I was surprised when he changed my shoes. He seems more perceptive than he looks. Damiano never looked better than today, and inside me, there is this question of why I was thinking that. His attire was all black, but I could see through his gestures that his soul was anything but black.

Thoughts about the way he protected me and found a way to include me in his plan, even though he wasn't sure if I would betray him or not, make me question why he trusts me and loves me so unconditionally. I can see it in his eyes. I am certain that he is not bluffing anything.

Truth be told, I never wanted to form a family. After my parents died, I was sure that I was too scared of having someone important to me die again. I was scared of losing someone, and I still am.

Damiano can protect himself, yet in my heart, the fear makes me freeze in front of my honest confession towards him. If I confess, there is no way I can lie to myself about being just an attraction, a one-night stand, or an arranged marriage he planned.

I gulp, looking at his face as he eats some Arancini. He doesn't have to know any of this. I will keep it a secret. My love will be a secret until I am brave enough to acknowledge publicly that I am truly smitten by him, and he is a person that truly matters to me.

"You don't like it?" His voice startles me. We stay on a bench eating, and I still have one Arancini left, half-eaten in my hands.

"I… like it." I smile shiftly, and I can't seem to take my mind off the fear entering my whole being. It happens; it happened before. Is crisis something I have to go through always? But it will pass. I just hope he won't see through my mask.

My thoughts are imbued by blood, and my parents dead on the floor. Their screams are echoing in my mind, and I close my eyes, breathing deeply.

"Are you fine?" Damiano's voice is intertwining with the image I have in my mind right now. He is on the floor, dead like Marco. I killed him.

I have to get over it. Sweat is forming on my forehead, and I bend, covering my face with my palms. Damiano is safe. He is right next to me. There is no way he will die.

I am scared to open my eyes; the images will become more vivid, and I will lose it. He will think I am crazy. He will detest me for being officially sick mentally.

"Amara! Hey… Open your eyes." He has my face in his palms after I struggle not to let him.

"Don't… let me go… I am fine." My voice trembles, and he brushes my cheeks as my hands grab his wrists.

"Look at me." His voice is calm, and I bite my lip. I can't do it. My mind is playing with me, showing him with a bullet in his head, and I am on top of him, stabbing him. I can't open my eyes.

"Bittercandy… I know how you feel. It's normal to have those nightmares, especially after you killed my father."

"You don't know how I feel. You don't know how I feel, Damiano. Let me go." I mumble as I force my way through. His hands lose their strength, and I cover my head with my arms, falling on my lap.

The images in my mind are less vivid, but the fear is palpable. I just have to bear it a little more. This episode reminds me what I really am. I am a coward. If I really want to be with Damiano, I will have to fight it. But I know that in this world of mobsters, dying is actually easy.

Is it really worth fighting my fear to suffer once more? I am sure that after Damiano will die, I will never rehabilitate myself. I know that.

I open my eyes and breathe heavily. I glance at Damiano, who frowns observing me.

"Sorry… I ruined the date."

"I don't care about the date. But I care about you. What is wrong?" He moves closer, stretching his hand to caress mine. I pull back briefly, and he stops stretching his hand. Backing off, he resumes watching me, frowning.

He cares about me. I can see that. It's all my fault. He is so hard not to love. It's all my fault for defensively protecting myself. Damn it. I wish I could be sane and love him the way he deserves to be.

"Just a headache… I am really fine. Don't worry." I glance at him, and he doesn't buy it. But his mouth stays sealed. I really like him. Sigh. Damn everything!

"Want to stay more, or should I drive you home?" He sighs and watches me.

"I want to go home." It's better than ruining the date more. It's already ruined anyway. I really should have been careful. I thought that after killing Marco, they would vanish. Guess they still remain. Maybe Damiano triggered it back. Or more likely, my fear of losing Damiano triggered it back.

Either way, I will have to be more careful, maybe avoid Damiano for a while. This way, he will not see any more of this, and I won't be suffering.

After leaving in silence, we arrived where we parked the car. I am in the passenger seat, and he is driving silently. He glances at me, and I can tell he is holding back from saying what he wants.

We arrive in front of the apartment, and he grabs me by the sleeve when I want to get out of the car. I turn to look at him.

"I will give you time to open up to me. But just so you know, I am not a very patient man, Bittercandy." He sighs and adds, "Don't hide from me… please." He lets go of my sleeve and gets out of the car, coming fast, opening my door.

"Promise that you will not take long." His eyes stare at me, and I nod.

