Receiving the call from Sam had been a surprise, to say the least. The last time she had interacted with Dean he had expressed a disinterest in ever seeing her again. But now they needed her and for a baby at that. A baby that they had just… found, a stranger. Over the phone Sam had sounded nearly annoyed about the entire situation, not unexpected — he was different now and constantly preoccupied with their unusual… skill set. 

If someone were to listen to the recording they would assume that the two were distant acquaintances, perhaps with a few conversations under their belts but nothing indicated any sort of prior friendship. That’s what they had been. Friends. Prime word in that expression being had. One day it was there and the next it was gone. At least Dean had given an excuse, no matter how it had felt. Sam was just different and had pretty much left Alive in his dust. He now favoured hunting over everything else. Maybe for the distraction? Originally she had hoped to figure out what was going on with him to make him so odd but Sam had pretty much stopped coming around...

 

So…

 

When Allie finally arrived at the motel Sam had given her he wasn’t even there. The room was akin to most others that they experienced in years prior. Walls had washed out paint tones, presumably from being mopped over and over. Nicotine and bad choices were not easy to eradicate. 

Dean was sitting on the bed when she walked in (without knocking). One would think that Sam would have communicated to Dean that she’d be showing up but of course - he didn’t.

 

Dean had just gotten the baby, Bobby-John, down. He had never necessarily seen himself as a father until Ben and Lisa came into the picture and now? Well, now Ben sort of felt like his. Plus, he took care of Sammy when he was young. He had tried to perform a nonchalant attitude when he went to the store with Sam to get baby stuff but really he knew more about kids than he thought. Just little things that you pick up along the way through conversation while living in the suburbs.

Hosting neighbourhood barbeques and the odd football brought up average American dad topics. Highlights included: wife’s breastfeeding and boobs are crazy huge, work doesn’t understand when people have kids, wanting to golf but having to stay home and change diapers instead, not being able to play video games all day anymore…

It’s not that the guys he had surrounded himself with were bad guys. They just didn’t know how to appreciate the lives that they led. They’d never been to Hell or met angels, or used silver to kill their shapeshifter doppelganger. They were just normal suburban men.

The sight of Allie walking through the motel door made him tense. Seeing her walk around like nothing had happened was jarring. She was wearing her hair differently. Her body even looked… filled out. He hadn’t recognized that last time. “Allie?” He paused, eyes roaming over her. “What are you doing here?” he spoke incredulously.

 

Allie’s eyes flickered from side to side in confusion. “Uh…” she scratched her head awkwardly. “What do you mean? Sam called me— to help with the baby .” her head gestured to the crib as she gently rocked between her feet, unable to firmly plant herself in the moment due to the unnatural uncomfortable air between them. That was new. The space between them could be filmed and made into a sarcastic comedy about stupid people who didn’t know how to interact.

Dean sighed and stood, tall frame leaning over her as he grew closer, subconsciously moving to stand within tight proximity. It's hard to teach an old dog new tricks. “He didn’t tell me you were coming.” He wanted to reach out and touch her. They always had a language of physical touch but he held back, his fingers tapping against his leg to fight the habit.

Growing up his idle movements had made him wonder if perhaps he had an affliction, considering he found it difficult to sit still at times. John never seemed to notice and so… the internal question of ‘what’s wrong with me?’ went unanswered. Though, he had many other reasons for asking such things.

 

Allie snorted. “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.”  She turned away from him, feeling jaded by their physical closeness. Something once familiar had turned sour. All this time she’d been yearning to be touched by him, yet now she pulled away. The action should have been inappropriate given her longing but… sometimes people made choices that just didn’t make sense.

"Well hello, Bobby-John." Sam had told her that was the baby's name, well, the name they had given him. She cooed and pulled the infant into her arms, maternal instincts kicking in. "You are so cute. Yes, you are! Yes!" Allie grinned. "Are you tired of listening to classic rock yet?"

 

He smiled and laughed at her comment though he did notice her subtly move away from him.

That sucked but he deserved it.

"The poor kid is stuck in this place with Sam and I. Not exactly the best place to raise a kid."

He walked over and grabbed a beer from the mini fridge, taking a swig before leaning against the table to look at Allie holding Bobby-John. She looked like a natural and it made his heart hurt. He was so in love with her and he was a fucking idiot for refusing her place in his life. He missed her. A lot. Why did God have to be so cruel? This was the worst joke ever played on him. Right woman, wrong time. Dean took another drink from his beer to hide his regret.

"So, you're pretty good with kids." He said, raising his brow.

 

Allie bounced the baby on her hip enthusiastically. "Oh yeah, I'm a regular Mrs. Doubtfire," She laughed and gently nuzzled her face into Bobby-John's cheek. He cooed happily and giggled, small lips opening to smile. She began to sing "Baby Beluga" by Raffi. A children's tune from the 80's. If someone had asked her why it came to mind she wouldn’t have an answer. The song was sweet, easy, and about a mother and her child at its bare bones.

 

"Baby beluga in the deep blue sea

Swim so wild and you swim so free

Heaven above and the sea below

And a little white whale on the go

Baby beluga, oh baby beluga

Is the water warm

is your mama home with you, so happy" 

 

She twirled with a large smile across her cheeks. She missed caring for children. Having her own mother ripped from her at the cusp of nineteen. An adult, though only legally. At the time she hadn’t felt like one no matter what choices the hospital had pressed upon her under the guise of ‘power of attorney’ and ‘next of kin’. Getting to supply the love that was now absent in her own life did lift the pain a little… a little.

