drunk and hiccuping like a freaking sorority girl. 

“It’s- hic- Ms. Framing-h-h-ham to you, you little tart! Or it will be again soon. Ah never should have taken that miserable wretch’s last name. ‘Underhill.’ Wot a ridiculous name.” 

“Excuse you?!” I bit. 

“Oi, you heard me! You’re living with a young man in sin!” 

“It’s not like that!” I said, “I’m not Zeke’s girlfriend. We’ve never been… He and I are just friends!”

“Good, good- you don’t want anything to do with anything that came from my wretch of a soon to- hic- soon to- hic- soon to be ex-hic-husband!”

“Stop talking about my friend like that!” I said, stomping my foot. My voice dropped low again- DAMMIT!

Mrs. Underhill… Ms. Framingham’s eyes narrowed and she tilted her head to the side and leaned forward. “Frank? Is that you under all that nonsense, lad?”

“... You can’t prove that,” I said, my back stiffening. 

“Oi, you’ve got to be taking the piss- my good for nothing son is shacking up with a bloody tr-”

I slammed the door before she could finish. 

“You open this door right now, you little fairy! I will not tolerate you being around my son, you disgusting little-”

“I’m not just gonna stand there so you can lecture me, you drunk old bitch!” I hollered. “Now get out of here before I call the cops!”

“You wouldn’t dare!”

“Don’t call my bluff, lady! I’m from an Army family- you do NOT intimidate me!” God, I was way too high to deal with this. My chest was heaving up and down as I lumbered over to the couch and laid flat, clutching my phone tightly. I opened it, and Olivia’s contact was the first thing I saw. 

Dammit. I forgot what I’d just been doing. Stupid, stupid, stupid-

“Let! Me! In!”

“Nancy?” a rough voice accented with the neutral tones of southern California spoke from the other side. Oh, you’ve gotta be kidding me.

“Sid? Wot are you doing here, you louse?!”

“I came to speak with our son about our divorce.”

“No, you didn’t! I did- you don’t get to beat me to the punch.”

“He’s not home!” I yelled, doing my best to maintain a feminine tone. 

“Who was that?” Mr. Underhill asked. 

“Frank- little pervert thinks he’s a girl now.”

“Oh, lovely. Our son’s taste certainly hasn’t improved, then.”

“Both of you need to leave, or I WILL CALL THE POLICE!” I screamed. 

“No you won’t, you don’t have the balls!” Mr. Underhill shouted through the door. I could practically hear the self-satisfied smirk on the old bastard’s face as he said it. 

“Mom? Dad? What are you doing here?” Zeke’s voice reached me like a light of hope shining from the sky above. 

“Ezekiel, I need to talk to you,” his father said. 

“Wot are you doin’, shacking up with that freak in there?” his mom said. “And now you’ve got another one on your arm there- wot on earth is wrong with you?”

My jaw clenched, and I stood up and marched outside. “Don’t insult him!” I shouted. “Your son is one of the best people I’ve ever met, and I will not listen to you insult him in his own home.”

“Zeke, are you really going to let this freak talk to us like that?” his father asked. He was taller than Zeke, noticeably so at over six foot six. Zeke got his mother’s shorter, leaner frame, but he shared his father’s curly black hair and tan skin and green eyes. Mr. Underhill smelled like cheap beer to go along with Ms. Framingham’s hard liquor aroma, his baggy Megadeth t-shirt tucked into his ill-fitting jeans. He was in remarkably good shape still, I had to give him that; they both were. Zeke had always described them as people who excelled at making others think nothing at all was wrong with them. 

Evidently, tonight the masks were off.  

Zeke gulped.

And behind him, Katie, oh poor, sweet, innocent Katie, trembled with a rage I recognized all too well. Her hands were balled into fists at her sides, but her eyes flickered with apprehension. Poor thing. She was worried about taking another step backwards. 

She shouldn’t have to do that. Not after her first date with the boy she liked. 

I marched past Zeke’s parents and grabbed both Zeke and Katie by the wrists, and pulled them into the apartment and slammed the door. 

“Unbelievable!” Mr. Underhill said. “You stupid little tr-”

“Don’t you dare finish that sentence!” Zeke snapped. “You will not insult my friends. Now get out, or I’ll call the cops!”

“You wouldn’t dare!” Ms. Framingham said. 

“Ezekiel, c’mon, don’t be like that,” Mr. Underhill said. “We need to tell you something important!”

“Then stop burying the lede and say it!” Zeke said. 

“Not until you come out here, young man!”

“Your parents are getting divorced,” I said. 

Katie put a hand over her mouth in shock, her eyes wide as she backed further into my apartment.

Zeke blinked. “What?”

“Oh for God’s sake- he wasn’t meant to tell you!” Ms. Framingham said. 

“So it’s true?” Zeke said through the door. 

