“EEEAAAAAAAAAGGHHHHH!!!”

I never really saw the point in horror movies. As the high-pitched scream bellowed out from the static video quality, it really just kinda made me grimace. I mean, who would want to be in that position? It was an actual, literal, bloody, nightmare. The chainsaw-bearing, mask-wearing psycho slicing that poor girl apart was the only one having a good time. Typically, I’d watch something that I could actually connect to. Someone I could, or perhaps even wanted to see myself in. What’s the point in something so terrifying and pessimistic that it leaves most characters dead by the end, and its viewers quaking in their boots? It puzzled me, it really did.

That is, it did, until I got myself a boyfriend.

Horror movies were perfect in that context, really. Your average guy always yearned to be a protector, didn’t he? Especially around their dear girlfriend, such as *moi* in this scenario. I had already long since leaned up close to Bryce on the couch, back when the psycho chainsaw killer slaughtered that camp counselor earlier on in the film. Was I actually scared? Sure, a bit. I was squeamish with bloody stuff, sue me. But I knew he might like it if I could exaggerate a little and play the role a bit better… He’d had his arm around me for half the movie now, and I was thoroughly enjoying that gesture. 

But all must come to an end. The butcher finally finished butchering those poor butchered kids, and so the credits rolled. As if an immediate response, Bryce proceeded to lift his arms and stretch with a yawn. I took that cue to adjust myself on the couch. Not moving away from him, but still making sure I wasn’t actually leaning like that anymore. 

“So, Pen,” he began, “How’d you like it? Hope you didn’t get too scared.” He put his arm back down, laying it horizontally on the couch’s back. I could almost roll my eyes at that gesture. This boy was many things, subtle he was not. 

“Maybe, but not so much with you around…” I answer, gingerly placing my palm in the space between us and leaning just a tiny bit closer. 

This was so stupidly cheesy that I couldn’t help but grin. It’s a good thing for him that I like playing along. Hell, he probably only dragged me to watch the damn thing just to create this exact cliche’d scenario. He had the tape, VHS, couch all ready and set up here by the time he invited me back to his place. His parents weren’t home either. He almost certainly did not “just suddenly get the idea to watch this random movie together” like he claimed. This was his goal all along. Plugging in a horror movie like that is a cheap and easy trick that he probably pulled from some random article about ‘How to Woo your Girlfriend.’ He’s just lucky that I happen to like cheese.

I feel Bryce place his hand on mine, squeezing it tightly. My heart beats faster. My breathing gets quicker but I do my best to hide it. Come on, you idiot, just kiss me already. We’ve already done it like 20 times before. Oh, but who’s counting?

He lays a hand on my cheek, the way he knows that I like, and finally leans in closer. I close my eyes, ready for the moment.

Ultimately it’s not too special, I’m already plenty familiar with how it feels to kiss Bryce Lockwood. We’ve been together since around Christmas of last year, when we were about to enter winter break, and we’ve been having fun ever since. Well, we took it slow at first on my insistence, but by the time summer rolled around we were plenty used to locking lips. Sure, he could be a little… rough with his hands at times like this, but I kinda like it in a way. There was something nice about being treated like this. A boyfriend having his way with his girlfriend. On some level, I suppose it made me feel more like… well, like a woman.

I wonder if cis girls felt the same way?

I had almost forgotten that part of my own identity before that thought entered my mind, and before Bryce had started tugging the bottom of my knit sweater, as if to pull it off. My hand quickly stretched out to grab his arm, and the kiss promptly ended.

“...What are you doing?” I asked.

“...You don’t like it? It’s okay if you don’t want to-” The boy began.

I interrupt. “No, I don’t want to get… intimate like that, I thought we already talked about this.”

“Look I just thought things were leading somewhere-”

“I said I didn’t want to do anything like that until graduation, at least.”

Bryce pauses. “...I thought you said until we turned 18?”

I hesitate, shit. “...Same thing. My point is I don’t wanna risk STDs or pregnancy or whatever when we’re still basically teenagers.” I answer, avoiding his gaze.

“Babe, I got myself tested a few days ago just in case, and I have a few condoms in my room if you’d want to be safe.” He continues, lifting a hand up to the back of his head. “Besides, I wasn’t even thinking sex, at least not necessarily. I just wanted to… y’know, get a bit more intimate. Don’t even have to take the bra off, just the sweater. Show off your body more.”

I give him a quick glare. “But even then, you know how I feel about that.”

“Yeah, and I feel like I’m getting mixed signals. I get it if you have your issues but I’m trying to accommodate.” Bryce argued. “I just want you to be comfortable, Pen. If you tell me what to do, I’ll do it.”

