Mally woke slowly to something wet licking their face. They grunted and twitched, and Tuna whined.

“You gotta go out?” they mumbled as they opened their eyes. For a second, they were confused, because this was not their bedroom. It was the parlor, and why were they in the parlor? That didn’t make any sense. They shouldn’t be in the parlor. Then, last night came back to them in a rush. Reflexively, they checked to make sure their pants were intact, and to their eternal gratitude, they were. So, they hadn’t been too stupid.

With a groan, they sat up and looked at the other couch. The prince was passed out there, the light from the windows falling on his face and lighting up his golden blonde hair in a halo. He was sleeping soundly, and they checked the time on their pocket watch, which had been left on the table. Seven in the morning. Not too bad, then.

With a grunt, they got up and made their way to the foyer, putting on the boots at the door and leading Tuna out back to let her out. She sniffed around in the paddock out back before she took care of her business, and Mally leaned in the door with crossed arms. At least they were too young for hangovers. Or, their body had filtered all of the alcohol. It bore investigation. They hadn’t tested the effects of alcohol on this body.

Suddenly, something thumped between their shoulders, and they looked over at the prince standing there with his head between their shoulder blades.

“Good morning,” they said in amusement. “Hungover?”

“I need to get back to the palace,” he mumbled, but he didn’t seem like he wanted to move. They had almost forgotten he was a seventeen year old kid. He seemed older than that, though they assumed that was because of the multiple attempts on his life from the current Empress.

“Yes, you do,” they agreed, and he pulled back as Tuna came back to the door and nosed around his pockets for more cheese. At least they had finished the cheese board last night. She would have gotten the runs if she got into it.

“Good morning, Tuna,” he said and scratched her under the chin, and her tail steadily wagged. “I’ll be going now.”

“Shall I walk you to the door?” Mally asked as they walked back inside, Tuna on their heels, and he nodded.

“It’s not a long walk,” he said wryly. “I should have gotten you a bigger house.”

“Couldn’t afford the cleaning staff,” Mally said and reached the front door. “Take care of yourself, alright?”

“I will,” he promised, and then he paused. “I know you’re not a lady, not anymore, but…”

He took their hand and lifted it to his mouth, pressing a kiss to their knuckles. They blinked in shock as his warm, dry lips pressed into their hand, and then he withdrew.

“For luck,” he said, and then he opened the door and stepped out onto the street. Mally stared at him through the open door as he slung the cloak over his shoulders, and he was gone, around the corner. They were alone.

What?

Seriously, what?

….

“Mally!” Mirabel called as Mally stepped in, and they paused at the sight of two familiar paladins at the counter. “We have an official request for you!”

“What?” they asked as they walked up to the counter, and Mirabel beamed at them.

“You’ve been requested for the cleansing of the cave, just in case that woman shows up again!” she said, and Mally stared at her blankly.

“I couldn’t even fight her last time?” they tried for, and Mirabel huffed.

“I’m sure you could have managed!” she said, and Mally blinked. What? “The Saint requested you specifically, so you gotta go!”

Oh. This was Artesia clinging to them again. Fantastic. They didn’t want to see her reaction to all of the dead rabbits everywhere. She would think they were a monster. Which, they kind of were, but still. Why was the plot following them like this? It was aggravating. They didn’t want to deal with the plot, but it felt like they were becoming entangled in a web they couldn’t get out of. Well, maybe she would stop after she saw all the dead rabbits. They hoped they could run her off with their brutality, if nothing else.

“How much?” they asked, utterly exhausted, and Mirabel beamed at them.

“One platinum!” she reported, and Mally stared at her blankly as that slowly registered. One platinum? Seriously?

“Oh,” they said faintly. “Okay.”

“And we’ll bump you up to B rank a bit early if you complete the quest,” she said with a wink, and Mally really could not refuse that…

“Alright,” they agreed. “I’ll go. When do we leave?”

“Right now,” said one of the paladins, they thought his name was Hans. “The Saint has requested to ride with you for it.”

Oh… Great. She was going to be talking their ear off the whole ride.

“Alright,” they said and turned for the door. “Let’s go.”

The two paladins followed after them, and they pushed out the doors as everyone stared after them. Their skin prickled with the attention, and they took a deep breath in as they made their way out. They swung astride Rat as Tuna paced around, and the two paladins got on their own horses and headed towards the temple. Mally fell into step next to them, squinting up at the sun shining down. Goddamn, couldn’t they go one day without a main character straight up falling into their lap? Why was this happening to them? This had to be divine punishment for leaving so many fanfictions unfinished. That was what this was.