“... Yes.”

“Alright. Can’t say I’m surprised,” Zeke said. “Now I know. So you can leave.”

“Is that seriously all you have to say?” 

“I’m calling the police now,” Zeke said. 

“I already did,” I said, holding up my phone and hitting the speaker button. 

“9-1-1 what’s your emergency?” said the operator on the other end of the line. 

“Bloody hell!” Ms. Framingham said as she stomped off. 

“Jesus Christ,” Mr. Underhill mumbled as he did the same. 

“Oh, just a couple of pests who wouldn’t leave,” I said to the dispatcher. “It’s taken care of, though. Have a great night!”

I hung up, and then the three of us all looked at each other. 

Well, that’s not quite true: Katie and I looked at each other, and then at Zeke, who’d slipped into a thousand-yard stare. Katie clung to his arm and said, “Are you okay?”

“I don’t… I don’t know,” he replied. 

“Want something to drink?” I asked. 

“After that shameless display? I might never drink again,” Zeke said.

I nodded, then looked at Katie and mouthed, ‘take care of him for a sec?’

She nodded. 

I scampered off, opening the windows, turning on all the fans, and retrieving a few joints. I led the new couple over to the couch and sat them down, Zeke in the middle and Katie to his left. I sat on his right, then lit the joint and passed it to him. 

Zeke inhaled deeply, breathed out, and coughed slightly. 

Katie, meanwhile, coughed up a storm. 

“First time?” I asked. 

Her jaw dropped. 

“Not like that,” I said in monotone. 

She nodded rapidly. 

“Figured. Zeke, talk to me. What’s going through your head, big guy?”

“Just… Wish I could say I was surprised by any of this,” Zeke said. “I don’t even know why I care- I barely talk to them anymore. I haven’t lived with them since I was eighteen. They drive me insane. They drive each other insane. I just… I dunno.”

“They shouldn’t talk to you like that,” Kate said, leaning forward, brow furrowed, hands gripping her knees tightly. “I just… It’s not okay. How can… How can any parent think that’s an okay way to talk to your kid!?”

“Katie, you’re shaking,” Zeke said. 

“I- I am? Huh? I just… Everything feels really… Intense right now… And I just…”

“You don’t have to get angry, you know,” I said. “I saw you back there, about to lose your temper. And I get it, but you don’t have to. You can be supportive in other ways.”

“How so?” she asked. 

“Zeke, put your arm around her,” I said. 

“Huh?” he said. 

“Zeke, put your arm around the pretty girl!” I said. “Trust me, it’ll be good for both of you right now.”

Zeke looked at me with immense confusion, then did as he was bid and put his arm around Katie. 

“Good. Feel better?” I asked. 

“Yeah, actually,” Kate said.

“A bit,” Zeke said. “I’m sorry you both had to see all that.”

“It’s okay,” I said. 

“I’m fine, really,” Kate said. “And this isn’t about me, it’s about you. How are you feeling?”

He took another hit, long and drawn out, then pawed at the puff of smoke he exhaled. “Well, the date went really well.”

“It did?” I said, forcing a smile onto my face. Be supportive, be supportive, be supportive. 

“I think so,” Kate said as she coughed out another puff. “We did run into some people from work though.”

“Oh?”

They relayed the encounter with Olivia and the others to me, at which point I buried my face in my hands. 

I felt Zeke’s hand on my back, and another hand, presumably Katie’s, patting my head. I opened my eyes and saw them both smiling at me, and a warm flush went through my body. “Olivia’s gonna keep being weird about this stuff, isn’t she?” I said. 

“You know her better than me,” Kate said. 

“Or me,” Zeke pointed out. 

“Blarg.”

At that point, Kate leaned over Zeke’s frame and grabbed my hands. I blushed- seriously, what was with this girl and unprompted physical contact?- but I didn’t protest. “Let’s all do something to get our minds off of things. Ruminating won’t help us, now will it?”

Zeke cracked a smile. “What did you have in mind?”

“We could play ‘never have I ever.’ Or ‘two truths and a lie.’”

“Going for the throwback, I see,” Zeke chuckled. “I haven’t played one of those since freshman year of college. I’m game, though.”

I hesitated. This could go badly. One of us- namely, myself- could say something we regret. Unfortunately, I’m really, really, really dumb, and when I’m stoned, that becomes amplified twenty-fold, so I simply nodded and said, “How about two truths and a lie?”

“Works for me!” Kate said, with that winning smile. 

“Cool,” Zeke said, clearly glad to have changed the mood of the night. 

“I’ll go first,” Kate said. “I’ve been wearing women’s underwear since I was twelve. I drink skim milk every day. I don’t like bananas.”

“Hmmmm?” Zeke said. 

“I mean, I sure hope you like bananas, if you’re gonna be dating a guy,” I laughed.

Kate blushed. 

