I often wonder, what is the purpose of my existence? Then I hear someone lecturing about Einstein's answer to the same question. There is no purpose at all! Purpose was a term introduced to induce self-respect and self-importance. I'm drifting aimlessly like a kite with its string cut. There are many things I want to do, many places I want to be and many people I wish to become. Nothing is possible, and nothing really works out.
What do I want to be? A writer? Famous? An engineer? A businessman?
The answer would be everything! But the inherent talent is not there for anything. No confidence and no self-respect. What am I even doing with my life? I have absolutely no idea of the direction I'm going forward at.
I regret about the classes at Civilianz. I regret skipping out. At the same time, I regret going there as a whole. I should've found employment somewhere. What was I thinking when I thought I could do it? Government job is for smart people, someone like me don't deserve it.
The laptop screen finally blew up. Instead of failing completely, its glowing white now, laughing at me with its white teeth. There goes the nonexistent writing career. Also, no more job applications for you, Mr. Vivek.
Tomorrow would be the detailers' interview. Totally no confidence. These four walls are too comforting. If I could, I would never live them in my lifetime. But, alas! It's not possible. If time froze just now, I would be glad to have my loving parents with me everytime. The idea of not being with them is more hurting than any physical pain in the world.
So, not going for a GATE coaching was stupid. I should have at least applied for GATE.
Existing has become quite sad and difficult. The thought of nonexistence is altogether mighty frightening. If a rift opens to another world just now, I would jump head first.
After writing all this, the most terrible fact that still remains is that I don't feel any more confident than I felt twentytwo minutes ago. Yes, life sucks. The outsiders may feel that I'm a privileged sheltered boy. I would say that I'm a moderately privileged sheltered boy. The greatest regret of this moment is that I feel like I'm letting down my parents. Writing all this down, I don't feel any better at all. That's how life is! There are no heroics or dramas. When you fell sad and down, even if you share your pain with a million people, it's still too damn painful.
I guess I'm not meant to be what I wish to be in this life. What can I say, Bad Karma! I wish things would turn out fine, and I would share this note with others when I'm successful, if at all!
Then again, what is success? Having a roof over your head? Having good food to eat? Living carefree? Being popular? I don't know and I don't think I would ever know. Doing what I want to do without letting down the people I love would be the definition of successful that I find more apt.
Good night Vivek. I hope you will be human too one day.
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