Down I went into the dark mysterious stone stairway that had appeared in my apartment’s closet. Step by step, I followed the stairs as they spiraled down as I went. After a few rings I was positive there was something more to this given my apartment was on the second floor. As I kept going I found some fabric scraps, I think these were what had become of my spare shoes. Further down, I spotted the old coat rack lying about the stairs. (Why is it so dark?) I couldn't help but wonder, without the headlamp, I don't think I would be able to see anything. Eventually, I stopped and started to hear noises. I stood silently for a moment listening to the voices.

“Gee!”

“Gyao?”

“Gahaa!’

The 'Gee’s' and 'Gyaa's' seemed to echo up the stairs. I couldn't tell how many were down there but from what I could hear, it was more than a few.

“Let’s hope this thing works,” I said holding the shiny golden Soma in my hands tightly. When I was modding the gun, I considered what might happen if I surpassed normal physical limits. In the game you can significantly increase the fire rate, and add elemental damage among other things, but how would that translate out of the game? How significant are the changes made to game items? What happens when you need to account for the laws of physics? Or entropy? I don’t have enough examples. Aside from this gun and some mushrooms, the only other thing I could think of was the Hylian shield. Nothing I could call significant, even if magical.

My questions aside, the other stat I added besides the ammo reserves was reduced recoil. In game, you could be pointing at an enemy; the next thing you know, you’re pointing at the sky. It only took a mod to fix, so I added two for good measure.

With my thoughts to take me off the mysterious stairs, I found myself in I continued my descent. After having spent 10 minutes walking, the finely cut stone steps seemed to grow rough and uneven. After another few more laps, the voices grew louder.

It took what felt like forever but when I finally approached the bottom of the stairway I noticed the stone steps were growing uneven and looked strange, as if they were merged with the rough stone floor. (Or were they coming out of the floor?) Regardless, having finally arrived at the bottom of the stairs I proceeded with caution. I turned off the headlamp and started taking soft steps. When the stairway finally stopped I found myself in a small alcove, in front of me was a small opening in the stone wall it reminded me of an archway. Wrapping myself with the Invisibility Cloak I approached the opening. Peering through the archway, the other side was a large circular room.

In the center was a moderately sized bonfire surrounded by goblins. Many of them were surrounding the fire, some were dancing around the fire while others seemed to be eating.  Towards the far side of the room, there were two that were playing music, (I think) they were hitting rocks with bones and producing noise. (I know I didn’t hear them on my way down, did they just start? Kinda wish I brought a flashbang now… Welp, time to crash the party).

Kneeling I got into position, using the arch as support, and with my hand around the Soma's golden circular receiver and the butt firmly against my shoulder I pulled the trigger.

*Burrt

Sweeping my gun over the area the first shots rang out. The goblins immediately stopped their party.  The atmosphere had changed completely the moment the noise was heard. It was an all-out panic. Since they were the easiest targets, I started with one of the drummers.

*Burrt

And then the other.

*Burrt

“GYAA!” shouted one of the larger goblins. Only to fall after the noise sounded again.

*Burrt

“What is going on!? What is happening!” were the internal cries of one goblin. Their eyes had been blinded by the light and their ears deafened by the booming noise. They were just celebrating sending the warrior to the ‘unknown lands’. 

Another of the group who had opened his eyes and saw the goblin in front of him, then the noise of death came once again.

*Burrt

He watched the body fall to the stone ground, as the smell of burning meat filled the air. There was a charred hole through his abdomen.

*Burrt

The noise again rang claiming another two of the group. Panic, fear, death, the group fell apart, it was every Gob for themselves. Some made a break for the back while others ran towards the unknown lands. Those who ran towards the unknown lands that rose above fell first.