Zeke looked at me reproachfully and said, “Faith…”

Then Kate started giggling. 

“Oh, you totally like bananas- that was the lie!” I said, pointing at her. 

“Well, I didn’t used to like them, but I’ve acquired the taste of late,” Kate smirked. 

Zeke’s face scrunched up as he tried to keep his laughter in a bottle. The attempt, while valiant, failed wholesale within the first ten seconds. “That’s good to know.”

“I mean if we’re gonna keep seeing each other, yeah,” Kate said, her eyebrows shooting up and down several times. She took a hit, owing to having lost the round.

“Dear God,” I muttered. 

“What?” they both said at once. 

I just laughed, and laughed. “Nothing. I’ll go next. My favorite anime is Legend of the Galactic Heroes. I have a half-brother from my dad’s first marriage who’s fifteen years older than me. I prefer waxing my legs to shaving them.”

“It’s the second one,” Zeke said. “I’ve known you since I was eighteen- there is literally no way you’ve had a half-brother this whole time and never mentioned him once.”

“Kate, what’s your guess?” I asked. 

“The second one as well,” Kate said. “You give off major ‘only child energy.’”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I said, my jaw dropping and my fists planting on hips in mock outrage. 

“You know what it means,” Kate said, waving her hand at me. 

“No, I don’t, because I really do have an older half-brother from my dad’s first marriage!” I laughed. 

“No freaking way,” Zeke said. 

“Yes freaking way!” I said, pulling out my phone and scrolling to a family photo. “His name is Darren Watanabe Junior, DJ for short. My dad knocked up a local gal when he was stationed in Nairobi. They were married for like, five years before they split up. He met my mom when he got transferred back to the states, and took a while for them to get together and have another kid.”

“How am I just now learning this?” Zeke said, taking the obligatory hit. “Your parents were at our graduation last year- where was DJ then?

“Torii Station, Okinawa,” I said. “He’s a Major in the Army. And like I said, he and I aren’t that close- he started attending West Point when I was three and shipped out to Afghanistan when I was seven. Think the last time I saw him was… Like, right before I started college.”

“Huh,” Zeke said. “The more you know.”

Kate coughed as she took another hit. “Indeed. What’s the lie then?”

“My favorite anime is actually Eureka Seven,” I said. “Your turn, Zeke.”

“Okay, okay, lemme think,” he said. “Uh… I was on the cross country team in high school. I speak fluent Romani. I’ve never been outside of California.”

“There’s no way you’ve never left California, even I’ve been outside California,” Kate said. 

“You do not speak fluent Romani,” I said.

He looked me dead in the eyes and said a few words in a language I didn’t recognize. 

I blinked. “Huh. Was that-”

“Romani. Vlax Romani specifically,” he said. “One of the only cool things my old man ever taught me.” He offered me the joint, then turned to Kate and poked her on the nose. “You, however, were correct. My dad also once took me on a business trip to Vegas.”

“Your dad is a mechanic,” I pointed out. 

“A business trip to Vegas?” Kate said, tilting her head.

“His business is being a cheating man-whore,” Zeke laughed bitterly. “Either way, Kate wins this one.”

“Guess she really is a good fit for you,” I winced. 

A pregnant pause sat atop us all for a few seconds. I shook my head. Stupid, stupid, stupid- why would you say that?! Oh, right, I’m stoned. That’s why. 

“My turn again,” Kate said, leaning against the side of the sofa and putting her bare feet on Zeke’s lap. Damn, Kate, that’s bold. “I’ve never been outside of America. I don’t have any family outside of my parents. I’m a virgin.”

I started coughing, and so did Zeke. Kate just giggled at the both of us, holding her hand over her mouth. God, she had a cute laugh. It was insane how cute she was… No wonder Zeke was into her, she was adorable. And with how hot her mom was, the hormones were liable to be VERY good to her. “There’s no way a cutie like you is a virgin,” I said. 

Zeke and Kate both stared at me for a moment.  

“W-w-w-well, Zeke, w-w-w-what’s your guess?” I finally managed to squeak out.

“I find it slightly hard to believe your parents are your only relatives, even if it would explain how close y’all are,” Zeke said. 

“Nope on both your guesses,” she chirped. “I went on a family vacation to Mexico once when I was very small. My parents are both only children and my grandparents are all dearly departed. And, uh, I’ve never gotten around to that last thing.”

“Well, we can work on that,” Zeke said suggestively. 

Kate gulped, wide-eyed and blushing. I smiled at them both. Good. If this happened, if they happened, I could move on. Good. This was good. Good good good. 

“Your turn, Faith,” Kate said. 

I took a hit, and did my best approximation of Kate’s cute girl giggle. Thoughts drifted out of the smoke around my brain, of Zeke, of Kate, of myself, of various permutations of the three of us. Sometimes all three of us. “My favorite drink is a Cosmopolitan. I’ve always wanted to go white-water rafting. I’m bisexual.”

