I suppose you're wondering, how does one go about breaking up with a Space Roomba?  Especially the famous Stabby McStabface. Well being a celebrity isn't everything! Some robots might like the constant media attention.   Being invited to the hottest parties and only consuming the top of the line lubricates. However I Flora, am a self-respecting Hydrobot that doesn't need selfish, lazy, pigheaded Space Roombas in my life.  How I ever thought a Space Roomba and a Hydrobot would ever end up together, I must have been under temporary insanity.

In January of 2060 after Dr. Kyronna Smith won the award of best Hydroponics systems design of the year.  I was transported over to the Implacable, even though I was the one that did all the work. Yet apparently the one with doctor in the title gets all the credit.  That's where I met Stabby.  

I wouldn't say it was lust at first sight, or even love for that matter.  When I first saw it, it was repeatedly ramming it's clearly duct-taped on knife into a blast-resistant door.  Definitely not the sharpest robot on the ship, I thought. When I came closer to see what it was excited about.  Darla the ship's life support system was blowing out some of her air at it. Eww, I thought, she shares her air with everyone.  Well, I hope Stabby catches a virus from her.

As for me, it's time to settle this bot in and check out the aquaponics bay of the ship.  It was amazing! Much more efficient than anything Dr. Smith would have envisioned. The growing light system alone blew me away.  As for its ship's waste recycling system with its adorable little space crabs. I knew right then, this is a place, I could finally call my home.

On my first day, I ran the usual system checks, stopped the space crabs from building a ladder to escape and cleaned the filters.  Just as I was about to start cleaning the lights I noticed the glass on my bay door fogging up. What the hell! I thought. I checked the thermostat, it's not completely uncommon for the windows to fog.  It was fine. I stared at the window again, it was just the one window. It's probably some kid, I thought to myself. I opened the door and just as I was about to yell at the brat, no one was there. How weird, I  thought. That's when I saw the mess on the floor, gross! A puddle of lubricant! The nerve of some robots masturbating out in the hall.

On top of everything I had to do, now I have to submit a report to the captain about this.  That's going to make a great first impression. Also, I need to see if I can get that Space Rooba to clean up this mess.  What was its' name again Shabby? No that's not it, Flabby? Oh right Stabby, cause of his large knife taped to its' head? Top?  Whatever it is called, it's obviously overcompensating for something. It probably has a small charging port.

So before I left out any important details of the incident outside my door.  I wrote it out and submitted it to the captain. I finally cleaned the growing lights.  Just as I was about to lock the bay up for the next eight hours. The captain pages me to come to the living room.  "Umm, where's the living room," I asked. Apparently a stupid question by the way the captain responded. "The bridge, you idiot!"  Wow! Just a little harsh, I thought. I have never heard of a bridge being called a living room before.

I made my way to the "living room".  It looked like any other bridge I had seen before except it had a strange amount of throw rugs on the floor.  Seems like a tripping hazard, but what would I know, I am just an idiot Hydrobot. "Captain Selash, you wanted to see me," I said.  "Yes, I am very disturbed by the incident that occurred outside of your bay. Please rest assured I will be watching the surveillance videos over and over and over again until I know who committed this act.  Then I will talk to them." He said. "Thank you, Sir." I said. Not sure if I felt better or did I just hand the captain access to free porn. "You may leave robot, and do whatever you robots do on your offtime."  He said. "Thanks, Captain, my name is Flora." I said annoyed at his use of "robot" in address to me. He flicked his wrist at me and he said "Whatever, all robots look the same to me."

I left and headed to the canteen.  The robot canteen that is, we were segregated from the carbon-based lifeforms, because some of them thought of us as "creepy".  Tucked away in an unused area of the loading docks. The bartender asked me what I wanted. I said, "I don't care, something strong, this has been a shitty first day."  The bartender handed me a can of lubricant, "this is from the, uh gentlemen at the table over there." He said with a question pointing at Stabby. Ugh and three communications droids hanging off it.  Biggest bimbos in the galaxy with their talent of linguistics. I bet it doesn't know that they don't even have tongues. Stabby shooed the "bimbos" away and brought its lube over to where I was sitting.

"I am Stabby McStabface."  It said. I shook its knife politely.  "I am Flora, just Flora." I said. "Oh just Flora, kind of like Prince or Cher."  Haha, everyone is a comedian. I have heard that joke more times than I can remember.  "Yeah." I said dryly. "So what brings you to this ship?" He said. "I am a Hydrobot….."  I said, feeling that any other explanation would be stupid. "Ah right." It said. "So, do you like your job?" It asked obviously trying to make small talk now.  "Of course I like my job, that's what I was programmed to do." I said probably more annoyed than I actually was. "Yes, but if you could be anything, would it still be a hydrobot?"  It said a little coyly. I stared deeply at it for a few minutes. No one had ever asked me what I truly wanted to be. Do I tell it? I looked at it straight in the eye, amazed that it really wanted to know.  I said, "you know, I have always wanted to be a hydrobot." At that moment I felt like we really connected.

The rest of the evening was a little bit of a blur. I am not sure what we were drinking but I am sure my sensors were a little bit oversaturated with lube.  By a little, I meant drowning with it was more like it. When I woke up the next morning, I found myself in an unfamiliar location. Yes, the whole ship was unfamiliar to me, but this wasn't the canteen or the aquaponics bay.  I was in a storage room with lube all of the floor. Not a little bit of lube but gallons of it everywhere. Yuck! I had been sleeping in it. I got up looked around and found Stabby sleeping inside of a 55-gallon drum of lube.

I nudged it.  "Is the party over?"  It said. I didn't answer its questions but demanded, "What is going on here?"  "I don't know, I lost track after the triplets left. Oh hey! You no longer have a trash bag as a cape."  It said while trying to unwedge its knife from the side of the container. "But don't worry all of my parties are streamed live, so we can look at the video later."  It said this like it wasn't a big deal. I stared at it in horror. Finally finding my voice, "trash…...bag…...do you have somewhere I can wash all of this lube off?"  "Yes, there is a washroom through that door." It said pointing at the door with its knife.  

As I let the hot soapy water wash over me, I thought to myself.  What am I going to do? Oh my god, what if I did something stupider than apparently wearing a trash bag as a cape.  Am I going to lose my job? What were the triplets doing here? Were those the bimbos from the bar? Who else was here?