"...up. Alina, wake up." I hear a familiar voice say.
I open my eyes to see a face staring down at me. The face looks familiar, it's skin marked by old scars and the beginnings of wrinkles. The owner of the face had sky blue eyes and chestnut skin with ginger hair, the length of which seems too long to for a guy to have. How did he know my name? He had a worried look.
"What happened? Where am I?" I ask, my voice sounding hoarse.
The man with much to long hair said, with a smile "I found you passed out in The Woods, barely breathing. You are in my most humble abode, three days after I found you. The doctor says you are lucky to have lived."
As I process this, I think to myself, Why was I in The Woods? Than it hit me, Why was He in The Woods? The Woods is a place of terror, filled with creatures straight out of myth, that not even the Royal Knights dared to enter.
But all I could say was "I see...", then I passed out. Again.
When I finally came to, I saw quite the cozy little home. The walls all seem to be made of logs, log cabin maybe? There is a window on one side above a desk covered in papers and a book or two. Across the room from the wolf-skin bed I was laying on is a massive bookshelf filled with all kinds of books and next to that in the middle of the room is a beautiful rug made of dire-wolf pelt, and on the far wall is a doorway covered not with a door but with a piece of fabric that I have not seen before, it looks kinda like...
"Ah! Your up Alina. How are you feeling?" The man with much too long hair asked as he came through the 'door' carrying a tray of food. He sat down at the desk next to the bed I was in.
"Fine, may I ask who you are? You look familiar but I don't recognize you."
"Of course. I am an old friend of your late fathers, you may have seen me when you were young. Now, would you like something to eat?"
At that my stomach growled, making me blush, "Yes" I kindly say as he hands me a bowl of soup.
As I finish eating the wonderful soup, I notice that the man is reading a book with a title so surprising I just said it aloud "How to care for a young girl"
With a hint of surprise the man asked "You can read?"
"Yes, of course, why couldn't I?"
"Its rare to see a man who can read, let alone a young lass such as yourself."
"Really?" I was surprised at that, I always thought everyone was taught to read.
"If you want you can read any book here if you get bored" he said kindly. And just that I did. It took me three weeks to finally do, but once I finished it was well worth it.
"Hey Alina, how old are you?" The question came so suddenly I almost forgot myself.
"17, why?"
"Because I was wondering if you would like to enroll in the Academy at Ninver, the capital of Slavania? You would be the only female student since most girls cant read or write like you, but it would be a good opportunity for you."
"Ninver! The city on The Syth? Where are we now?"
"Pajun"
"Pajun! Pajun is months away from Ninver!"
At that he chuckled "And some of the far eastern cites of Slavania are multiple years away from Ninver, do you want to go?"
"Yes, of course yes, I have always wanted to see The Syth!"
"Ahaha, then take this letter and when you reach the Academy hand this to the headmaster and tell him its from Master Lyon Lenin."
"Alright."
"Good, I will call a coach now."
And with that I made my way to the capital.
Map (Open image in new tab to read the smaller print, its high quality but ScribbleHub compresses it):
Finally something different!
Anyway, you want some feedback on this story? Then the first thing I'll say is... Too much progression, maybe? I feel thrown in every direction when I'm reading the paragraphs and face a new capitalized word (The Wood, as a prime example, but I guess it's because that's merely a minor detail right now), or when I'm told there is an ellipse.
695 words and it goes from "Where am I?" to "Wanna join the Academy?". What happened? Did Master Lyon Lenin adopt Alina and decide to pamper her out of nowhere? I guess he did because he's reading such a book...
Maybe you want a merry beginning, a slow start to give yourself some time... But I believe it could have been narrated in a better way. Of course I won't give any piece of my mind on how to do things because that would hinder the whole process, all I'll say is that the story is progressing a tad too fast to let myself settle in there.
The writing itself isn't so bad, however I don't remember "young adult novels" letting the dialogues so easily take over everything else... I guess we don't have the same references. That's fine.
Anyway, You say you know what to write next in there? Then I'm curious to read what you hold in your bag. By the way... Don't forget to actually write a synopsis, it may help. (Also nice map you got there, it shows the geographic potential of your story. Love it.)
about the fast progression, this had a bit of a timeskip in it, by a few weeks, because i felt that this point in the story was not relevent, this is less of a first chapter and more of a prologue to give a reason for why she is at the academy for the start of the story. as for the part about The Woods, thats a bit of foreshadowing and the MC will find out later in the story why they were there.
remember that i wrote this when i was 15, specifically it was an extra credit assignment for my english teacher (i went to special ed, so we had lots of ways to get good grades without doing actual schoolwork). I may come back to this chapter to fix it up at some point. but perhaps i should change the title to "Prologue" to better reflect the purpose of this chapter.
Thank you for the feedback :)
as for a bit of a look into the overall story.... if you know of the books such as Artemis Fowl and stuff like that, its similar to those. MC goes on an adventure to find things, things that will be important for the story, however the adventure wont start right away, there will be a first arc at the academy+something else, in order to build up the setting as well as to give explanation as to any knowledge or skills the MC has going forward. but i don't want to spoil it more than that.