You mean you want me to be comfortable doing what *you* want to do, right? I sigh, pulling my knees up and wrapping my arms around them, trying to think. I hated being put in this position. Bryce is sweet, but he’s still being pushy. It’s been like this ever since we started our summer break. I knew he might want to take a step or two further, but I didn’t expect this conversation to happen several times by now. 

Not like I had the right to complain, this is my fault at the end of the day. I should’ve known that actually getting a boyfriend would lead to this. I should’ve known high school boys would eventually want to get dirty. I should’ve known that a trans girl in hiding wouldn’t be able to stay in a relationship for too long, not without anyone finding out.

Trying to break the quiet tension, Bryce laid a hand on my shoulder, “If you want to talk, I’m ready to listen. That’s what boyfriends are for…”

I frowned. That assumed he’d even be my boyfriend anymore if I told him. 

I’d heard the stories. Men running away the moment they catch wind of a woman they’re interested in being trans. Shaming and outing them as a way to deal with the embarrassment they felt of their own attraction to one. Sometimes going so far as to stab or kill them if they caught even a sight of the thing that was cursed to remain in between their legs. 

Because of these intrusive thoughts, I was made even more aware of where we were. The Lockwood household. Parents away. …We’re alone. No one would know anything about what happens here.

Even then, I just can’t bear the idea of how he’d see me if I told him. Or his ability to keep a secret. He’d know I’m… tainted. By a childhood that was wrong for me. By a body that fought against me in the time before I started hormone therapy. How I’ve been polluted by manhood. I would no longer be the perfect girlfriend, the perfect girl. If just a single person at school knew, if they saw the part of me I desperately wished to hide, my dreams of having an actual teenage girlhood may as well be over. What would even be the point if I couldn’t be like the others?

After an uncomfortably long silence, I finally muttered, “...We should break up.”

“What?” Bryce’s eyes went wide in a moment of confusion.

I made sure to stand up quickly, I wanted to leave before he got any funny ideas. I really did consider staying, just keep doing what we were doing without getting any genitals involved, but I could tell this wouldn’t be the end. He’d bring it up again later. Even if we made it all the way until graduation still together, it’d only delay the inevitable. I liked him, I really did, but this wasn’t meant to last. He wanted something that I just couldn’t provide, and it was better to dip out quietly now rather than deal with whatever would come later. 

“This clearly isn’t going to work out. I’m sorry…” I meant the apology. I hated that it’d come to this. We’ve been together, what, 8-9 months now? I didn’t want him to notice, but it hurt to end it. To let go of it. I just knew that if I showed a moment of weakness that he’d try to pull me back. Stand firm in your decision, Penelope. 

“Because of a hang up like that? We can work through it-”

“Save it.” I was already at the door, grabbing my coat and handbag. “I made my decision. If you want to lose your virginity so bad, then find some girl who’s actually willing.”

Bryce stood up, making his way towards me. “Look Pen, I don’t just want ‘some girl’, I want my first time to be with-”

“Goodbye.” I shut the door.

…

Of course it was raining. It was raining before, why wouldn’t it be now? I started walking right away, not wanting to still be there if Bryce decided to open the door and run after me. I didn’t take him for the type of romantic to go so far as to run out in the rain after me, but I wanted to be safe.

…Because I was already crying. God damn it. In the end, I suppose it’s a good thing it was a rainy night. If they were to do something useful, they could at least hide my pain. 

I’d blame the hormones, if it hadn’t already been ages since I started. What was it now, two years? Two and a half counting only blockers? No, it was purely my own emotions. My first ever break up, it was bound to throw me for a ride. Especially if it had to end like that. I was stupid for ever thinking something like this wouldn’t happen.

 

---

 

“I’m home!” I called out, greeted by the familiar scent of our cozy apartment.

“Welcome back, honey!” I heard Mom call back from the living room. “How was the date?”

“Funny story, actually…” Getting out of my coat and putting my handbag down, I made note of just how wet my hair had gotten. Ugh. It was a good thing I brought a coat, but my hair wasn’t so fortunate. It was practically dripping, and after I spent some time today trying to get it looking good. Curse the rain, and curse my preference for style over practicality. Normal people would just bring a cap or something with them. 

I anxiously approached the side of the apartment where Mom was sitting. She seemed comfortable, having a relaxing evening while the tv played some type of reality tv, although she had it paused as she looked at me expectantly. Right, she asked me about how the date went… “So actually… We broke up.”

Mom’s expression quickly shifted to confusion when I let that drop. “What? Why? What happened?”

“It just… didn’t work out.” I explained. I didn’t want to go into the details, though I think my own mother could probably guess what problems her transgender daughter might encounter in a relationship. She knew I didn’t want to tell people. At least not yet.

“Oh, honey.” Sure enough, a few tears slipped through, so she was already there to comfort me. It was nice. “I’m sorry you went through that, boys can be cruel sometimes. Do you want to talk about it?”

