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Dorley…the Final frontier…

These are the voyages of Allan Malloy.

His continuing mission?

To expunge his toxic ways.

To seek out a new life and a new identity.

To Boldly be Basemented Like Many Men Have Been Before!

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Stardate -292.543 – Programme Day Seventy Three

   “Oh shit, gu-…uh, Everyone!”

I looked up from my vegetarian burrito and stared blankly at Ewan, who was staring at Nessa’s watch with glee. I frowned at him.

   “Ewan? Want to explain why you’re staring at Nessa’s watch?” I asked, arching an eyebrow in a way I’d practiced for hours in front of the mirror. I had perfected Leonard Nimoy’s signature expression years ago, exactly for situations such as this one. To my immense disappointment, nobody seemed to even notice. I shook my head and continued. “It’s a watch. So?”

   “The date! It’s the 29^th!”

“So?” asked Ted, looking between his sister’s watch and Ewan. Nessa moved her watch arm beneath the table, and sighed.

   “What he’s getting so excited about,” she said, shaking her head. “Is that his birthday is next Tuesday."

   “Yeah, it's the birthday,” Ewan said, grinning excitedly. “Twenty six! I’ll be officially in the last half of my twenties!”

   “That…seems like something to not be excited about,” pointed out Katsuro, after swallowing the mouthful of burrito she had been munching on. I noticed that she was wearing lipstick today, although I was unsure who had put it on her. She surely didn’t already have that skill down, right? Eh, Indira probably did it for her. Good for her, and good for Indira. “Like, four years, and you’re thirty. You’ve got sixty percent of your average lifespan left after that point, and it’s all downhill from there.”

   “Way to be morbid, Katsuro,” I said, before biting into my burrito. The food was definitely now in the realm of what I’d call “food” and not “gruel”, but it was still lacking any sort of red meats or high-sugar products. If there was one thing- besides my freedom, on-demand access to the internet and Star Trek, the sun, and many other things this basement sorely lacked- that I missed about the world outside, it was a cheeseburger and a soft drink from a crappy fast food outlet of some variety. Fuck, I’d even go for McDonalds at this point, despite their food being inedible crap that was even less worthy of the label of food than the wheatabix and soy milk.

   I continued. "I mean, I don’t want to think about my mortality when the person I am now has, what, ten months max left in this world? Assuming I make it that long without suffering a mental breakdown.”

   “You say that like it’s a bad thing,” mumbled Ted, barely perceivably. I stared at him, and shook my head. Unbelievable, was I the only one not beginning to buckle? He looked up. “I mean, would it really be that bad to be a woman? Katsuro seems happy enough, and it’s not like we have much of a choice.”

   “Fuck, I don’t know anymore,” I said, dropping my burrito and burying my face in my hands. “This last week has been a fucking drama-packed rollercoaster of emotional sledgehammers to the face. I don’t even know if this is the real world or not. For all I know, I’m still dreaming. Among other options. There is at least one way to check off one potential way this could be all fake.”

   Ewan looked at me quizzically. “OK, I mean, you’re talking like a fucking madman, but sure, I’ll bite. What’s your big test for whether this is the real world or not?”

   I grinned, and looked up at the ceiling. “Computer? End Program.”

Obviously, nothing happened. I grinned at everyone. “Guess this isn’t the holodeck. Welp, there goes my one additional theory. Next thing? Finding the edge of the world and walking out of the emergency exit there. Of course, I’d need a sailboat for that.”

   There was silence, and then Nessa began to giggle. Katsuro followed, her laugh joining Nessa’s increasingly hysterical laughter. Then Ewan and Ted joined in, and finally me. Hell, even Arthur- sitting as far away from the rest of us as possible- began chuckling. If there was one gorram thing I still could feel joy about, it was that I was alive, and that I had friends.

---

   “OK, Ellen, try saying that again, but, again, focus on where you can feel the vibrations. Remember, if you can feel them mainly in your teeth, mouth, and the front of your mouth, you’re doing good.”

   Steph and Ellen sat in the first floor kitchen, which was currently empty. A mug of steaming tea sat in front of each of them, although Ellen also had a glass of water with a metal straw sticking out of the top. A white paper sign taped to the front of the AGA read “out of order”, and a toolbox sat nearby, a few tools sticking out the top. Steph hoped they’d have the oven back in order before the end of the week. They had a surprise planned for the boys, and they needed the large oven back in working order sooner rather than later. Right now though, Ellen’s voice training took priority.

