The words had come out of me surprisingly easily. Like they had just slipped through some cracks. I wasn't sure if it was stress or not, but something about it just flowed out. Even then, I wasn't planning on telling her everything. I was going to carefully choose my words. Present parts of the story without mentioning the key details I wanted hidden.
Irene took a seat on a table in front of me. The air was quiet. She didn’t want to interrupt, but she wasn’t forcing me to keep going either. Still, I continued…
“It’s just… this weird thing.” I said. “We went out of touch after graduation, and then he showed up at homeroom one day out of the blue.”
“...And then you got partnered up in biology together?” Irene asked.
“Yeah.” I answered, nodding. “It really was a coincidence, but it was still awkward.”
“What’d he say?”
“...Actually…” God, this would be the hard part. “...He doesn’t even recognize me.”
Irene’s eyes went wide, “Woah, seriously?”
I nodded, stretching my hands forward for a moment. “It’s… just funny that way.”
“I guess it makes kinda sense…” Irene went on. “You *are* pretty different from when you started as a freshman. You were a lot more awkward back then. Both in the attitude and the looks department.”
I continued nodding. Yeah, that’s right, I didn’t need to explain the whole ‘transgender’ part for her to get the picture. I was still doing a lot of transitioning and experimenting for a good chunk of that first year. She already knew I'd changed somewhat, it's not too much of a stretch to think he might not realize it's me.
“And you haven’t told him?” Irene asked.
I shook my head, “What? No. Of course not, it’d… It’d be too awkward. Too embarrassing.”
“...”
“...I’m just not ready for the kinds of questions he’s gonna ask. I didn’t exactly ever give him a goodbye…” Admittedly, I suppose that was a small part of the reason. “It’s just… I’d rather let it all move by.”
“...Guess that’s prolly why you didn’t wanna even mention it to us.” Irene noted.
“Right… I’d appreciate it if you didn’t tell Sarah and Abby.” I sighed. “The last thing I wanted was for this to be a big deal or anything, me and him aren’t exactly friends anymore anyway.”
“Yeah, no, you got it.” Irene affirmed. “But are you sure you’re not friends anymore? You kinda went out of your way there with the Art club thing, and you’re still talking.”
I shrugged. “I… It didn’t look like he was doing so well. There’s no harm in helping him a bit, right?” I asked Irene, holding up a nervous smile. Please back me up here.
Irene leaned back, looking up at the ceiling. “Beats me. I’m just wondering how he hasn’t realized it yet. I mean, it’s not like there’s that many Pennies around. You'd think it had to have crossed his mind by some point.”
…Because he doesn’t know any other Penny. She’s right. Adrian would probably notice by now if I at least shared the same name. But I didn’t. The friend he knew wasn’t me. He… never had that chance to truly meet me, even learn and say my actual name, until recently.
A tear rolled down my face.
Before I could even notice, more came down. All the stress today, lunch with the girls, arguing with Bryce, my conversation with Adrian on that stairwell, and now the pressue from Irene. There were too many emotions swimming through my head. I… I-I just couldn’t hold them in anymore.
Irene’s face perked up, noticing what was happening. “Woah, hey…” She stood back up, getting up close to me. “You good? I’m sorry, seriously I shouldn’t ever have pressured you to talk, I-”
It kept coming, even more now. Irene trying to comfort me loosened all the restraints, the tears flowed. I was sobbing.
She sat down next to me, and wrapped an arm over me in a hug. “Hey, it’s good, girl. I’m here for you.”
I wasn’t sure what came over me, it was like years of bottling up had come to bite me in the back. I couldn’t stop, I could barely contain it.
“I-I…” I spoke through my tears.
“What?”
I wasn’t sure where it was even coming from, but the words were just desperately trying to spill out. I wanted it to stop, just please stop! “I-I’m… I…”
It was all going wrong, I shouldn’t be doing this! All my walls had crumbled down, there was nothing to hold it in! I-I can’t stop it! Some part of me just needs to say it, but I know I can't! It's too-!
“...I-I’m trans.” I finally got out, a new wave of tears streaming down to prevent me from uttering anything else.
“...What?”
I choked up, “I’m transgender, g-god damn it!”
I tried to wipe my tears. And thankfully, it seemed like they were stopping for now. Or at least slowing down…
“...” Irene didn’t say anything.
“That’s why he doesn’t recognize me…” I cried out. “Th-That’s why I can’t bear telling him… I can’t let him find out!”
“...Holy shit.” Irene exclaimed, as in still in a slow realization, reeling from what she'd just heard.
I stood up, “The friend he remembers wasn’t even a girl, he just knew some boy!” I waved my arms around like a madwoman, kicking a nearby desk. “Some dweeb just like him!”
