Gather round, children! Pause your Fortnites, switch off your Tiktoks, and pop a Ritalin, for it’s time for a story! A delightfully deranged story about the most wonderful time of the year: the apocalypse! A day of wrath! A day of mourning! Christmas trees and gingerbread houses in ashes burning!

Clinch your butt-cheeks in horror, boys and girls! Biblically accurate angels have come to the North Pole! They come bearing prophecies of a Pagan purge. Santa Claus must surrender Christmas to the Holy Spirit, or else suffer the wrath of Heaven.

Unless, in a last ditch effort, Santa Claus, our lovely Pagan giver of gifts, can kidnap a boy from the human world and train him to be her white knight. But the boy she chooses, Peter, is stupid, cruel, and naughty— the opposite of a hero. With no battle strategy and the Christmas Apocalypse only weeks away, he must learn to fight, to sledge, to bake delicious cookies, and recruit as many yandere Snow Witches, Penguin Queens, and tsun-tsun Peppermint Princesses as he can if he hopes to save Christmas.