“Actually…” I wiped my tears, “I was the one who ended it. And no…”

Mom nodded, though with a bit of a bothered look on her face, her eyes glancing downwards. “Right, sure.”

“I’ll be fine…” I told her. “It’s just my first break-up. Teenagers, right?” I smiled, though I’m not sure how genuine it looked with all the crying I’d been doing. God, my makeup was probably a mess right now, I needed a mirror. “I’ll get over it…”

“Well, alright.” Mom finally let go of me. “Just… Please let me know if you need anything, okay? I’m always there for you.”

That she was, and I wouldn’t doubt that for a second. Ever since I first came out to her all that time ago, she’s been my steadfast supporter. I’m unfathomably lucky, all things considered. Not even just helping me access HRT, she’s made her fair share of compromises in order to support me. When I mentioned wanting to start high school farther away from home, so I could start fresh as a girl, she went so far as to make plans to move to a different neighborhood. There was also what happened with Dad… Though I don’t like to talk about him anymore.

“Right, thanks Mom.” I answered, “I think I’m gonna go and unwind in my room…”

She nodded, and I gave myself permission to make my leave. The very first thing I did was remove the disaster that was my makeup by this point. I then took some time to dry and brush my hair, before putting it into a nice ponytail. I then swapped into my pajamas, and made myself comfortable in my room. I turned my console on, grabbed a controller, and before you know it, I was sitting in my bed, mowing down enemies in this hack-and-slash I got last week. Pretty great way to unwind, honestly. Unloading all my thoughts and emotions as I slaughtered these poor unnamed enemies falling under my pegasus knight’s spear.

Seriously, thinking about it more, who even needs a boyfriend? Guys suck! I already went through a shit ton of effort not to be one anymore. Sure it was fun to date and guys like Bryce could be super sweet and attractive and all that stuff, but I didn’t *need* them! Pssh! Pull yourself together, Penelope! Remember the whole point of this. You started hormone replacement therapy in the middle of your teens, your family is supportive, and you’ve somehow stayed completely stealth along the way! Other trans girls would kill to be in your position! You already spent so much of your childhood as a boy, you were at least going to complete it as a girl! And it was going to be flawless at that. Perfect. 

I’m not going to let my identity potentially get in the way of that. I’ll let people find out after I graduate high school, fine. I can deal with potentially being outed at university. Some people will notice anyway if I ever plan on getting bottom surgery and dealing with everything that comes with that. But until then, I’m just Penelope Bridges. High school girl. Social, outgoing, feminine, pretty. Dare I say it, I’d even consider myself kinda popular. All things I wasn’t as a boy. Things I would never have been. 

These last two years, finally living as myself, have been the best years of my life. And there were only a few more days until the third officially started. The thing with Bryce was a hiccup, I’d move on. So what if my first actual relationship fell through? Teenage girls had break-ups, it was normal. I’m not any different. He has no clue that the reason it happened might be because I was trans. For all he knows, I’m just a really big prude.

**STAGE COMPLETE**

I beat the level, and naturally the game awarded me an S-rank for my efforts. I smiled. It really did feel good to let it all out of my system. 

Navigating the menus, managing equipment and characters before the next level, I noticed that the character I played had achieved a higher relationship rank with someone. Wouldn’t you know it, with a man, and it was the highest rank to boot. I groaned, rolled my eyes and laid my chin on my palm. With this game’s approach to relationship-building, I knew what that all meant. That lucky mesh of polygons and pixels.

It sure would be nice… I always kinda wanted something like that, an actual proper romantic relationship. That feeling had only grown stronger after I made all those discoveries about myself. But I guess I had to suck it up. 

For now, trying to date just wasn’t for me. It was unfortunate, but at least I had a boyfriend at all, for a brief period of time. Then I’ll properly deal with the chaos that is transgender dating once I’m an adult in college. It wasn’t even much what we had, just a pair of teenagers goofing around, a typical high school fling bound to end. But Bryce did have a super sweet side when we were together… and I always got the sense he wanted something more emotional and long-term.

…Ugh, I needed to get my mind out of the gutter. 

I checked my phone to distract myself, but of course, I was instantly faced with a few texts from my oh so wonderful new ex. Figures, why would I expect different? I sigh, because frankly I did not need to deal with this right now. You’d assume Bryce would take the hint and know I’d want some space after that. *I* thought things sounded pretty definitive. Either way, I’m still not budging.

So instead of reading any of the things he sent me, I opted to mute him for the time being. I’m sorry, you sweet handsome devil, but you will not tempt me. I said goodbye, and that was the end of that.

Sighing, I flopped my back down onto the bed, the menu background music from the video game still playing. 

Times like these I wish I had a co-op partner.