 

Dean rolled his eyes and laughed. "Oh god, don't start singing," He joked. His heart ached in his chest though. He missed hearing her voice. It was always soothing. Allie often did it on their road trips casually under her breath, or sometimes loud and unashamed with him.

He cleared his throat. "You look good holding a baby," He put the beer down and looked at her. "We could use some help with him. Maybe you could help us take care of him while we figure out what's going on? Longer than tonight." Had that been an excuse? Dean told himself no. This wasn’t about being with Allie again, it was about the kid. He was the right thing for the kid…

He took a step towards her. "I mean, only if you want to." Again, the yearning for physical contact with her ravaged their abrupt interaction.

Dean was a wreck. He'd fucked everything up with Allie. He shouldn't have left her but he didn't know what to do with Lisa involved. He loved Lisa but it was a different kind of love. Seeing Allie alive only rubbed salt into the wound.

 

Allie was deep into the motherly role practically instantly. She had wanted children but the hunting life wasn't exactly accommodating to such desires. It took her a moment to even register what Dean had said. "What? Oh! Sure. I'd love to" She pressed a soft and sweet kiss to Bobby-John's cheek before setting him back down in the crib.

"No pacifier?" It looked like they had gone to the store, yet forgotten one of the simplest parts of parenthood— attempting to keep the baby from crying. "Thank God I picked some up," She wrestled with her purse before pulling out the paci. "Babies lose these things like crazy. Gotta double up." 

 

Dean grinned when Allie agreed to help. He knew she would. He had a hard time saying no to her and she would always have a hard time saying no to him. Sure they pissed each other off at times but really this was the longest they had ever gone without talking (discounting the time when he believed her to be deceased). The time apart hadn’t been kind to him. A part of him wondered if it had been just as hard on her.

Dean wanted her to miss him.

When he heard her talk about how babies lose their pacifiers, he thought fondly of her nursing prowess. She was smart and capable. He wondered what it would be like to raise a kid with her. He knew it could never happen. He had fucked up too much. She must have hated him after what he said to her. At the time it was… unnatural improv, it went against everything he had ever created with her.

He walked closer to her and touched her shoulder. "Hey, I know I've been a total dick to you about..."

 

Allie felt her heart hammer in her chest as he spoke, lips parting in frustration. "Shit happens. Don't worry about it," She denied her own pain and forced on a fake smile. He was with Lisa now and their friendship would never go back to the way it was. There in a second, gone in a flash. She turned back to the baby. "Oops, I mean shoot don't I? Nickle in the swear jar for Allie." Her fingertips reached out to tickle the infant's stomach.

 

Dean sighed and squeezed her shoulder. "Yeah, shit happens. But I should have talked to you about it. I know I'm doing the whole normal thing but you know you'll always be my number one girl, right?" He moved his hand from her shoulder to her hip. "I'm sorry I haven't been there for you lately, Allie-Cat." He couldn’t help but touch her, couldn’t resist lining his apology with nicknames and signifiers of their previous connection; the pull was too strong. Old habits died hard and Dean slid his other hand over her other hip and drew her close to him.

He leaned in and pressed his forehead against hers. This was all that they could ever have and he was… well he had to be okay with that. He was no cheater and he’d never hurt Lisa, especially not after everything she had done for him — all the crap he had put her through by showing up on her doorstep.

"I know I'm the biggest jerk you know and I shouldn't be allowed to speak but..." He said softly.

"You've been the one thing in my life that's kept me sane for six years." He paused and tucked her head under his chin, deciding to try and smooth over what had happened. “I’m sorry.” things were different now. They couldn’t go back but at least he could still have a part of her, even if it was small.

 

Considering how things were going with Sam, Allie didn’t put up much of a fight towards Dean’s embrace. Frankly, she needed physical contact from someone. Going from having a whole found family to losing it all in such a short period of time had been an adjustment that she was unprepared for. Originally she had expected to lose Sam and potentially Dean during the fight with Lucifer. Them being dead somehow would have been an easier pill to swallow, certainly easier than knowing they were both alive… but they just didn’t really need her around anymore. The sting was profound and lengthy, it invaded her dreams, her showers, and her meals. Why was everything in life conditional?

 

“It’s fine.” She hadn’t meant the words to sound so blunt. Her heart ached with pain and yet she couldn’t fucking voice it because of her own experiences, her own walls, and built-up separations. A mother and friend to all — except herself. They’d come so far only for her to become defensive of her insides again. A cycle.

“Let’s just focus on the kid.” Allie reluctantly stepped away from his tender embrace and soon she was left in the cold again. The inner cold… and it froze. Always winter. The summer of intimacy had passed. Now the snow would settle into her fragile bones until she was six feet under. All of this when she hadn’t even wanted to be a hero anymore. So why was she still doing it?

 

Dean watched her move away from his arms with a heavy breath. His chest rose and fell to the weight of his own loneliness. He had a home to arrive at after all was said and done, yet it didn’t feel like home. His family — Sam and Allie — weren’t there. Lisa and Ben had given him so much, why couldn’t he be fucking satisfied with that? Why did he need to look around every corner, check every shadow, and keep a gun under their bed at night? Why couldn’t he have been fucking normal? All of this to stand in front of the woman he loved and watch her turn away! All because he never expressed himself in the first place. Because he couldn’t. No one had ever allowed him to and now he didn’t feel like a man if he did. He wanted to curse the world, to grip god in his calloused hands and shake him until his bones ripped out of his vessel and cracked beneath Dean’s pent-up frustrations at the world and how it had treated him. One woman. One woman had been the only one to ever actually fucking understand him the way he yearned to be understood and now she was pulling away, slipping slowly from him while he just looked on.

“Okay.”