The world was….. Nothing.

White is the only way I could describe it, a blinding white haze that seemed both infinite and yet constricting. I don't know what I did in that place, how long I existed, if I did at all. There was no up, no down, no feeling of floating or sitting…… just a feeling of being.
Suddenly as it all began, the world righted. Gravity reasserted itself and I felt as though I were falling.

Slowly at first, like being dragged down into a pool of cold, thick, blood. It was supremely unpleasant in that strange state of being. Everything was muted, and I was unable to feel anything but sticky, clinging cold running itself over my skin. Nor was I able to remember my skin, my shape, may form, not until the coldness ran over it. As though its contact brought me back into being a physical thing and no longer the existence I had been.

Once I was covered, submerged in that awful feeling, I fell again. Slowly, very slowly, the feeling of freefall began to pick up speed. Odd little sensations flashing past me as I did, the tickle of a nerve here, a flash of light there, the faintest of noises. All of it vague, distant, and indistinct. All trickling through my mind with growing frequency as my speed continued to increase.

I think…… I think I fell like that for a long while, in a state of nothingness and yet existing all the same. At the time it felt like the passage of years, the sensations slowly building along with the speed, feeling as though it were the slowest of awakenings from the deepest of sleeps. Eventually, suddenly, as though the pieces had suddenly fallen into place, the feelings coalesced into something more solid. I felt myself snap into being, not just physical, but real in the way only life can be, as flashes of memory passing over my mind in crashing waves.

Waves were the best analogy I could use, as they tumbled and built, only to crash over me a moment later and fade into nothing but the next current of thought. Some were clear to me, some distorted and faded, others simply still moments of importance that were slammed into and dragged across my mind.
I saw many of my fondest memories, times spent with Jess as children, the nights talking about nothing as teens, the pointless drama and fights that we laughed about over drinks when we left school. It was a nice place to be, falling in whatever this place was. It was calm…. There was peace to be found amongst the confusion.
Of course the things I would rather not have to remember soon swarmed in alongside those fond memories.

Times when I had fought with my parents, my mothers disdain for me when I told her she wasn’t getting grandchildren from me, her hatred of what Jess and her nature represented. The times I had fought tooth and nail against the people who tried to look down on her. The bruises I earned for being stubborn....

Soon more memories joined the writhing mess, these ones not only faded, but seemingly solid. Like shards of black, frosted glass being spun like razors amongst the waters of my mind.
The night at the club, the man, his face obscured and dark, faded and blurred memories I didn't want to look at. I knew well enough what was likely to lay behind them, and I was more than happy to simply let them pass. Not daring to touch there sharp, deadly edges as they moved around me.

I was now falling at breakneck speeds, memories and sensations flying by in blurs. My time with Merii, my feelings and fights, my growth and changes. Strangely there were blurred memories here too, things forgotten but not quite lost. They didn't feel like the others, the ones I knew would bring pain, these were just…. memories. Framed in silver, new and yet distorted.

Even though I was moving at incredible speeds and nearly lost in that wild ocean of thought, the knowledge that I was soon to reach the bottom was an instinctual certainty. I, perhaps foolishly, perhaps in desperation or just curiosity, I reached out with a metaphorical hand and grasped at the burred forms of those frosted memories that had so recently formed yet forbidden to my mind.

………………..

………..

….

 

“.....Get the tattoo.”
Merii spoke the words but they echoed in mind. It was as though the thought was my own. But I knew it wasn’t, I knew it was wrong.

I started to panic, my body trembling as I fought against the idea. I didn’t want this, I had firm feelings about tattoos, especially for a person I barely knew. So why did it feel like I wanted it? Like it was a good idea, the correct things to do? A splitting headache grew as I struggled with the idea, something running down my face.

“Disregard the tattoo. You will sit still and not think or remember anything until we leave this building.”

“Well that was certainly odd.”
Brewers voice was faint, like I was under water. All the noises were, like the world didn't want me to hear.

“Odd is one word. Concerning is another. My fledgling just resisted my compulsion. To the point of breaking her brain with the effort.”

“Is that what the nosebleed is? Of course it is, you don’t have a blood pressure…. I was unaware resisting was an option.”

Merii sighed deeply.
“It’s not. A fledgling should be a slave to their sire’s commands. Break your finger.”

I could tell, disconnected as I was, that I was trembling. My whole body seeming to jerk in place.

“Stop.” with the order my body stilled once more. “See? Every time I was told to do that as a fledgling I didn’t even think about it till I felt the pain afterwards. But she not only resisted, she’s doing so with enormous force.” 

“How very odd…. Any reason this…..”