Irene stood up and approached me. “H-Hold on, Penny, let’s calm ourselves down a bit, first.” She said, putting a hand on my shoulder.
Before I knew it, the tears began flowing again. God fucking damn it, just how much of these could my body make?! I sat back down on the table, holding my face in my hands. It just wasn’t stopping. It just wasn’t.
Irene sat back down next to me. “...Damn. That explains things.”
I didn’t want to turn to face her. I didn’t want her to see me like this. Both crying, and… knowing what I am now…
“The Sarah thing, for one. That must have been really awkward for you.”
I put my hands down, feeling the tears finally slowing again. Yeah, Sarah coming out definitely made things more awkward for me than it needed to be.
“...And now I feel like crap, too.” Irene continued.
Confused, I turned to look at her. “Wh… What for?”
She looked at me like I was asking her something silly. “Isn’t it obvious? I basically forced you to out yourself.” She explained.
I shook my head. “No, you were right… I always try to hide things from you, I’ve been so desperate for no one to find out a-and…”
“Nah,” Irene responded. “That’s your right. You don’t owe telling those things to people.”
“I guess…” I pull my knees up to wrap my arms around them. “...I just want to be a normal girl. To be seen as a normal girl. No buts, no asterisks, no nothing.”
“You are one, though.” Irene said. “You’re not that different from your average girl, trust me. Seriously. If anything, you’re way girlier.”
“The average girl didn’t used to be a boy…” I said. “The average girl doesn’t… isn’t stuck with a boy’s body.”
“You’re not on hormones or anything?” Irene asked. “I’d have thought you were. Honestly, you being trans was the complete last thing I expected… Hell, I’m still finding it kinda hard to believe.”
“No, I’m on them, but like…” I paused, before sighing. “Honestly, what did you even think I was gonna say? What were you expecting from this whole thing?”
Irene shrugged, “Wasn’t actually sure, just figured there had to be *something.* Though when you started spilling about your past with the new guy, I thought the problem was that he'd asked you out and got rejected or something, not that he remembered you as a totally different gender.”
I chuckled through my tears, “Yeah, I guess that’d be hard to see coming.”
Irene chuckled as well, “It’d have been awkward, that’s for sure…” She paused. “Wait, did Bryce ever know about this?”
“...” My silence probably said enough, but I figured I may as well be honest about that too. “No… Actually, that’s kinda why I decided to break up with him. He was one of the last people I wanted to find out…”
“Wow… Yeah, I can see why you didn’t wanna talk about it now.” Irene blinked. "Like damn, I really was just making you feel bad for hiding your identity. Shit."
“It’s just…” I began, finally being able to vent my frustrations about the situation. “He was being so pushy! He obviously wanted to start getting more… well, intimate soon. But I just can’t! If things ever got to the point where one of us takes my clothes off, he might…!”
I’d almost started crying again, but Irene comforted me. “Woah, hey now, that’s okay,” She said. “...That’s understandable. Honestly? A pretty good reason to break up with anyone.”
I looked at her, “Even if I was hiding things from him? And that I was too afraid to tell him?”
Irene shook her head. “If he’s being pushy, that’s reason enough. You don’t have to be trans or anything. If you’d have just said that, really, we’d have understood.”
…Well now I was feeling kind of stupid. “I don’t know… A normal girlfriend would still want to have sex and stuff, right?”
“I think you’re really stretching your idea of ‘normal’ there, Penny.” Irene pointed out. “No means no.”
“...” I let those words stew in my head. She was right, it wasn’t like it was a girl’s duty to always say ‘yes’, but also… If I wasn’t trans, that would probably be what I'd want to do anyway, right? Besides, I still lied to him, even after the breakup… He doesn’t even know that my problem was as big as it was, isn't it my fault that he still thinks it can be fixed...?
“...Still, wow. It really is making more and more sense, the longer I think about it.” Irene continued.
I looked at her, confused.
“Just…” She gestures at me. “All the… you! It’s all super impressive, but also… Like, you’ve always been such a big princess.” She smirks. “Of course you’re like that. I can see it.”
A small blush encroached on my face. “What’s that supposed to mean?!”
Irene snickered, “Yeah, like it figures. You’ve only had, what, a couple of years as a girl?”
“Mm,” I wasn’t sure if I liked that implication. I mean, it’s not like I was so feminine just because I was trans, was it? …I’m not sure.
“Aaaand there’s still nothing going on with you and that friend of yours?” Irene asked. “What’s his name, Adrian?”
I blushed again, “What? No! Like I said, we were just friends! I wasn’t even a girl yet.”
