The tiredness in my body is starting to pose itself as eternal. My eyelids feel heavy, as if weights have been glued to each my lashes. Yet, sleep has become foreign for me. When lay in my bed, it is as if that mere action provides me a boost of energy, which disappears almost immediately the moment I sit up. It’s a shame, really. Every night stretches into years and years yet the day passes in the blink of an eye. It is no monster under the bed that haunts me. It is no monster in the closet that haunts me. It is simply my own mind that I wish to rid myself of.
The human mind is such a complex thing. So terrifyingly beautiful. It is so frail yet so destructive. It is the mind that shatters a person’s purpose. The mind is a weapon. Not only to others, but to our own existence as well. It is our rise and downfall. It is our life and death.
I would like to one-day look into the mind of a person of my situation. One that does not have any desire to live, yet is too cowardly to end their miserable existence. A mind that wants to die and a heart that wants to live. Such a shameful, shameful existence. Only thing that keeps such a melancholy man going is the pity from others. The pity that disguises itself as kindness. The “kindness” that blooms hope in his chest, and shatters it all the better. There is no thing such as pain or pleasure in this world. They are one and the same. We have simply deceived ourselves to believe a lie, what a joyous thing it is to be alive!
My mother is a sick woman. Recently, her sickness has increased tenfold. She is a patient of V.T. Just yesterday, she had a severe episode. It was nothing like I had ever seen before. It occurred in the evening, and she was unable to move for the remaining half of the day. Now, she has gained mobility again but still has pain with every breath she takes. Every time I look at her, an image of her on a hospital bed flatlined flashes into my mind. The fact that one day, she could have an episode severe enough to end her life, terrifies me. If such a thing were to happen, I pray to God to kill me first before such a horrendous event occurs. My head aches with the thought of it actually taking place. Surely, as soon as a doctor announces such a thing, I will die of my own hands.
Death and disease follows me around wherever I go. A late friend of mine, Jesse, passed away in an apartment complex as their neighbors left a can of pesticide open. The pesticide had entered his apartment due to the connected ventilation system of the building, and he had passes away from inhaling the toxic substance. His sister, mother and father along with him had all been admitted in the ICU. All except him had recovered with no permanent damage. In fact, he had died before he was taken to the hospital.
I remember reading the article of his death, after his cousin gave me the news. I read it out of disbelief. It just felt impossible. The poor boy had done nothing that could lead to something like this. The “Present Times” and “Daleman News” articles both displayed a beautiful picture of him and Anne (his sister) smiling, with a childish glow on their faces and innocent happiness.
Banned pesticide caused death of German boy: Police
Jesse with his twin sister Anne. The girl is admitted in the ICU of Salus Hospital.
Amesbury - The pesticide used in the apartment is aluminum phosphide, which is banned in residential areas.
Published: Mon 27 May 2019, 7:03 AM
Last updated: Tue 28 May 2019, 9:00 PM
A banned pesticide that was used in a neighboring apartment caused the death of a 10-year-old boy in Amesbury, the Wiltshire Police Department have said.
The family of German boy Jesse, who died on Friday, is struggling through legal clearance to get his body released.
His father Wagner Fischer said they would bury the boy in the Amesbury since they could not leave his twin sister Anne alone at the hospital. "It's been four days and we want to bury our boy. We have to do it here since his sister is still in serious condition."
Lt. Hoffman, head of the investigation team at Wiltshire Police Department, said a team comprising officers from the forensic department and the Amesbury Municipality rushed to the building and found out that the toxic gas had emanated from a neighboring apartment. The team broke open the door of the apartment, where the occupant had left the country for vacation after spraying pesticide and locking its door.
According to sources, the pesticide used in the apartment is aluminum phosphide, which is banned in residential areas.
Anne's heart has been affected after inhaling the poisonous gas and she is currently in the ICU of Greenwood Hospital.
"We want her transferred to Salus Hospital in Swindon but there are some complications," he said.
On May 23, Wagner fell ill in the afternoon and had to break his fast. "By evening, my son also felt ill. He was dizzy and felt nauseous so we both went to the hospital where he was given a drip," said Wagner.
Later at night, his wife Freida and daughter Anne also felt some uneasiness. "I left my son at home since he had been to hospital and we three went to the hospital," said Wagner.
"Upon our return at 5am, I found Jesse had vomited and I gave him a glass of water and put him to bed," said the bereaved father.
By 7am, the family was up again after feeling uneasy. "Jesse then came running into our room and said "Mum, Dad" and then fell unconscious," said Wagner.
By the time the ambulance came, he had already passed away. The family was taken to hospital and stayed in the ICU. Though Wagner and his wife were discharged on Sunday, Anne is still under observation. Wagner said that there were no fumes or smell that could alert them of the dangerous gas they were breathing in. "Authorities thought it's food poisoning," he said.
His wife is heartbroken over the loss of her only son who was brought up in Amesbury. The kids studied at Adamas High school and College in Amesbury.
Girl's condition stable
Dr Amelia Maisie, director of gynaecology and children's department at Greenwood Hospital, told Daleman News that the child arrived at the hospital dead while the girl was in a severe state of fatigue and suffered from a severe drop in the function of heart and vital organs and difficulties in breathing.
She added that the medical staff did necessary procedures and admitted the girl to the ICU. Her health condition is currently stable, but it will take several days for her to leave the hospital.
"When patients arrive in the hospital with symptoms of vomiting and severe fatigue, it is very difficult to distinguish initially between food poisoning or inhalation of banned substances due to similarities in symptoms," said Dr Maisie.
I remember feeling a kind of urgency as soon as I read the headline. Now, it’s as if a shadow of death and disease looms over my life. I feel as if I may have done something that could warrant to this. In what way, I am not sure. I believe his time of passing was May 24th, 2019. It has been 5 years since his passing.
I had visited her a couple of weeks after his passing. She had recovered by that time. I opted not to bring his death up so as to not upset her. But it was more of a mercy for myself. However, she herself brought the topic up and I could do nothing as a pebble placed itself in my throat and my eyes became glossy.
“the child arrived at the hospital dead”
I am cowardly. On the day of the funeral, I had not a single strand of courage to maybe stand by her side as her brother was buried 6 feet below. No. I had not even the courage to attend the funeral. Only my father had attended it and heartily expressed his condolences for the family. My mother had stayed behind to look after me. Of course, my siblings had no business attending the funeral. I was told that many of the school teachers attended the funeral. Of them, my English teacher, miss Cleo, was the most grieved.
Another classmate of mine has been afflicted with illness. An intervertebral disc has been displaced. Although she and I are no longer friends, I still feel some sort of responsibility for her.
Pain and grief follows me wherever I go. Is such a life really worth living?
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