   “The rain in Spain stays mainly on the plain,” the twenty year old woman said, her voice still wavering slightly. She was making good effort towards improving her resonance, although she still lacked confidence. She was doing better than most of her year, though, Steph noted. Most of them still couldn’t move out of the same voice they’d been doing since before they arrived. Ellen’s face was also looking less swollen a month after she had her facial surgery. Ellen had turned down the offer when the others in her intake were offered it in their last three months in the basement, but had decided she needed it after seeing the results. She’d turned out OK, and was healing well. “Did…did that sound better? I think I got the resonance right.”

   “Better, although you need to work on modulating it a bit more evenly,” Steph said, putting her hand on the girl’s shoulder. “You’re doing great, Ellen. Just a few more months of practice, and you’ll probably have a passable voice, although Auntie Bea probably won’t be fully satisfied. Then again, she never is.”

   “OK. Could we take a break?” asked Ellen, swallowing. “I feel like my throat’s dried out, and I think my tea is cool enough now to drink.”

   “Yeah, we’ve been doing this for a while now,” Steph said, checking her phone clock. Just past one PM. “I think we can take a break before continuing. How are you going, outside of your transition?”

   “I…don’t know,” said Ellen, glumly. “I thought Sarah and I had a closer relationship than we did. Turns out she’s not into girls anymore. I only found out after I tried to kiss her. She thinks she’s het, although god knows how she can tell that when we’re all stuck in here.”

   “You do all have internet access now,” Steph pointed out. “And even if it’s heavily monitored, that doesn’t stop her from accessing the wide range of hunky men pics on Google. I am sorry though. You did seem to have a crush on her, and I could have seen that working out. You are both still friends, right?”

   “Yeah, but she’s changed so much. Back when she was…back when we were in the first year, she stuck up for me all the time. Now she’s so much more passive. I liked her better when she was feistier. Maybe it was never going to work out in the first place, het or not.”

   “I mean, plenty of other fish in the sea,” Steph said, smiling. It was always cute seeing the second years figure themselves out after they’d settled more with their new identities. It was the same when her lot finally got out of the basement. “Still, you’re lucky it didn’t get ugly. Remind me to tell you about the trials and tribulations my year had.”

   “Huh,” said Ellen, chuckling slightly. “That reminds me, how’s The Nerd going?”

   Steph cocked her head. “What about that reminded you of Alan?”

Ellen blinked. “Uh, “Trials and Tribble-ations” is an episode of Star Trek. My brother loved it. Sorry, very awkward segway, but seriously, how is he? Or is that she now?”

   “He’s…not quite there yet. As for the others, Nessa thinks Ted’s nearly there, and Katsuro is out now.”

   “Remind me to give her some more makeup tips next time she’s up here,” grinned Ellen. “That girl is too good to spend all her time down there in the dungeon.”

   “I’ll be sure to pass on that to Indira,” Steph said. “Honestly, I’m glad Alan turned out to be less of a dick outside of his girly-nerd issues. Even then, he seems to have made considerable progress towards moving past that. Hell, I think he’s possibly over it now, after what Christine said. I think the real issue will be getting him to reconcile whoever he becomes with that new acceptance. I had a talk with Christine, and she’s worried that he might have some guilt over the way he’s acted for most of his life. She thinks that there’s a significant chance he’ll try rejecting everything associated with who he was, and she took a long time to reconnect with her love for her own special interests after she had accepted her new identity as being her own.”

   “Would that be a bad thing in Alan’s case?” Ellen asked, sipping her tea. “He did have a lot of issues with toxicity, and he isn’t exactly the most knowledgeable Trekkie, despite all his pretensions to being some sort of ultimate nerd king.”

   “Honestly? I don’t know,” Steph said, shrugging. “Christine thinks it’ll benefit him though, and she’s been doing 90% of the work for me. Haven’t even had a chance to use the Lucille Bell lever, and I’m not sure I’ll actually need to after what she did. I didn’t even really know how I was going to do this, but she did it without even needing to see him face to face. I swear, she’d be a fantastic sponsor if she wasn’t earning a fortune in IT.”

   “Still, at least he’ll be free,” Ellen said. “Right now, he might not see the benefit of Dorley. But he’ll get there someday.”