“Yeah, but now that you are one…” She continued. “I mean, come on, pretty girl suddenly starts talking to him, inviting him out to places. I dunno about you, but are you sure *he’s* not the one who’s gonna be getting some ideas soon?”
“Don’t be ridiculous,” I tell her, “It’s not like that.”
She shrugged. “Alright, suit yourself.”
…I guess she did have some kind of a point though. I don’t think Adrian’s ever had a girlfriend. God, I hope he’s not gonna start crushing on me soon, that’d make things even more complicated…
“...Seriously though, no mention of any of this to Sarah or Abby. Or anyone for that matter. Not Bryce either, definitely not Adrian.”
“Yeah, yeah I got it. Figured as much.” Irene nodded. “I have my limits, I know not to open any closets.”
“...Thanks.”
Irene sighs, “But seriously though. You can always talk to me if something’s up. If there’s one upside to me finding out.”
I nodded, “Yeah, thanks Irene.”
“Although…” She starts again. “I’m not really any kind of expert on trans stuff. I can listen, but you seem to still have some issues, and I’m pretty clueless about things you could be feeling. You ever thought about talking to the people at queer club?”
I shake my head, “No! Like I said, nobody can know! …And even if I did, what if someone saw? I can’t…”
Irene nodded, “Yeah, figures. But you know, if there’s anyone who you know won’t talk, there’s them. They’re more likely to get what you’re going through and respect the secrets you wanna keep.”
I grimaced, I wasn’t sure how much I liked the idea.
“They’re also open for consultations,” She added. “Like, if you want a private talk about questioning, sensitive matters and stuff.”
“...Huh, I didn’t know they did that.”
She nodded, “Yeah, it’s one of the things they try to do. They set it up last year. Fridays after school, one of them’s open for talks.”
“...How do you know about this stuff?” I decided to ask.
She looked at me, blinking twice. “Oh yeah, I’m bi.”
“Wha-?! Since when?! You never told me that!”
Irene furrowed her brows at me. …Oh. I guess that’s a bit hypocritical coming from me.
She cracked a laugh, “Nah, I’m just messing with you. It never came up, I guess. Plus, I still lean dudes by around… 70-80%, I think. Maybe 60. I was having some thoughts, and talking to someone about it helped me nail things down.”
I nodded, huh… I never knew that about Irene. Though I also never expected Sarah to be gay, either. “...Wait, so Abby’s the only one of us who isn’t queer?”
Irene clicks her tongue, “Tch, poor thing…”
I laugh, “Okay, you don’t have to say *that*.”
My friend laughs too, “Yeah, fine. We’ll go easy on her. She’s already the adorable one anyway, she can be our little token cishet.”
I snicker. “God, I hope you don’t say that in front of her face…”
…
Suddenly, I decide to ask. “...Did you say who was managing the queer club thing? Is it Tracy?”
Irene shook her head, “Nope. Morgan T.”
“Morgan T.?”
“Yeah, they’re pretty cool. Non-binary, by the way.” She shrugged, “Kinda why I thought it’d be a good idea for you. They're more likely to get all the gender stuff than me.”
I sat there for a while to think.
“I mean, they’re a bit weird sometimes, but… that’s just Morgan. I was surprised how cool they were about the whole thing.” Irene continued. “...Just something to consider. I won’t force you, god knows I’ve done that enough for today…” She sighed.
“Yeah…” I turned back to look at her. “So… should we head out?”
My friend smiled, “Thought you’d never ask.”
We got up, and made our way from the classroom. We didn’t really say anything for a bit, we just walked together until we’d gone out of the school building.
I… still felt unsure about all of this, actually. It was surreal, the fact that Irene knew now. It really happened. I just told her. Like, I wasn’t sure if I’d even processed that fact yet. And sure, she was accepting, she took it incredibly well, but also…
…
There was no going back. She knew. She not only saw Penny, but parts of what lay underneath… Even as I walked next to her, I felt a chill. I was visible. Vulnerable. When she looked at me… what did she truly see?
I wasn’t sure if things would ever be fine like this.
Suddenly, Irene wrapped an arm around my shoulder. “Alright, come on, we’re gonna go get ice cream. My treat. And this time, I *am* forcing you. ‘Least I could do after that whole mess.”
…But maybe things would be okay, at least for now.
Irene is actually handling this really well, the whole "pressuring a stealth trans girl" bit aside. She's good people.
Irene knows!!!
hopefully when nothing bad happens because of this (currently knocking on wood) she'll be ready to tell her other friends (and Adrian) (not Bryce, ew)
Yay for Irene not being weird about it! Obviously this a dicey situation IRL, but these last two chapters make for great in-story drama.