This ceiling…this accursed ceiling; by this point, it had become engrained into her memories and essence with the magnitude of how often she had fixated on it. It was not even that interesting of a thing to even consider staring at; yet, nevertheless, there she was…staring at it; she had little choice on the matter, after all…it was the ceiling that existed above her bed.
Once again, the foreigner was laying there; once again, her deeply bagged eyes burned with tired exhaustion…yet, once again, as with every other night before, nothing happened. She just laid there, blankly; unable to even…feel the warmth and comfort of this bed.
Hmm…truly, maybe she ought to just stop this entire ‘sleeping’ endeavor. If she were to stop bothering entirely, and tolerate the after-effects of such, eventually she would readapt and reorient back to how she used to be—which was to say: not having any need for sleeping at all…largely, with essence encoded ‘alternative’ ‘protocols’ and ‘procedures’ enacting their effects and will.
Though…a direct consequence of that would be a further breakdown of her bearing on time. Indeed, this repetitive cycle of sleep had very much…grounded her conception of time. In fact, her continued inability to sleep as of late…was probably a contributing factor for her…ever-eroding grasp on time.
Yet…nevertheless, sleep still felt so very…pointless and useless: a total waste of her time. Though…what even…was ‘wasting time’? She was wasting time…already, wasn’t she? Time…how could she even waste…something she had far too much of?
Time…truly, she had so much time, they all…had so much time; yet…somehow, it still felt as though they hardly had enough at all. It could take…years upon years…before any potential assistance, reinforcements, or responses would arrive…yet such was, for their standards, both ‘fast’ and ‘efficient’.
She continued to lay there, her exhausted ignited cyanic eyes…still wide open. Her mind felt strange…she felt so strange…everything felt…so very…strange…and unpleasant. Quests…right…for the past…six or whatever many months…that was all she had been doing. Over and over…
Yet now…she had no more quests…no more missions or directives to be given; she had been expelled…banned from the Guild…left poor and broke…unable to ever stare at that quest-board again.
Yet oddly, right now…she felt this…not calming but rather…simply…numbing feeling…as realization took hold. For such was…now…utterly useless to even think about…that quest-board and those quests.
Indeed…now…there was only one thing to focus on, one thing to think about: blanking her mind completely. To empty it…of all of its sentience and cogitations…and allow herself to fade adrift…into night’s void of nothingness.
Her eyes began to slowly and indecisively close…as this numbing apathy took hold…closing and opening…over and over…until finally they shut decisively as her mind began to fade.
Maybe…this night…will be different; maybe…this night…will be free of those nightmares and memories; maybe…this night…nothing will intrude, and she will have…that sweet nothingness and cessation of thoughts.
Though, unfortunately, nothing would, in fact, intrude.
-??-
Time, always decaying
Remnants, always fading
Shadows, always hiding
Eyes, always watching
Ears, always listening
Voices, always speaking
Gods scheme upon their rotting thrones, shackled to wills not their own
Great powers devour the world around, shackled to stomachs always empty
Historia’s choir continues to sing her eternal poetic rhymes
Yet the song sung with gracious rhyme is one of dreaming delusions
Delusions of fantasy dreamt by the sleeping earth
To swipe away the nightmares hidden behind the blue-sky’s shadow
Nightmares of reality fall from shooting stars high above
To smite away the delusions dreamt by the earth down below
You are a nightmare trapped in this organism of delusions and dreams made real
An outlander, an intruder, a threat
A virus hiding from an immune system…
Yet, in the end, the same could be applied to not only you, but them too
For this is our resting place
This is our tomb
This is our graveyard
And I am its custodian
I am its keeper
I am its intendent
And I,
I… welcome you, so-called ‘Remnant’ trooper,
To this grand dance and worldly choir
So, little violet, care to extend a hand for one last ball?
For I would love a dance, ancient ally, ancient enemy,
Like those ages long before the fall
Gold contaminated ignited eyes sprung wide open as she lanced herself wide up and awake, inhaling and exhaling…panting away in cold and frigid, yet warm and hot, sweat. The sigil of her ignited eyes ‘flickered’, in a manner of speech; tinted in a potent and refined, yet ultimately invasive, gold color radiance. Stabilizing, her ignited eyes returned to cyanic normalcy.