The memory was still there, but I felt as though I were floating through it, the world was a mess of blurs and light. Even the voices I knew so well sounded distant and distorted, as though I were tuned into the wrong station and only hearing small parts of a larger conversation. My vision, what little there was, coming and going as though I were fading in and out of consciousness, out of existence…….

“Not much to go off. But they were male. At least judging by the some of the wounds on her.” 

“Unfortunate.” 

“Not uncommon though.” 

“Need I remind you that I am a licensed physiologist? If you need to talk again?” 

“We both are.... but yeah, I wish I’d never heard of generational trauma, it makes me feel bad about even raising her.”

My vision faded again, only to return a moment later as if I had been jerked from a deep and growing sleep. The conversation seemingly having moved on without me.

“A very strange and strong willed little creature it seems.” 

“Strong is right, she broke my coffee table this morning. Slammed her fist on it and splintered the damned thing. And before you ask, yes, the sun was well and truly up…….”

Again I dropped into nothingness. True nothing, I couldn't hear, see , feel, think. It was as though I ceased to exist for a moment in time. Jumping from the moment I lost consciousness to the point I was aware again in a split second that felt like eternity.

“.......tightly by the curse. Who’s blood is able to compete with yours even by proxy. That narrows it down substantially….. are her eyes Velleity silver and red? The mothers gold? Or does she take after….. another?” 

“Unfortunately. As to her eyes? No idea, during her time as a ghoul they were the usual black, and I’ve not had a chance…..”

“I suggest you force the issue before it becomes a problem.” 

“Given her reliance on instinct it should be easy enough… follow”

With that final word my eyes flew open. I had expected to still be in the alleyway, to see the dark sky above me. Instead I was met with a bright artificial light, and the off-white ceiling of Merii’s kitchen. 

It took a moment for me to orient myself, and with a groan I attempted to sit up, but a wave of vertigo forced me back down. Not having the energy to do anything, I settled for looking around from my prone position. Seeing little of note, other than the ever present Merii just as she put down her phone in the lounge. I did noticed, from the corner of my eye, an IV line in my arm connected to a near empty blood pack hanging from some kind of thin, metallic stand….. I also noticed that I was naked, again. Something that was becoming uncomfortably common when I woke up around Merii. 

“Welcome back.”
Merii said, far too happily, as she approached. Tossing me a blanket that I completely fumbled the catch on. My body was oddly sluggish and uncoordinated compared to what I had grown used to. Not that I could even be bothered trying to cover myself, I couldn't see my body being able to summon the effort it would take to preserve modesty I almost certainly lacked anyway.

“What happened?”
At least that’s what I tried to say, it came out a lot more like a drunken slur than I had wanted.

Merii made that stupid little grin of hers.
“You didn’t check your corners.~”

I gave a confused mumble, it was the best I could manage at the moment without putting in far more effort than her useless comment was worth.

She seemed to understand, or at least guessed at what I wanted to say.
“You stuck your head around a corner and got it shot off…… Honestly you're lucky to be alive.”

“Nmmgh”
I slowly tried to sit again, making a little progress as I managed, barely, to prop myself up on my elbows.
“I do remember a metallic noise…..” I spoke slowly, trying to form each word as I said it. Even then it wasn't perfect.
“And I remember you telling me to break my own finger?”
I tried giving her a glare but I wasn’t sure my face was working yet.

“Ah….”
Merii looked guilty, suddenly unable to meet my eyes as she drummed her fingers on the table.
“You remember that….. event?”

I sighed and lowered myself back flat on the table, not having it in me to be both upright and to speak at the same time. It helped, and my speech improved slightly. The haze in my mind thinning a little at the return of some blood to my brain. Not that I could think properly just yet.
“A little…. Just fragments I think…. Fuck you for messing with my head by the way. When my mind starts working like normal again I’m going to be super pissed about that…..”

Merii nodded slowly, taking a long moment before she looked at me again.
“I am sorry about that…. I thought it was best you not be….. aware, of that conversation.”

“Well I am. And I’m apparently a freak? Some strange thing?”
I wanted to be angry, but my mind just wouldn't form the right thoughts, or at least was struggling to. I still wanted to glare, but instead settled for slow blinking to get my eyes to focus more clearly.

My sire was fidgety as she answered. “A little odd….. but only in the best way. And if it’s any consolation I trust you a lot more now than I did then.”

As she spoke I had started flexing my muscles, trying, and slowly succeeding, in getting some function back. Upswing what little mental clarity I had to focus on making my anger actually work.
“Oh good… you trust me. The creature you made." A snarl formed on my face, or as close as I could accomplish. "I’m so lucky. So lucky you took the time to fuck with my memories."

