Route 078

 

I was driving home, there was a bit of rain and I had my radio on low.

 

My girlfriend kicked me out after a fight, she was yelling at me due to something...

 

I wasn't paying attention.

 

It was a new moon tonight somewhere behind the clouds and no one else was on the roads. it was too late for anyone sane to be out

 

It was my fault I know it was, I'm not that bad I don't think

 

Just i don't understand how to stop

 

I know that's a me issue…

 

I really should just go to therapy like she keeps bugging me to do

 

I don't think I can handle losing her. She makes me so happy… yet when the day unwinds and we are just quietly living 

 

I just can't be what she deserves it feels like I lose control and cause so many different issues 

 

She did right in kicking me out i don't deserve her at all

 

I don't deserve anything I have…

 

The rain was starting to pick up going from a drizzle to a little worse 

 

My radio was playing some Lofi song or something at the lowest volume 

 

It was a nice night for something like this 

 

I pull off into some random parking lot and park the lot’s lights are off and I turn off the headlights

 

It was a beautiful night despite the rain you could still see some of the night sky

 

And all the lights get turned off at night so I was able to see some stars 

 

I wish she were here with me

 

She would love this dark and peaceful night not bitingly cold but still cool 

 

I just sit there 

 

The rain falling

 

The radio playing some piano melody in the background 

 

And I just think

 

She is truly the best thing to happen to me

 

She helped me when I needed it 

 

Helping me out of an abusive relationship 

 

Helping me find a job

 

Listening to me rant about my favorite movies 

 

Making me feel loved

 

Until I couldn't contain it and I had to ask her out

 

I was so scared. She is beautiful, loving, and kind 

 

Hell I didn't even know if she was queer 

 

Yet I asked and she said yes

 

She decided to take me on a date right there and then 

 

And we were perfect for a while 

 

Then I started to...

 

Be like I am again

 

I never hit her or anything but that doesn't mean I was what she deserved 

 

At first, I just made little comments that I didn't even notice 

 

She was so perfect yet I didn’t know how to treat her right

 

She is an amazing cook... yet I've never put in the effort to cook for her

 

Whenever we had to plan a date she had to bring it up

 

I do not deserve her at all

 

The rain started to quiet down again 

 

As the clouds passed the moon the night sky was almost as beautiful as she is to me

 

Why can't I be good for her

 

I know it can never happen 

 

I can never be good enough for a girl like her

 

Im broken 

 

Abandoned and…

 

I'm scared 

 

I don't even know what I'm scared of

 

I don't even know why I parked i should have just kept driving back home

 

I turn the headlights back on and start to pull out back on the road

 

The quiet music 

 

The traffic lights stop me as I leave her town and make my way back to my shit-poor town

 

My town used to be a coal mining town and now it is just a few rundown buildings and a cheap apartment 

 

I should at least say sorry to her

 

I should've at least done that for her even if I did not mean it yet 

 

But it is too late now

 

She said she doesn't want to talk to me

 

Whats what she said when she kicked me out 

 

Not to call text or do anything before she does 

 

I don’t want to lose her

 

But I never deserved her

 

As I pull into my apartment parking I just shut the car down and shit

 

The radio still playing quietly 

 

The rain was still calmly falling

 

And I'm still not worth it

 

I'm not worth anything

 

Not the job I only got due to her sticking her neck out for me

 

Not the apartment I only got due to her help

 

Not the car she spent a month helping me fix because she wanted to

 

Not the name she helped me pick 

 

She is my first true love

 

The first woman I had the strength to ask

 

The first to help me when my ex-boyfriend hit me

 

The first to care about me

 

She is my everything

 

And I’m nothing

 

Nothing but someone hurting her in all the worst ways

 

I betray her trust I don't do enough and it's not fair

 

I take the keys out of the ignition of my car and start to make my way into my apartment 

 

The door unlocks with a click and I head inside locking the door as I go and lie down on the couch 

 

For the first time since I left my girlfriends, I grab my phone 

 

I know I got at least 2 texts and

 

Now I'm scared to look at what they were

 

I just lay there for a while 

 

The rain hitting my balcony window 

 

I open my phone

 

And I truly don't deserve her

 

I wish she would just get ride of me like the trash I am

 

Yet she texted me this

 

“I'm sorry I kicked you out”

“It's just hard when you shut down like that i know we talked about it a bit before... just when you get home text me”

"I love you"

 

At that, I finally started to cry

 

My emotions finally hit me

 

Not the numb emptiness I was feeling but the full weight of what I put her through 

 

“I'm home safe…

 I'm sorry for everything”

 

With that, I close my phone

 

I lay there for what felt like hours the rain got worse again

 

Now a downpour

 

But I'm not driving anymore