   “Christ, you’re definitely on your Dorleypills,” joked Steph, grinning. “Next thing you know, you’ll be sponsoring your own intake, and turning him from a toxic waste of space into a functional member of society. Hell, you might put me out of a job!”

   “Honestly?” said Ellen. “I’m not opposed to the idea of becoming a sponsor after this is all done. At least I’ll have job security. Plus, it’s a way to give back to the world. After all, plenty of toxic men out there, and not enough women to do the job that needs to be done.”

   “Atta girl. Now, back to our lessons…”

---

Stardate -291.336 – Programme Day Seventy Four

   I was alone in my room, reading Frankenstein- one of the few novels I didn’t consider sci-fi (even though pretty much everyone else disagreed on that front- I mean, it wasn’t really science fiction, and it was honestly closer to the fantasy concept of necromancy or the concept of creating a golem than it was to, say, robotics or cybernetics) that I had read and enjoyed. I mean, I hadn’t had a choice in reading it; it was required reading in high school.

   I still liked it, and right now, I definitely was sympathising with the monster over the scientist. I was, right now, on the verge of being replaced with a person who had continuity of consciousness with me right now, but was just as much an artificial creation as Frankenstein’s Monster. Hell, if you substituted the tasers for lightening, there was a comparison to be made there for sure. I think. Maybe not, actually.

   I was just beginning to settle into the dubious science of the 19^th century novel when Steph walked into my room, and closed the door behind her.

   “Oh, hey, Steph,” I said, closing my book. “You want to talk about something? Haven’t seen you for the past two days. You’ve been busy, I guess?”

   “Yeah, sorta. How’ve you been, Alan?” she asked, sitting down on the bed beside me. “I’ve heard that Ewan got excited about his upcoming birthday at lunch yesterday.”

   “Yeah, actually, I was wondering if I could ask you something?” I asked nervously, fiddling with a strand of my hair. “I know I can’t exactly get a present down here, but could I ask if you could get me a card I can sign for him? He’s my friend, it’s only right I make some effort to celebrate his birthday, even if we are both imprisoned down here.”

   “I’ll find one somewhere, Alan, don’t worry,” promised Steph. “I actually wanted to see if you wanted to watch something with me. I haven’t exactly been here that much for you, and we haven’t had much of a chance to interact outside of a professional context. I found a sci-fi action movie that took literally no effort to pass past Aun…uh, management. I know this is probably a silly question, but have you ever seen The Matrix?”

   “Uh, actually, no,” I said, blinking. “Always wanted to, but I didn’t really get around to it. Always got distracted with another rewatch of Star Trek or Battlestar Galactica or something.”

   Steph smiled, and pulled open a small satchel. Inside was a portable DVD player, and a white plastic DVD case with “The Matrix- PROPERTY OF DORLEY HALL” written on it with biro.

   “Found this in one of the cupboards on the second floor upstairs. Apparently someone pirated it at some point, since both the disc and the case are both generic boxes. My boss basically gave me approval before I even said more than “It’s a nineties film by a pair of sisters.” Apparently she’s a fan. Who knew?”

   “Huh. Yeah, sure, I’m game,” I said. “Shame we can’t use a larger screen than that dinky little LCD. Also a shame it’s only DVD quality, not Blu-ray. I also doubt it’s 4K quality, judging by how grimy that box is.”

   “Oi, be glad I found it at all,” Steph said, waggling her finger. She pulled out her phone, and began to tap on it. “I can make this a bit cosier though. Gimme a moment to order something from the kitchen.”

   She finished with whatever she was doing with her phone, and began setting up the DVD player. By the time she was done, the dumbwaiter I had assumed was only there for show had descended with a sizable bowl of fresh popcorn. Steph carried it over to the bed, and placed it between us after she sat down.

   “Alright, now we’re ready to go. Trust me, you’re going to love this.”

---

   “So, where are we at, girls?”

   Another day, another sponsor meeting. Steph could swear these were becoming almost biweekly occurrences nowadays. This was their first one since disclosure, however. And there was a lot to discuss.

   Indira was the first to speak up, having the least to actually report on. “Katsuro did her job well, and while Danny definitely disappointed us by showing he still has a way to go, I think it was a good sign that the majority of the boys responded well. She’s definitely played her role well, although it seems that Alan and Ewan have some…suspicions, even if they once again have the wrong idea. Although, it is cute that they wish to defend her.”