That caused her to huff indignantly.
“You were….. mostly unknown who was acting outside the norm. Fledglings betraying the ones who raised them is extremely common. So, I took a little liberty and had a private conversation with you as a demonstration.”

A low growl escaped me, rumbling through my chest as i summoned what little strength I could.
"Oh fuck you! As if you didn't already hold all the cards. What other little secrets have you locked away in my head? I'm still missing two whole fucking months you know?!"

She furrowed her brows. "I do hold them yes. And if you were smart you would be thanking me for doing you a kindness I was never afforded as a fledgling. Vampires aren't born from sunshine and rainbows, we're born of suffering and blood." 

"I know how were made!" I snapped at her, "I have the internet."

"Oh?" Merii raised an eyebrow and folded her arms across her chest.
"And what, pray, did the all knowing internet say?"

I ground my teeth, knowing full well I had nothing to back myself up other than the likely incorrect information I had found online.
"Feed a human a vampires blood, drain them, they come back a ghoul. Then you feed the ghoul the same vampires blood and you get a vampire...."

"And?"

"And what?!"

"And if that's all you know then that's because it's all you wanted to know. We’re both aware there's very little that could stop you if you wanted to explore your mind. Especially after this little display of mental power..... So, please, accept this as the gift it is and move on."

I was of course very annoyed by this whole thing. I was hardly going to simply "move on" from having my mind so blatantly manipulated. Once I had some function back I would definitely make this an issue. But until then there was no point trying to argue with only half a brain and barely enough energy to even move.
“Fine…..how long was I out?…. And put the blanket on me. I’m sick of waking up undressed when I’m around you.”

Merii rolled her eyes but did as I asked.
“I may be a degenerate, but you can rest assured incest isn’t a fetish of mine…. and your breast are too small for me.”

This time I threw her a proper glare and could feel my eyes turn. Her carefree attitude really rubbed me the wrong way at the moment, and my voice came out as a low and dangerous hiss.
“Bitch”

She chuckled. A sound that I had grown fond of, but was not in the mood for.  “Sorry, sorry…. But really, it’s not on purpose I swear.  And it was Brewer who undressed you and got that IV in….. something that definitely saved your life by the way.”

 I tensed and relaxed the arm the IV needle was in, it was an odd sensation to feel the blood not only entering but being absorbed by my body. The sensation did help to mellow me out a little bit once I focused on it. On that feeling of control.
I sighed, “I thought that I could get shot and just have to wait for it to heal? Like the last time?”

Merii nodded.
“Well yes, it can take days to heal from a headshot… in your case two days. But we heal by using the blood we’ve accumulated as a catalyst….. for me that’s fine, but for a fledgling with only one feeding under her belt? I may have overestimated how much you could take.”

“Oh”
The news that I had nearly died again was almost anticlimactic. I wasn’t concerned by it, not nearly as much as I likely should have been. Not that I wanted to die, I would very much like to not die again so soon……… It was just that I felt a little numb to the idea of it.
“Did we at least get the prick?”

Merii looked a little frustrated and shook her head.
“No. After I heard the shot I came running but he was gone. He must have been damned fast to get away but I couldn’t see him.” 

I tried to throw myself upright again, failing as my muscles simply weren't ready for the sudden movement and I slammed back down. Not that I cared about that the pain at the time.
“You didn’t chase him?!”

I was honestly more angered by the loss of my prey than by her manipulation of my mind, and certainly more than my near death.

Merii shook her head, “Well I was slightly occupied, you know? With cleaning up your brains and blood? Wrapping you up in my coat so I didn’t leave a trail? Carrying your body back to the car without being seen? Things like that.”

 I wasn't just pissed anymore or angry anymore. I was furious. Had I been able to do so I would have jumped to my feet and yelled in her face about her incompetence. It was irrational of me I know, but for some reason I felt that not only losing the fight but having then let the prey escape was a true travesty and personal insult of the highest order. One that I would pay back at any cost.

Merii smiled softly, apparently watching the emotions play across my face.
“We’ll get him next time. Now we know there’s a pattern we can figure this out.”
She tried to comfort me, and it worked a little, knowing that I would have another attempt was a nice thought.

Speaking of thoughts, I had questions regarding mine.
“How am I….. me? I got shot in the head? Shouldn’t I forget everything or some crazy stuff like that?”

““We are our blood””. Merii shrugged. “One theory is that our souls are bound to our blood, another that they are trapped in our “corpse”. Either way your brain heals perfectly and there’s normally no problems with personality or memory.”

