I feel numb.

Paolo is sitting in his chair. I shot him. I look at the blood flowing on his still serious face. He didn’t scream, nor beg for help. He accepted his death with pride. His last words were, “Shoot me and be done with it.”

Somehow, I think I killed a really great man. And I believe he deserves my respect fully. I wanted to give him a swift death, just one bullet.

My plan was made carefully and meticulously. I knew he would be here alone since he forgot some papers, which I purposely left on his desk before he left. I called him, and he said he would come to take them.

In the process, I cleaned his office of any guns or sharp objects. Also, I knew he never wore a gun. He was more of a businessman, classy and perhaps too confident in his guards. Well, for the guards, I had Terzo take care of them.

Standing, gazing at the dead man, I feel no remorse. Never have I ever intended to be a killer. But here I am. The years of training with Terzo and Dad made me feel nothing while shooting. Still, something inside of me made me identify with the mafias, and I hated that. They are killers… I am a killer too. They killed my parents, I will kill Marco.

The rage in me builds up, and I scold myself for even having thought of the possibility of giving up killing Marco. I will. Be it good or bad. Even if I become something I surely despised. A mafia girl. Ready to shoot, ready to kill, ready to not have any humanity left.

My hand grips the gun I used to kill Marco. The view in front of me somehow makes me angry. Angry that I had to kill another human to get close to my plan to kill Marco. Paolo was a great man, even though he made me wear those high heels.

May he rest in peace.I make a cross sign on my chest like a true Christian. May his soul be free, and his sins fall on me. That will be my payback. I am sure his pretty wife and kids will cry a lot after him. He should get to heaven. I am going to hell anyway.

Awakened, I feel a hand pressing on my mouth and another hand gripping the hand I have the gun gripped. My back slams into a hard chest, and I grip his wrist with my free hand.

Damn! Damn! Damn! Don’t tell me I got caught while I was lost in thought. Terzo was right. I should never be distracted while on missions.

“It’s me.” A male’s raspy voice whispers in my ear the words that bring me relief instantly. I know the voice… I love the voice.

Damiano caught me again. Damn it! How did he know? Last time, I found out from Terzo that he was the one guarding the trucks, and it was all a misunderstanding on my part. He asked me if I met Damiano. Of course, I didn’t tell him I did. But this time, how did he know where I was?

“Care to spill why you’re lurking around?” I feel the rage burning in my chest, and it’s about to explode. If this goes like this, he will know when I kill his father, and he can stop me. And we don’t want that!

“I could say the same thing.” I don’t care about facades anymore. Tonight, I want to know his deal. Let’s play! Bittercandy Miss will help me test things a little. Maybe I can shift Marco’s death onto Bittercandy since he thinks I am her.

And, damn if I don’t hate her! I don’t care if she takes the blame. I might be able to see if he wants to protect his father or not. I might see how much he loves Bittercandy also. There are a lot of things to find out tonight. I might come out hurt from knowing them, but I assume the risk. I have to.

“I am here to protect you.” I feel like laughing, but he is not wrong. If other people were in his place, like he said last time, I would be in danger. Even now. I hate him saying it! But what pisses me off more is that he seems to protect Bittercandy, not me. Would he protect me if he knew it’s me? This question is filling my chest with anxiety I hate.

My hand grips his wrist harder, and I am prepared to find out more things I hate asking, but I have to know them. As much as I hate that I am jealous of her, as much as I want to know how much he is into her. Why am I so stupid? I could just keep my distance, let him think I am her, and quit letting myself act on the impulses of these feelings I have towards him.

I don’t even know if I love him. Can you love someone you despise the next second? If yes, then I consider myself deeply in love with him. If not, then thank God. But I think the truth falls into the first option. Else why would I be doing this bullshit?

“Why do you protect me?” Yes. I want to dig more. I want to confirm to my heart that I should give up on him. And I know it’s stupid to hurt yourself. But whatever.

“You need protection, Bittercandy.” His voice makes me shiver again, only to make me turn to him and glare.

He is lying. Bittercandy is a killer. She might need protection, but what I want to know is why? Why does he do this?

“Are you truthful?” My heart tightens when I see his face in the dim light. His eyes gaze at me with the same eyes he had when he kissed my forehead. I love and hate this expression. The fact that his arms are on my shoulders makes me see him closer, and I can’t back up. I feel caught in his eyes and I wish to scream that it’s me. Not Bittercandy…

“I am not.” His smirk makes my heart beat faster, and I hope Damiano doesn’t pull me closer. Our bodies are a few centimeters apart; if they were to touch, he would know that my heart just went on a gallop full speed, to my disapproval.

My heart is my number one enemy and traitor. Sigh…

I bite my lips from frustration, and his gaze falls on them.

“Tell me the truth.” I can’t give up. I am gonna find out. I feel he will tell me from the way he seems to have less control as he watches me. I can feel the lust mixed with love, the chain that is about to crack if I keep on begging him. He will tell me.

I wished that the begging was just a mere act, but no. I think I do this for real.

“You can’t handle it.” His face is closer, and I have the full impact of his smirk again.