   “I thought Maria made Alan aware we monitor the bedrooms?” asked Pippa. “I mean, he wasn’t exactly subtle about discussing things with Ewan. Then again, they do seem to genuinely want to be there to back Katsuro up, and that’s the thing that matters. I don’t think Danny’s going to be a problem, even if Katsuro gets caught off guard. Not as long as those two are there to help her. As…uh…unimpressive as they are, the two of them could probably keep Danny off her if he manages to get her in a bad situation.”

   “Let’s not let it come to that,” Maria said, turning to Monica. “On the topic of Danny, he seems to be at the back of the pack when it comes to progress. Should we be worrying about him right now? Even Arthur seems to be socialising better. He’s been spending time around the others, even if he’s keeping his distance. Nessa said he was even laughing yesterday, and not at something crude or unpleasant. Danny, though, definitely seems to be progressing much slower than we thought he would.”

   “Danny is…he’s definitely regretful for his outburst, I can tell you that,” Monica said, looking sad. “He’s definitely having some issues, but I don’t think he’s regressing that much. At least, not really. I think this was momentary.”

   “Still,” Steph said. “I think we should leave him in the cell for at least another day. He needs some time to cool down before we introduce him back to the general population. To be honest, we’re lucky we’ve had an intake who’ve been mostly non-aggressive. The only large-scale fight we had didn’t even go as far as requiring us to stick them in the cells. This has been a much better year compared to when Ellen and her intake were down here.”

   “Agreed,” Monica said. “I’ll talk with him after the meeting, and see if I can try and get some leverage while he’s still a bit raw. No better time to get him to open up a bit more.”

   “Good,” Maria said, smiling. “Pippa? How’s Ewan doing?”

   “Definitely on-track, dealing well with his own issues, and moving well towards being healed,” replied Pippa. “He’s still on the fence identity-wise, but he could tip at any time, if I’m being honest. I think we shouldn’t worry too much.”

   “Alan is much the same. He’s definitely doing well getting past his issues, but I think he’s still having trouble with coming to terms with his imminent change of gender,” Steph added, spinning off Pippa’s report. “But, yeah, I’m hopeful, even if most of the work was done by Christine in the end.”

   “I still wish you’d gotten permission to get Christine in contact with Alan,” Maria said, clearly annoyed. “Bea had to have a talk with her yesterday over the phone after you told me what Christine had actually been doing to help you. She was annoyed about the fact you hadn’t cleared it with her. She thought it was clear that we should be trying to separate Alan from his primary obsession to help resolve things, not drip feeding it to him via a Dorley graduate who isn’t even a sponsor.”

   “But it worked, didn’t it?” argued Steph. “Christine managed to get to Alan without me even having to apply any sort of pressure. And she did it entirely by using the show that Bea was convinced was the cause of his issues, despite my arguments that it was by far one of the more progressive and non-toxic shows out there, especially given when the bulk of it was made.”

   “Still, you should have got permission. But, you were right,” Maria said, relenting slightly. “Nessa, let’s hear Ted’s progress, and then I guess we’ll wrap up. Arthur has been doing well enough that I don’t think I need to give much of an update. In fact, I think he’s done a lot of his own improvement after the shock of disclosure. I’m still cautious, but I’m largely optimistic about how he’s going. Anyway, Nessa?”

   “Ted is…Ted’s going well,” Nessa said. “In fact, I think you’d be surprised how well…”

---

 Stardate -291.7832 – Programme Day Seventy Four

  “…I’m telling you, gang, the movie makes you really think about shit.”

“Alan, you sound like a stoner right now,” Ewan said, rolling his eyes. “Also, you finished that movie at, what, ten am? You’ve been talking about it now for most of the day. Is it really that much of an eye-opener?”

   “I mean, it is a very philosophical film,” Katsuro remarked. “It certainly helped me realise who I was. Same goes for a lot of other trans people. Not that Alan is trans, though. It’s generally just a good way to get you thinking about your own identity, and about the nature of self, whether that be in terms of gender, or something else. It’s pretty infamous for that. The creators are, after all, trans women who put of their own journey of self-discovery into the film while they were still presenting male.”

   “Huh,” said Ted, sitting back on his chair, and crossing his arms. “Anyway, Katsuro, weren’t you meant to be teaching us some sort of game?”