I thought about it for a moment.
“That’s so weird…. You were in my head, then my brains were on the ground and yet here I am two days later?”

Tactfully she seemed to ignore my little jab. “Well in fairness some were on the wall, and I gave some of them to Brewer as well….. also she took out your left eye while you were “dead”. It was mostly hanging out anyway, but that’s something to keep in mind when you see her.”

I draped an arm over my face, lamenting that the closest thing to a family I still had was so unbelievably cruel and crazy. And that I was so willing to just accept it.
While I did say the witch could study my eyes I had requested they remain in my head. This was why they warned us about witches I guess.
“Anything else I should know?….. any jars of my fingers or teeth that she’s managed to extract?”

Merii chuckled softly, shaking her head.
“Nothing like that. I promise, just the eye, a bit of blood and some brain matter…. Though there were probably some skull fragments in there too.”

I groaned again, what little fight I had left finally leaving me as I realised just how fucked my life had become.
“……does she want to study my eyes because I’m some strange monster? Or because of the colour?”

That made her grimace. More then my accusations about messing with my head had done.
“Yes?….. But do you really want to talk about that? Any of it?”

Sighing deeply, I pushing myself up and pulled the needle from my arm, not minding the sting as I tried to focus.
“No I don’t……." I would get there on my own. "How long till you can’t mess with me anymore?”

“I assume you mean compelling you?” That guilty look was back on her face. Thank the saints she at least had the decency to feel guilt.  “Not until you become a Lady yourself.”

Swinging my legs over the edge of the table I managed to sit up properly. Holding the blanket close to my chest, I looked Merii in the eyes.
“How long will that be?”

“It’s never simple….”
Merii stood and rested her rear against the table, leaning close to my side and putting an arm around my shoulder. Something I was a little conflicted about but found comforting. Not the same as the relaxing warmth of Brewer, but more a feeling of safety and deep trust that filled me with warmth all the same. My body relaxing a little and my mind finally letting go of a little of the building stress.

My sire sighed and shook her head. “For me it took nearly two decades. But my….. Owners. Well, they had no interest in my gaining independence from their control.”

That made me grimace, two decades was my entire life up until now. Living that again, but now at the complete mercy of another and without a close friend to lean on….. That was not something I was happy about.

“Don’t look so down. The basics of getting to that point are to consume blood and consolidate power. With how well fed you are I’m betting around three years. Provided you don’t go wasting energy on regrowing limbs and get plenty of fresh blood.”

“Three years. That…." I took a deep breath. "That’s doable. What happens to the order’s you’ve already given me then?”

Again she looked a little sheepish but to her credit she answered immediately.
“You ignore them, they become a nothing to you….. I can guess what you’re thinking about. And if you want, I can make you forget? Forget I can compel you, or that you ever questioned it. Completely forget that you’ve forgotten.”

I glared at her a gain. I hated her for suggesting that, despised the implication that I was lacking the mental fortitude to handle a little manipulation and few nightmares..... But at the same time it was an extremely tempting offer. Not worrying about what was going on in my mind would be a sweet release. Unfortunately I knew myself too well, it wouldn’t take long before I was picking at the edge of that scab like I had with my other memories. Even the ones I didn’t want to see.
“No!…. It’s better I know what’s going on. Not to mention I’d probably just give myself an aneurysm breaking through it.”
I finished my sentence with a smile. Knowing I could overcome Merii’s orders, get one up on her, was a nice thing to think about…. If a painful one.

“I thought as much… and I didn’t really want to do it. You can’t afford the blood loss of rebuilding your brain every time you try to fight it at the moment anyway.” Merii said, smiling again and helping me too my feet.
“Go get dressed, and maybe shower? I'll need to ration a little but I’ll get you a double serving tonight. There’s a bit of a panic now there’s been a second murder…. but if we’re careful I think we can probably get you a fresh meal soon as well.”

That put me in a slightly better mood. I didn’t feel parched just yet, but the disconnection and the apathy were definitely creeping in. Especially if these odd moods shifts were any indication. A hot shower and a meal would be just the perfect cure.
“What happened to my clothes by the way? She didn’t burn them right? Not the jacket at least?”

My first few steps were a little uncertain, as my brain tried to remember how feet worked. But Merii supported me as I slowly regained my footing.
“Nope, it’s all cleaned and safe….. well, accept your glasses, they were broken when you dropped.”

I sighed in defeat.
“They were so expensive too….. Do you know how hard it was to find good aviators with that red reflective tint?” 

“Very? I did see the bill.”
Patting my back she lightly pushed me towards the stairs.
“Also.... he stole your new gun.”

“That son of a bitch!”