With a sigh, they flopped over Rat’s neck, and he snorted lightly as Tuna padded alongside them. They sighed again and closed their eyes, wondering why on earth they were getting so mixed up with the church. This was becoming a problem. And Jacques was onto them. They doubted he would put two and two together and realize Mally appeared at the same time as Georgina’s body, but…

Well, it was a problem. It was a big, big problem. And they should probably be more freaked out about it than they actually were. But, they didn’t think the prince would look at the problem too deeply. They should be in the clear. But, if they weren’t, they would handle it. Probably off themself or something if he tried to send them back home, but it was fine.

They had died once.

They could do it again.

The temple was approaching a lot sooner than they initially anticipated, and Artesia was waiting out front with a retinue of paladins and priests. She was dressed in pants, thankfully, with flowing half-robes over the top of them, and Mally rode up next to her and looked down at her.

“Your Holiness,” they greeted her politely, and she smiled up at him, looking uniquely relieved to see him.

“Mally!” she said, and Mally offered her a hand as a paladin approached to help her get a leg up. With a heft of effort, she was seated behind Mally, wrapping her arms around his waist, and he ignored the press of her breasts into his back as she practically plastered herself to his back.

“Let’s go!” she crowed, and Mally spurred Rat on, heading towards the outer wall opening out into the southern forest. “I’ve never been on a horse like this. This is exciting.”

“Mm. Your thighs will be sore,” Mally said, and she shrugged lightly with a smile on her lips.

“I don’t mind!” she said cheerfully. “How was your night?”

Mally thought about waking up to the prince passed out on their couch, and coughed.

“Uneventful,” they replied, and she tilted her head back and smiled up at the sun.

“I’m so glad it didn’t rain today. It’s my first time clearing contamination,” she said. “I would hate for it to be delayed.”

“I’m glad it wasn’t delayed, Your Holiness. It was nearing the water supply,” Mally said, and she frowned.

“They said it was intentional,” she said, and Mally nodded.

“It was, yes.”

“Who do you think that woman was?” she asked, and Mally bit back their irritation. Not at her, but at the situation.

“I don’t know,” they answered honestly, and they wished they knew who she was. That would make all of this so much easier. As it was, they were going to be dealing with a Big Bad Evil Guy of which Mally had no prior knowledge to. Well, the church was. Contamination was their responsibility. But, if she escalated…

They didn’t want to think about it.

It wouldn’t be their responsibility. They were an adventurer, nothing more, nothing less. It wasn’t within their wheelhouse to be dealing with a threat like this.

Ah, it was a good day to not be a noble, they thought blissfully.

Unbidden, the thought rose. Jacque’s brush of lips over their knuckles, and heat rose in their cheeks. Why did he do that?

“You would have made a good bride for me.”

Scratch that, why did he say something like that? He had only had one glass of wine. Granted, it was very full, but it was only one glass of wine. The liquor couldn’t explain that statement. And what did he mean, for luck? What was he thinking? He was a prince, and they were a commoner now. Their stations were stark. They could never be the Crown Princess, much less the Empress, so why was he showing interest?

Oh.

Oh, gods.

He wanted them to be his mistress, they realized, and a shiver wracked their body.

“Mally? Are you alright?” Artesia asked, her hands on his hips, and he swallowed.

“Fine,” he replied. “Just got the impression someone was thinking about me.”

“Oh,” she said, sounding a little surprised. “Do you have anyone back home that might be thinking of you?”

They froze, barely breathing as they thought about their father’s cold, cold violet eyes. They hated the color purple now. It was nothing but bad memories and worse feelings, and they swallowed.

“No,” he replied, because no, his father wasn’t thinking of him at all. “No, I don’t.”

“That’s a pity,” Artesia said and laid her head on his back. “I think people should think of you. It sounds lonely.”

“It’s not. I have Tuna, don’t I?” Mally replied, and they felt the curve of her smile against their back.

“You have me, too,” she said, and Mally stiffened up.

“That’s inappropriate, Your Holiness,” they sniffed, and she laughed.

“You’re such a stick in the mud, Mally,” she teased, and Mally flushed. “So aware of position. Have you ever considered just enjoying life?”

“I do enjoy life,” Mally replied, because that was what they were doing now. It was just that the main characters were all up in their damn business. “I enjoy it very much, actually.”

Artesia laughed, a musical sort of laugh that warmed Mally’s nonexistent bones, and gods, they almost forgot why she was the female lead. She was like a breath of fresh air after dealing with the prince, while still somehow just as stressful. He didn’t understand her, even while he knew her character inside and out. It was a bit frustrating, because she was becoming more of a real person now, less of words and pictures on a phone screen. It was weird, and more than a little uncomfortable, but…

But.

“I think you’re not enjoying it enough,” she said slyly. “After all, you’re not enjoying me, are you?”

“Do I have to enjoy you to enjoy life?” Mally asked as the paladins looked away, reddening dramatically at the blatant flirting---

Wait.

Artesia was flirting.

What the actual fuck.