   I refocused on the table. Katsuro had given each of us a set of thirty cards drawn from three decks of cards she had shuffled together. She had taken out all the jokers, saying that explaining how those ones worked would be a nightmare, and had allowed us to pick cards from the deck to create our own set of thirty cards, the only limitations being that we couldn’t have two identical cards of the same suit. Now she was explaining the rules. Apparently we were trying to compete to have the highest-value in three separate stacks, so long as the value didn’t exceed twenty six. There were other rules, but the gist of the game was simple. I did wonder where Katsuro had learned this. When I asked, she smiled.

   “Just a game about a mailman out for revenge.”

Ewan cocked his head. “What, this is from Postal?”

   Katsuro, for some reason, found this incredibly funny. Surprisingly, the game was pretty fun. While it was clearly not meant to be played at a good speed with two extra players, we finished the first round with a tie between Ewan and Katsuro.

   “Beginner’s luck, Ewan. That, and ties don’t happen in the game’s version,” explained Katsuro, clearly bemused by the draw “Two player limit and everything. Plus, usually it’s as much based on your luck stat as your actual skill at the minigame, so…”

   “Yeah, yeah, but I still matched you score for score,” Ewan said, grinning maniacally. “Now, let’s see if my “beginners luck” is enough to beat you next time. Set it up for another rou-”

   “Hey, would you mind if I sat with you guys?”

I looked up. It was Arthur. This was an unexpected turn of events. He was wearing a hoodie and sweatpants, and his shoulders were slumped down. He looked almost embarrassed.

   “Are you going to continue being an ass?” Katsuro asked sharply. “Also, just saying? ‘Guys’ is not a good way to address us as a group, not after me coming out.”

   “I…uh…sorry, Katsuro. I’m still getting used to…you know…”

I blinked. Huh, maybe Arthur had turned over a new stone. He still had some sort of fire in his eyes, almost like he was determined about something, but I didn’t see any anger in his face. At least that was a pleasant change. Maybe he was genuinely trying to make a genuine effort to change.

I patted the sofa seat next to me, and Arthur collapsed into it. I was nervous about being this close to him, but at least I was between him and Katsuro. Ewan looked me in the eyes, and nodded. We were ready in case he tried anything, even if all we could do is act as a pair of wimpy meatshields. Fortunately, it didn’t seem Arthur was here to fight.

   “I’ve been doing some thinking. A lot of thinking. And I’ve decided that I’m not going to wash out. If I’m getting out of here, whatever that entails, I’m doing it on my own terms. I’m not going to wash out. And I thought I’d get rid of some of my burdens before I did that. Which means…I owe you all an apology. I treated you all as my enemy, when you were just as much in the same boat as me. I should have seen you as my allies, not as being lesser than me, or being out to hurt me. I was wrong, and I apologise.”

   We were all silent for a bit. Finally, Ted spoke up. “Arthur…you may have been a dick, but…yeah, I can accept that apology, as weirdly phrased as it was. It’s big of you to be the better man and apologise. So, thank you. Apology, accepted, at least by me.”

   The rest of us voiced our own acceptances, but despite my acceptance, something about what Arthur had said was off to me. He hadn’t said anything about accepting the inevitable gender change coming to us all. Then again, he was acting extremely awkwardly right now, and he was definitely not the sort of person who regularly apologised for his bullshit. No matter how he phrased it, this was good progress for him. And maybe he was on the way to being a better person.

   “I’ll leave you to your game,” Arthur said, after a long silence. “I have a lot of things on my mind right now. I need some time alone. Thank you for letting me get that off my chest. See you later, I guess.”

   With that, he got up, and left. As he walked away, I could only wonder what had happened to the violent, crass, and utterly despicable person I had met on the first day. He seemed to resurface occasionally, like when disclosure happened, but Arthur seemed to be determined to find his own way to deal with what was happening to us. My thoughts were cut off when I brushed my right nipple with my upper arm while reaching for my cards, and realised that my nipples were currently more tender than they had been up to this point.

   “Alan, you alright?” asked Katsuro, noticing my discomfort. “You need a minute?”

“Just brushed my nipple. Been sore all day, more so than usual,” I responded through gritted teeth. “I fucking hate growing breasts.”

   “You should ask Steph for a bra,” Katsuro suggested. “You’ll need to wear one sooner rather than later, you might as well start now.”

   “Over my dead frakking body.”

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