Chapter Theme Music: Valhalla ~ Bryan El

<04/01/69,120 {Avion 68} - 14:14 | (Sierra's Starship), Genosis, Altiri Sector Space>

When someone important to me dies, I weep, I cry, and I break. No matter how long I hold it in, nothing can restrain the flood of tears or the shattering of my heart. How immortal are we really, if accidental death can come to claim us? How much longer will it be now, until our population slowly declines all the way to zero? We may not age quickly, but control over life and death is something no mortal has, be it some other alien, or us Altiri.

But it turns out there are more ways than one to die; I never knew of them all until now. Even if we survive, our will to live may not. That which once gave us purpose can be extinguished as easy as thruster light, leaving behind someone who knows nothing, cares for nothing, and dreams of entropic nothingness and oblivion without alternative.

When my mother died that day, in the star date of 49,139, September 22, I thought it was the worst feeling in the world, that I had lost everything and would never get it back. It turns out there was something even worse than this gut-wrenching sensation that consumed us all, something only I was responsible for. Legasso may have killed my mother, but he did not slay my thoughts of her. If I can so easily forget every single detail about the person who once loved me, am I any better than a disgusting monster? It's better to fade in this isolated shell of nothingness I've hid myself in.

"I understand... No, it's okay. We're all here for each other after all." Sierra sighed, yielding nothing but silent concern as she softly held me on her lap.

I lay to rest, my body, my thoughts, and everything I ever feel. I rot awake; I do not sleep, and now I exist in a state between the living and the dead, where I assume to belong.

"Oh Lumina," she whispered while stroking my long soft hair, taking care of me while her crew did the same for my other crew. On her ship again, all of us were together as we had been before, though a tsunami of sadness dominated all control. "I know you think this is all somehow your fault, that you had perfect control of your memories..."

Nothing she could say would ever console me, as I knew the truth. This strange memory loss about my mother is something shared by many Altiri alike, as if some wave of memory wipe had swept through us all... If only that were the case, maybe then I wouldn't have to blame myself. However, I've checked this several times. Not all Altiri were affected in this way. Many do remember their lives long passed, the women who birthed them and loved them. If they can remember where I have failed, then it isn't anything beyond some messed up psychology, right? I can't even remember her name or her face. What kind of daughter am I, to forget something so important, to lose something so precious to me? I remember the name and face of a mass murderer, but not my own mother; those are the undeniable facts, the qualities that make me useless in any society. So I continued to lay here crying. Even when my eyes were too tired to storm, my heart would take over again and again, days turning into years of this.

I love Sierra and Blissera; they are like sisters to me too, even though we are in different aggressor groups. Even so, nothing they say will ever make this okay.

"I wish I could see you smile again Lumina. Nobody deserves to suffer like this." Sierra wasn't referring only to the present moment, but to other moments as well.

Further into the past, my aggressor group, the Cy-Stars ran into the crew of the Stryders and the Radion during a joint temple meeting following the Fall of Zinod. After some time, we started communicating with each other more, despite the communication ban. I never understood why, but hearing Sierra's voice when she would speak to me, it was almost magical, like some kind of cosmic healing energy was reaching out for me. I realized later how silly I was, to not notice the simplicities that we were merely bonding, becoming best friends.

I met every one of them that day; Sierra, Emily, Malica, Heather, Brighter, Leanne, Kristina, Tabitha, Tracy, and Regenia. I met those in Radion too; Blissera, Amanda, Linda, Alice, Judith, Nora, Erica, Reiki, Nataliee, and Urrie. It took us a long time to get along this well, but somehow we all fit together like glue. It's the reason we were allowed to make visits to their starships; the reason why the queen would often look the other way with our three groups.

      Now look at us. Sierra is trying to make me feel better, a woman who has given up on everything, throwing away every emotion that shattered from my soul, until I was convinced there was nothing left but an empty shell. I wanted this after all; to feel nothing was the only way I could stop hating myself all these long years. It is a different way to die, but it is an end I have chosen for myself.