He takes my hand, and I follow him into the building. His warm hand makes my heart tighten more, and I have a chest pain worse than the broken ribs I had last month. Damn him. I will have to decide faster than I thought.

He stops in front of the door and hugs me. I can feel his heart beating fast, and his warmth spreads to me.

"I will text you. Remember to reply." He whispers before letting me go.

"I will keep in mind." I smile briefly, and he smiles satisfied. The door is opened by him, and I get inside first.

"Amy!" Emilio stands up from the couch and looks at me with concerned eyes. He glances at Damiano too.

"Emi… I am home." I say as I take my shoes off. I really felt peaceful when I am around Emilio. He feels like a mother. I didn't really want to get attached to him, but here I am, kind of glued to him by now.

"Boss, can I serve you a… coffee?" Emilio comes closer and hugs me as he asks Damiano, who is frowning.

"I don't drink coffee. I am going. Take care of Amara." He turns to leave, and I can feel my heart ripping for some unknown reasons. I don't want to look at him leave. I bury my face in Emilio's shoulder, and he pats my back.

The door closes, and Emilio asks finally freely.

"Amy, what the hell did this bastard do to you?"

"He didn't do anything. It's all my fault." I depart, looking at him with tears in my eyes.

"Your fault? Why? You are never at fault. You are my most obedient and sweet child." He smiles and brushes my hair aside. I let out a sigh.

"I had an episode with him on our date…" I look around sadly.

"They are all out. Come here; let's talk." He grabs my hand, and we step towards the couch. We sit, and I continue.

"He appeared in my mind dead, blood everywhere. I was stabbing him, similar to my usual episodes with my parents." I let out a sigh and lean on the couch.

"I told you before. You are scared of losing people you love. Maybe Damiano got his share of your heart, Amara." Emilio is serious, and I guess he is right, as usual.

A few weeks ago, we talked about this when I had nightmares for a few days before killing Marco. I told him about my parents death, and he came to this conclusion. I refused to take medication, and he was mad at me.

"If you don't want to take meds, better solve that fear issue." He is right.

"I wish I could. I am still not sure I want to fight it yet. You know, as long as I am not getting too attached to anyone like a family, I should be fine. The episodes got less since then."

"Amy. Do you love him?" He is straightforward, asking me the question that will delineate my future. If I say yes, I will have more nightmares and eventually find a way to escape from fear. If I say no, I might get my heart broken again, but I won't have the episodes.

"I… I don't know." I shift my eyes.

"Do you love him?" He presses me, and I glance at him, frowning.

"I said I don't know."

"Really? If I told you I saw him making out with a girl from the club a few days ago, how would you feel?"

"He won't do that?" I glare at him, sighing. Damiano loves me too much to do that. And he is not the type to do that. I am sure of him. Curiously, I really do trust him on that.

"So you trust his love. That's great." He grabs my hand, and I look at the ring exposed. "I suggest you return this ring if you don't plan on being for real. Get the fear away for once. Be brave for him. Else you are unworthy of his love."

His words make me aware of how unfair I am.

"I… I love him. Damn you… Maybe I just needed a push. Emi, you are really what I needed as a friend… and a mom that I didn't have." I frown at him, half displeased, half in tears.

I can't give up on him. Somehow, I feel that the fear of losing him, of giving him to someone else, might be bigger than the fear of hurting myself.

"Wipe that look, kid. I know what I raise. You are brave but maybe lack a little determination. Don't worry. I will push you always." He slaps jokingly my shoulder and sighs opening the TV. I wipe my tears feel better .

"Thanks, Emi." I punch briefly his shoulder.

"Your welcome." He glances at me, and I can see that he has more things to say.

"Feel free to ask more." I sigh knowing that his mom nature needed to know more than just a few things.

"Did he propose to you, girl? Without asking me first… How was it? Tell me it was a nice place. I mean, just tell me more." I chuckle at his mixed expressions of anger and excitement plus curiosity.

"It was a nice place." In my mind, Marco's dead body lying on the floor next to Damiano when he proposed is making me chuckle. He was really desperate to propose.

"Should I tell you the most important thing?" I smirk, and he looks curious.

"Surprise me!"

"I damn well lost my virginity…" I sigh, and he starts to laugh.

"Are you sure you enjoyed your first time? You look kind of annoyed, as if you weren't really satisfied. You remind me of Bianca… sigh…"

I chuckle, saying, "I think there's the possibility to be mad because it was too good too be true . He was a damn beast…" Emilio raises his eyebrows, waiting for more details.

"Nope. Don't pull that shit on me. That's all you get."

"Oh, come on!"

"Still no."