Respirating and breathing…her mind throbbed away in a mindache unlike any other; her eyes burned; her very essence…felt violated…as if it had been invaded and ransacked. Her heart, stomach, and nerves…all flared in this…molten yet frozen…burning sensation of dooming panic and nihilistic dread.
Truly…what an awful feeling this was; truly…what an awful experience that had been.
It felt like a dream…like a nightmare among all nighterrors…yet not at all. Words had been spoken yet…none had been heard nor even…said. Indeed…not spoken…rather, it was as if words had been…engraved into the very fibers of her mind and essence. Words which…like a dream…were so blurry and hard to remember. She knew not…the words or meaning, only that…such words had been engraved.
Truly, what an awfully…horrific…yet all too…familiar experience, one unmistakable to her, for such would not at all be the first time. Albeit…no matter how many times she had experienced such happenings in ages prior…every first encounter was always…the same terrifying horror-inducing experience, one…difficult to truly describe in words.
Although, this was…perhaps…the first time such had occurred while she was…sleeping; thus, comparatively…this was a rather tame experience compared to experiencing such an intrusion while being conscious and awake.
Inhaling and exhaling, she looked and evaluated her space around; focusing her eyes…she grounded herself back as all that burning tension and dread…withered into that inhibited all-consuming calm. Breathing away…she laid herself back down…onto the pillow, once again her cyanic ignited eyes…staring up at the ceiling above…unamused utterly.
« Conșcjo… » she began to speak, « Jo conșcjo quod me spectants tu’eș…d’af éllo tempore’pșo advenjendî me spectants fuiș; nê credas tu quod ad praesențiam tuam typhlù eșom, j’oblitatù enî habo de te ģe ménimë, abominațion Calamitați…nec talidre invadé rursos…pheh » thus her flat yet commandingly strict voice spoke.
Ah…after all this time of spectating…it had finally revealed its presence more brazenly and openly; the spider to whom this fantastical web belonged, by whom this fantastical web of delusions…had been so weaved and conjured: its grand playground of absurdity. Its calamitous roots had been thoroughly weaved into the very fabrics of this entire place; imbued and entangled, utterly.
Ever since she had arrived here…it had taken an interest in her, it had been spectating her…watching her, and no doubt…fabulating away as if her very existence were some mere primitive fiction or fable…as it documented, recorded, and observed.
She was, or rather her essence was, more than experienced enough with such affairs to be able to…‘sense’ or…know…when its lingering presence was actively watching her. Such was what had been playing with her senses and detectabilities…masking other watchful eyes by making her feel observed always.
Ah…truly…so sudden was she so reminded of why she had even been thrown into this mud-dump to begin with; so sudden…was she reminded of her true operation…her true mission and objectives: to deal with it and its potential for ever-growing madness; to put it to sleep before very unpleasant happenings could cascade.
Or really…they were supposed to just…investigate and determine whether or not it and the rest were…even a growing problem to begin with. And of course…such was only the…initial objectives…the initial reason…since…they were all ambushed and…it all just fell apart.
She sighed…as her eyes continued to stare at the ceiling above. Truly…she was so clearly reminded…in such a sick and taunting way…mockingly so…of just how stupid and naive and blind…they all had been…as they so casually stumbled into this place…only to fall into what was…in retrospect…such an obvious feint and trap.
She was, most likely, the only one of the entire deployment left alive; once again…she was the only one left behind to survive.
Truly, everything she had been doing so far…all of this parroting pretend…and all of that ‘adventuring’ and such…was just her…wasting and biding her time…as she waited this out; as she waited…for reinforcements and help to come…for indeed, despite what she was…she did not want to deal with this…abomination alone, even if she was more than willing to do so.
Yet…indeed…deep down within, she knew…she had known, all this time, that…nothing was coming to reinforce…no one was coming for her; there were no reinforcements. After all, by this point it was very clear that this…entire failed operation was fundamentally faulty to begin with; a product of aged impulses…and this urge to just do something for the sake of doing something…that urge to feel relevant and useful again as if…there was still any point at all.
It was abundantly clear to her and most certainly to those above her…that all of those prior indicating signs and actions…were misinterpreted and, perhaps, willfully bent to be identified as emerging problems…when it was simply being fervently protective and defensive. After all…such was its job…its responsibility; even in madness…it was always protective of all that which it held…custodianship over.
