It was then, just as passion threatened to consume them both, Kate pulled away abruptly leaving a trail of saliva. Her eyes widened with realization. She pushed John gently but firmly away, her chest heaving as she tried to catch her breath.
"We can't," she whispered hoarsely, a flush covering her cheeks. "This... this is wrong."
Tears glistened in her eyes as she looked at him, her hands covering her mouth, guilt washing over her like a tidal wave.
“Oh god…What the fuck did I just do?...” This was possibly the first time he heard his mother curse, but John was too afraid to register or care for it. He wondered the same thing.
W-What the fuck did I just do? He had his tongue down his mother’s throat.
Oh shit! What was I thinking? He wasn't thinking.
Gripping his head in realization, John questioned his sanity. It wasn't that he regretted it per se, but seeing Kate’s reaction was like a cold bucket of him feel his heart sink to his stomach, anxiety getting the best of him.
He quickly tried to calm himself, returning his hands to his side in an attempt to appear composed as he said, “What’s wrong, Mom?”
Kate looked at John wide-eyed as she clenched her teeth, her hands gripping her head as she shrieked, “What the hell do you mean ‘What’s wrong Mom’! Oh god, John do you know what we just did? What…I just did?”
At the end, her voice came out in tremors as she sobbed. Kate spun around turning her back to John and she stooped down, her entire body shaking as she shook her head from side to side.
As John watched his mother have a mental breakdown, he wasn’t sure what to do. Surprisingly, putting up a calm front had actually calmed him down substantially, at least in comparison to Kate.
“Mom, just calm down first, ok? Breathe…just breathe.” As he spoke, he approached Kate’s back and rested his right hand on her shoulder, well, he tried to. “The fuck do you mean ‘calm down’, John?!” Hearing his words, Kate spun around and stood up so fast that her hair whipped him in his face.
Kate continued her barrage, “Do you think I can be calm right now?!”
Hahh…Hahh…Hahhh.
With a heaving chest and ragged breath, Kate spat out word after word not giving John any time to formulate a reply.
“...” After she was done the two steered into each other's eyes, only the sound of their breathing and Kate's occasional swallowing audible.
John steered at Kate, a grave look clouding his face, meanwhile, Kate seemed to be searching for something deep in his eyes.
After a while, having caught her breath, Kate began to readjust and smoothen out her clothing. After she was done she sat on the couch and addressed John, this time far calmer than before but still quite panicked. “What the hell were you thinking? James just died a week ago! I am your mother!”
John, who was in a stupor, suddenly snapped out of it, his fists balled by his side upon hearing James' name, yet he remained outwardly calm.
He opened his mouth to talk but hesitated, trying to find the words to explain his actions. The last time he had felt this way about someone it didn’t end well. Why did he think this would work out? Let alone with his mother? Did he think this was a movie where they just kissed and it all worked out?
Or some kind of porn comic or anime where the distressed girl just melts into his arms and then they fucked? This was real life. Only an ass would believe that that works!
John took a deep breath, his voice shaky as he spoke, "Mom, I... I’m not sure. I just... I wanted to be close to you, to be near you. I know it was wrong, but I couldn't help it."
Kate's eyes widened, tears welling up in them. She looked away, trying to gather the shattered pieces of her world. This was not how things were supposed to happen. She had just lost her husband to boot.
He sat down next to her, his mind racing with a million questions, but he knew he had to start somewhere. "I... I don't know," he admitted, staring down at his feet. "I guess I just... I don't know anymore. Everything is so... so confusing and I don't know how to handle it."
Kate who had recollected herself somewhat stared at him while listening to what he had to say silently, finally, she spoke.
“I was going through so much grief, and you...you...” Kate struggled to find the words to express her pain. "You...you took advantage of my vulnerability. "
John stared at her, eyes wide, hurt and confusion all over his face despite his best attempts to conceal it.
"Mom," he stammered, trying to find the right words to console her. "I...I didn't... I... I... I'm so sorry. I didn't know how to handle my feelings for you, and I... I lost control. You know I’d never hurt you, right? You’re my mom.”
She thought he wouldn’t try to fuck her either though…and yet…
“I nurtured you through thick and thin. And this is what you do?”
Upon hearing this, a hint of questioning and frustration imperceptibly surfaced in the depths of John’s eyes. Had she truly thought like this? He had thought she was finally owning up to her neglect.
Kate's heart ached at John's words, oblivious to John’s subtle change. She was blinded by the anger and betrayal that still lingered in her heart. Her thoughts and feelings were all over the place.
Her eyes flowed with tears once more as she looked into John's. He could see hurt, betrayal, and absolute shock in her eyes.
Kate sighed, looking at him with sadness as she tried to rein in her emotions once more. "I know, sweetheart," she said, reaching out to cup his cheek in her hand. "I've been feeling that way too. Losing James has changed everything, and we're all trying to figure things out as we go along. But not like this, I can't betray James."
With his head still down, his eyes tensed as he heard Kate’s next words, for the first time hints of anger appearing on his features.
“I don't understand, why did you do that? What was going on in your mind, John? We're family! I'm your mom for fucks sake, and you shouldn't be thinking about me like that!" She shook her head and continued. “Especially right now…”
John, who was looking down, raised a brow and asked, “Right…now? What do you mean?” Kate who went off into her own world trying to make sense of the situation retorted almost absentmindedly but still sharply, “My husband just died, James! Your step—”
“He’s NOT my father!” John cut her off without hesitation. His voice was low and tense, each word said through gritted teeth and laced with restrained anger.
Kate flinched; although she was accustomed to her son’s temper tantrums from his childhood, this was the first time she had witnessed such negative outbursts from him as an adult. She had grown accustomed to his passive aggression.
Her brows scrunched up as she asked with a confused expression, “What do you mean? Look, I know he isn’t a good husband or father, to me and y—”
“No, he treated you good, VERY good even, didn’t he? You even…” John hesitated, not finishing his words, but then he smirked, malice creeping its way into his voice and eyes.
“....?” Kate steered at John, dumbfounded. She knew his and James relationship was anything but good, but did she know the full extent of it all?
Meanwhile, John who had seemed to be hesitating on something, seemed to have come to a decision, and so…
“Dear diary, today James made me do some shameful things, more so than I did with my late husband…”
…he began venting his anger.
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