"Even I don't remember what happened to my mom, nor do I understand why our memories on this have degraded so badly." I knew she wasn't fully truthful just now, after I overhead Sierra and a scryer talking one day about the reason.

Supposedly, the theory is that our collective focus on our hatred for heathens went a few priorities higher in our minds than other important memories, and so that which fell under was wiped away in a collective moment of trauma, the thought of their lost lives too painful to bear. Anger and a drive for vengeance was apparently easier to deal with, simple and clean compared to the mourning of the millions we lost that day. Even if it is only a theory, it is no excuse for of us.

"But I also don't think we really die when we leave this world, you know? I think all we lost, those we love, they are out there somewhere, in a world so far away from us, in a place we cannot see."

So she believes in the afterlife? I cared not how convenient it was for Sierra, her life slightly easier because of some belief none could be sure about. We may have recently discovered the Astral Plane, but its full purpose, and the destination to where our souls go to after we've been there for ten days is all a mystery. Who can really say if our lives are truly eternal? My mother is dead; nothing can change that. I cannot hear her. I cannot see her. I cannot remember her. If there is no afterlife, then death really is the end of all things. If there is an afterlife, then the only closure I will ever have lies on the other side, my life forfeit in either scenario.

"I know you probably don't believe in that stuff, but you should know Lumina. You're not alone."

I wanted to argue, to speak up or say something, only to shut her up. Sierra is trying to make me feel better and whole again, but it isn't possible, since I don't deserve it. Before I could say anymore, to agree or disagree with her, two of my sisters walked right up to me in unison, their eyes and thoughts matching in harmony.

"She's right you know. I don't remember either, and I hate myself for it. It's somehow worse than it felt when Zinod was destroyed." It was rare for Hurma of all people to admit anything defeating in her own attitude; she stood so serious here and now, and so did Talor, who was right beside her.

"I know it isn't much, sister, but we are all in this together. We're here for you when you need us. You still have people in this world who love you and care about you... I hate myself too, but I don't want to die just yet."

"Talor," I mumbled aloud, refusing to sit up from Sierra's soft legs. "If you feel the same way, explain how it is you can continue to go on."

      "It's simple," she started. "I want to keep living, because even though I don't remember much, I do remember one small thing, something my mother once told me. She wanted me to live on, even if something happened to her, a moment before The Exodus. She wanted me to live even if she didn't make it, so I want to keep going on for longer. I want to find the answers as to why I forgot everything else, the answers to why she wanted me to live in a world that no longer changes and has such bleak hopes left. I want to know where we end up, even if it takes a hundred thousand more years to get that far."

"That's nice." I won't even use my mouth to speak anymore; everything was pointless, though Talor decided to cease the telepathy for a moment after.

"The thing is, I won't do it without you."

We both paused, my eyes squinting in annoyance with her delusions. Finally, I sat up on my own power, disembarking from Sierra's comfort, so that I may look Hurma and Talor both in the eyes. "Why?" I demanded. "Why do you and the others keep insisting on having me as your leader? A monster like me isn't fit to lead anybody."

"That's enough smart talk out of you Lumina."

Again, I knew I wasn't wrong, but I didn't expect Sherika to make her way over here just to state her peace in person. "Sherika. You know! I know that you understand what a horrible example I am, someone who could forget someone too important to me."

"For the last time, all of us forgot the same as you. Whether or not that makes us all monsters, all you want to do about it is wither away and give up on everything. Problem is, I'm not going to let you keep going this way."

"And why not? Why must you force me to do something I don't want to do anymore?"

"Because I love you. You didn't forget about me or my friends, and I'm never going to forget about you."

I didn't want to show any surprise or reaction to Sherika, but like before, what she said forced me to think in so many complex matrices. Also, hearing what she just said to me, that she still loves me, it's too much for me to handle right now. Why must she be so cruel?!

"We all love you Lumina; we all love each other." Hurma emphasized her words, holding Talor's hand, who then reached for Sherika's. In a matter of a minute, everybody onboard the ship, even among Sierra's exclusive crew came together to join in this strange yet soothing harmony. "We may have been strangers before, but we are family now. I'm as broken and upset about this as you are, but I'll be damned before I let myself or my sister give up after everything we've been through. We all have a future together Lumina, and we're going to make sure you are part of us."