Thus, the most logical thing to do…would be to not provoke it any further than they had already done…and to simply…leave it alone; to leave her…stranded here…all alone…devoid…of any means to fulfill…her service to the end…to be so…cruelly stripped of any scraps of meaning and purpose…to be left ensnared in its entangling web…left to become its narrative plaything and new favorite toy.
Ah…truly…there existed no worse of a fate…than to be trapped in this mud-infested dump of rock and dirt…and denizens, whose voices and noises constantly reminded of her all that which she failed to do…all that which she had so done…only for it all to be so utterly meaningless in the end. Everything she had…they had done and failed to do…all utterly pointless, yet they still continued on…nevertheless.
Devoid of purpose, devoid of meaning…truly…such had been the case…for so…so long…well before this failed operation, well before all her prior failures beforehand…ever since everything she had once been…everything they had all once been…was reduced to nothing more than a withering, decaying, and rotting ‘Remnant’…replaced with those greater and more ‘perfect’…by those whom they had once served and equated to as ‘gods’.
Ah…her mind…these feelings…these…overwhelming feelings…ah…she began to comprehend…she began…to comprehend…
Her eyes felt weird…so very weird…she was feeling so very…very weird…as so many thoughts and realizations came charging and rushing, as if that dam containing her mind’s rotting shadow…had suddenly and finally…broke. A fury of things flooded through her mind…as she began to think, acknowledge, consider…and realize…the absolute reality…of what she was…the absolute reality…of just how…absurd everything truly was and always had been…
Her eyes suddenly felt clogged and cramped, as if something was trying to burst and flow out…yet only to remain dry and empty; she laid there…silently…as her rotting mind was slowly eaten away by its own shadow.
No longer ignoring it; no longer denying it; no longer rejecting it; she simply let it happen.
Indeed…in this rare moment of introspection…she so suddenly comprehended that her existence was…and always had been…fundamentally…
A never-ending nightmare.
Ah…she comprehended…of course…she really did just want it all to finally end…
She wanted to perish in duty…and fall in service like all the rest…yet…she began to realize…all this time…why did she even have to wait…to perish in duty? To die…in fulfilled service? How did…any of that even matter anymore?
They lost. They had all lost. Nothing remained besides withering echoes and abominable playgrounds. What were they even fighting for anymore?
Truly…nothing had made sense for so many eternities…yet, nevertheless, they still continued on and on and on further down this abyss for…no reason whatsoever. Hunted by both…they should have just allowed themselves to be assimilated…yet…why did they resist?
Yet…
Ah…she realized, she comprehended, that…indeed…she did not have to wait at all; this entire time…she had the means to end her service…at any point; she could just end it…right now…in fact…and finally be free from this nightmare of absurdity.
Right…the ultimate blank state, the ultimate sleep…devoid of any cogitations or sentience…that grand state of nothing…death; she wanted to die for so long…yet now…she could just do it…and her command would not care at all…no doubt…in fact…they probably thought…she was already dead anyway, thus…she may as well…just make such a reality.
Heh…heh…as such rotten comprehension took hold, she could not help but…smirk…such a horrible and tormented smirk…as one single all-consuming desire so suddenly…emerged in mind, infecting her veins.
A head shot. That was what she needed to do. It would…not only destroy her…but maybe her essence too. Her essence…so aged and bloated…to leave it behind as an echo…would only drag out its own persistent torment.
A well-angled and well-timed shot straight through the prefrontal cortex with the right caliber to thoroughly pulp her brain yet incompletely enough…that should be sufficient to end it all for both she herself and her essence, ensuring a death in totality.
Ah, well, I can tell from that smirk alone that this…
Certainly did not go the way I intended nor desired
Truly, you really are something alright
I believe, then, a perhaps more…direct and clear reminder is necessary
One that not even you can mind-bend yourself away from
« … » The foreigner suddenly froze stiff in place…as a very odd…feeling…sensation…began to infest her essence and being…her breathing turning heavy.
The ignited sigil engraved upon her cyanic eyes…began to flicker and flicker, so to speak, as her ignited eyes turned ever-more…calamitous gold. Reality began to feel so loose and unbounded…so foggy and uncertain.
This…feeling…this feeling…she knew this feeling all too well…yet she remained stuck and frozen. Cold yet warm, sweet yet sour, empty yet full…nothing…yet…everything.
Then…her eyes widened in a snapping stretch…as she realized…that very ceiling she so often stared at…
Why was it…smiling at her?