A sense of relief, like Atlas’ burden was suddenly taken away from me, came all at once. I’d never actually said it out loud before, never let myself say the word in reference to myself. I’d never… Admitted it. Never actually admitted that I liked guys. Zeke, yes, but not guys in general. It was scary, as if I were afraid that people would look at me differently, as if I would be different, as if things between Zeke and I would change if he knew… 

But I’d wanted things to change. I’d just been too scared and too stupid to try to make it happen. 

“You don’t really seem like a white-water rafting girl,” Kate said. 

“She’s not,” Zeke said. “That one is the lie.”

I smiled. They hadn’t even blinked. Neither of them had. Thank God. “Guilty as charged,” I said as I took another hit. 

***

“Oh, yeah, I should probably give these back,” Kate said, reaching down her dress and pulling out the falsies. 

“Keep ‘em,” I said, shaking my head. 

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, I’m sure,” I said. 

Zeke had passed out, and was lying across the couch while Kate and I sat on the floor painting each other’s toenails. The hours had worn on, and on, and on, and both of us were so damned stoned it was clear that Kate wasn’t gonna be driving any time soon. She texted her parents that she would be home in time for her shift tomorrow. The clock was getting close to striking twelve, but the princess wasn’t leaving anytime soon. I was painting her nails pink, because she seemed like that kinda girl, while she was doing mine red, because I was that kind of girl. 

“I just,” Kate said, “I feel like it’s gonna create expectations I can’t live up to, once my boobs actually start growing in.”

“Pffffttttt.”

“What?”

“I think you’ll be fine.”

“How do you mean?”

“I mean your mom has got big bountiful bimbo bazongas, so you’ll probably have them as well.”

“What?!”

“Milf’s got them tig ol’ bitties-”

“Yeah, I heard you, I was just flabbergasted. Also, did you just refer to my mother as ‘milf.’”

“I calls it like I sees it. Just like I sees them honkin’ hooters-”

“You’re really determined to milk this joke, aren’t you?” Kate monotoned.

I cackled. “Was that on purpose?”

She smirked. “Might have been.”

“This conversation is udderly ridiculous,” Zeke said, his eyes still closed. 

“You’re awake?!” Kate and I both shouted. 

“Hard to sleep when you two are being so loud,” he laughed. 

I felt myself blush; I SAW Kate blush. Honestly, it was a relief, knowing it wasn’t just me. 

***

Morning came, and I woke up on the floor, snuggling something warm and soft, and smelling something greasy and delicious. I opened my eyes to find myself resting my head on Kate’s shoulder while we both leaned against the front of the couch, Lacus shoved between us as a shared neck-pillow. I slowly pulled myself away, making sure the plush seal was safely nestled in Kate’s arms, letting my eyes drift over to the kitchen. 

Zeke was hard at work, cooking bacon and hash browns together on the cast iron skillet, while a plate of fresh strawberries sat in the center of the breakfast table next to a bowl of vanilla yogurt mixed with granola. The coffee maker fizzled with percolation, and our entire supply of orange juice had been placed into a glass pitcher I didn’t even know we owned. 

“Dang, Underhill, pulling out all the stops,” I said as I wandered over to the kitchen and wafted the delicious smell of the breakfast food. 

“It’s not too much, is it?” he said. 

“Nah, I think you’ll be fine,” I said, leaning against the side of our stainless steel fridge. 

“I just… Really wanted last night to be perfect, you know?”

“I get it. It seemed pretty great from where I was sitting though.”

“Yeah, but between Olivia and my parents and everything… It didn’t go quite as hoped. Thank you for helping out though- really came in clutch.”

“No problem,” I said, looking at the floor. 

He looked at me, as if he were considering saying something. He opened his mouth. 

I put a hand on his chest and said, “I was wrong about Kate. She’s fantastic. And she’s fantastic for you. Just don’t hurt her, okay? Everything is still new to her.”

He closed his mouth, and he nodded solemnly. 

Part of me wished I’d let him say whatever it was he was about to say. I didn’t even know what it was, but it looked as if… No. No, I didn’t want to know. I’d had my window, let it hang open for a full year while I’d been too stubborn and too scared to go through it. Kate had seen the opening and jumped right on through because she was just braver than I was. She deserved him. I didn’t. And looking at her there, in that moment, the idea of doing anything to hurt her just seemed cruel beyond measure. 

These two would work out. I’d move on. That was how it had to be. 

“Breakfast is almost ready,” Zeke said. 

“I’ll wake up sleeping beauty, then,” I said. 

As I nudged Katie awake and led her groggy ass to the breakfast table, I took in the sight before me. I was happy if he was happy, and what was more… I was happy if she was happy too. If this was how it had to be… Then I could learn to live with it.