Nothing they said should have made me feel any better; that's what I kept telling myself anyway. Though, I had yet to ever see so many of my family and friends in such agreement, not only for my sake, but for theirs as well. Hurma didn't say what else she held in her heart, and she didn't have to, for I could feel it from afar. This love she carries for me applies in all directions, to everybody else in our groups, and in the desire that I should feel the same way towards her...

I shamefully glanced away from them, trying anything I could to deny the merit behind everything they said, but I couldn't shut them out at all. I know too well how Hurma feels, for I have felt the same. If all they want to do is live, for the hope of truth, for the goal of better days among each and every one of us, how could I ever denounce them? "I love you too." I still felt like I could crumble at any moment, but looking into Hurma's eyes, I knew I would somehow be okay. This holy covenant that binds us all together, it's a love too strong for words, something far exceeding the boundaries of our psionics, a savior for all of us foreign in this logical messed up world.

After what felt like minutes of silence, Rose embraced me in such a cold and soothing hug, reminding me through my thick walls that I wasn't as alone as I thought to be earlier. "Something like this isn't going to be something I can just rise above... But I'll do my best, if you give me enough time." I can't get over this horrible feeling, ever. Maybe, if I'm not okay with who I am, I can try to be better, to be someone more worthy of my title as a leader to my sisters.

"Good enough for me... Can we break out the games now? I think it would make all of us feel better." Fionne knew the leisure would help in her own recovery, and by extension assumed the same might be true for me, so I didn't oppose.

Chapter Theme Shift: I sun ~ (Blue Reflection OST)

All of us spent twenty more minutes just talking, catching up with our general affairs and what has been going on. Not much new has happened in our world, with small exception to the excitement for the scryers to work together to better understand the psionic science that Herios recently developed and left behind.

It wasn't the easiest time we've ever had, but all of us grew ever closer today, with plenty more to come. As Fionne suggested, many started to relax more, preparing some of us to play some games, either in pairs or larger groups.

There isn't much of anything to do up here in outer space with each other; we have no specialty assets or machines that would produce anything wonderful, only what we come up with in our minds. One popular game of pairs is always a competition of guessing games, where one of us tries to guess what the other is thinking, without the cheat of telepathy. A more involved game is something we call Truth or Dare, though lately our games have not lasted for long.

One of my favorites is something called Imagine Game. It's exactly like our number guessing games, but expanded to an expansive sense of reality. All of us try to imagine a different world, a better world than this one, with all kinds of amazing and new circumstances. It's as if we try to guess the aspects of some far off alien world. Whether it feels realistic matters not, for any world of our imagination is always so amazing and wonderful.

Despite how dead I feel inside, there are fleeting yet powerful sparks within, right in the places I hold my sisters dearest with love. Junko, Rose, Sherika, Derria, Hurma, Talor, Ashiela, Fionne, Lulu, and Luna; all of them are with me. All of us were forced into those shuttles, blasted into space, and forced on these starships, terrified and wanting the very people who were taken from us by force. All of us were strangers to each other, but what we shared that day went far beyond the trauma that would rip into us all. What we shared that day was a common understanding of each other, about the pain in what we all lost. Somehow, we all got along really well after the fact, and it seems we get along even better now.

I never thought I would have a family of any kind ever again after what happened to us, but I was somehow lucky enough to have them here with me. It doesn't change what happened. It doesn't even make any of this any easier, but when they look into my eyes, I can't help how much begging we give to each other, begging to help, hoping to recover, as I glimpse a fleeting spark of myself in them, while they glimpse sparks of themselves within me.

For the rest of the festivities, everyone was passively checking on me, to see if I was really feeling better. It wasn't something I could ever be sure of, so I smiled and played things off regardless. Every word that was said to me today held heavy on my mind, impossible as it was to come to any certain conclusion about where the future will take us, with The Unity, or without.

Nothing lives forever, and in this harsh world descending into a soft, gentle decline, I have to wonder about the biggest question of us all.

Why do we exist?