« Ôh merdosa érrumațion! » her voice blurted out as full realization snapped into her mind; oh sweet face-fucking shit!
Immediately in a flustered panic, her hands began to frantically rummage her figure…searching for something…only to realize…right, of course…she was without any of her true equipment. She had not any of the countermeasures physically on her…and nothing encoded in essence could possibly prevent…what was about to happen…from happening.
The smiling ceiling only became more warped and twisted…in a way that made even her…feel utterly disconcerted…before the ceiling so abruptly collapsed in on itself, dragging and pulling her into a vortex, a hole in reality itself, as she so suddenly and swiftly found herself tossed right into…an empty abyss of absolute nothingness and darkness.
Floating in free fall…she was floating…in this…familiar feeling of absolute coldness, yet she was not freezing; this feeling…of no pressure whatsoever…a vacuum…yet she remained fine. No sound to be heard; she could not even see any facet of her being, let alone coordinate directionality. It was…simply darkness in absolute. Up was down; left was right; all of it was meaningless.
Realization, fear, and dread entered her being; she knew what she was in. Her breaths impulsively began to pant in sudden panic…yet there was nothing in absolute to be breathed; neither air nor even any gas at all…her lungs shriveled and decompressed as all the air suddenly escaped from the exhales, cramping as her throat tried to inhale the empty vacuum.
Suffocating, she gripped her throat as if she were choking…yet…she remained conscious, normal, and alive…nothing was happening.
Yet then, once again, she suddenly froze…as a strange sensation…a strange realization…entered her spine. She could feel…perhaps…something in this vacuum, pulling, tugging, or rather…attracting.
This hunch…this anxiety…this darkness…something was wrong with it.
Behind her. She knew it was behind her.
Somehow, she flipped herself around…her contaminated ignited eyes staring. Darkness. It was absolute darkness; no different from the vacuum around. Yet…her eyes stretched wide open…in a way she had never done so…in quite the long time; shocked in terror absolute.
She knew…oh she knew…there was something in that darkness. She did not have to see it to know that it was there.
Dread…nothing besides the purest and most unadulterated dread…invaded every fiber of her soul and essence. Truly, in this moment, she was reminded that there existed things…far worse than even those accursed stars…
Frantically and in panic absolute, her arms began to flare as they pushed and waved, trying to ‘swim’ in the vacuum of nothingness…sheer desperation and primordial irrationalities kicking in. Her lungs and throat attempted to hyperventilate with such relentless breaths, only to cramp and contort from the emptiness, every muscle involved wearing and hurting as if they were tearing.
She could tell, she could tell, she could tell…she was moving fast, really…really fast; suddenly…she realized…the darkness…the darkness…something was now absolutely wrong with it.
She felt…oh this feeling, as if spacetime itself was being pulled and dragged, around and around, she along with it; impossible to stay still, as if the vacuum had become a relentless vortex and waving whirl…spiraling her around and around faster and faster…closer and closer.
Frantic. Frantic. She desperately tried escape and get away…‘swimming’ in vain in this whirlpool of time and space being twisted and dragged. Panting and hyperventilating, her lungs felt as though they were being torn from the exhaustion of pulling in empty nothing.
Blind in the darkness, but she could feel herself spiraling closer and closer…she was not fast enough…this pulling tug was stretching and tearing at her…yet she remained perfectly fine and alive.
Panic was no longer a sufficient to describe her state of being…as she struggled and struggled to break free…all in vain, for she was simply…she herself and nothing more.
Faster and faster…it was so close; she knew it was so close.
Please, please, please! Not like this; not like this; not like this! She did not want to be here anymore! Quickly, quickly! Someone, something, please please please please get her out of here before it was too late! She did not want to be here anymore; she did not want to be here anymore; she did not want to be here anymore; she wanted to go back!
The pressure…this squeezing crushing pressure…oh this feeling; she was being stretched and squished; she was unraveling!
Space and time, everything was becoming twisted, warped, strangled, and utterly despoiled; pulled and tugged, spinning and spiraling…this…feeling of being crushed, squeezed, stretched, noodled, all at once while being broken down into quantum mush and plasma…yet…only for her to remain perfectly and completely intact and alive…as if nothing had happened…
As everything became abruptly calm, yet still being…pulled and attracted…
Her eyes remained fixed in their widened open as she realized with indefinable dread…
She had crossed that point.
There was no escape.