*Burrt

When I couldn't see any more movement I stopped firing. The room was quiet, other than the fire cracking. I slowly made my way into the room to assess the damage. The room was a mess and was likely one before it was littered with goblin corpses. As I looked around the bonfire there didn’t seem to be anything of note just bones from some unknown creature. Bones seemed to be their main tool of choice. I might have some time to look around later, but for now I need to collect the bodies. Using the satchel item bag over my shoulder I went around the room collecting the bodies. Holding the bag open and holding a finger or a toe in the bag was enough for it to suck them in. I double-checked each one to ensure there was a hole in them otherwise, I shot them. I don’t want one playing possum.

While collecting one of the bodies I found some stone-knapping tools, while interesting trinkets, they were useless to me. When I was finishing putting the 16th body in the bag I was growing abundantly aware of how heavy it was getting. Item bags in media commonly divide the weight of an item by 10 so if these guys weigh 60lbs each the bag now weighs about 100 pounds. I say 60 because while I was collecting them I noticed that many of them were emaciated. likely why they needed to invade my apartment was for food. “I really need to figure out storage rings.” That reminds me where did they go in that direction? I noticed that while some came running towards me, others ran to the back. 

I started exploring the far wall using the headlamp, and I quickly found another opening. “That’s where they escaped?" I asked looking down the stone tunnel. For a moment, I counted the number of rounds passed through Soma's receiver, I used 47 rounds. A little under 3 shots per kill, that isn’t that bad.

While I was questioning if I had to go down there I heard a noise.

“GRYAAA!!”

Looking down the tunnel with the headlight, there was a larger fat goblin running down the corridor. I didn’t hesitate to pull the trigger. I watched the bullet strike him in the chest creating a charred hole but he didn’t fall. Only after taking out his legs did he fall. Even with that, he seemed to still be alive until a final shot met his head. After the first 'big' goblin was put down I paused for a moment before quickly rolling the drum stones to form a makeshift barricade in front of the tunnel. Within a few more minutes there was another brute. Unlike the first, I tried to end him quickly with a headshot.

After 4 brutes were dealt with everything was quiet. “There's something big at the end, isn’t there.” I knew I was speculating but my gamer sense was tingling. Without much choice, I started down the tunnel adding the four lumps in the process.

I was rather disappointed with the tunnel. I was expecting some traps, but I got nothing. Just rough stone and a moderately tight passage. As I approached the end of the tunnel I saw two small goblins, the remaining stranglers from the previous room. Both of them were in a bowing position. In front of a large mass. As the two of them started to stand up and looked down in my direction the two seemed to freeze when they saw the light. “Are they photosensitive?” I wondered as I pulled the trigger.

*Burrt

The shots rang out as the two fell to the floor. As they fell a beasteal scream rang out.

“REEGEYAA!!!’ It was the scream of another large goblin. This one had a larger and rounder frame than even the previous four. Even so, he fell all the same. one shot to the head.

*Burrt

The large goblin king fell to the stone floor with an unceremonious *thump.

Once he was dead I added the trio to the bag and began to look around this room. It was smaller than the last and there were a few small pelts laid out on the floor. (Is this where they sleep?) As I looked around some more I found another tunnel. “Hopefully this is the last.” Entering this tunnel, unlike the last which was a short distance to the next room. This tunnel seemed to meander here and there. When I finally reached the end. I was disappointed.

A small alcove at the back with- it looked like a shrine. There were fires and offerings of bone... Also, it reeks here (I think I know what they're burning). In the center of the room was an intricately carved totem pole. “What is this?” I said reaching out my hand to touch the carved surface, only to feel my hand enter the carved surface. It was different from the sensation I get when touching a screen. Pulling my hand back I checked if this only occurred when touching the faces or the whole surface. It turned out to occur only when touching the faces.

“Ok, I guess this is the end of dungeon loot, but what the fuck does it do? Where does it go? Haaa," Letting out a deep sigh. I added the totem to my stuffed bag with the rest of my loot before turning back.

END

You will never know the pure pleasure of mowing down a room full of goblins using a Soma. Or maybe you could play the game and shoot some normal enemies?