Damn how can he look so hot… How can he make my own heart betray me? He is gonna be my death… For sure.

But you know what… I am willing to take the risk. I am willing to die…emotionally speaking, from what he might reveal.

“…I can.” My mouth opens, and I speak the truth, even if I feel myself hesitating. Maybe my survival instinct kicked in. I know partially I won’t be able to handle well whatever he might say about Bittercandy. This is an attack on my life itself.

To my surprise, he presses his lips on mine, and I freeze for a few seconds. I was definitely expecting words, not kissing. I don’t know how I should feel. Instead of analyzing the link between the kiss and his feelings towards Bittercandy, I am pulled in by his wet lips and his hands on my neck, dragging me in heaven.

I forget about Bittercandy or whatever. My mind is melting from his skillful lips and hot palms on my cheeks. The material of the mask feels invisible; his touch is palpable. My hands grip his jacket, and I pull him close, my lips savoring his without restraint. I love his taste, and I don’t remember the last time I kissed someone like this.

He is very in sync with my thirst, and I love how he desires me the same as I do. I wish I won’t start to feel sad and hesitating when I remember that this kiss was for someone else, not me. The way he slides his tongue on my lower lip, begging for more, just makes it hard for me to stop and pull back.

But as I become more aware and cool my head, I pull back. My hands are still clinging to his jacket as if begging him to stay. I hate this… I really do. All my anger is gone; he took it from me with just one kiss. Hate this too.

But the sadness he didn’t. However, I will not show him my pitiful side. I become serious as I lock eyes with him, his heavy breath making me almost lose my focus and jump him.

“I will kill your father.” I watch his reaction, and he blinks unsurprised. Hmmm… is his father usually hated? Even by Bittercandy? Well, the man seemed detestable. Wouldn’t blame her.

“I thought so.” His short smile hits me, and I feel my chest tightening. I hate how he can make me so relieved…

“I will start a war.” I look at him, hoping to get a frown, something that I can take as a sign of disapproval. Something, just something that shows he won’t do it for her. But no…

“Doesn’t matter.” His finger brushing my cheek and his close-up face make me feel his deep commitment. I don’t see any faking, no lie. He is really meaning his words.

“Damn it…” I don’t need more proof that he loves Bittercandy more than he loves his life. All I said are things that can get him killed easily if he is not smart enough to hide them.

He truly loves her. I feel dead inside, yet there is still a flame burning.

“Get used to having me as your damn shield.”

He slams his lips on mine more violently, and I give in. I don’t care. This will be the only time I allow myself to feel him up. Today I want to give him exactly what I feel. I want to have what he gives, even if it isn’t for me. I really want to feel what it’s like to be in her place.

I return his kisses with the same urgency, and I feel the same sweet taste I expected. I wish the mask wasn’t here, but I can’t take it off. As if he reads my mind, he raises the mask over my nose, and his voice assures me that he won’t take it off. I love his voice and his caring gestures. The smirk he gives me is a thing I wish to see every day, and I know I am blushing.

He slams his lips on mine quickly as if I am his oxygen. His hands are touching my cheeks, and I feel my skin burning. I like the warmth of his hands and lips that kiss me, begging for more. My mouth opens voluntarily, eager to taste more of him. Damn if I don’t need him more than anything right now.

His tongue slides in and caresses mine. I find myself following his lead, enjoying where he takes me, the emotions he makes me feel, and the sensations he gives with so much passion.

I love his hands.

I love his eyes.

I love his lips.

I love everything that has to do with him.

I love Damiano.

I feel like losing myself because he bites my lip seductively, my moan and arched back surprising even me, and my hand itching to be in his hair and having his hands on me. But he pulls back, out of nowhere pushing me away with care. He frowns, and I know he doesn’t want to end this either. I feel glad he does this, but I also feel sad.

Damiano pulls my mask over my face and whispers to me to let him go. I let go of his jacket and catch my breath. His breath ragged, I feel fortunate making him this frustrated, his hands brushing his hair and the frown on his forehead. He passes me, hiding behind a shelf, and I glance at him before leaving the office room.

I close the dim light and walk in the dark towards the entrance, Terzo opening the front door. Damiano hears very well, I guess. Or he is just sensing things too well…

“You done?” He seems to be done. And I am done. I am done with everything. With Paolo and with Damiano. Tomorrow is a new day. Falling for Damiano is a mistake my heart did. I will lock my heart, imprison it, for making such a dumb decision. I never knew that I could feel this depressed and in pain because of my own heart. I feel hit by a truck, maybe worse.

“I am done. Let’s go.” I know it will be hard to bottle up all these emotions sweeping by me, but I will have to mask them somehow. And I am not worried about masking them in front of our housemates or everyone else; I am concerned about how I will hide this in front of Damiano.

“Good. Let’s go, then. Are you okay?” Terzo observes my heavy breath, and I pass him, hoping he didn’t see my swollen lips.

“I am better than ever. Let’s just go.” This sigh was the deepest sigh I ever let out. And there’s this gut feeling, you know, that this and the ache in my heart will become my new norm.

Damn you, Damiano…

Damn my heart…

Deep sigh…